Jersey Shore Recap: Crabs Are Hee-ya!

Oh, Jersey Shore, I love when you give the viewers a drama-free episode, filled with drunken stupidity, bunny costumes, and Pauly D one-liners. I love it even more when you try to hide a public service announcement about the importance of watercraft safety into said episode. We’re listening, MTV, and we’ll wear life jackets if we’re ever unfortunate enough to find ourselves in a deflating raft with Snooki at the helm. You may have saved lives. #themoreyouknow

The fight that started to transpire at the end of the last episode ends very anticlimactically. The dude who pulled down Jenni’s napkin dress gets kicked out of the club. As Rawn opines, “You either leave Karma or you get kicked out of Karma. And if you mess with Rog’s girl, you’re going to get messed up…because that is Karma.” I am so glad he understands the phrase! Back at the house, all Snooki want to do is “get it in” (I can’t believe I just typed that!), but he’s vomiting. JWoww hauls Roger off to the smush room, but is called away to do her dooty duty. Ronnie hates that Roger never gets to hang out, and he helps Roger escape to the deck while Jenni’s in the ladies’ room.


The Situation is serving the patio peeps chicken salad sandwiches. Jenni isn’t cool with Roger hanging out with her roommates while she sprawls in thigh high boots on the bare mattress in the smush room. Um, bedbugs? Ron can commiserate, but with Sammi right across from him it’s probably not his best move. JWoww drops guido gym apparatus on him from above, and he know he needs to call it a night. Elsewhere in the house, Snooki is upset that Jionni passed out in her twin bed. Sounds like the ladies have some serious sex problems tonight.

The next morning, Deena and Sam are brainstorming some different ways they could spend their day. Fishing and crabbing at the dock, it is! Pauly jokes he already caught crabs…at Karma. Hilar. The boys are determined to catch their Sunday dinner. Jenni, wearing lace yoga pants, catches some crabs (of the crustacean, not STD variety), but lets some saunter back into the ocean. Pauly appropriately yells, “Crabs are hee-ya!” Mike can’t fish so he decides to lay out on the dock. Because he is an idiot, and because his friends like to mess with him at every turn, they throw a forlorn crab on the guy.

The meatballs decide to take a boat out on the water. And by boat, they mean tiny inflatable raft. It’s so windy that the girls end up being blown under the dock. Rawn does the gentlemanly thing and lets the air out of the “boat.” SHARK! Oops! SHARP! Stop panicking Deena! They are just trying to make you aware of sharp objects everywhere. The meatballs were dumped waste high in water, and poor Deena loses an eyelash in the Atlantic.

Back from the dock, Rawn clogs the toilet. Because that is good television. The next day, Deena, Pauly, and Vinny head to work at the Shore Store. Danny reveals that Pauly’s stalker, Vanessa was recently in the store. Pauly was terrified of the girl who stares at him from afar, in an airbrushed Pauly D trucker cap. Thankfully, he can’t focus on his fear now, because the store is slammed. Who ordered the front and back DTF black beefy T? A poor woman asks what DTF means…down to fish, clearly!

Mike is meddling yet again…he is interrogating Snooki on the status of her relationship with Jionni. Mike seems shocked to learn that Snooki is contemplating wedding bells. The Situation threatens to run into their ceremony during the “does anyone object?” portion of the vows. Snooki recognizes that she and Jionni have a very dysfunctional situation, but it’s not really a situation that is any of the Situation’s business.

Snooki and Mike are playing ladder golf in the den while making every “ball” joke under the sun. They decide to bet on the game…loser must wear the full-on Lola bunny suit out to Karma for fifteen minutes. Even though Nicole is wearing her tank top pulled down around a bright red bra in an effort to distract her competitor, Mike wins. The gang and a frightening Lola head to the clerb. JWoww and Lola break it down on the dance floor. Even Mike is enjoying his time, as he three-way kisses a girl who proclaims to be DTF. He fancies himself a hunter and gatherer who find slutty girls for himself and his roommates. MVP in full effect.

Snooki, Deena, and Lola’s head jump the fence to get to beach. I had to avert my eyes when Deena got stuck on her way to the other side. The girls are floundering in the ocean when the police arrive. I have to wonder…if the girls had been prosecuted for trespassing on the beach, would the camera crew also be in trouble? The cops are kind enough to issue only a verbal warning, which makes Deena start to excessively hit on one of them. Gah! Back at the house, Mike not only hunts and gathers, he also call cabs. He is the hero of Vinny and Pauly, whose girls leave in the night, leaving them some time to catch some shut-eye.

Rawn and Snooks head to the bar. They are extremely hung over from the previous night, so they are hoping that the hair of the dog will be their saving grace. Because she loves Ronnie like a brother, Nicole buys him a minibike he’s been eyeing. Rawn is floored, as he never considered Snooki to be that nice. Rawn pushes her down the boardwalk. Neither want to turn it on for fear she’ll get a DUI. In the mini-scene, the gang reminisces about the many fires they have started attempting to cook. Ironically enough (or thanks to producers) a napkin ignites in a candle flame. How funny! Sure…

Mike, Jenni, and Pauly head to work the night shift. Right off the bat, JWoww spies Pauly’s stalker watching him from afar on the boardwalk. Pauly’s fear is that she will kidnap him, lock her in a basement and make him DJ for her until she kills him. Jenni approaches Vanessa, aka said stalker, who starts a casual conversation rooted in her creepy ways. Vanessa doesn’t think she has made anything awkward, she has a boyfriend. Yeah, and his name is Pauly D. As Pauly points out, the “D” could soon stand for “dead.”

A drunk Snooki talks to Jionni on the phone about how horny she is. I am sure his mother is so excited that her son scored such a ladylike gem. Vinny isn’t the biggest Jionni fan. He loves Nicole for who she is, and he doesn’t understand why Jionni is always trying to change her. Because they used to hook up, the pair has a bond, but because they are besties who used to hook up, the bond is even stronger. Just add alcohol. Snooki drags Vin into another bar. I have never noticed how many camera flashes that follow them when they walk the boardwalk. A sober Vinny tries to reason with a wasted Nicole. He compares them to the Ross and Rachel of the Jersey Shore. Best (and oddest) comparison ever!

Next week, Snooks and Vin continue flirting, JWoww thinks Joey isn’t right for Deena, and the guidos go camping. Yes, camping. Vinny undertakes the ultimate challenge: trying to convert lesbians, while the Situation and the Unicycle are finally able to try out their diabolical plan to expose Snooki as a liar. Vinny may agree. The Snooks doth protest too much.