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Last night’s Jersey Shore was everything it should be and more. Oh so much more. There was a lot of cursing, a lot of falling, and a lot of inappropriate sausage references. Viva Italia and God bless the Shore.

Episode two of the new season, starts off where else? In the clerb. With the roommates watching, Deena lays one on Pauly D, and there is way more tongue than I need to see. She eats off his bottom lip and reveals her plans to have him as a cuddle buddy that night in hopes of gaining his Italian sausage later in the trip. Is it weird that when that time finally comes, I hope Pauly D comes bounding into the smush room singing “Saus-sege is heeya!” A girl can dream, right? Snooki, on the other hand, isn’t liking the Situation she’s in…you know, the one where the Situation keeps groping her.

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Snooki tells Pauly D she wants him to f*% Deena. He wants to, he really does, but he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings when later in their trip he starts diddling a plethora of other girls. Snooki assures him that Deena just thinks that he’s her biffle, but more a biff*ckle…you know the kind of best friend she’d like to bang. Pauly D is DTFD (Down to F Deena), but he’s wary as he’s never met a chick that could hook up without getting pesky feelings involved.

Snooki confides in JWoww that she’s worried that the Pauly D(eena) situation could ruin their friendship, much like what happened with Snooks and Vinny, who I still think would make the best couple ever–after Vinny and me, of course. JWoww is in total agreement, and I am glad she’s wearing underwear or else the entire world would be getting wowwed by her va-J at during this scene. Cut to Pauly D on the dance floor with a local — JWoww intercepts Deena before she can become a full on rhymes with sock blocker. Jenni expresses her concern, but a slurring Deena just wants to mess with him, not fall for him. As if that’s humanly possible…

Two cabs head back with Pauly D(eena)’s impending hook up being the topic of conversation. Snooki reminds Deena of her situation with Vinny, and–did someone say Situation?–Mike uses this as an opportunity to start rubbing on Snooki. The gang heads back to the house, and Deena spills into the foyer, like mercury from a broken thermometer. She has an unintelligible conversation with a puppet, and all I can say is, GTL Pauly…good truckin’ luck.

Ronnie makes a phone call to Hannah, a “friend” who helped him through the Sammi madness. He seems sincerely happy to talk with her and wants her to come visit. Deena crashes into the Jacuzzi while attempting a puppet show, and then heads to find Pauly D who is faking sleep in his twin bed. She can’t believe he’s passed out, but we all know sly Pauly D. The night vision camera catches him opening one eye once the coast is clear.

Pauly D tries to wake up the entire house by jumping on beds and sounding the grenade whistle (you can’t make this up…it’s just amazing), and he, Sitch, Vin, and Deena head out for their first Sunday stroll in the land of MFin’ Beauty and the Beast to get the ingredients for their first family dinner in Florence. I love how much they love a tradition. Watching them shop when they don’t know the language is almost as hilarious as Pauly D’s windbreaker.

Sammi volunteers herself and Deena to cook…um. Okay. Isn’t this the chick who has never once inanywayshapeorform participated in Sunday dinner other than to eat and/or look sullen? She first complains the garlic smells weird…perhaps because she’s shoving a bag of scallions up her nose. Next she is worried that the oddly shaped strawberries have gone bad. No, the raspberries are fine, Deena assures her while priding herself on the fact she didn’t fall once the night before. The girls prep in the kitchen before heading out for a snack. Worried Team Take-out is going to starve them, the guys hijack the dinner preparation. It’s the first Sunday dinner of the season–Salut!–and Snooki wakes up right in time to enjoy it. After dinner, Snooki calls Gianni who gets on her for not calling him earlier. Mike is right there to give her relationship advice…if relationship advice is just him feeling her up uncomfortably and not be able to read nonverbal cues.

Vinny answers the phone to find out that the gang will be working in a local pizzeria for a boss named Marco. I haven’t seen him yet, but I’m already in love with his voice. Of course, the group is late for orientation because they took a detour through the Vatican (good gracious). Jenni, for one, is excited about the job so she can school her future grandchildren with her pie making skillzz. “Bitch, I learned how to do this in Italy, now shut up and eat your pizza.” Reminds me of times with my own grandmother…Snooki is the guinea pig for the pizza demonstration, and what do we learn? She loves hot sausage. Of all varieties.

Jenni, a coffee pioneer, attempts to make a cup of Joe much like they did in the 1600s. There is no need to worry about coffee though as it’s time to head to the clerb. Mike is approached by a beautiful pretty kind of cute chick from the exotic land of Florida, US of A, and he needs a lot of reassurance from his friends as to just how kind of cute she is. Has he watched past seasons and seen the girls he’s brought home? This girl is a gem! Meanwhile, on a scale from one to blackout, Ronnie has half an eye open. However, he is able to tell Jenni that he’s flying Hannah out for a visit in a few weeks. The guys want to know if Jenni’s going to tell Sammi about the visit. No, duh. She’ll just leave her an anonymous note.

Ronnie is in the rarest of forms…like more rare than his threesome make-out sesh. He is in such rare form that JWoww must pluck some stray toilet paper that has made its home on his eyebrow. Now that is a good friend. A wasted Ronnie reveals to Vinny that he slept with four girls before heading to Europe. No, make that three girls. No, make that four girls in three days. Not at all disgusting. Okay, now we’re clear…as is Sammi who is listening. Ronnie starts some kind of hybrid techno break dancing in her face as if to say, I don’t give a rat’s ass if my smushing hurts your feelings, now drop that beat. And we’re back in a) Miami; b) the Shore; c) does it even matter? or d) all of the above.

Deena face plants all the way home, and the Situation brings back his Pensacola Princess. Snooki is a bit jealous and asks Vinny is she’s cuter than Miss Tampa 2008. Vinny appeases her, but then himself gets a tad jealous–why does Snooks care? Does she have a thing for Mike? Speaking of Mike, he’s busy getting his mind blown (yeah, we’ll stick with ‘mind’) by some Florida State co-ed who is studying abroad. Dear MTV, I know you have cameras in the smush room, but I don’t need to know exactly what’s going on in there. Seriously. Always the gentleman, Mike hands his lass her clothing and calls her a cab. Snooki decides this is the best time to inform Mike that he is bringing home some bunk chicks these days. In a moment of sincerity, Mike admits that he wouldn’t have brought home FSU girl if Snooki would just give him a chance. The Situation reveals that Snooki isn’t just some girl he’d like to bring home, she’s so much more. Fireworks, violins, and Lady and the Tramp sharing spaghetti…it’s just the most romantic thing a guy could say. Yikes. Snooki “Vinnies” Mike even better than Vinny “Vinnied” her last season, with the whole, I care about you as a friend even though all the viewers can tell I secretly pine for you speech. I’m just glad to see they are recycling.

The gang, sans Sleeping Beauty Snooki and Ronnie, head to eat at a cafe, and Vinny leads the group in a discussion with Sammi about how he won’t put up with her and Rawn fighting all the time. Sammi thinks she is fine in her ability not to engage Rawn in fights. Of course, Mike must take it a step further to discuss how Ronnie was purposely instigating while drunk the night before. Didn’t Mike learn his lesson last season? If not, we all know Roid Rage Rawn teaches him later this season. Fear not though, Sammi “isn’t letting the whole Rawn thing get to” her.

Ronnie and Vin share some very sweet one-on-one time in the Jacuzzi. In an odd turn of events, Mike tries to cuddle with Deena who isn’t having any of it. The following morning, Deena calls him out to all the housemates, while Mike is upstairs changing sneakers. At brunch, Ronnie gives a history lesson about how Leonardo da Vinci painted the ceiling of the Vatican with his own two hands. GAHHH! First of all, my favorite reality cast ever, you are not, I repeat ARE NOT, in walking distance of the Vatican. Second of all, it was Michelangelo who painted the Sistine Chapel, not the Vatican. I realize I’m lecturing to a group who knows these artists because of a group of mutant, nunchuck wielding turtles, so I’ll stop before reminding them that the Vatican isn’t just some building in Italy. It’s an actual city. Where Shredder lives.

Pauly D calls out Deena for telling the house that Mike tried to cuddle with her the previous night. Mike gets very defensive and Deena isn’t happy that Pauly put her on blast. Snooki thinks Pauly knows Deena is in love with him and is trying to deter those feeling by being ugly to her. It’s pretty much exactly what Snooki thinks, but without the bleeped out words and subtitles. Later at the house, Pauly tries to appease Deena by making the puppet fist-pump. Again, who could make this stuff up? I kind of want to type that after every sentence of this recap, to be honest. To apologize for his earlier behavior, Pauly gets Deena a bracelet. Nothing works to deter feelings in an “I don’t like you and it freaks me out that I know you majorly lurve me even though you claim you just want to be friends” scenario than to buy a gift for one’s stalker smitten kitten.

The gang is back on the dance floor, and Madonna would be proud at the amount of Jersey vogue-ing that is happening…as Deena falls. Again. Pauly D keeps reminding Vinny that the girls in the clerb are young…like illegal in the States young, so they all need to check I.D.s for those who are DTF. Sammi takes a page out of Deena’s playbook and collapses on the dance floor. She realizes that she’s wasted and incredibly annoying, but she needs to talk to Rawn. “Rawn, I just want to talk to you about our relationship, RAWN! I just want to be friends, Rawn! Why can’t we be friends? RAWN? I miss you, Rawn!” Pauly and Vinny have an entire comedy routine based on “If…then she’s too young for you, bro.” My personal favorites? If her bicycle has a basket or if her Keds still light up (bless you Pauly D, for knowing about the Keds phenomenon that was my middle school experience), she’s too young for you, bro.

Back home, Deena plops down in Pauly D’s lap, and he waits a few seconds before pushing her off so as not to appear rude. Sam is cozying up to Rawn because she “still has feelings, you know?” and I say, can you blame her? She still loves and misses him…so does he want to cuddle? A drunken Rawn maturely (what?) realizes that it wouldn’t be a good idea, but doesn’t want to embarrass his ex. He claims to be still hungry, but instead of heading into the kitchen, he sneaks off to bed.

Next week, Deena is hooking up with half of Italy, and Mike strikes it big when he finds twins. Threesome? Or maybe foursome, when one twin makes it clear she’d rather hook up with Snooks than the Situation. Clearly something happens, because JWoww informs Snooki that Mike told the whole house about it, and Snooks is less than happy. I. Can’t. Wait.

WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT THE EPISODE AND THE RECAP? SHOULD PAULY D AND DEENA HOOK UP? WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON SAM AND RAWN AND SNOOKI AND MIKE? HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK ITALY HATES US RIGHT NOW?

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