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SOUTHERN CHARM --

I’m not going to lie…I’m still kicking myself for not going to the Southern Charm Reunion viewing party hosted by Gentry bourbon last night, but alas my day job got in the way. At Gentry’s finale party, Shep and Craig were there to watch with fans, and there was even a guest appearance by Dale Earnhardt, Jr. What? I am a closet NASCAR fan. Only in the south, y’all! Of course, it may have been harder to watch with the cast before snarking on their ridiculous behavior, so perhaps it was for the best!

As last night’s conclusion begins, Kathryn Dennis is still on the rampage regarding perceived indiscretions between Thomas Ravenel and Jennifer Snowden, and T-Rav is at the point of exploding. Kathryn then defends herself against the negative viewer reactions to her lunch with Jennifer while she sat like an ice queen glaring as Jennifer cried over her son’s health issues. Kathryn flips the switch and blames her assumption that Jennifer was using her tears to manipulate future editing of the scene. Jennifer is appalled that anyone would think she’d use her son for personal gain with plans, and it’s Kathryn’s turn to switch on the waterworks. Craig Conover reminds her that in rehab she probably learned she pushes people away as a defense mechanism. Yes, that’s right. Kathryn was in rehab. She’s on a journey. It’s about forgiveness talking about learning to do difficult things and realizing what battles are worth fighting. In case you’re wondering, grudges about handkerchiefs fall in the latter category.

SOUTHERN CHARM --

The Southern Charm reunions have certainly come a long way from those initial clubhouse sessions, but do we ever get to hear exactly what we’re hoping to hear? It’s usually just one giant tease, but at least we got our fair share of veiled threats and backhanded accusations on last night’s first installment with less screaming, for once. Andy Cohen begins by congratulating Craig Conover on passing the bar. He compliments the fierceness of Kathryn Dennis hair (RIP bump-its and bad extensions, thank goodness) while refraining from comment on her busted Scarlett O’Hara knock-off. Andy is happy to learn that Shep Rose has escaped the lingering enzyme, Thomas Ravenel loves being Mr. Mom (when he makes it out to the guest house), and Cameran Eubanks is glowing with a baby girl due in November. Mentioning Cam could name her daughter Landon, Andy basically skips over Landon Clements before announcing newbie Austen Kroll (Shep 2.0) has a nice ass. It’s not a lie!

The evening begins with some jovial Craig bashing as Shep teases him about being a jealous, lying wannabe mediator with no game whatsoever (so I’m paraphrasing). Craig cites quality over quantity when it comes to past hook-ups after Shep jokes that Craig sleeps in the bed with girls without even trying anything. Craig correctly reminds Shep that being respectful is far better than Shep’s nightly kiss-and-tells. Focusing more on the embroidery king, the jabs at Craig’s domesticity abound save for Cameran gushing about the onesie he created. Craig is a hobbyist, and he sits quietly as his friends tease him about going into gardening law. Shep jokes that Craig’s long-winded responses would make him a fortune as an attorney who is paid by the hour.

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The first season of Southern Charm Savannah came to a conclusion last night, and I’m a more than a bit perplexed. There was a charity ball with zero attendance, but clearly the guest list was minimal at best if ten folks on a boat caused the colossal no-show. Additionally, there was a botched proposal, and if it was sincere, it was pretty sad. Other than that, we’ve made it through this not well thought out spin-off, and for that, we all deserve a mint julep (or a hurricane on River Street! OR BOTH!!).

Catherine Cooper heads to mentor Brandon’s house for champagne and cheese. It’s not going to take a lot of Brie for Brandon to chastise Catherine for not being committed to interior design. She admits to having a big fear of failure, and she has been coasting through life. Catherine is at a crossroads, and she doesn’t want to keep wasting her potential…whatever it is. Brandon jokes that maybe she just needs to settle into domestic bliss with Lyle McKenzie and their future brood, but that isn’t what Catherine has in mind. She tentatively believes she may be ready for the next step, but she looks like she may vomit as she says it.

thomas-kathryn-hug

We’ve arrived! The season finale of Southern Charm was last night, and it didn’t disappoint, but I guess that’s what happens in Bizarro World. The episode begins with the crew continuing their trip in Key West to celebrate Cameran Eubanks‘ birthday. The girls and boys have separated to enjoy a spa day and jet skiing excursion, respectively. Craig Conover hopes to make peace with girlfriend Naomie Olindo, but she’s heading out of town early with Jennifer Snowden, citing his disrespectful behavior at the dinner that seemingly brought archenemies Kathryn Dennis and Landon Clements a wee bit closer. After reconciling his friendship with Shep Rose, Austen Kroll and Chelsea Meissner are working on their undefined relationship by para-sailing.

southern-charm-savannah

Southern Charm Savannah, oh how you’ve tried. We’ve almost wrapped the first season with this spin-off, and it wasn’t as well received as I would have anticipated. Don’t get me wrong, I like the crew as a whole, but there’s just not that much to watch. If Ashley Borders wasn’t creating stories in her head, playing the victim, and managing to strip at any given time, we’d just be watching a group of wealthy thirty-somethings with a penchant for partying. Been there, seen that.

Last night’s episode begins with a trip to St. Simons Island. Jealous! Much to Hannah Pearson’s dismay, Louis Oswald is planning the ultimate tailgate at Hannah’s father’s house in St. Simons for the Florida/Georgia game. Being the most clueless boyfriend on the planet, he’s included Ashley on the guest list. Ashley is driving Nelson to the South’s biggest cocktail party while complaining that Hannah has a dress company and didn’t think to consult her about it. The nerve! Hannah feels awkward arriving at her family’s beach house. Since her dad married a woman close to her age, it doesn’t have the same memories as it does now. However, Louis has promised to be the host with the most alongside his potential future father-in-law. So he forgot the oysters–big deal. Louis wonders why this party has to be some reception-grade event on Hannah’s radar. What’s wrong with Natty Lite and some Fritos? When game time rolls around, there are still streamers to be hung and tables to be assembled. Both tasks fall on Hannah and her dad. As Hannah nags Louis about his duties, he is confused as to what is wrong. Napkins taken out of plastic wrap? He’s got it. Ice in coolers? Check. What’s so hard? As Hannah micro-manages Louis, her step-sister-mother and father joke about his demise.

Southern Charm recap

Last night’s Southern Charm was extra large and super charged. That’s the motto of Key West, right? It’s a mythical place where feuds are mended, insincere apologies abound, marlin shirts are couture, and dolphins swarm the shore line. Go ahead and plan your vacay–it’s a charming place, indeed!

As the episode begins, Mr. Belvedere Michael is washing Patricia Altshcul’s Bentley,Cameran Eubanks is foregoing a breakfast cocktail, and Craig Conover is teaming up with Gizmo to embroider some baby clothes for Cameran’s psychic predicted baby. Shepard Rose surprises Chelsea at her house, and she doesn’t seem nervous to see him, even after her rendition of events at the Commodore Club to Austen Kroll. She tells him not to judge her as she lounges around eating peanut butter right out of the jar. Shep wants to apologize if Chelsea thought he was trying to be inappropriate with her. Truth be told, he may have had a few of the feels for Chelsea, but he retreated before they could explore a potential relationship.

Tom and Luann D'Agostino wedding party

I don’t know about y’all, but the Countess has taught me everything I know about social graces. No, money really can’t buy you class. If she hadn’t shared that kernel of wisdom, I certainly wouldn’t have learned it from the bevy of reality stars that clog up my Bravo programming. Also, don’t be all uncool. Who wants to be uncool in the eyes of Luann de Lesseps D’Agostino? Not this girl, that’s for sure!

As you know, the Real Housewives of New York star tied the knot to her controversial beau Tom D’Agostino on the latest episode, proving, yet again, that money doesn’t buy class, but it can cause a middle aged woman to turn a blind eye to said new husband’s blatant shenanigans by going through with a very elegant wedding ceremony. And, might I add, what we know about elegance is thanks to Luann. It’s learned, my friend. Now, I’m going to pour out some of my Ramona Singer pinot for the Countess, as she is no longer, but what a great ride it was.

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On last night’s episode of Southern Charm Savannah, the crew is cleaning up the wreckage from Hurricane Matthew. While they can’t decide what was more devastating–the storm or that dinner party–Happy McCullough and Catherine Cooper are driving around assessing the damage. Happy admits that she was sickened by Nelson Lewis’ defense of his racist comments at the pre-Matthew dinner party, and Catherine is understanding…while giving Nelson Lewis the benefit of the doubt for just being an idiot.

Hannah Pearson‘s three sisters (one of whom is a Maggie Gyllenhaal clone) arrive from Atlanta and Denver for Louis‘ birthday celebration, and they dish on their parents’ divorce and their father’s subsequent random relationships. The split has been hard on the family, but it’s even more taxing now that their father has tasked his girls with bridging a friendship gap between him and their mother. Given the list of his recent dalliances and a description of their evening wear, I’m guessing that bridge is going to be