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Are y’all as glad as I am that the circus we watched in the form of the finale of the Mob Wives reunion is finished? Get it together, Vivica Fox! You’re not part of the cast (although, check her out in that action shot–gotta love Viv!)! After her Twitter war last week where she joined forces with the veteran ladies against Natalie Guercio, I was a tad curious to see what would unfold…until my very exhausted brain realized that the entire reunion was actually filmed before that happened. Oops. Oh well! I was still anxious to see what would unfold after the insanity of part one. At least it opened with a bleeping, bleepity, bleep montage the the dicks and dildos (the things you can now say on television!) that came out of Drita D’avanzo’s mouth throughout the season. It didn’t feel right typing that, I’ll be honest. A blushing Drita is mortified by her mouth, and she admits that “pickles” is her safe word when her oldest daughter catches her cursing like a $%*&$% fool.

Getting into the meat of the series, Renee Graziano’s early season rocky relationships with Big Ang and Drita are highlighted, followed by forgiving Delicious Natalie and her decision to let go and let God. A tearful Renee is upset that she harbored so much hatefulness in her heart, and she apologizes for hurting her friends. Drita admits that she still likes Renee, but she didn’t how she was behaving for the first part of the season. Natalie wishes they had buried their issues earlier but knows they both are too stubborn for that to have happened. Now, Renee is in a good place. One “you go, girl” from Vivica, and we’re treated to an video introduction of Natalie DiDonato, aka, New Natalie, aka Nat D, aka Natalie 2.0, aka Fraudalie (not to be confused with Ratalie, of course!). 

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Natalie joins the ladies on the sofas, and she’s clearly raided Original Natalie’s closet with that too tight gold mess. Ang asserts that she really doesn’t know New Natalie even after spending so much time together because all the girl did was talk smack about Ratalie. Ang’s take-away from Nat D is only that she loathes Nat G, and she thinks that’s a bit weird. Fraudlie claims that Ratalie ruined her dear friend’s life by claiming he beat her and then ratting on him to his parole officer. Let the bleeping begin! In between the bleeps, we learn that one (um, try both) hates the other for being heavily Botoxed tossed around with an insult about a resemblance to John Travolta. Hey! Leave Danny Zuko out of this! Trash-this, disgusting trash-that (don’t drink every time someone says “trash”–or “rat”for that matter–as we don’t want you to wind up getting your stomach pumped!), and Gold Natalie (yeah, that one) is jumping up to confront other Gold Natalie. Vivica has lost total control of this struggle bus ans it’s careening off the cliff of chaos. At least security looks classy in their dark suits…Original Natalie does what she does best (especially when she doesn’t have an entourage to protect her) and runs away. 

Ratalie keeps yelling “peace out!” as she heads to her dressing room while Fraudalie threatens to rip Ratalie’s eyelashes out one by one if she ever sees that dirty skank on the street. I am trying to correlate that fact that people like this are becoming famous (re: paid) reality star to the world going to hell in a hand basket. Not related. We, as a society, despise train wrecks and rewarding bad behavior, right? Right? {crickets} Karen Gravano pipes up to equate Natalie’s flight to guilt. Drita follows Ratalie and encourages her to return to the stage as leaving like this implies that Fraudalie could be telling the truth even though Drita knows that isn’t the case. She’s able to coax Ratalie back to the stage, and after some close ups of some extremely Botoxed Natalies, I can’t figure out which one looks less like John Travolta. Sorry, John.

We’re treated to footage of both Natalies trying to get dirt on the other. Fraudalie explains that her boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) went to jail because a things got physical between them during a fight and the cops were called. However, she brags that she didn’t call them and never showed up to court so his charges were dismissed. You go, girl! You stand proud about the fact that you let your boyfriend get away with assaulting you (although something tells me she probably could take him with both hands behind her back!) because you’re no rat! Priorities. The term rat is getting served back and forth faster than a game of ping pong, and someone finally asks Drita to expound on whether Ratalie the rat has any room to call anyone else a rat. Surely, rat hating Drita can’t defend her friend on this front, can she? With the fire of a thousand suns spewing from her mouth and veins literally about to pop out of her neck, Drita screams that Ratalie has called Karen and Fraudalie rats and even calls herself a rat on the tape Fraudalie played for her on the finale. However, Drita bellows, the biggest rat move in the history of rat moves is ratting out someone with a recording obtained secretly…like a rat would do. This is Mob Wives, not effing CSI! She’s been effing quiet for too effing long. And scene.

Poor Ang is just over the tapes. They are so 1996. Couldn’t we at least get an MP3 up in here? Vivica reminds Drita that she swore off any contact with Ratalie after hearing Fraudalie’s recording. Drita responds that if Fraudalie’s tape is legit, it certainly makes Ratalie a rat, but it’s not a distinction she can make…as she’s already noted (and quite vehemently, I may add), she is not skilled in the art of crime scene investigations. Ratalie boasts that if she wanted her ex in jail, he’s be in jail and since he’s not, she is definitely not a rat. Sign this chick up for law school. The arguments are strong with this young Jedi. She reminds everyone that she was in an abusive relationship, and Karen and Renee immediately start refuting her claims. They should all do a PSA for domestic violence. Before the ladies can be overcome with laryngitis, Vivica reminds us all that before she was a host, she was an actress…and a good one at that. She manages to turn on her best “crying voice” (sans tears though, damn Botox) while telling the women they are breaking her heart. She hobbles off stage, too overcome with emotion to continue. That’s how it’s done, ladies. 

Vivica returns to share her memories of volunteering at a battered women’s shelter, and she finds it horrific that these beautiful women could throw such accusations and make a mockery of a very real problem faced by far too many. Go Viv. She’s says what Ang is thinking. To change up the dynamic as far as tension is concerned, Carla Facciolo is summoned to the stage to face her former friend Drita. No one, not even Carla or Drita, can seem to recall why the two besties stopped talking. Karen is ready to address the elephant in the room, promising it’s not a dig at Drita. Oh, you gonna go there? Drita gives great side-eye. Drita accuses Carla of talking smack about her to bloggers. Oh really? How do bloggers know stuff about Drita that only Carla would know? I know one blogger she didn’t talk to, or else I’d have a lot more to say right now. Drita passive aggressively reminds Renee that her spiritual cleansing led her to make up with her nemesis Carla. Vivica asks both Carla and Drita if they miss their friendship. Both do. But that’s it. There isn’t going to be any making up on this stage. 

Let’s break up the monotony of all the rat talking with a montage of rat talking! Drita explains that there is no difference between a rat and a cop caller in their lifestyle. Drita doesn’t think that someone with a normal life who turns in someone who murdered their loved one is a rat. They are a justified cop caller because they weren’t raised in a lifestyle where you take care of yourself without involving the law. Cops are bad. Thanks for explaining…and kind of insulting…us normal folks! Vivica turns the focus to the season finale where Ratalie brought an entourage to Renee’s spiritual cleanse party. Even the second time, the ending was so abrupt. Ratalie isn’t ashamed to admit she brought back-up in the form of seven friends given the women’s penchants for attacking her. Emily Post Vivica states that proper etiquette would dictate the invitee plus one guest…not seven. Drita understands why Ratalie did what she did, and Renee believes that she truly came to be supportive and not for a fight. Fraudalie also claims to have feared being jumped by Ratalie and crew. 

Ratalie left an abusive relationship for a reason and she sees no reason to get involved in one with Fraudalie. I guess that answers Vivica’s question as to whether the two Natalies could ever make amends. Ratalie hates that her ex crawled out of her past to feed crap to Fraudalie at her request. Fraudalie threatens to scalp Ratalie like the slut monkey she is. She must have been an English major–girl’s got a way with words. Ang expresses her disdain with Fraudalie’s comments, and Vivica warns them she’s about to start crying again. Fraudalie: slut bitch (I think), Ratalie: dumpster juice, Renee: can’t we all just get along? And then in a flash of gold that would make Midas jealous, Fraudalie scurries across the floor (what other things scurry? Hmmm), and it gold on gold before anyone can blink an eye. Ratalie leaves again, this time for good. Fraudalie warns that if she returns to the stage, she will beat Ratalie’s effing head open, followed by “oooh, I’m bleeding.” You know, Fraudalie should consider mentoring at-risk youth. She’s be great, right? As the reunion concludes, Karen is celebrating Natalie’s exit. Vivica wants to poll the women as to whether the women are Team Fraudalie or Team Ratalie. Karen and Renee are for the former. Drita and Ang are tired of the question. Ang is tired of Ratalie’s mouth…that’s all she knows. Vivica thanks the women for a fun time. Wait, was she there? 

TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF PART TWO OF THE MOB WIVES’ REUNION? WHICH NATALIE LOOKS MORE LIKE JOHN TRAVOLTA? 

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[Photo Credit: VH1]

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