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We asked, we believed, and we received! TLC’s 90 Day Fiance has scrounged up another batch of betrothed couples from across the globe to show us just how dangerous the internet can be. Yes, five brand new couples and one set of familiar faces (hello Nicole and Azan!) are poised to broadcast their epic travails of love and con-artistry for our viewing pleasure. For all of you long-time 90DF fans, welcome back, friends! For those of you wondering, WTF is this show and why should I watch it? I implore you: SET YOUR DVR NOW. You’re welcome, in advance.

As a reminder, the premise of this show follows American men and women who have fallen in love with foreigners who, when they arrive in the U.S. on a K-1 “fiance” Visa, will have exactly ninety days to marry their captors partners. Joining Nicole and Azan this season are newcomers Elizabeth and Andrei, Annie and David, Aika and Josh, Molly and Luis, and finally – the number one contenders for actual love and happiness (how refreshing!) – Evelyn and David. Last night’s premiere introduced us to most of the couples, and there’s a lot to dissect – so let’s get our dumpster diving on, shall we!

We begin with Molly, 41-year old Woodstock, GA, resident. Molly is a “custom bra fitter” who owns a boutique…allegedly. She considers herself a local celebrity and prides herself on fitting the “largest boobs in the world” with brassieres. This perhaps serves as a clue that Woodstock must not know what celebrities are. Molly has two daughters – Olivia, 17, and Kensley, 6, who have different fathers. Molly claims she was happy being single – that is, until she met a bartender in the Dominican Republic! DR native, Luis, is 26 years old, ready to marry Molly, and obviously has no idea what the hell he’s getting himself into. (See: Danielle and Mohamed, circa seasons 2-4).

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Even though Molly and Luis have only spent the sum total of a month together, she’s is sure they’re a perfect match. Plus, she used the Google machine to ask “How do I marry a man from a foreign country?” So…she’s all set.

In Tampa, FL, we meet 26-year old property manager, Elizabeth, who comes from a large family and loves her dog. Elizabeth considers herself the rebel of the family, so naturally, finding a fiance abroad goes with the territory. Her fiance, Andrei, is 31 years old and from Chisinau, Moldova (a country that borders Ukraine and Romania).

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The couple found each other on a dating app, met in Dublin (where Andrei is currently living), and decided to take the plunge into engagement shortly afterward. Elizabeth likes Andrei for his “classic alpha male” personality, admitting she finds him intimidating. But he knows how to ballroom dance and has lots of “pizazz,” apparently. He also likes to take dancing selfies in the mirror. Elizabeth thinks these qualities make up for him being kinda scary and mean. Mmmkay.

Also, Elizabeth’s family (especially her dad) think this Andrei dude is baaaaad news. They won’t have to meet him just yet, though, because the K-1 Visa process is taking a long time. Andrei can’t come over to the U.S., so Elizabeth plans to go to Dublin for the interview process first.

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YESSS!!! Nicole and Azan are officially back in our lives, people. Let the shoulder-sniffing and body checking against vans begin! In Bradenton, FL, 23-year old Nicole takes care of her 2-year old daughter, May, while she sighs over the love of her life being back in Morocco. Since that cringeworthy trip, in which Azan, 24, avoided Nicole’s public groping like it was his job and encouraged her to expand her cuisine beyond French Fries, the couple have sadly been apart. Nicole was scared they’d never see each other again, but apparently Azan really needs a green card had a change of heart! Because the couple still wants to pursue the K-1 Visa. That Nicole can’t afford.

Since Nicole can’t swing the cost on her own, she’s begging her father, Tyler, to co-sponsor Azan. Mama already denied her delusional a$$! But Tyler is shocked that Nicole hasn’t given up on the Visa, and is now legitimately scared that Nicole will uproot their granddaughter and move to Morocco if he doesn’t give in. Thus, he gives in. They’ll be responsible for Azan for 10 years (whether the couple stays married or not), so this is a major deal. (Again, see: Mohamed and Danielle, a history of madness, mayhem, and 3-ring binders.) “We might be paying for this for a very long time,” warns Nicole’s stepmom, “but you could be paying for it even longer.” Whoa. Two points to stepmom for the truth bomb, yo!

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In Louisville, KY, 48-year old David tells his depressing tale of woe. Ugggghhhh. In a nutshell, he was 350 pounds, divorced, lost his house, and had a stroke. Since then, he lost the weight, had a mid-life crisis, moved to Thailand, and found a child bride woman to help him recapture his lost youth. Annie, 24-year old Thai native, said yes to David’s proposal within weeks of knowing him. She comes from a very poor village and was looking for a new life in Bangkok, thus David, who Annie literally refers to as “the old foreigner” (LOLOLOLOL!!!) fits the bill.

“He not perfect, he not handsome,” says Annie, “but his heart is very big.” Also, he is not a serial killer (yet), so – she’s in! Annie loves David 90% too. Not 100%, mind you, but close enough. She’s hoping to live the American dream by flying to the U.S. with her knight in wrinkled khakis, but as David says, “Uh, she hasn’t seen Kentucky yet.”

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Now, they’re planning to move back to the America together to get married under the K-1 Visa process. David’s three children and five grandchildren will be thrilled, no doubt, to meet their new stepmom. Who was born in 1993. But before the couple leaves Thailand, Annie’s family requires a dowry. David’s financial situation isn’t up to snuff, though, because he’s fretting about paying $1,500 to Annie’s family for her hand. (This is less than the price of a new furnace in the U.S., just as an FYI to Annie’s family!) This does not bode well for getting their permission. The old foreigner better start a GoFundMe for this sh*t, ASAP.

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Back in Tampa, Elizabeth’s family meets at a restaurant for dinner, and to hear her plan to visit Andrei. But Elizabeth doesn’t want to talk about it! Um, even though TLC cameras are literally here for this explicit reason?!? Her family ignores Elizabeth’s request, diving into the topic anyway. Elizabeth’s sister supports her, but her brother is all, OH HELL NO! He thinks she’s naive, and that she knows it might not work out in the end anyway.

Elizabeth’s dad is concerned about the life-long commitment of marriage being on the table, considering his daughter has only known this guy for a brief time. Andrei has also reached out to Elizabeth’s dad to talk, but has been ignored thus far. The family’s stiff-arming of him is only driving the two lovers closer together, but they obviously don’t realize this.

In Thailand, David and Annie are meeting his friends, Chris and Nikki, who are here to keep it real. Chris dances around the issue, but Nikki serves it up straight: David has been trying to entrap a young girl into marriage ever since he landed on Thai soil. In fact, Annie is the THIRD girl he’s tried to woo, but the first to say yes. Oh. Em. Gee. Thank you, Nikki, for your service. You are hereby designated the winner of this episode, if not the entire season. #TeamNikki

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At lunch, David fills his friends in on the dowry situation, which makes Annie uncomfortable. It also makes Nikki feel uneasy, since she knows just how much money Chris has given David over the years (and it sounds like too much). She predicts he’ll be asking Chris for more in 3…2…1…

In FL, Nicole is packing for her 2-month trip to Morocco. This time, she’s taking May with her. In a disturbing twist, she’s also teaching May to call Azan “daddy,” which is wrong on every level – and I don’t care if that makes me sound judgy! Not okay, nope. Before they leave, Nicole meets with her mom, dad, their spouses, and her brother for one final dinner. When mama finds out that Nicole’s dad is sponsoring Azan, she wears a look that reads I will kill that man in his sleep. But instead, she just says, “Really?” She cannot believe her ex-husband folded so easily.

She also calls a spade a spade, accusing Nicole of “holding the family hostage” by threatening to take May away. Yup, exactly. Nicole just whines that no one understaaaaaaaands! She wants everyone’s blind support, but doesn’t want to answer their rational questions. Even her younger brother, who wryly notes that “Nicole isn’t the most observant person,” suspects his sister is making another disastrous mistake. No one wants her to take a 2-year old to another country because, let’s face it, Nicole can barely take care of herself at home – even with these five people desperately trying to help her.

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We end with Molly getting her makeup done by her eldest daughter, Olivia, who is not excited about Luis coming to visit soon. She doesn’t want her mom to marry some stranger who’s popping up out of nowhere. “I don’t think it’s acceptable,” says Olivia, who thinks her mom has already chosen a man over her children. Apparently, Molly went to the DR instead of taking Olivia to New York in the past, thereby showing her children what her skewed priorities are.

But Molly just stupidly chirps that it will all be great! And Luis thinks she’s beautiful, so isn’t that wonderful?!? Oh my god. This chick is more concerned with Luis thinking she’s pretty than her daughter feeling rejected, which is straight up pathetic. “I just wish that this wasn’t happening,” Olivia tells the cameras, in tears. Poor Olivia! Poor May! These children are the real victims of their parents’ delusional immaturity, which for the folks of 90 Day Fiance, knows no bounds.

TELL US: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE NEW COUPLES SO FAR? SHOULD NICOLE’S DAD SPONSOR AZAN? 

Photo Credit: TLC

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