Last night was the premiere of the sixth and final season of the Jersey Shore. Vinny Guadagnino, Pauly "DJ Pauly D" Delvecchio, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, Jenni "JWoww" Farley, Deena Cortese, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, and Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola are all back for one last summer in Seaside Heights. I had high hopes it was going to be epic. After last night's two-hour episode, I'm not holding my breath.
First up we check in with the two roommates who won't be partying this season. A sober Mike is having one last giant meal with his family after returning from rehab for prescription pills. He claims to be the healthiest he's ever been, and I am happy to see Paula by his side. I think she's good for him. He says they're not quite dating, but they are close. What does that even mean? Meanwhile, a pregnant Snooki is excited to see the old gang, and wouldn't miss out on the experience just because for something as minor as expecting a baby. She's done a total 180 (is that what it's called?) and there won't be any meatball antics with her.
JWoww and Roger are now living together after her quick stint as roommates with Snooki for their spin-off. He isn't thrilled at the prospect of her heading back to the shore to party, but Jenni insists the couple is in a better place than last season. She's just waiting on that much anticipated engagement ring!
Knowing he wasn't really winning any popularity contests last season the Situation has decided he is going to prepare an elaborate Sunday dinner for when his roommates arrive. Snooki calls JWoww, and we learn that she hasn't spoken to Mike since last summer when he accused her (multiple times) of cheating on Jionni with him. She doesn't want any drama. Roger laughs…as if no drama was ever an option with this bunch!
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Sammi and Rawn are back together and in a good place. Ronnie claims he's so much better communicating with Sam now. He talks instead of throwing things. Awww growth. Everyone's favorite bromance is en route to Seaside. Pauly D and Vinny are chatting on their cell phones during their respective drives to the shore. They are both hoping that a sober Sitch will fall back into MVP without being a jacka$$.
Deena is excited to return to the shore house with a new figure, a new face, and a new boyfriend back home. She is the happiest she's ever been, although she's worried as the solo meatball, she won't have anyone to play with this summer.
Mike arrives at the house first and immediately starts cooking his apology dinner. Deena arrives and he helps her bring in all of her stuff. It's already a new Mike! He compliments Deena on her new look and reveals he's even quit smoking. Pauly comes in followed by Sammi and Rawn. A very pale Vinny is close behind. MVP claims one of the three person rooms which leaves Sam and Ronnie with their own room for the first time in the history of the show. Snooki and Jenni arrive, and Snooks is hell bent on avoiding Mike like the plague. Not surprisingly, Mike quickly bores of no one helping him. He won't be cleaning up after his feast, that's for sure. It's finally hit Deena that she won't have her partner in crime. Everyone is happy to see Mike happy and healthy. They toast his success in rehab.
After dinner, they all remember their first summer and Mike apologizes to each of the roommates. Rawn is floored that Mike has finally stepped up to say he's sorry, but Jenni says that she is going to be guarded until he's proven all her doubts wrong. The Situation totally understands her and Snooki's reservations.
The gang heads to see Danny at the Shore Store and then they call it an early night. Yeah, a lot has happened in six seasons. Everyone is awake before 10am and heading to the gym. Who are these people and what did they do with the drunk orange people I'm used to seeing? Next they head to the tanning salon after an awkward exchange between Snooki and Mike. She didn't fare well at the gym, and she obviously can't tan. This is turning into Snooki's nightmare. MTV then treats us to a conversation about the girls farting in front of their boyfriends. At least they haven't changed that much.
Over lunch with the girls, Deena bursts into tears because she misses her boyfriend so much and it's only the second day. Her friends are supportive, but if this is any indication of how the summer is going to play out, I may need start drinking while I watch. The roommates are going clubbing, so Snooki is having date night with Jionni. Yawn. At least Deena falls off the hammock, so it kind of feels like I'm watching the same show. Jionni arrives and Vinny totally ignores him. Vin thinks it's a tad awkward that he's the last dude to have sex with Jionni's fiance. Yes, I could see that.
Finally, I hear the words I've been longing to hear. "Cabs are heeya!" It's time to head to Karma. At dinner, Snooki is feeling left out, but she doesn't want to be the trashy six month pregnant girl at the club. Good for her. Mike is navigating the bar scene, but I am sure it difficult for him. Vinny has a revelation that between MVP, they have smushed most of the girls at the club. Everyone finds Snooki's absence to be very weird. At dinner, she decides that she's going to have Danny find her another house so she's not constantly being bombarded by drunk roommates.
It didn't take Sam and Rawn long to get back to screaming at one another. Both of them are totally wasted, and they are fighting about whether they are going to have a good time. Rawn then tells Sammi that he could find a million girls who would do for him what she does. He's such a romantic. At least there are no Caboodles in sight to be thrown for good measure. He tells her to leave him alone. Meanwhile, Mike is watching everyone's drunken antics and wondering if he should stage an intervention. Vinny is talking to Deena's boyfriend Chris about furniture. The conversation works because Chris works in a furniture store and Vinny needs to buy furniture. Wasted Deena somehow gets it in her head that Vinny is making fun of Chris. No matter what Vinny or Chris say to placate her, she won't stop crying. Sammi was right. This is going to be a long summer. I have to say that Chris totally seems like a stand-up guy as his meatball has a meltdown.
At the end of the night MVP is in full effect, and Mike says he's had more sober than he ever imagined. Deena says a teary good-bye to Chris. Back at the house, Rawn laughs like a child as he steals all the bedding from the smush room. Mike thoughtfully informs Pauly that he's learned from his girl that Pauly's girl is being visited by Aunt Flo but she still wants to hook up with him. Is Pauly down with that? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. No, Pauly is not down with that, so Mike decides to ask the ladies for a rain check. Self-respect, girls!
Mike loves waking up sans hangover. Jenni and Deena feel like they got punched in the face, and Rawn is puking. He does take the time to apologize to Sammi. Ronnie, Sam, and Mike head out for lunch, and the Situation fills in the blanks for Rawn's blackout night. Sam is super proud of how well Mike is doing. Back at the house, Vinny is trying to give Deena relationship advice while he cleans his sneakers. It ends up being a rainy night, so everyone is sitting around bored. Vinny declares that he needs to be besties with Jionni. Snooki doesn't think that is going to happen if Vin keeps joking around about being the father of her baby. He reminds everyone that he and Jionni are Eskimo brothers. I learn from Pauly D that guys become Eskimo brothers when they hook up with the same girl. Apparently all of the guys in the house are Eskimo brothers to each other in some way shape or form. I hope they put a double dose of chlorine in that hot tub! Mike sees an opportunity to move Vinny onto Snooki's bad sad and hopefully getting himself off the hook with her.
Pauly, Deena, and Snooki head to their first day of work. Snooki plans to be a stellar employee. Danny has the perfect apartment for Snooki nearby to the shore house so that she can still be close to her roommates. The girls head to lunch, and Snooki reveals that she is uber angry at Vin for disrespecting Jionni. Now that she's pregnant and engaged, he is totally crossing the line. Sam and Snooks go shopping, which depresses the pregnant meatball.
The guys head to the boardwalk. Vinny is wearing a shirt that says I heart Snooki, Rawn is wearing a shirt that says I heart Deena, and the Situation is wearing a shirt that says I heart Sammi. I can only assume Pauly is expressing his love for Jenni. Vin and Mike are bonding over their trials with anxiety and drugs respectively. Jenni and Deena head out drinking, and poor Deena thinks integrity means "shame" until the bartender teaches her otherwise. Snooki is hoping that JWoww isn't becoming her meatball substitute with Deena since Jenni never really would get wasted with her pre-pregnancy.
Vin and Mike are in charge of the first Sunday dinner. The roommates discuss the first time they had sex. Car, car, car, car, and Vinny shares that he's set a personal goal to remain celibate for the summer. Yeah, it really is time for this show to go gently into that good night. It's just not the same. Good luck to Vinny though. Snooki shares that she's looking into getting her own place. The roommates are disappointed, but they totally understand.
This season, Deena gets arrested and has a breakdown. Roger gets into a major bar brawl, Snooki and Mike remain at odds, and they gang throws the pregnant meatball a surprise baby shower.
[Photo Credit: MTV]