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Vanderpump Rules Season 7

Vanderpump Rules - Jax Taylor

On tonight’s Vanderpump Rules the teartini is replacing the pumpini, because oh-oooooh: Everybody’s crying!

Jax Taylor is celebrating the last birthday of his 30’s but he’s still fighting with his mom about the way his dad’s cancer was handled. She doesn’t even call him on his special day. As Jax struggles through his first birthday without his parents a flood of emotions come pouring out. 

Vanderpump Rules - Ariana Madix

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was inspired by 70’s icon Olivia Newton John who implored everyone to “get physical” – although may be not in illegal situations (i.e. a moving vehicle) with inconvenient partners.

So first we must discuss Tom 2‘s new hair color. It is rather reddish, like a Burnt Sienna crayon from the Crayola big box of 64 colors. It is best described as Raggedy Andy. Which is basically Tom’s whole life: loafing around WeHo, skulking behind Katie Maloneys rage, just awwww… shucks-ing while drinking his blues into oblivion near every open bar.

This morning’s ‘le sad emoji’ is because Lisa Vanderpump is still refusing to reveal the interior of TomTom because it’s not ready. Tom 1 is even more devastated. He had his outfit all freshly pressed and ready to go when they got the call letting them know takeoff had been delayed. Again.

Tom Sandoval Tonight the Vanderpump Rules crew parties too hard and experiences lapses in judgment. You know, something new and different! Except for this time, Tom Sandoval also jeopardizes his relationship with Ariana Madix by sharing details about her personal life in mixed company. Oopsie. First, everyone visits Scheana Marie‘s new shrine, aka the apartment where she lays her massive self-photo collection. But Scheana isn’t just showing off her new place, she’s also showing off her new man by revealing that she and Adam Spott have finally gotten physical.

Katie Maloney

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules waded into some murky water. None of us were prepared since all we were wearing was castoff Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show robes.

At any rate, the campaign to ostracize and harass James Kennedy is reaching a diabolical and questionably legal point. It’s really pretty pathetic on the part of the show to allow this. I usually find that reality TV bullying accusations are baseless. Yet, here the cast members are actively organizing to get James pushed off the show for no apparent reason. Given how upset Lisa Vanderpump has been over her treatment on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and her repeated cries of being ganged up upon, I’m super surprised and disappointed that she’s allowing this. I’ll get off my soapbox now to recap this. However, I’m not being nice to the Three-Headed SheBeast, like ever again. 

Vanderpump Rules

This season of Vanderpump Rules seems never-ending to me. Which is sad considering that it’s generally one my most beloved Bravo shows. Maybe I’m just tired of the same old people, never changing, never growing; doing the same old thing? Haunting the hollows of SUR like more obnoxious David Wooderson’s from Dazed & Confused. Tonight is no exception when Katie Maloney plots to seize back SUR from James Kennedy by hosting a Girl’s Night In Pajama Party spun by an all new DJ.

It brings huge crowds and plenty of interest, but Billie Lee is furious not to be included in the planning. She takes it as a slap in the face to being trans and therefore not “one of the girls.” When Billie confronts Lisa Vanderpump about the situation, Lisa is shocked! 

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Bad Mutha

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was the collision of past and future as Stassi Schroeder’s mother demonstrated that the rotten apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!

The morning after her birthday meltdown, Stassi has some amends to make with Beau Clark. Stassi’s hangover face, puffy and red, has aged her 15 years yet she’s still drinking a beer for breakfast! It’s like one of those aging apps that shows what you’ll look like on your 50th birthday.

Apparently Stassi’s telephone harassment of Beau escalated to in-person harassment. She stormed back into the party to demand he come to bed with her immediately. And in response Beau cried. The next morning he whines that when Stassi yelled it felt like getting “dick punched” in the heart. Do dicks punch? I hadn’t known. Oh, maybe Beau means like being punched by an actual dick. Someone like Jax Taylor, perhaps.

Stassi Schroeder & Her Mom

On tonight’s all new Vanderpump Rules the fallout from Stassi Schroeder and Ariana Madix‘s joint birthday proves to have long-term drama in Stassi’s life.

First Stassi has to make amends with Beau Clark after drunkenly calling him, texting him, and screaming at him during her party. Thankfully, Beau loves Stassi but he is not willing to put up with her antics. 

Stariana

Whew! Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was packed full of drama, wrapped in Stariana’s delusion, and doused with the warm flat remains of Tom Schwartz‘s Coors Light after he passed out in some random person’s house.

Lisa Vanderpump will be working to stop Yulin forever. To accomplish her goal of replacing all people in the world with dogs she requires each SURvian to own at least one canine. Even James Kennedy, who gets left out of everything, is not exempt. And guess what – to demonstrate what a topsy-turvy world this is, his dog is the cutest. The only exception is Scheana Marie, who has a cat. Because Scheana is more of a pariah than even James, and obviously has to own a me-centric animal (true confession I am a cat person).

Everyone meets at Vanderpump Dogs to put a temporary tattoo on their face and get a photo with their pooch, then post it on Instagram. Including James. Whose firing is the talk of the pound as he strolls through the door with Raquel Leviss by his side.