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Dance Moms 5

It’s Dance Moms time again, y’all! I apologize for missing last week, but Irma left me without power…a small inconvenience given the magnitude of her damage, and our thoughts and prayers continue to go out to everyone affected by this recent rash of horrific storms. Abby Lee Miller is back (oh yea), the Ianas moms are still incredibly annoying (a feat given the company they keep), and Ashlee has a decision so big that it warranted a two-parter. It’s apparent I didn’t miss much in the hiatus, save for the grand dame’s return!

Chloe is leading her group number, and Christi wants to make sure she arrives early in hopes of allowing her daughter to avoid the ALDC. Little does she know, her friends won’t be competing because Abby has chosen the minis over her veterans. The mini moms are salivating to be in Abby’s spotlight. They remind Abby that she has been abandoned by her disloyal older group, and now she has a new group of bright young talent to mold. As the mothers talk over each other in hopes of garnering Abby’s attention, she barks that the minis just need to hope they make it through this week. Abby can’t focus on a future with these mothers and their girls until she runs through their solos. She screams corrections at the dancers and then calls Kate Gosselin 2.0 Hair over to dispose of her lunch trash. She happily obliges hoping Abby won’t notice her sick daughter isn’t dancing up to par.

Dance Moms ALDC

If you thought Yolanda unleashed some serious crazy on last week’s episode of Dance Momsshe must have been contagious (haha!). Just when I thought we’d found an even keeled replacement for the unhinged Abby Lee Miller things started going south rather quickly!

The moms are beginning to doubt Laurieann Gibson’s magic touch. She doesn’t have the formula for winning like Abby has. Laurieann blames the lack of girls’ stamina, but the mothers are buying it. Ashlee is starting to regret her choice to invite Laurieann to the studio. In Laurieann’s A-list, the minis are on the bottom, or D-list. Yolanda tries to put in her two cents, but she’s quickly shut down. Kendall and Nia are on the C-list for not working hard enough or dancing up to their potential…and Maesie joins them for not dancing at all. Kalani and Camryn comprise the B-list with Brynn on the top.

Dance Moms Recap - All Choked Up

Last night’s Dance Moms introduced us to a force of crazy the likes of which the ALDC has never seen. Who knew there would be a mother who could make Abby Lee Miller appear sane? Y’all know who I’m talking about, right? Yo-yolanda was in rare form on the latest episode, and that’s saying a lot given her peers. It’s very difficult to out-crazy crazy with these women!

Poor Laurieann Gibson. She’s really got her work cut out for her! After last week’s fourth place finish and dueling mothers, she is finally getting her feet wet. Laurieanne assembles the group for her version of Abby’s pyramid, which she has revamped as the A-list. Brynn is on the bottom with Kendall, but Laurieanne builds them up with positive reinforcement.  Camryn, Maesie “the black sheep”, and Kalani make up the middle of the A, with the minis on the next tier. Nia Frazier tops the A-list, and man, I just adore her. She’s so humble.

7DM fight Dance Moms

As last night’s Dance Moms begins, Abby Lee Miller is no where to be seen. She’s two days away from her sentencing, and traipsing around Europe. Is it my birthday? It’s the greatest gift, for sure.  Ashlee is is thrilled to bring in Laureanne Gibson, a choreographer and life-changer for stars like Lady Gaga, Beyonce, the Jonas Brothers, and Demi Lavato. Google her, y’all. She’s so tickled to get to work with young dancers and take a break from P. Diddy (Puff Daddy?) and Katy Perry to get the ALDC off their cuckoo for cocoa puffs hamster wheel. Laurieanne has won Emmys and MTV awards, she is ready to break down the monotony of the dance competition world. As she spouts off her resume and accolades and star proteges, Kira interrupts to remind her that this group is on a time frame. Laurieanne questions whether Abby has held back any of the dancers, and hands go up all over the room.

Nia tears up remembering how hard Abby was on her when she embarked on her music career. But guess what? Laurieanne is faster, stronger, better. She’s time, people. Like, literally, she said she’s not worried about time because she IS time. While I’m wrapping my head around this admission, I realize I’m just thrilled to be without the pyramid. When she dismisses the mothers, I’m like, Boom. She’s cray, but I love it.

7Dance Moms ALDC

Last night’s Dance Moms was a veritable mess which comes as no surprise to those of us who have been watching this train wreck since its inception. However, normally I cringe at the ladies’ behavior, but that isn’t what I was doing with the latest episode. No, instead, I was in awe of Abby Lee Miller‘s boy toy, Jordy. He is a rapper. He is a vegan. Ladies and gentlemen, we received the greatest gift courtesy of Abby Lee…the earth’s first (and dare I say, only) vegan rapper. The world is a beautiful place (well, except for diary farms and meat packing). I’d been avoiding that new Netflix documentary because I love stuffing my face with junk far too much, but Jordy may have converted me.

As the show begins, we learn Abby is a week away from sentencing, and she’s spending that time touring Europe for some appearances and not at their upcoming competition. She calls the team together a day early for rehearsals so she can have some time with them before she leaves. Could this be Abby’s last pyramid? Fingers crossed! Abby breezes through the once drawn out tradition. Some girl Camryn, Nia, Kendall, and Brynn make up the bottom row, followed by Lilliana, Elliana, and an absent Kalani. Some girl Maesi is at the top of her pyramid, and hats off to her mother for rocking that amazing hairstyle. Or perhaps, should I say, hats on? In one of Abby’s beloved twists, she yanks the promised solos to the Ianas and gives them to Kalani, Brynn, and Kendall. The veteran moms are convinced this is a calculated move to make their girls’ last routine under Abby’s teaching a flop. They believe it will give Abby the opportunity to give up on the older dancers and focus on the minis…in the event she doesn’t go to jail.

Dance Moms Group 2

Well, I guess it was too much to ask to have last night’s Dance Moms be free of Abby Lee Miller, but I guess Lifetime wants to capitalize on her demise as much as possible. Me? I certainly could have done without crazy haired Abby slothing around in dirty socks, but I’m not Phil Collins, so… Also, can we discuss how exhausted poor Gianna looks? Bless her heart for having to put up with this insanity around the clock! The episode begins with Abby shutting down the producers from discussing her future after having just learned that her sentencing date has been rescheduled.

Jill finds the pyramid to be very awkward as she and the other moms had planned on Abby already being in the slammer by now. Abby shares that she has a big announcement, and everyone is on pins and needles to hear about her fate. But alas, Abby is just offering extra dance classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Holly is perplexed. Shouldn’t they be discussing the future of the team in the wake of her impending prison time. Abby manages to dodge any vague questions and begins the pyramid. Luckily I don’t have to pay much attention because Jill’s talking head drones over Abby’s photo pulls, but congratulations to Kalani for taking the top spot!

SOUTHERN CHARM --

I’m not going to lie…I’m still kicking myself for not going to the Southern Charm Reunion viewing party hosted by Gentry bourbon last night, but alas my day job got in the way. At Gentry’s finale party, Shep and Craig were there to watch with fans, and there was even a guest appearance by Dale Earnhardt, Jr. What? I am a closet NASCAR fan. Only in the south, y’all! Of course, it may have been harder to watch with the cast before snarking on their ridiculous behavior, so perhaps it was for the best!

As last night’s conclusion begins, Kathryn Dennis is still on the rampage regarding perceived indiscretions between Thomas Ravenel and Jennifer Snowden, and T-Rav is at the point of exploding. Kathryn then defends herself against the negative viewer reactions to her lunch with Jennifer while she sat like an ice queen glaring as Jennifer cried over her son’s health issues. Kathryn flips the switch and blames her assumption that Jennifer was using her tears to manipulate future editing of the scene. Jennifer is appalled that anyone would think she’d use her son for personal gain with plans, and it’s Kathryn’s turn to switch on the waterworks. Craig Conover reminds her that in rehab she probably learned she pushes people away as a defense mechanism. Yes, that’s right. Kathryn was in rehab. She’s on a journey. It’s about forgiveness talking about learning to do difficult things and realizing what battles are worth fighting. In case you’re wondering, grudges about handkerchiefs fall in the latter category.

SOUTHERN CHARM --

The Southern Charm reunions have certainly come a long way from those initial clubhouse sessions, but do we ever get to hear exactly what we’re hoping to hear? It’s usually just one giant tease, but at least we got our fair share of veiled threats and backhanded accusations on last night’s first installment with less screaming, for once. Andy Cohen begins by congratulating Craig Conover on passing the bar. He compliments the fierceness of Kathryn Dennis hair (RIP bump-its and bad extensions, thank goodness) while refraining from comment on her busted Scarlett O’Hara knock-off. Andy is happy to learn that Shep Rose has escaped the lingering enzyme, Thomas Ravenel loves being Mr. Mom (when he makes it out to the guest house), and Cameran Eubanks is glowing with a baby girl due in November. Mentioning Cam could name her daughter Landon, Andy basically skips over Landon Clements before announcing newbie Austen Kroll (Shep 2.0) has a nice ass. It’s not a lie!

The evening begins with some jovial Craig bashing as Shep teases him about being a jealous, lying wannabe mediator with no game whatsoever (so I’m paraphrasing). Craig cites quality over quantity when it comes to past hook-ups after Shep jokes that Craig sleeps in the bed with girls without even trying anything. Craig correctly reminds Shep that being respectful is far better than Shep’s nightly kiss-and-tells. Focusing more on the embroidery king, the jabs at Craig’s domesticity abound save for Cameran gushing about the onesie he created. Craig is a hobbyist, and he sits quietly as his friends tease him about going into gardening law. Shep jokes that Craig’s long-winded responses would make him a fortune as an attorney who is paid by the hour.