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Stassi Schreoder

Scheana Marie Vanderpump Rules

From the very first episode of Vanderpump Rules this season, I found Dayna Kathan to be suspect. In her very first scene, she tells us that she just starting hooking up with fellow newbie and TomTom manager Max Boyens. How convenient. Then, mid-season, she suddenly starts dating the other newbie Brett Caprioni, who coincidentally happens to be Max’s best friend. And they both happen to have also hooked up with none other than Scheana Marie! It is almost like she is following a “How to Be Relevant on Reality TV” Handbook. Dayna does not seem to have chemistry with either of the guys, and the whole thing makes me skeptical of her motives in general.

Dayna‘s flings with Max and Brett naturally led to a rivalry with Scheana. Hooking up with the newbie best friends was Scheana’s plan for this season! Dating the resident f***boys is Scheana’s role! Dayna definitely stole her storyline. Even though Scheana says everything is good between all of them now, she did not miss the chance to call Dayna out for her calculated moves this season.

Vanderpump Rules Kristen Doute

Even though she’s never been a personal favorite of mine, watching Kristen Doute stumble her way through Season 8 has been TOUGH. STUFF. She really has been blasted both on and off screen. First we had to watch her break up with her man-child ex-, Brian Carter. For some weird reason this split seemed to aggravate her “Los Angeles family”, Stassi Schroeder and Katie Maloney and we had to sit through the remaining two witches of WeHo leaving Kristen out from such coveted events as wine night. Shockingly, this was all while claiming Kristen was the one icing them. Even more recently she has had body shaming pregnancy rumors to deal with. Painful.

Couple all of this with a season where every single longstanding cast member is buying homes, getting engaged or married, and freezing eggs? Guys, we really have watched a couple get married to each other for a second time it’s been so slow. I mean, seriously, what am I even watching??? I have quite literally been asking myself this question all season, and it sounds like Kristen has been too. Am I about to be team Kristen?

Scheana Marie

She may have a tattoo that says it’s all happening, but for Vanderpump Rules star Scheana Marie, she’s more focused on what isn’t happening for her on her eighth season on the hit reality series. We have truly been on a journey with the Good As Gold singer over the years, from marriage to divorce, to adopting a penguin for her boyfriend as an apology gift. Let’s just say Scheana is never less than entertaining.

But this season, Scheana isn’t too happy with the way producers have portrayed her life, and her mother Erika van Olphen is coming to her daughter’s defense.

Vanderpump Rules Trampoline Park

As always, I think the Secrets Revealed episodes are better than most of what we’ve seen throughout season. And Vanderpump Rules was no exception!

Jax Taylor is totally having a pre-midlife crisis. He’s too old for a quarter-life crisis (let’s be honest, no one expects him to live to be 120 years old) and technically he’s too young for a mid-life crisis, so he’s in a 2/3 life crisis, which means having 400 birthday parties dedicated to doing things kids should do. Like the trampoline park where Tom 1 suggests they play dodgeball on teams of Jax plus all the women he’s slept with, vs. Tom and all the people Jax hasn’t slept with! Bouncing boobs of many incarnations (Jax being the biggest boob of all).

Actually, it was the season of Jax, and, it was totally too much Jax (his shenanigans have overstayed their welcome), but here we go again! At least for the last time. 

Vanderpump Rules reunion

Last night was the final episode in this endless season of Vanderpump Rules. I celebrated making it to the end with a Vanderpump Rules worthy fancy cocktail of my own creation.

Oftentimes while watching this show, I mentally compare it to The Wizard of Oz. I imagine all these aimless WeHo-ers, orange as oompah-loompas, wandering the LA scene asking The Wizard, Lisa Vanderpump, for some guidance, but even Lisa doesn’t know what to do with these half-humans and sometimes must simply order them to “shut up.”

So last night Lala Kent got a conscience, Jax Taylor pretended he got a heart, and Scheana Marie demonstrated that selling her soul to Andy Cohen the reality TV satan granted her eternal selfishness. Congrats!

James Kennedy

I know we’ve all referred to the stars of Vanderpump Rules as “Vanderpump Fools” but you know, if the condom fits! Happily some of these people have taken the tentative steps towards adulthood, however most of them are still mixing reiki with booze and wondering why their back hurts.

On part 2 of the reunion, Jax Taylor continued to be confused about, well, everything. Lala Kent defined feminism and her finances, and Katie Maloney cried about how amazing Tom Schwartz is. Regardless of how flawed it may be, it’s nice to finally see these two happy – especially considering how unhappy their wedding was! 

Vanderpump Rules Reunion Part 1 Recap: Crying Shame

Last night kicked off the Vanderpump Rules reunion and the main topic on the agenda were all the horrible relationships (what else?) floating like backwash in the half-drunk cocktails at SUR. From Tom Sandoval‘s gripes that Lisa Vanderpump doesn’t take him seriously as an entrepreneur and restaurant designer, to the many, many delusional thoughts of Scheana Marie Shay Famewhorini and her ROBsession.

Jax Taylor was on an emotional roller coaster, which wasn’t too different from Jax Taylor-coaster we’ve seen all season, except instead of depending on reiki master Kelsey to feel up his feelings, he was actually mourning the death of his father. Through his tears, Jax describes it as the worst thing that’s ever happened to him but the loss made him realize what an impossible mega-douche he’s been to everyone since, oh, time infinitum. It’s like someone held the evil stepmother’s mirror up to Jax and showed him the truth! That person was not Stassi Schroeder, shockingly. 

Stassi Schroeder

After a long, protracted, repetitive, and drawn-out season, Vanderpump Rules ended where it always does – in the beginning, with a tale of woe of Jax Taylor and Stassi Schroeder; two ships crossing in the night during a tsunami. Jax and Stassi didn’t have drama together (although Jax was gobsmacked by seeing Patrick in the flesh), but the epicenter of this show has always been Jax and Stassi.

Honestly it should because they’re both tragicomic heroes. Two people so miscalculating in their own effects, yet squandering so much potential that it almost makes me feel bad for them. All the characters on this show are like that to a degree, but none so poignantly as Jax or Stassi, one, a star-crossed failure, and the other a star-crossed hater who idealizes murder because she can’t confront her own painful insecurities.