Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives Of New York, which was about as bad a news a girl can receive. I should probably just console myself by investing in a Countess Candle. After all, Luann de Lesseps is my personal idol of how not to behave and why.
It’s the day before the infamous Christmas Cabaret and Luann is in rare form, gliding into the Gramercy Theater wearing a fabulous cape – like a true diva. Next Luann will be getting one of those long cigarette holders (please let this happen). Luann’s weary assistant, the Countess Corraller, is stationed outside her dressing room overseeing the vast collection of Luann-centric products: statement necklaces, t-shirts, and of course the candles, but this is a mere rehearsal before the big show.
Dorinda Medley and Sonja Morgan take time out of their busy lives for a little pampering, i.e. Coolsculpting which freezes their fat cells so they can metabolize them, then pee them out. If only I could do this with ice cream! Also Real Housewives science, as departed by a doctor we’re supposed to find sexy is always the best.
Tonight we say goodbye to Real Housewives Of New York which is about the biggest travesty of my summer. Worse than not having my vacation planned yet ( I know, I know…), but at least we get a little Christmas in almost July with the Countess‘ Holiday Cabaret!
Despite Ramona Singer trying to block the women from attending Luann de Lesseps‘ cabaret by planning a surprise party at the same time, several of the women rally to make it the holiday extravaganza. Unfortunately, despite their best efforts, Luann’s diva behavior asserts itself once again! Can this woman never be stopped? It’s like her own ego literally has consumed her!
Miami is where souls go to die on Real Housewives Of New York. People are arrested. People are swept up in tsunami-like rages. And people pose decadently and cluelessly in front of their cabaret posters in the middle of the street.
Last night gave us the full spectrum of why Real Housewives Of New York are the alpha Housewives. One minute people are shaking with sobs, the next they’re shoving their dogs in a home freezer, then putting on thong leotards for a little 80’s throwback workout.
Real Housewives of New York star Tinsley Mortimer’s storyline has been very similar the past couple of seasons. Mainly her desire to have a family and a willing partner to join her. Her tagline this year perfectly summed it up, “Game, set, now I need a match.” Plus, who knew she was also a good tennis player?
Tinsley thought she had found her perfect match when she started dating Carole Radziwill’s friend Scott Kluth. But it didn’t take long to see that the relationship was one sided. Scott was always MIA. When he did show up, Tinsley embarrassed herself by acting like a fan girl. Thankfully, because of the tick tock of Tinsley’s ticking clock (say that three times fast), Tinsley realized it’s time to move on.
*sigh* So many thoughts about last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of New York. SO. MANY. THOUGHTS. And even more questions!
Does Luann de Lesseps deserve the wrath of hungover Housewives? Does air conditioner make Sonja Morgan poof or poop? Does Bethenny Frankel see Luann as her human sounding board – the one person resilient enough to take all the tantrums Bethenny’s mother ignored as she headed out to the clubs or on a date; giving Bethenny free-reign to project all of her childhood emotions.
Also, it occurs to me, that Bethenny probably married her mother and her father in Jason Hoppy, who seems diabolical, but also really disinterested in her melodrama, and Bethenny needs someone to give validity to her hysteria or else she thinks they don’t ‘hear’ her.
The Real Housewives of New York’s Tinsley Mortimer is one of the few Housewives who doesn’t purposely create drama with the other ladies. Sure, Tinsley participates in a little pot stirring when induced by her co-stars, but the drama she creates is usually centered around her own life. Tinsley must not have watched previous episodes before joining the cast three seasons ago–the other women are meant to be the targets-not yourself, Tinsley! Haven’t Ramona Singer or Bethenny Frankel taught you anything?
Tinsley’s self-inflicted drama is usually about her personal life. She has been very open about her desire to start a family, believing her biological time clock is on high alert due to her age. Tinsley is also famous for breaking up and making up with on-again, off-again boyfriend Scott Kluth. Her castmates and advice happy mother Dale Mercer have all told her to move on from Scott and it looks like Tinsley might finally be listening.
This show I tell you. The Real Housewives Of New York ladies know how to do it right. Every episode is like going to an all you can eat buffet.
Only on Real Housewives Of New York can you have a drunken collapse over an argument about cabaret turn into political commentary on the last time Sonja Morgan probably felt relevant. Which flows into competing artists giving out free art and Ramona Singer inviting her ex-husband and new boyfriend to a party, then being forced to admit to making out with her former friend’s ex-husband in front of another friend who also hooked up with this same guy.
Oh, they’ve descended upon the sunshine state again… Shouldn’t Florida have an ordinance keeping the Real Housewives Of New York out?!
In cold New York city Ramona Singer has convinced everyone that vacationing in a fabulous Miami mansion will be just the thing to unify the group after Upstate. Round houses have a way of backing everyone into their own corners. Also Luann de Lesseps is spinning on an axis around her own sun, orbiting her own ego, and declaring that she’s not a diva at. all, so maybe a return to Florida will put things in humbling perspective for her!