Dance Moms Chatter Recap: Cosmos, Comics, And Crybabies…


Blah, blah, blah….that's what comes to mind when I hear the title of the latest Dance Moms special Dance Moms Chatter.  Jeff Collins returns to mediate (is he wearing pink pants?  Props!) an hour of filler that promises Kelly and Christi drama, comediennes, and drunk fans (turns out they were one and the same).  Jeff revisits the breakdown in Kelly and Christi's friendship, and Kelly admits that she has a hard time letting people into her life.  Likewise, Christi knows that it's going to take a long time to regain her former bestie's trust.

Two super fans/comediennes join Kelly and Christi on stage.  As the four women share cosmos, Christi wouldn't mesh well with the super fans who hope their kids are never more than mediocre.  They don't want their entire lives to revolve around their children's after-school activities.  Kelly reminds the super fans that their kids would fit right in with her daughters as Abby Lee Miller is constantly reminding her that her girls are average.

I notice that Christi's hair is the same color as Jeff's pants–it's got a pink tint…or is that my television?  We are treated to a montage of all the moms yelling and bickering at some point during the franchise (there is no cohesiveness or chronology in this special), and Christi takes the opportunity to take digs at Kristie 2.0Kelly reveals that it was Asia that dubbed the original Christi as "Fat Christi."  Out of the mouths of babes…


Jeff delves into the revolving door of moms whose children Abby  teaches.  From Jill to Kristie 2.0 to Black Patsy, some lasted longer than others.  As if on cue, Kaya aka "Black Patsy" joins the crew on stage with her cocktail.  Kaya reminds the audience that she got her nickname from her mom who compared her to a black Patsy Ramsey, as in Jon Benet's pageant mom.  The super fans are enamored with Black Patsy, and Kaya dubs her co-stars Crazy Christi and Colozsaphine (did she mean Klonopin?) Kelly.  The super fans try to convince Kelly and Christi that Patsy was intimidated by their tight clique.  Christi is willing to give Patsy another chance when she hears that Patsy is also sick of Abby's antics.

Jeff plays $10 pyramid with the comedienne super fans.  He is asking questions from seasons past while taking every opportunity to poke fun at Abby's pyramid.  Really, Lifetime?  All those made-for-tv movies in your vault, and you decided to air this?  We couldn't even get a The Client List rerun?  When addressing one of the questions regarding Christi's concern of Kaya yanking her weave, Kelly notes that her friend's hair is super bleached.  Does that mean pink?

The women bond over a session of Jill's jewelry and wardrobe.  Even Jeff makes fun of her themed outfits and says he can't take her seriously in her cowboy hat.  Lather, rinse, repeat with Abby's style.  No wonder Abby didn't sign on for this poor excuse for a special.  After a much needed commercial break, there is a highlight reel of the Abby chastises her dancers so harshly that their mothers have meltdowns…ie, the whole premise behind the show.

The moms find it hard to watch, and the super fans agree that Abby goes far overboard when dealing with the mothers and the dancers.  Kelly admits that she's been trying to be on her best behavior this season.  The super fans aren't winning any favor by saying that the women tend to be a bit over dramatic.  Jeff quickly changes the subject to remind the panel (really, what is this?  And why is it an hour?) of the recent competition when Abby had Chloe and Maddie go head-to-head with the same choreography.  Well, at least we get to see some dancing!

Next up is a Dance Moms cry-off…from moms bawling over Abby criticism to injuries to curling iron mishaps to dance dad breakdowns, the reel runs the gamut.  Oh, and lest we forget Abby's tearful good-bye to her pooch.  Funny, the montage is super long, and yet they probably only cover a small percentage of the show's actual tearfests.  I am so glad my girl Holly had the good sense to stay far, far away from this special.  Are these comediennes using this special as their big break?  As for the biggest crybaby of the dancers (are they really talking about this?), the women point at every child but their own.

As the hour long snooze-a-thon draws to a close, Jeff asks what everyone has learned from the show.  Thank God for Black Patsy's honesty.  She says she's learned nothing but how to bicker more from this show.  Kelly waxes poetic about how her daughters have learned that they won't always be winners (which, I do totally agree with), and she's worried to see what happens when the tables turn for Maddie.  Jeff announces that we're out of time, and to that, all I can say is THANK GOODNESS!

Next week, wait what?  Another hour of chatter?  Jeff swaps out a comedian and Abby and Melissa join the show.


[Photo Credit: Lifetime]