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A new episode of the Real Housewives of Orange County aired last night during which Gretchen made certain to let us know over and over again that she hates her dogs being fat, and not just Slade but also the two she shares with her ex-husband. Peggy brown-nosed Tamra during a dinner outing, Vicki continued to give Donn the cold shoulder, and Alexis gave us a tour of her non-foreclosed home – a glamour shot of a shirtless Jim included – cue up the horror music.

This episode begins with Vicki going to visit Tamra in her new digs. We learn a lot in this scene, mainly that religious iconography is the ladies’ go-to for gifting. Vicki gives Tamra a cross as a housewarming present, and Tamra was able to take a break from making out and picture taking in Spain to pick up a rosary for Vicki, which Vicki plans to keep in her car(??). Tamra also reads a text from Jesus Barbie, er, Alexis regarding Macegate 2011, stating that Vicki likes to take “the low road while preaching the high road.” Amen to that. Oh yeah, and Alexis seems to have finally made it big in the Housewives franchise because, like so many before her, her home is in foreclosure.

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Meanwhile, catching up with the couple who haven’t had a legitimate story line yet this season (perhaps this lifetime), Gretchen and poor Slade Tubbawubba are befuddled at how fat Gretchen’s dogs have become. Gretchen and her ex-husband have joint custody of the dogs, and they always seem to come back from dad’s house a little meatier than when they left. Also meatier? Tubbawubba. He is forced to get on the scale while Gretchen chastises him about his weight gain, but I’m pretty convinced he could shed ten pounds (at least) just by washing that gel out of his hair.

Vicki and sweet, nice, normal Donn decide to spend some much needed quality time together by getting separate massages. I would like to elaborate more, but all I really took away from this scene was “HOLY BOOB JOB SCARS!!” Yikes.

Gretchen and Slade double date with Peggy and Micah (who may be my new favorite househusband). There is a lot of talk about what makes someone a good dad, and Slade awkwardly avoids the subject. Gretchen also makes sure to point out how much food he ordered. He’s a fattie and deadbeat…Tubbawubba just can’t catch a break tonight. On to the muscle testing…Gretchen has brought some of Gretchen Christine’s finest plumping lip glosses so Peggy can make sure that her man of 1,000 allergies won’t have an adverse reaction to them. It’s a very intense process whereby Micah holds the tubes of gloss and Peggy tries to pry his fingers apart. If his finger strength is weak, he could possibly be allergic. He demonstrates with a bottle of hot sauce, and I am left agreeing with Gretchen (not okay) who wonders, “how can he tell if he’s allergic through the packaging and plastic?” After these shenanigans, Gretchen asks how Peggy and Micah make their marriage work. Peggy answers that Micah gets nightly b.j.s and has the total package. Draw your own conclusions there, people.

Because it’s not enough to berate him at home and in front of friends, Gretchen enlists Tubbawubba to go with her to the vet, so she can make fun of him there. One of the poor pooches falls off the scale and I’m thinking Gretchen’s ex-husband may do better with sole custody. Across town, OMG! You like mojitos?? I LIKE MOJITOS!!! Tamra and Peggy bond over a liquid dinner, and we see that Peggy really, really, really wants to be Tamra’s friend. Like really. So much so that she may be willing to throw her old friend Alexis under the bus. We’re reminded that Jim has never changed a diaper and doesn’t seem to have any sort of job, which lends itself to those pesky foreclosure rumors.

It’s date night for Vicki and Donn, and I must say I felt so badly for him. That man just tries to be nice and fly under the radar and Vicki gets on him about everything, from his wine choice to his suggestion that she call his sister when she goes to Minneapolis for a business trip. Poor guy. His own wife doesn’t even know how old he is! In her interview, Vicki tells the camera that she wants her marriage to be perfect and it’s not…hmmm…I wonder if things would be better if she took the time to learn the little things–like her husband’s age.

In a “Seriously, Bravo??” moment, Gretchen and Slade head to the park with their chubby pups for some doggy boot camp. Poor Tubbawubba is forced (at least I hope he was forced) to wear a super tight and girly baby tee proclaiming it’s boot camp time for Vinnie and Rocco. I don’t understand how Gretchen can get on Slade for his weight when he can clearly borrow her clothes. After telling Gretchen that he doesn’t appreciate the public criticism of his extra poundage, Gretchen gets all huffy and says that Tubbawubba often makes fun of her in public too. When she can’t come up with an example of such, she gets even huffier. An angry Slade decides to get a jump start on his diet and runs home after the fight.

Tamra heads to Alexis’ house to hash out all the text message drama surrounding the aforementioned mace incident. Alexis gives her the grand tour and OH MY GOD DID YOU CATCH THAT PHOTO OF JIM IN HER CLOSET??? Wow. That is one heck of picture, my friends. After commenting on the size of the house, Tamra innocently asks if Alexis and her family will get to stay in it. It’s not a foreclosure, it’s a loan modification, Tamra. Duh. That pretty much sets the tone for their entire “discussion” where Tamra is all “I’m sorry you don’t have a sense of humor” and Alexis is a broken record of “my party, my party, my party.”

Next week, it’s the Ghosts of Housewives Past! Jeana returns to wreak havoc in Tamra’s life and then there’s Lynne at the gym (where else) asking Fernanda about Tamra’s dip in the lady pond. Scandal!

Watch What Happens Live – On WWHL, Tamra and Eddie show up in the clubhouse wearing coordinating purple outfits. Andy comments on the picture of Jim in Alexis’ closet, and we learn it was pre-chin implant, or chimplant, as Tamra calls it. She’s a funny one! Eddie shows that he’s a laid back fellow and is pretty good about making fun of himself, especially when discussing his wine chugging porn bath from a few weeks ago. During game time (do those gay rumors surrounding Eddie have any merit?), Andy declares Eddie a “ten out of ten hetero” and rewards him with some Maxims and a bag of Doritos. Technical difficulties aside, Jacqueline of RHWONJ pops in to give us a teaser of the upcoming Jersey antics. And right at the end of the show, Tamra claimed to have owned up to her own past foreclosure, hence her reason for poking fun at Alexis’ misfortune, except that she never did. In fact, Tamra denied her foreclosure not once, but twice.

Thanks to everyone for such a warm welcome here at RT! Mazel!

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