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Scheana Marie

Kristen

While I’m Team Kristen Doute in her feud with the Witches of WeHo, I have to admit that I feel like her breakup with [Brian] Carter has been going on forever, especially since we are all privy to the drama. That’s probably why she decided to be more low key in her next romance.

Yes, she has a new man, but she hasn’t revealed his identity. Yet. I can’t wait to find out who’s following in Carter, James Kennedy, and Tom Sandoval’s footsteps. Well, minus the freeloading and adultery.

Kim Richards Kyle Richards limo

Sometimes, life is a matter of perspective. Instead of being “stuck” at home because of the pandemic, it might feel better to view the situation as being “safe” at home instead.

Of course, what’s going on the world right now should not be minimized, not by any means. Nevertheless, a lot of people with “non-essential” jobs are at home. Some are homeschooling their children. Others have turned their living rooms into an office. Most of the people who are reading this have been watching a lot of reality TV shows- in the background, while fulfilling responsibilities, of course. Well, Bravo knows that fans are looking for premium programming. And, no, I’m not trying to re-watch an episode of a show that I just watched last week.

And this week, we are in for a treat: all Season 1 episodes, which are the best seasons from most of these shows.

Scheana Marie

She may have a tattoo that says it’s all happening, but for Vanderpump Rules star Scheana Marie, she’s more focused on what isn’t happening for her on her eighth season on the hit reality series. We have truly been on a journey with the Good As Gold singer over the years, from marriage to divorce, to adopting a penguin for her boyfriend as an apology gift. Let’s just say Scheana is never less than entertaining.

But this season, Scheana isn’t too happy with the way producers have portrayed her life, and her mother Erika van Olphen is coming to her daughter’s defense.

Vanderpump Rules Tom Schwartz Katie Maloney

Last night on Vanderpump Rules we celebrated the re-wedding of Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney. Although the relationship continuation of these two toxic assholes is definitely not something anyone should be celebrating, I have to acknowledge that it was the most perfect wedding this show has ever had.

TomKatastrophe 2.0 totally encapsulated the cluster-fucky spirit of what we initially loved about Vanderpump Rules: real friends, down on their luck, but somehow pulling it together and making the most of it. Of course, there were two notable absences to this momentous event: Scheana Marie and Kristen Doute.

Scheana was off getting her eggs retrieved. No, she wasn’t at Whole Foods buying a half dozen in order to chat up the hot 20 year old in the dairy department who is just like her BEST. FRIEND. She just bought him a Roomba after they made eyes when she dropped a carton of skim milk, so now they’re like totally moving from the crush stage to the instagram stories official phase. To Scheana BFF stands for Best Fuck Friend. Scheana’s problem is that her brain is 13 but her biological clock is 34. 

Tom Schwartz Vanderpump Rules

Most of the Vanderpump Rules cast members head to Las Vegas tonight for Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz’s wedding redo. It’s not all wedding bliss though. Schwartz finds a bra in his bag and it’s not Katie’s. Is something scandalous going on? Probably not, but there’s bound to be drama anyway.

Of course, Kristen Doute is flipping out back in West Hollywood because she was excluded. Again. Even Lisa Vanderpump and Ken Todd make the trip. Naturally, Lisa also uses the trip as an opportunity to publicize the Vanderpump Cocktail Garden.

Lala Kent Scheana Marie Vanderpump Rules

During the last season of Vanderpump Rules, Lala Kent was struggling with alcoholism and grieving the death of her father. This year, sober Lala has been way out of hand. She tried to out James Kennedy by rekindling those rumors that he slept with Logan Noh. She attacked Raquel Leviss for no reason at that wine night.

She is really high and mighty for a woman who constantly brags about providing oral sex in exchange for private jet access. During last week’s episode, Lala tried to give Scheana Marie some advice about her love life. Scheana broke down crying, admitting that she was upset to be divorced and single. Months later, Lala took that “tough love” to another level. This time, she was straight up mean, which seems to be norm these days.

Vanderpump Rules Scheana Marie

Oh sheesh, after serial dating everyone else on the cast to see who sticks (aka who will even pretend to put up with them), Dayna Kathan and Brett Caprioni are finally getting their moment on Vanderpump Rules.

And then there is Stassi Schroeder literally begging Beau Clark for a ring. Isn’t this a pattern for her to demand these men want to commit on her terms? Just like it’s a pattern for Scheana Marie to fake BFF every guy under 30 who she meets at SUR, writing his initials in puffy paint circled by a heart on all her most favorite sweatshirts. Doodling SM + ANYONE WHO WILL LOVE ME AND MY PRACTICALLY BARREN GERIATRIC WOMB. Anyway, where is Lala Kent to point out Stassi’s flaws? Good thing we’re here to do that instead.

Seriously Scheana may not be able to land a date, but she’s certainly able to launch the would-be careers of previously no-name SURvers. Maybe she should finally give up waitressing to go work with Beau in central casting? (Not kidding!) 

Kristen Doute Vanderpump Rules

Last week’s episode of Vanderpump Rules left a lot of people sympathizing with Katie Maloney, for the first time in years. She was offended by a prank Randall Emmett, Lala Kent, and Jax Taylor played on Tom Sandoval. Tom Schwartz felt the exact opposite, so he decided to berate her talk about how he never wants to have sex with her in front of all their friends. Oh, and the Vanderpump Rules viewers, of course.
Now that Katie and Schwartz have the spotlight among the show’s 16,324 cast members, they’re gonna capitalize on that. Their next storyline? Renewing their vows in Las Vegas. However, their first marriage wasn’t actually legal, so it’s just a wedding redo. Their inviting some of the same people, except for Kristen Doute. Last week, Katie excluded Kristen from girls night. Now, Katie isn’t including her in the wedding redo. That doesn’t seem like a big deal, but in actuality Kristen is probably freaking out that she’s missing out on some money by not being included at events that are filmed for the show.