Oh Kim Kardashian…if I were a licensed psychiatrist, I might diagnose you as a classic one-upper. You've built an empire on which your entire family was riding the coattails until each of your siblings (inevitably) became famous in their own reality right. It's the snowball effect. And we're all dumber because of it.
Kim watched her sister Kourtney give birth to two precious children, and she counseled (cough, cough) sister Khloe who was suffering from infertility while trying to conceive with her husband. Of course, now Kim is pregnant with Kanye West's baby, but she can't stop one-upping her sisters. I'm gonnna let you talk Kourtney, but this baby is the best Kardashian baby of all time. Sorry Mason and Penelope. Y'all are officially old news. Don't even get me started on poor Khloe's efforts to have a child. Geez. I'll let Kim speak for me.
I have to say, last night's episode of Teen Mom 2 was rather positive. We're not used to that, are we? Both Jenelle Evans and Leah Messer found affordable and spacious rental homes which would benefit their kids. Chelsea Houska worked closer towards her GED, although tragedy definitely struck, and it was heartbreaking. Finally, Kailyn Lowry's mom reminds of why Kailyn acts the way she does. That woman is quite an itch-bay!
Jenelle has moved out of Josh's house after a big fight. That certainly didn't take long, did it? She calls her friend Amber to see if she can crash with her to avoid drama with Barbara. Amber has separated from her husband, and she wants a bigger house now that her baby boy is getting bigger. The girls daydream about getting a grown-up house where they can live with their sons, and Jenelle waxes poetic about how the courts will love the stable environment and Barbara will love Amber's positive influence. Yeah.
Kailyn returns from Texas, and she shares the details of the trip with her friend GiGi, adding that she'd love to move there. GiGi wonders how Jo will feel about Kailyn moving Isaac to Texas, and Kailyn meanly quips that he can have his rap career. If he wants to be a rapper, he'd have to go on tour and leave Isaac anyway, right? Sometimes I am overwelmed by Kailyn's maturity…she is wise beyond her years, that one.
It's date night for Leah and Jeremy. She tells him that she spoke to Corey, and, while she wanted him to want to change, she didn't feel any sincerity on Corey's part. Jeremy is relieved, and he hopes Leah will stop letting Corey mess with her head. Um, did he just hear her correctly? I got the impression that had Corey been super serious, she would be back with him in a heartbeat, but since he's not…eh, Jeremy is a warm body. These girls and their need to have any boy in their bed! Meanwhile, Corey is herding the twins while talking to his friend Austin. The girls are so cute to say night-night to Corey and sissy, and "I love you." Corey shares his confusion and frustration over Leah, and he decides it's best to try to move on with his life.
TheBachelor folk are not about to let us forget that Sean Lowe's riveting personality half-naked body looks ah-mazing. While working out and taking a shower, Sean talks about his second chance at love… on this amazing journey… to meet his future wife. The Bachelor needs a new script.
Sean and his bachelorettes go on dates this week! Chris Harrison explains the dating process to the 19 remaining ladies – First Rose Tierra, Wishing Well Desiree, OCD AshLee, Sexy Selma, Back Flips Robyn, Tries Too Hard Brooke, Lipstick Jackie, Kurly Katie, Sweet Sarah, Single Mom Diana, Mean Mugging Catherine, Poker Dealer Leslie, Awkward Pause Amanda, Desperate in D.C. Lesley, Ben Reject Kacie, Model Kristy, Handshake Daniella, Tears Taryn, and Drunk Bride Lindsay – and adds that Sean is the most sincere Bachelorever.
Chris places the first date card on the coffee table, raises his hands in the air, and slowly backs out of the room… BRING ON THE CRAZY!
Kristy grabs the card, hoping to see her name on it, but it goes to Sarah. The date card reads, "Are you ready to fall in love today?" Everyone goes awwww and then wishes they, too, had only one arm. Oh, come on… you know the thought seeped into their catty heads. In all seriousness, I loved Sarah last week, so I'm excited about Sean's choice.
Being Jax Taylor is a difficult thing. Being Jax Taylor means swatting away desperate hoards of single women grasping at you like vampires fighting over a corpse. Being Jax Taylor means everyone wants to get you drunk and force you to attend parties with them. Being Jax Taylor means all the guys idolize you. And being Jax Taylor means you are dating Stassi Schroeder which is a whole separate problem of its own. But at least she's hot and lets you crash at her place for free, right?!
Last night on Vanderpump Rules, Jax learned that if he doesn't want to buy his own TV and get his own place, he better listen to MamaStassi and grow up or sleeping in his car won't be a choice, it will be a lifestyle. Apparently grown ups aren't male models, either. Hasn't Stassi seen Zoolander? #BlueSteel
At 33, Jax is a former big thing in the world of male modeling but as he is no longer quite so young and pretty he's become kind of a small thing. However he doesn't seem bothered by this and seems content to sling drinks at Sur. Jax admits it's impossible to grow up when you're him and suffering from Peter Pan Syndrome. Which doesn't sit well with his ever-patient, ever-loving Swedish Princess Stassi. Poor Jax – I mean it's hard to be dumb as a box of rocks and have a gasoline fight with your fellow male model friends while the camera rolls and the Le Tigre pout schmoozes the lens.
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is brought you by Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors." And it also confirmed two things I've long suspected: 1) Househusbands are like fleas when it comes to the series; unwelcome guests that just annoy the hell out of us and should stay home (I'm looking at you, Mauricio "Maurice" Umansky) and 2) One should never, ever, ever attend a party thrown by SplitsRichards. Lets just all stick to parties at Yolanda Foster's from now on. I mean, Babs might attend!
Things begin with Scheana Marie Famewhore putting on her best "I feel so sad and ashamed" face that she's been practicing in the mirror for weeks in anticipation of her big ol' TV debut. Unfortunately Scheana feels about as bad about squashing Brandi Glanville's marriage as she did squashing the spider she found in her bathroom last week.
Brandi, on the other hand, is still totally not over Douche King Eddie Cibrian and she narrows her eyes looks right at Scheana and hisses that he's probably cheating on ol' crazy noodles LeAnn Rimes right now. Scheana's eyes get wide, she starts to look nervous, and then Brandi – all 35 feet of her – stands up, looks down at her and breezes out. Scheana does a quick vital signs assessment, realizes she's in one piece, and then runs out as fast as her shaky legs can carry her.
Brandi breezes into the Office de Vanderpump for a counseling session and a glass of much needed rosé. I need rosé on tap too. Lisa Vanderpump – hook a girl up!