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Last night’s Jersey Shore was one hot mess of tears, douchiness, sex, and some absolutely horrible boots. The whole thing was just A. LOT.

Snooki wakes up the next day after Jionni leaves feeling awful, and still sporting her hot pink leopard swimsuit. Pauly D, along with Rawn and Deena, head to work, and Pauly is trying to be as loud and annoying as possible to exasperate his roommates’ hangovers.

Back at the villa, Snooki can’t get in touch with Jionni so she seeks the advice of her BFF JWoww. Unfortunately for Snooki, Jenni wasn’t blackout wasted the night before and she remembers all the kind and loving things her friend screamed at her in the streets. She decides to sleep in and ignore Snooki’s whining. Undeterred, Snooki puts on a hoodie (or is that a dress?) and her Ewok boots to go out day drinking alone. That is always a great idea!

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Back at the pizza parlor, Deena cleans the bathrooms while the boys flirt with patrons. A drunken and burping Snooki heads home crying and decides it is the perfect time to call her dad. Screaming and crying on the phone to her dad, Mr. Snooki wonders why in the world Jionni would have left her, acting as she is. Jenni awakens and Snooki chastises her for not being there earlier when she needed her biffle. Having much more patience and tolerance than I do, Jenni forgives her friend. Side bar, she really needs to put on a bra.

JWoww continues to be a better friend than most would be to basketcase Snooki, and she goes to try to call Jionni. Sam moves into her place to comfort Snooki. Jenni is able to get in touch with Jionni who agrees to speak with Nicole for two minutes. She yells for Nicole right into the receiver. I am hoping he didn’t lose his hearing. Snooki is inconsolable when Jionni refuses to come back as he’s taken a train to Rome. Jenni offers to pay him to come back, and she finds out he hasn’t left yet. Snooki keeps saying passive aggressive things about and to Jionni until Jenni tells her to stop having a “Sam moment.” Even Sam agrees it’s like her old self fighting with Ronnie.

Snooki meets Jionni, and he hugs her but tells her that he must go as he already got his mom to switch his ticket. She begs him to stay, and he apologizes for the fight. Jionni walks Nicole back home and says his good-byes before she collapses in the foyer of the villa. It is very uber-dramatic and slightly obnoxious. Okay, not slightly.

Vinny, wearing a pair of purple pants, builds a pile of sofas, luggage, and other miscellaneous items on Deena’s bed. When she goes to confront a showering Vinny, he takes his prank (?) one step further by chasing her out of the bathroom and rubbing his naked junk on her back. It’s like family! When Deena tries to clean off her sleep space, a sofa falls on top of her and she becomes trapped underneath it. These are the golden tidbits, which are getting fewer and farther between, that caused me to fall in love with this show.

The gang heads out to the clerb, with Deena silently wondering if she’s got a bun in the oven. She’s been extra emotional, and Aunt Flo neglected to visit her this month. On the dance floor, Snooki takes her aggression out on a poor local chap, both grinding on him and choking him simultaneously. Is it just me, or did Snooki vow to cut back on her drinking after her drunken beach arrest at Seaside?

After several drinks, Deena confides in Jenni that she may be pregnant. The girls leave the clerb to search for a pregnancy test, with the other meatball crying in the streets of Florence about how she’s been drinking and smoking and how her parents are going to kill her for embarrassing them. Yup, yup, and probs yup. They find a drug store that dispenses the test through a tiny door within a door on a building that reminds me of something out of the Princess Bride. They head back to the house where they are met by one of the three stooges, er, um, Mike. Seriously, what is up with his hair right now? He is a walking Just Say No PSA. Deena takes the test and discusses the what-ifs with Jenni while Sam and Rawn are passed out on a twin bed in between them. Where do these people come from? Surprise, surprise! Deena isn’t prego–shots all around!

The following day, Snooki decides to call Jionni as she has moved from the hysterical, sloppy stage to the bitter and pissy stage once Jionni reminds her she was dancing like a pig. Do what? I want to bitch slap him through the phone…not because he’s not accurate, but still, boys don’t talk to girls like that. He continues with a barrage of true but unnecessarily mean comments. Snooki tells him she needs a break before hanging up on him.

Sammi assures Snooki that she did the right thing, and even says that the old, controlling Ronnie (as opposed to the new and improved version) would have totes acted like Jionni. Oh, no, no, no, Rawn tells Sam. He wouldn’t have stormed out of the club, because he would have never let Sammi out of the house dressed the way Snooki was dressed when Jionni was in town. Yeah, not at all controlling. The girls don’t like the way Jionni tries to change her. Snooks thinks everything would be okay if she could just sober up go to Karma.

Since the crew is around the world from their Seaside hot spot, they decide to bring Karma into their living room. They get “fresh to death,” sing “cabs ah heeya” and Pauly dee jays in the den while the Situation watches creepily on the fringe of the dancing. Mike tells Jenni, Deena, and Snooki that he should be allowed to rock Snooki’s world. Obvi, she loves him as a friend, and he brings up their past hook-ups. I wonder if the camera crew has to wear surgical masks to ward of the STD laden air around this bunch.

Mike keeps telling her he loves her, and she needs to fess up to the times they have had sexy time. Mike professes that he wants her to break up with Jionni so that he can take care of his Snooks…oh, and also admit to the others that they totally did it not too long ago. He doesn’t like to be made to look like a liar. On that note, he then tells her that the other roommates, specifically Rawn, tried to get him to kick Jionni in the head because everyone dislikes him. Yeah, he’s not a cokehead liar. Mike’s romantic endeavor has totally crashed and burned because now Snooki needs to confront Ronnie.

With no one in the house she can trust, Snooki goes to bed with her giant stuffed frog. The group asks Mike why he feels the need to stir the pot–JWoww warns him that he’s going to sabotage his friendship with Snooks. Not at all. What the roommates don’t realize is, that when Snooki was smushing him (I am using a more polite term than Mike used) while watching her best friend get smushed (here’s looking at you, Ryder…and Vinny!), she was…Mike can’t get another word out of his mouth before a disgusted Sammi interrupts. She’s really starting to grow on me, that one. Pauly D just laughs as Mike digs himself into a deeper situation hole. What a d-bag.

Snooki wakes up and goes into Deena’s room. Deena really wants to snuggle with Pauly D, but he banishes her to her own bed, while Snooki squeezes into Vinny’s bed. The grainy night vision cam still shows too much for my virgin eyeballs, and I didn’t need closed captioning to begin when Snooki tells Vinny to you-know-what her. Always the gentleman, Vin asks if she’s still with Jionni. Once she says no, the wife beater flies off and the sheet forms a tent over the pair. Ewww. There are other people in the room! Vin just went down a notch in my book.

Next week, Snooks wakes up to wonder WTF went down the night before. I’ll give her a hint, she was DTF. Mike needs Snooki to admit to their hook-ups so he won’t seem like a liar, and she throws a giant wine bottle at him. Snooks is not on board with the tough love that JWoww is dishing out, and she calls Jionni to confess her “oops” with Vin.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE EPISODE AND THE RECAP? IS SNOOKI TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL? WILL MY BRAIN BE ABLE TO FORGET WHAT MY EYES WERE FORCED TO SEE WITH MY SWEET VINNY AND THAT HARLOT?

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