Let's revel in how horrid and scripted last night's Dance Moms was, shall we?  If I didn't love these precious little talented girls so much, I'd be kicking Abby Lee Miller and her momtourage to the curb…and out of my DVR season pass!  I do agree with one thing Abby said in her recent interview–viewers need to be treated to more dancing and less drama (Abby's hateful shenanigans included!).

Abby receives a phone call from a judge at last week's competition in Greensboro.  There was an error in scoring, and Maddie and Kendall's Sugar and Spice solo was actually supposed to get second place, not the top prize they were awarded.  Abby seems to salivate at the mouth over this news, as it validates her argument that Kendall screwed up her part.  We all know what second place is, right?  Say it with me, folks…first losers! 

Abby goes into pyramid with the smuggest of smug looks on her face.  She tells her dancers that she was unimpressed by all of their dancing regardless of how well they place.  Abby takes great pleasure in sharing the mathematical error that caused Sugar and Spice to take first place when they were really supposed to be first loser.  She goes after Kendall and wonders if she thinks she's as good as Sophia…guess what, she's not.  Wait, who is Sophia again?  Oh yeah, that little girl that danced once and hasn't been back for two episodes.  A dear Chloe consoles her tearful friend who finds herself back at the very bottom of the pyramid.  Joining Kendall at the bottom is Maddie.  Abby explains that if her duet partner falters, she falls with her.  Nia is also on the bottom for an "okay job."  Paige and Chloe make up the second tier.  Paige moves up for placing in the top five, and Chloe joins her for exceling in the group number.  An excited MacKenzie is at the top of the pyramid, and she has earned her spot back in the group number.  A very present Brooke is still nowhere to be found in Abby's hierarchy.


This week the group is traveling to Virginia, and Abby informs the girls that they will be competing against some of their former replacements.  MacKenzie gets a solo, and she will be featured in the acrobatic group number.  Abby reminds Chloe that she isn't a strong tumbler, but she reveals that Christi told her months ago that she's doing better with her standing back tuck…so it will start off the group number.  Chloe looks like she's going to vomit, and Christi immediately tells Abby that she doesn't give her daughter permission to do a back tuck in the dance.  Abby recalls that it was a while ago when Christi bragged on Chloe's acrobatic skills, so shouldn't she be even better now?  My blood is boiling, and I find myself doing a deep breathing mantra as I type…"this is scripted, this is scripted, this is scripted."  Abby is being a raging beatch, and she tells Chloe that she was going to get a solo until her mother wouldn't let her do a back tuck. 


The moms are dismissed, and Holly assures Christi that she made the right decision regarding the back tuck.  Jill questions Melissa as to whether she thinks that Maddie is a wee bit jealous of her little sister's newfound success.  Melissa knows that Maddie is MacKenzie's biggest fan…she just gets stressed out being on the bottom.  The moms wonder how Melissa is dealing with Maddie's recent lack of solos.  Melissa goes to Abby to ask her if Maddie can have a solo, but Abby is adamant about punishing Maddie because Melissa wouldn't let her dance a few weeks ago. 

The girls are getting an extra acrobatics lesson this week to make sure the group is prepared for the group number.  Every time Chloe takes a tumbling pass, Abby tells whoever will listen that the sloppy tumbler's mom thinks she can do a standing back tuck…can you believe it?  Melissa is torn that her walk-out has caused her daughters to suffer.  The other moms are very glad that Melissa stood up for her friends.  Abby dismisses the dancers, but she keeps Chloe in the studio.  She berates Chloe about the fact that she doesn't deserve a solo based on how Christi talks to Abby.  She then says that Chloe's solo could be perfected by now if she didn't have such a giant B for a mom.  I'm sorry…if Abby wasn't willing to teach Chloe the solo, how was she supposed to perfect it before learning it?

Abby then calls in Maddie who tearfully wants to prove to her teacher that she wants to be a dancer so badly.  Maddie gives a timid argument as to why she should have a solo, and Abby goes off on her with fake tears, causing Maddie to start sobbing an apology.  I take back what I said today about Abby's interview.  I can't stand this woman right now.  Almost all of the girls have been in tears on this one episode and we're not even at the halfway mark!  Ridiculous. 


MacKenzie is working on her solo, and Abby is putting on the pressure.  Abby reminds MacKenzie that her sister Maddie was phenomenal when she was MacKenzie's age.  Meanwhile, the moms are investigating the studio from which the replacements came.  Melissa then tells the moms that Abby cried to Maddie about the decisions that Melissa had made.  Christi is livid.  Given the way Abby is screeching at MacKenzie, not all of Melissa's children are so loved by Abby.

At the competition in Virginia, Abby warns the girls that they need to beat their amazing replacements.  Abby notices that MacKenzie looks terrified, so she makes sure to tell her not to blow it because there is a lot riding on her performance.  No pressure.  It's not the typical cutesy MacKenzie dance…this is much harder choreography, which she forgets for a half a second.  Back in the staging area, Abby questions MacKenzie about how badly she failed and how horribly she danced.  Abby doesn't want to be mean, and she wouldn't have to be if MacKenzie hasn't sucked so badly.  My God!  MacKenzie is in tears again.  How can Melissa refrain from yanking one of Abby's cheap ass tacky earrings out of her lobe??


Chloe is practicing her solo, and Abby reminds her troupe to be kind to their replacements…just like she's taught them always to be polite.  They meet up with the dancers, and Christi takes an issue with their ages.  It is true…the girls had to ask their mothers how old they were supposed to be.  Awkward.  Replacement Bella dances, and she is quite the talent.  I hope my little star Chloe isn't getting intimidated while waiting in the wings.  Shockingly, Bella wasn't as good as Abby expected.  The other replacement dances, and her lines are fluid and gorgeous.  Yikes.  I find myself extremely nervous for Chloe, but she's amazing.  Christi doesn't think it was her best dance.  Abby reminds Christi that she jeopardized her daughter's dance career for her friendship with Kelly. much like Melissa did for her daughters when she jumped from one husband to the next.  No she did not!  Maddie and MacKenzie are IN THE ROOM.  They do not need to hear this about their parents' divorce.  Maddie is in tears.  Abby tells Maddie that Sophia would rock her world if she were actually around. 

Jill can't believe that Melissa stood there and let Abby berate Maddie.  Melissa urges Maddie not to cry because she's already in full make-up.  Jill rightfully tells Melissa that Maddie should be crying because she just watched her mother and father be torn down by her dance teacher in the name of her talent. Awful.


The girls are getting ready for the group number, and Abby refuses to come back and run the dance with her troupe.  Christi steps up to the plate.  Kelly is sickened by Abby's behavior.  That makes two of us.  We are treated to the "replacements" group dance, and they are awesome…although they look a lot older than the ALDS crew.  Abby thinks that their dance is outstanding.  Abby's girls perform, and they are spectacular as well. 

It's time for awards, and MacKenzie places third in the mini solo division.  Abby can't believe that one of her dancers could go from first to third in a mere week.  I'll refrain from what I think Abby's done in a week.  In the junior solo division, one of the replacements land the fourth spot, and Chloe takes second.  Abby blames Chloe's second loser spot on Christi being such a B-I-T-C-H.  Yeah, that's it.  The other replacement garners first place.  The girls get fourth place in the group dance.  All of the moms–and Abby, of course–are floored.  The replacements grab top prize.  Abby is humiliated, and she let's her girls know.  She blames fourth place on the fact that Chloe wouldn't do the standing back tuck.  I want to smack Abby.  Christi tries to hold her tongue, but she unleashes a "fattie, fattie, fattie."  Kelly scurries the girls out of the room for the ugliness.  I'm Team Christi tonight, and I never thought I'd say that!

Next week, Abby punishes Kendall because Jill (it appears) tries to get her daughter a better costume.  Abby also goes off on Chloe.  What else is new?


[Photo Credit: Lifetime]

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