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Sister Wives Recap:

You know you’ve been waiting with baited breath for this Sister Wives wedding…even if it did happen over a year ago. Timely or not, Kody’s Brown’s hair, Christine’s crazy eyes, and Robyn’s whining did not disappoint. Even Meri smiled a few times! It’s a wedding miracle! Oh, and Janelle was there too, watching as Mykelti and Tony sealed their vows with a freezing kiss. I’m just glad their lips didn’t get stuck together a la that kid and the flag pole in A Christmas Story. Let’s dive on into this mess, shall we?

The Brown family only has an hour to set up for the wedding of the century. Mykelti has all hands on deck (and then some), and Kody is quick to point out that Tony didn’t have to do the 7 am wake-up call. Christine is rocking a Don’t Mess With The MOB (mother-of-the-bride) t-shirt, and it. is. everything. As the seldom seen Brown teens hang decorations, Taunya and the rest of the crew at Bloomington Country Club is second guessing its free publicity.

Kandi Burruss

This week’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta featured a lavish party honoring Kandi Burruss’ Essence magazine cover, but it was Cynthia Bailey’s new beau who got the most screen time. To be honest, don’t we all think that’s his goal? Fifty Cynt deserves the best, so this guy Will Jones had better be on the up and up. People don’t get as riled up as he did over a minor rumor or simple misunderstanding. He clearly got caught in a lie. Perhaps he didn’t want to go into the gory details with Cynthia if the relationship with this other chick ended badly. Maybe he didn’t think it was as serious as it appeared to newbie Eva Marcille. In any event, his reaction would have me more concerned about whether he’s boyfriend material as opposed to whether he may have been seeing someone when he first met Cynthia. Am I right?

But, I digress (shocking, I know!). This post isn’t about Will Jones. It’s about the most underrated RHOA character and his amazing ability to throw shade. Don Juan was on point with dig at Porsha Williams. She needs to quit pretending like she had no involvement in those horrific allegations against Kandi and give the woman some space. She is forcing the issue, and it is only making things more awkward. Thankfully, it’s Don Juan to the rescue!

RHOBH’s Teddi Arroyave Praises Dorit Kemsley’s Party; Knows A Wine Glass From A Flute…But Just Doesn’t Care!

Everyone and everything on this season’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is getting on my last nerve except for Kyle Richards…which has me wondering if I’m suffering from some horrible disorder. When ol’ Splits McGee is the lady I’m vying to befriend, you know it’s bad! I’m enjoying Erika Girardi and am glad to see she’s burying the hatchet with Dorit Kemsley. However, Dorit (and her accent) is condescending and painful, so there’s that. The verdict is still out as to my opinion on Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave, but Dorit’s treatment of this woman at every turn has me at least sympathetic. Also, am I the only one who loves Vanderpump Rules Lisa but is indifferent towards RHOBH Lisa V? What is my problem this season? Do I need Bravo to bring back Taylor Armstrong?

Maybe it’s simply the lack of genuine drama that is disappointing. Are we still talking about late-gate and shaming bartenders over wine glasses champagne flutes? If your biggest worry is whether your driver will be able to navigate rush hour traffic to make it to the helipad so you can surprise your husband with a chopper ride and floating casino for his fiftieth birthday, there likely isn’t much to scream about. At least Teddi seems to have the ability to take the pettiness with a grain of salt…at the moment.

Sister Wives Recap:

Surely these Sister Wives paychecks cannot be enough to justify Meri Brown to stick around and mooch money out of her family to purchase a second home for her mother. She just needs to put her house on the market, file for divorce (oh, wait, done!), and move with her mom to BFE Utah to buy her family’s former homestead. Clearly, her bed and breakfast plans were extremely short lived. And what about Christine’s mom? Unlike Meri’s mom, Christine’s mother was willing to run the house in question as a bed and breakfast. Meri is over the moon that her mom wants to move into the home, and, even better, Meri doesn’t have to learn how to run a business of which she has zero knowledge. It’s a win/win…for Meri. This is a wet bar scenario on a much larger scale!

Once again, Meri summons Kody and the wives to her corner of the cul-de-sac, and once again, Robyn, Janelle, and Christine are unsure as to what to expect. Meri announces that her mother wants to move into the house, and Christine is thrilled. Her mom and Meri’s mom could run the bed and breakfast together. Meri then shares that her mom wants to move in and not run the business. Wait, what? Janelle is confused. Meri expects the family to chip in on the house and not make any profit off of it? Yeah, that makes Meri a tad nervous. It’s an expensive undertaking not to make any money. You think?

Abby Lee Miller

It would be a fair assessment to say that Abby Lee Miller has had a rough few years (not that I’m giving her a pass for her horrific behavior over the last decade!), but hopefully things are looking up for the Dance Moms star. We watched as she had some major meltdowns on the show (to be fair, the “ladies” she was dealing with were also the worst!), and her latest residence was less ALDC and more Orange is the New Black.

Thankfully for Abby, her time in the clink is drawing to a close. She will be released to a halfway house on February 20 after receiving a reduction in her sentence due to good behavior. Not surprisingly, the controversial reality star has some big plans for her post-prison life, including a tell-all book, some plastic surgery, and hopefully (her hope, not mine) another show on television. Lifetime, are you listening?

Sister Wives Recap:

Y’all, help a sister out…please tell me why TLC insists on dragging out Sister Wives into two hour episodes? The same content could easily be edited down to an hour without scrapping any valuable lip sync footage. There has to be another plural family that wants to risk persecution by having their own show that can air during the second hour. Or, better yet, bring back the TLC flagship What Not to Wear! Alas, it’s not that I don’t love the extra time with the Janelle, Meri, Robyn, Christine (especially Christine!), and crew, but Kody Brown’s hair is such a treasure, it needs to be shared sparingly with the public.

Last night’s episode begins with Maddie and Caleb in town to celebrate her 21st birthday, but she can’t drink because she’s pregnant with the first Brown grandchild. While Janelle and Kody are privy to this information, the young couple has yet to share the news with the rest of the family. Kody resembles a cartoon villain when he’s tasked with keeping such a big secret. The family comes together to toast Madison’s milestone. Robyn explains that polygamists embrace individual birthdays…probably because being one in twenty-something children makes it easy to get lost in the shuffle the remaining 364 days a year!

Kim Zolciak & Sheree

Kim Zolciak should definitely consider running for office. Her ability to double-talk and twist her own words is unsurpassed in the reality television world, and we all know that is saying A LOT. On second thought, forget I suggested it. She would probably win! Can you imagine? She is better suited for wigs and solo cups full of extra fruity wines.

In addition to rewriting past narratives, Kim has an innate ability to think outside of the box…especially if it’s her box and she’s cackling about Kandi Burruss wanting to lick it. You know, I have a high tolerance for crudeness, but this may even stretch past my threshold! After swearing on her children’s life about Kandi’s one time plans for Kim’s Britney, the Don’t Be Tardy star is clarifying her “joke” and insisting the ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta are to blame for her bad behavior. Don’t ever change, Kim {sarcasm font}.

Kim Zolciak Shows Off Freshly Colored Root

When I think of wigs, I automatically think of Don’t Be Tardy’s Kim Zolciak- Biermann, whose love of faux hair knows no bounds. While wigs are staple (and statement) pieces for all of the ladies on Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kim has been leading the charge since the first season. Of course, her reasons for needing a wig have changed drastically over the years, ranging from serious illness (nope) to a desire to mix up her look a bit (much more accurate). Additionally, when I think of Bravolebrities who are constantly making perplexing and contradictory statements, my brain goes directly to Kim as well (see previous statement).

While we’re on the topic of hair pieces and confusion, Kim has just announced her very own line of wigs. Wait, am I having déjà vu? I could have sworn she already had her own line of wigs. If I’m not mistaken, the development of said line was featured on her show. Right?!? Oh well…who can keep up with Kim?