Tonight season 11 of Real Housewives Of New York concludes with part 3 of the reunion. Unlike most Real Housewives franchises I’m always sad to see RHONY go. Even when Barbara Kavovit takes the stage!
That’s right, tonight Barbara finally gets her moment in the sun and she has the endless tan to prove it. Seriously Barbara shows up on stage looking more orange than a New Jersey housewife headed for the shore for the first time all season!
Barbara is also there to discuss her struggle to get along with the group and her friendship with Luann de Lesseps, who made Barbara feel like a second-class friend. Probably the second the cameras started rolling!
Somewhere a satanic cult is using Ramona Singer as their icon. The recap highlighting Ramona’s season full of atrocious behavior and excuses, followed by the flashback of SEASONS worth of Ramona shrugging that she can’t help what comes out of her mouth because that’s the way she is, finally cutting to the present day Real Housewives Of New York reunion stage where, with all the sincerity of a robot, Ramona admits that she‘s horrible… It’s all literally a study of the human brain without emotional intelligence.
I could literally spend this entire recap talking about nothing but Ramona. When have we ever come across a Housewife so comfortably tactless, callous, and clueless that she offered up DEMENTIA as an excuse for being a shitty friend. DEMENTIA people! DE-MEN-TIA. This from a woman who subsequently bragged that it was OK to be obsessed with her appearance because she works “really hard” to remain ageless. Ramona’s attitude (aka the brain of a 14-year-old social media addict) is the most ageless thing of all!
I am going to open this Real Housewives Of New York recap with a controversial confession: I LOVE Feelin’ Jovani! Stone me with sequins and rhinestones; I don’t care I will wear Jovani anywhere — and it feels so right!
How righteous was it for Andy Cohen to play the track during the reunion. While Luann de Lesseps mouthed the words to her own anthem. The other women avoided her eyes out of sheer second-hand embarrassment. I guess you could say they were feelin’ embarrassed, and it felt so wrong.
Anyway, now the outfits! Bethenny Frankel wore a dress that looks like a Tetris game. Which is appropriate considering how many puzzle pieces there are to Bethenny’s life and it’s near impossible to see how all the wonky angles fit together. Luann looked like she was wearing Jovani to her own funeral. Again, apropos.
Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives Of New York, which was about as bad a news a girl can receive. I should probably just console myself by investing in a Countess Candle. After all, Luann de Lesseps is my personal idol of how not to behave and why.
It’s the day before the infamous Christmas Cabaret and Luann is in rare form, gliding into the Gramercy Theater wearing a fabulous cape – like a true diva. Next Luann will be getting one of those long cigarette holders (please let this happen). Luann’s weary assistant, the Countess Corraller, is stationed outside her dressing room overseeing the vast collection of Luann-centric products: statement necklaces, t-shirts, and of course the candles, but this is a mere rehearsal before the big show.
Dorinda Medley and Sonja Morgan take time out of their busy lives for a little pampering, i.e. Coolsculpting which freezes their fat cells so they can metabolize them, then pee them out. If only I could do this with ice cream! Also Real Housewives science, as departed by a doctor we’re supposed to find sexy is always the best.
Miami is where souls go to die on Real Housewives Of New York. People are arrested. People are swept up in tsunami-like rages. And people pose decadently and cluelessly in front of their cabaret posters in the middle of the street.
Last night gave us the full spectrum of why Real Housewives Of New York are the alpha Housewives. One minute people are shaking with sobs, the next they’re shoving their dogs in a home freezer, then putting on thong leotards for a little 80’s throwback workout.
*sigh* So many thoughts about last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of New York. SO. MANY. THOUGHTS. And even more questions!
Does Luann de Lesseps deserve the wrath of hungover Housewives? Does air conditioner make Sonja Morgan poof or poop? Does Bethenny Frankel see Luann as her human sounding board – the one person resilient enough to take all the tantrums Bethenny’s mother ignored as she headed out to the clubs or on a date; giving Bethenny free-reign to project all of her childhood emotions.
Also, it occurs to me, that Bethenny probably married her mother and her father in Jason Hoppy, who seems diabolical, but also really disinterested in her melodrama, and Bethenny needs someone to give validity to her hysteria or else she thinks they don’t ‘hear’ her.
This show I tell you. The Real Housewives Of New York ladies know how to do it right. Every episode is like going to an all you can eat buffet.
Only on Real Housewives Of New York can you have a drunken collapse over an argument about cabaret turn into political commentary on the last time Sonja Morgan probably felt relevant. Which flows into competing artists giving out free art and Ramona Singer inviting her ex-husband and new boyfriend to a party, then being forced to admit to making out with her former friend’s ex-husband in front of another friend who also hooked up with this same guy.
Oh, they’ve descended upon the sunshine state again… Shouldn’t Florida have an ordinance keeping the Real Housewives Of New York out?!
In cold New York city Ramona Singer has convinced everyone that vacationing in a fabulous Miami mansion will be just the thing to unify the group after Upstate. Round houses have a way of backing everyone into their own corners. Also Luann de Lesseps is spinning on an axis around her own sun, orbiting her own ego, and declaring that she’s not a diva at. all, so maybe a return to Florida will put things in humbling perspective for her!