Comscore

Rob Valetta

Jax Taylor

While Scheana Marie has been drowning in her delusion that Rob Valetta loves her, Jax Taylor literally nearly drowned on this week’s Vanderpump Rules. At least the near-death experience helped him find God. Much to Brittany Cartwright‘s rejoicing.

Scheana, on the other hand, is still putting all her faith in ol’ Super Rob. She insists that Jax misunderstood Rob’s comments, and Rob like so totally did and does and always and forever will love her as much as she loves herself.

Scheana Marie

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was a matter of love and death. In the complete and utter trainwreck that is watching Scheana Marie transcend from Stage Five Clinger to total stalker and future subject of Snapped (or her own Lifetime Movie Of The Week). Jax Taylor was literally drowning (*well kinda) but Scheana was drowning in her own delusion and Rob Valetta is not about to be dragged under with her.

Thankfully Rob can swim perfectly, and amazingly, and better than anyone in the whole wide word even Michael Phelps, and he can also save people with his boogey board of life! Just ask Jax!

There was so much relationship dysfunction last night that the thought of looking through a Choose Your Own Designer Vagina catalog seems like the lesser of evils. Yes, that is a thing, but you have to be willing to travel to Thailand to get it installed… Do they make any that are STD resistant?

James & Lala

Oh man, all season on Vanderpump Rules I have really been loving James Kennedy … Until last night, that is! Down goes the Jack Daniels, and James’ decency follows suit. He was a horrible, ATROCIOUS drunken buffoon to Lala Kent and Raquel Leviss when he should have reserved that treatment for Scheana Marie. If only so Rob Valetta could rush in to be knight in shining armor and fix it. I hear he’s good at those sorts of things!

Scheana Marie invited a select group ‘non-assholes’ to Rob’s cabin in Big Bear. After the Toca Madera cheating non-scandal, she’s desperate to prove that some of her non-friends are capable of behaving like decent human beings. Except slim pickings. She can’t invite the Three-Headed SheBeasts who are too busy bedazzling scooters while fake crying apologies after their birthday party breakdowns (plus they started the rumor), so Scheana was forced to choose Jax Taylor and James?! Scheana is a cesspool of failed logic and I really believe all the therapists on this show are being wasted on Jax. Absolutely he is in need, but um… spread the ‘py, because there’s a six car pileup of people needing psychiatric attention.

Stassi

I almost have no words for the dysfunction of last night’s Vanderpump Rules. Maybe Stassi Schroeder is aging in reverse. Not in that ‘she looks fabulous way’ of Lisa Vanderpump, but of the OMG – is she really throwing a toddler temper tantrum at her own birthday party. I think I read a Berenstain Bears book about that called “Too Much Birthday.”

Could Stassi and Ariana Madix buy a 2-for-1 therapy session on Groupon? Or maybe Jax Taylor‘s reiki healer can mend the hole in Stassi’s forehead by using her calming touch to transforms it into a halo of happiness. Is that medically possible? Jax and Stassi can skip off into the sunset together happy, at peace, alive! Kristen Doute would lose her soulmate.

Lisa Vanderpump is furious at Jax Taylor

Sometimes it’s not all diamonds and rose in Lisa Vanderpump‘s world. Sometimes the fancy parties held in her honor end in tears and the fancy restaurants she owns go up in smoke. Such was the case on last night’s Vanderpump Rules.

Well at least Jax Taylor, errrrr… I mean “Jason” is trying to change his life! HAHAHAHAHA

Lisa is now the Editor In Chief of Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine, which I’d always assumed was one of those free magazines, but because this is Beverly Hills that free magazine still is behooving of the fancy of Beverly Hills. Apparently it’s a thing people pay money for, which means Lisa wants a fancy party to celebrate her new position there. Makes sense. What does not make sense is that Lisa puts Stassi Schroeder in charge of said party. Predictably it’s a disaster.

James Kennedy & Jax Taylor

It’s almost like Vanderpump Rules is a sociological experiment on modern love, right? Every other day there are new cheaters to eclipse the previous cheaters with crazier cheating scandals and bigger liars, all compounded by the ever-shifting relationships around accommodating these facts. Can’t anyone get in the right pants? Or keep their members in the right pants, rather?

Take for instance the evolution of Jax Taylor and James Kennedy. They’ve both ‘interacted’ with the same women (Kristen Doute and Lala Kent), which created a palpable neanderthal assholian hatred towards each other – like crabs in a bucket – as they battled over being too similar, but now they’re bonding over how much they cannot stand Kristen. Which is hilarious considering neither one of them ever seemed to like Kristen to begin with! And now, of course, Kristen is trying to destroy Jax’s relationship with Brittany Cartwright. Not because Kristen likes Jax (or has any lingering feelings for him), but because she loves Brittany (and once hooked up with her) too much to let her be ruined by Jax. 

Scheana Marie

There is nothing worse than a professional reality star. You know what I’m talking about, because nearly every person on Vanderpump Rules now occupies that position. They fakely (yes I know that’s a fake word) work at SUR, they’re fakely are friends with each other, and they fakely pretend to care about causing drama in each other’s lives.

To point: last night’s episode was an amazing pile-up of so many [mostly fake] car crashes, I don’t even know where to begin, middle, and end.

The only two interesting things that happened were Scheana Marie going on a hunger strike until Merriam-Websters changes the definition of “perfect” to include a photo of her and Rob Valetta, and James Kennedy having a full-fledged meltdown about the supposed double-entendre of “ate her pasta.”

Stassi Schroeder

Of all the things that make ZERO sense about Vanderpump Rules, the two that stand out the most are Kristen Doute and PatrickStassi Schroeder‘s, Zen For The Douchebag’s Soul, sometimes-boyfriend. Yes, for me, this has overshadowed the tedium of Jax Taylor behaving atrociously and getting away with it. Again.

For instance, why is Kristen going to the opening of James Kennedy‘s See You Next Tuesday DJ gig at SUR? Doesn’t she despise her cretin ex boyfriend with the passion of a thousand disturbed bees? Don’t ALL of them actually hate James?! Hasn’t the hatred of James Kennedy been a storyline for, oh, I dunno – the past 3 seasons?! Apparently Kristen would go to the opening of an envelope, though, and when being on Vanderpump Rules is your only J-O-B…