Comscore

Ryhlee Gerber

Caroline gets many unwelcome surprises

ZOMG – a sea monster took over Caroline Bedol‘s food, implanted it with an egg which will soon hatch into live young, that turn into slimy clear-colored creatures that eat Kate Chastain‘s nasty attitude. And then turn her into a giant Cheeto after midnight. Or at least that’s my Halloween version of what happened on last night’s Below Deck!

What actually happened is that Chandler Brooks continued to show the same leadership skills as a teenager morphed into an adult in Freaky Friday. He’s also, as Rhylee Gerber so eloquently told us, just a really big “prick.” Indeed. Maybe HE is what punctured Caroline’s toe and caused it to swell up voluminously it will eventually take over her entire body and turn it into one of the giant pillows they drop over the side of the boat? You know the ones Rhylee *gasp* dragged for the second time even though she knew better!

Caroline Bedol and Chandler Brooks

This season of Below Deck is going to boil down to a game of who can make Caroline Bedol crack first. It’s Kerplunk Caroline Of The High Seas Edition! Available now at Shop Bravo.

Everyone with eyes, ears, and a pulse has noticed that Caroline is hot under her dress white for Chandler Brooks. Well everyone except Chandler has noticed this. He’s preoccupied with not upsetting the barrel of crazy that is Miss Alaska Mental Patient Rhylee Gerber.

After the excursion with Ross Inia to the cliff diving where Rhylee had the mistaken impression that she was captaining her own Alaskan sea vessel, Ross can’t take her constant drama so he bypasses Chandler completely and goes straight to the high command: Captain Lee Rosbach. I was totally prepared to watch Lee take Ross down for tattling and going outside of the chain of command, but Lee commended him for his even-keeled approach and for keeping him informed of Chandler’s ineptitude. This tells me Lee is already aware that Chandler is one life preserver short of steering the dinghy and is eying Ross as the natural bosun.

Rhylee Gerber

On last night’s Below Deck we got normal, nice charter guests in exchange for Rhylee Gerber, who is a few halibut short of a full net. (I have no idea how you catch halibut).

Rhylee is still freaking out about her drunken fight with Chandler Brooks which was about whether or not she’s allowed to scream at her boss the way a 15-year-old screams at her mother. In fact, Rhylee acts like an out of control teenager so we’re just gonna go with that metaphor. If you have teens or have just recently survived the parenting of adolescents, or in my mother’s case have never actually recovered even though your daughter is in her mid-thirties, then you know what I’m talking about. And I do believe Rhylee is in her 30’s, right? Or the sea, the sun, and the crazy is just not doing the things Bravo likes done to their skin (Botox). 

Chandler Brooks

Well that didn’t take long, did it? Before Below Deck‘s first charter even ended there’s already major drama between Chandler Brooks and lowest deckhand on the totem pole, Rhylee Gerber.

You could’ve spotted Ryhlee riding the crazy train from a mile away; tooting her horn and waving a flag that reads “SS ATTENTION WHORES.” It’s always the ones who go overboard trying to prove they’re normal that cause the most mess! Of course, Chandler isn’t doing himself any favors trying to run this boat like his name is Captain Lee Rosbach when he’s merely a bosun and his second in command Ross Inia is basically doing all the work.

Chandler’s little lips are so pinched they’re the tightest burrito Chipotle ever rolled and any Real Housewife worth her margarita salt would warn him about the wrinkles this will cause. As it stands Chandler and Rhylee are on two opposite ends of the reality TV spectrum and need to stop playing tug-a-war before it becomes an all-out war. Oh, wait… too late!

Below Deck Season 5 Premiere

Do my eyes deceive me? What of my ears?! Is it possible that Below Deck is filled with competent individuals who actually know what they’re doing in? Ahoy new maties, but I know y’all are not just professional yachties but professional drama-starters too.

After the devastation in the Caribbean Captain Lee Rosbach is anxious to explore the uncharted territory of Tahiti. Captain Lee fancies himself a regular-old Ponce de Leonce, explorer of a vast new world. Joining him to conquer the alcoholics of the high seas, is his intrepid first mate Kate “Champagne Is My Personal Jesus” Chastain.