It’s an all new Jerzday, GTLers! Last night was the season premiere of Jersey Shore which found the gang back at the Shore for Round Three. I have to say, I love the local seasons as compared to Miami and Italy. The drama continues as Mike “The Situation” (or the Saduation) Sorrentino won’t stop with proving true the fact he hooked up with Snooks while she was with Jionni. Without further ado, I’m going to Jersey Shore, b*thches… and I may rip your heads off along the way!

Ciao Florence, s’up Jersey. There’s a montage of the group leaving Italy, although it’s clear they are thoroughly thankful for their experiences abroad. Or not. Fast forward two seconds to a Jersey shuttle ride and the whole cast is riding out to that infamous house that once had an Italian flag spray painted on the garage. What happened to the antics of watching separate housemates hilariously make their way back to the Shore? I guess production costs called for “an altogether now” arrival. Oh, nevermind… they went straight from Italy to Seaside. That’s quite a spring break! One thing hasn’t changed… no one wants to room with creepy old Mike.


The crew — including Snooki’s overworked crocodile stuffed animal — go sprinting into the house to reclaim their own STD laden beds. Sammi and Ron are not happy that Mike is stuck with them yet again… but after watching flashbacks, it’s probably the Situation who should be concerned about having to live with them. Geez. The group unloads a countless number of neon rolling luggage and it’s almost classy to see that there are no garbage bags involved. Let’s celebrate that fact — shots all around! In fact, let’s hit the board walk and harass our past and future boss at the Shore Store!

Vinny says it best, hitting the boardwalk for the first time is the perfect inauguration for this dysfunctional group. Amen and thank you. Seaside Heights has never been so devastated excited. It’s time to G. T. L. The boys have been fake sun deprived and their laundry has been missing fabric softener. God bless the U.S.A. Snooki immediately tries to call Jionni, who she hasn’t seen since that debacle in Europe. She misses him sooooo much. Meanwhile, Pauly D is thrilled to find a barber that can shave the perfect lightning bolt mohawk bow and arrow hair art into the back of his scalp. Oh, the motherland. Vinny is sporting a sick mullet/mohawk/fauxhawk (Rawn’s words, not mine).

They all head out to drink with their boss from the Shore Store. He’s staged a surprise welcome back party for his employees of the month minute. Jionni is there to surprise Snooki, Roger is there to surprise JWoww and Vinny’s Uncle Nino is there to surprise unsuspecting underage patrons his nephew. It doesn’t get more heartwarming than this folks. Even Vinny’s mom is there… perhaps to chaperone Nino, but maybe to see her son. Snooki’s dad is present as is her biffle Ryder (awkward much, Vin?). Were they in Italy for weeks or years? Please advise. Ronnie believes Uncle Nino is so flipping creepy he needs to be a roommate — he can have the smush room.

The only sane one of the bunch (?) is JWoww who is concerned about Jionni being there with Snooki’s confirmed hook-up Vin, and her alleged hook-up Mike. Mike is beyond thrilled. There are several witnesses in this one bar that can attest to the fact that Snooki cheated on Jionni with Mike. Ryder and Mike’s best friend, The Unit (is that his given name?) are egging Snooki on about the smush with Mike that never ever ever ever happened. Even Ryder is calling Snooki out on her shenanigans. When Mike promises not to spill the beans about their purported “situation” Snooki begins to cry because “she so loves Jionni.” Ronnie begins to think that maybe Mike wasn’t lying his way through Italy. The Unit (what is his real name??) tells Jenni that he totes saw Snooks and Sitch get down on it.

JWoww is concerned about this shindig turning into a done-dig. Sitch is staying mum, but The Unit is threatening to tell Jionni everything he saw/heard. Jenni approaches Snooks in the restroom (where all good things happen) and advises her that she’s acting suspicious and needs to chill and stop hating on Unit (birth certificate, please) so he won’t spill the infidelity beans. Ronnie approaches Unit and Sitch (that sounds like a future Nickelodeon cartoon) and he finds the whole debacle funny… and true.

Vinny is so thrilled he got to see his family in Seaside and the gang heads back to the house. Snooki is crying to Jionni about the lies that could come forward. Meteorologist Mike predicts there’s a hurricane situation that’s heading straight for Snooki Island. Watch your back — and your job — Al Roker!

Snooki takes Jionni straight to the smush her room so he won’t have to be a part of the juvenile drama which could unfold downstairs at any second. The lady does protest too much. I’d tell Jionni that, but he’d probably think I was speaking Italian. A roided up Unit is changing clothes with Mike, leading his roommate Sammi to think that Mike may swing both ways. Nah… Mike just needs to change drawers and moisturize. Mike so wants Snooki drama to unfold, but unfortunately she’s gone to bed.

In other dramz, Snooki’s first BFF Ryder is majorly irking Snooki’s second BFF Deeana by sinking her claws into Pauly. As Sam aptly observes, is there not a guy in this circle (Unit included) whose company Ryder hasn’t enjoyed? Deena is beyond jealous. I’m guessing Vinny is beyond thankful. And they both get to sleep in the same bedroom as a horny Ryder and a desperate Pauly. Pauly is slightly grossed out about taking his boy Vinny’s sloppy seconds (especially with Vinny in the next bed), but not grossed out enough not to RideHer.

Vinny makes the same RideHer joke in the following scene and I swear I wrote that last line before watching what he said! Vinny needs Ronnie to do Ryder to finish up Ryder’s sex bingo card. Priceless. Snooki and Mike fall back into their nasty friendship where Mike wants to call her out, as Snooki is trying to cover her tan a$$ to spare Jionni. Snooks apologizes to Unit and that pretty much means that a crisis is averted where Jionni is concerned.

Poor Vin is homesick, thus Ronnie reaches out to his bro/bra/pal/tanning buddy. Rawn offers to get him a stripper or a hooker. Deena offers The Sex. He’s good, but thanks. Vinny is prepared to go clubbing with the roomies, so don’t go calling any crisis help lines on his behalf. Pauly is all about finding someone for Vin, but unfortunately, it’s grenade city. Vinny leaves and Pauly is close behind, because, you know, bros before hos. I love Pauly D.

Back in the clerb, Jionni stupidly buys Sitch a drink. And another. And another. Mike can’t believe his paramour’s boyfriend is getting him drunk. Snooki is legitimately wary of Mike’s intentions. Back at the house, Vinny can’t sleep, and his behavior is worrying Pauly and Rawn. This is why I love this show. Not the fact that Vinny is stressed, but the fact that his friends are truly concerned about his well-being. They really are a family. Pauly thinks Vin’s homesickness is the worst he’s ever seen as Vin threatens to leave the house for good. Nooooooooo!!!

This season is just as ridiculous as seasons past. Previews promise hook-ups, drunk humiliations, bar fights, Mike promising to call out Snooki (what’s new?) and Vinny’s (hopefully short) absence. The group isn’t too keen on MTV’s the Shore Store’s decision to find a Vinny replacement.


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