Jersey Shore Recap: EPTs for GTLs, Or Why Mike’s Diabolical Plan Will Always Be An Epic Fail

Last night’s Jersey Shore was one party short of a baby shower for Snooki. Or, it was just the gang clerbing before Nicole became “with child.” Tough to tell…

Snooki and Vin come back to the house as drunk messes. Deena and Pauly question the duo about sexual tension and hooking up with one another. Nicole and Vinny play it cool while cuddling up on Vin’s twin bed. Sexy. Snooks passes out, while the rest of the gang prepares to go to Jenks. Deena’s boy toy Joey calls the bat phone, and he informs her (and her white clip on extensions) that he’s going to have to bail. She needs to change her outfit to something less DTF. Deena is disappointed in the roommates’ showing. The Rawn/Sammi pair is sleeping, JWoww is in bed…  That leaves Vinny, Pauly, Deena, and sketchy Sitch heading to the club.


At Jenks, Pauly D’s tongue finds it way into the mouth of some chick he finds slightly intriguing. Next, who do they run into? It’s trash bag packer, Angelina! I guess if MTV won’t renew your contract, you should stalk Jersey Shore hangouts to get more air time. At the end of the night, Mike applauds himself on being so good with the ladies. He’s so smooth “he should have a butter named after him.”  Mike pulls the comforter over himself and his newest paramour (what happened to Paula?) to fend off the night vision cameras. Unfortunately, Mike’s girl is only DTS – yes, down to snuggle. He’s not as bad off as Pauly D, who finds out his DTF girl is being visited by Aunt Flo. He sends her and her tampons packing back to the Motel 6.

Down to snuggle is also down to leave early. No worries, as Mike can’t even remember her name. Cabs are here. Mike calls in some breakfast for the crew…chocolate chip bagels and yellow gatorades for everyone! The poor delivery guy waits patiently by the door, as the Situation wakes the roommates hoping to find cash for a tip. As no one has visited the ATM lately, the delivery guy will have to settle for a protein power pack. Same as money, right?

A burping Jenni can’t wait to get some sex toys (a vagina mold is at the top of her list) to celebrate her and Roger’s anniversary. Nothing says I love you like some porn apparatus. After shopping, Jenni and Sammi both want to warn Deena that they think Joey doesn’t have the best of intentions. Deena doesn’t want to hear it…they just need to drop her off at the hair store so she can pick up some fancy new extensions for the night.

Mike, Rawn, and Nicole head to work at the Shore Store. Mike is on fire today with the customers. Snooki is wearing rainbow hair while manning the iron-on station. My imaginary best friends, Pauly and Vin, head to the boardwalk. They lament about the lack of single roommates. Pauly regales Vinny about how JWoww is planning to decorate the smush room for her anniversary celebration with Roger. How romantic.

Ronnie and Sam take full advantage of their break from work. Mike “chills back.” And by chilling back, I mean that he goes into the stock room to call the Millimeter to make sure he’ll be on hand to execute Mike’s devious master plan to expose Snooki for the preggo liar she is. Back at home, Jenni showers before decorating the smush room with rose petals and bondage equipment. Vin and Pauly are taking back the smush room…it’s like an “occupy rally,” only they are unoccupying the STD bedroom. In their minds, the smush room is for singles, not for couples. They decide to take the mattress out of the room to put it on the patio. Pauly D is concerned that he may have gotten pregnant from handling the nasty mattress. This GTL may need an EPT.

Pauly and Vin pretend to sleep while listening to Jenni’s rant about the missing smush bed. Pauly D can’t help but laugh when accused, and Jenni thinks it’s hilarious. She retrieves the mattress from the patio because “supposeably,” it’s easy to carry. Rawn, Pauly, and Vinny go see the smush room, which has been transformed into a rose petal and sex toy-infused retirement home. Roger arrives, with Jenni greeting him at the door in denim panties and a hot pink lycra scarf which barely covers her nipples. Roger, do not pass go. Do not collect your $200. Take her directly to meet your mother.

Vinny is excited to go to Karma. He dresses as Gilligan and Justin Timberlake’s love child…but only the Justin Timberlake circa early 2000s who wore a denim tuxedo to match Brit-Brit Spears‘ denim maxi dress. You all know to what I am referring. Vinny needs to change clothes stat. The gang heads to Karma, and who does Nicole run into but Jionni’s mom and dad! Why, praytell, are his parents at Karma? I guess they are present to be the unwilling audience to the Situation’s dirty master plan.

After hearing some Joey-hate from her roommates, Deena approaches him at the bar and questions him about his intentions. She asks him to come home with her, to which he replies he’ll play it by ear. Joey is on Sammi’s radar…no one messes with her BFF. Meanwhile, Mike tries to convince himself that he’s not throwing Snooki under the bus, he’s just trying to clear his name. He’s not a bad guy, right? RIGHT? When Snooks sees the Inch, she knows trouble will ensue. She introduces the Decibel and Mike to Jionni’s parents. Mike hopes things won’t get messy in light of MTV’s new guest list.

Vinny can’t believe what a grenade magnet Karma is. There are so many ladies who are DTF, but sadly, Pauly D knows they are all about to blow like a giant mine field. Snooki and Jionni go to smoke, and Mike decides it’s now time to put his plan into action. Nicole is hip to his game, and she convinces Jionni to leave. Not to be deterred, Mike invites the Staple to come back to the house to execute Phase Y of the plan that has failed so many times before.

The quick scene during the commercial break is a wet t-shirt contest among the customers at Shore Store. The male employees are armed with water balloons and squirt guns. That was fast!

Snooki and Jionni arrive back at the house. Pauly and Luke Duke Vinny are done with the clerb uglies – you can’t smush every night. They have standards. The guys would much rather go home alone than have sex with a grenade. Deena turns all psycho and continues to ask Joey if he’s only with her for sex. If you have to ask, you know the answer. He won’t reassure her. Instead he gets angry at her clingy nature.

Mike’s diabolical master plan is unraveling at the seams. The Hybrid is beyond wasted. After the Tunic falls into the street, Mike vows to take him home, clean him up, and prepare him for crazy master plan, take 109. Mike fancies himself a “Sitchstrodamus” who can see the future…and in the future, a drunk Vacuum gets arrested for public drunkenness. Curses! Will the plan ever take shape? All Mike wants to do is expose Snooki to Jionni for the cheating wench she is–why is this so difficult? Why, God, why must you put so many obstacles in the way of the Situation’s evil deed? It’s just so not fair.

Poor Sitch is defeated as he tries to find a pal to help spring the Helium from the clink. Rawn knows from experience that he won’t be getting out of the “Seaside Slammer” in the witching hour. Mike should get a good night’s sleep and try to bail him out in the morning. And speaking of the morning, the Situation can’t believe his luck when Jionni comes stumbling into the kitchen for breakfast while Nicole is still tucked away and dreaming about their future baby juicehead. He takes the opportunity to have a little talk with Nicole’s boyfriend.

Next week, we see Snooki throw a basket at Sitch’s head, presumably after his chat with Jionni. Pauly tries to convince Deena that Joey isn’t right for her. The crew goes camping, and Deena thinks Mike is a true hermaphrodite pyromaniac. But hermaphrodite works too, especially since she doesn’t know the meaning of either word.