Thank God for the highlight reel of last season’s Mob Wives before last night’s premiere! I had totally forgotten just how crazy Renee Graziano is, how much I adore Big Ang, and just how delicious the whole crew is. Bring Karen Gravano (as a blonde!) back into the mix, and we’ve got a legitimate World War III brewing right on VH1!
The reformed Drita D’Avanzo is happily recoupled with the recently released Lee. They are running three businesses, which is better than when Drita just wanted to run to the next fight. I’m glad to see she’s still tight with Ang, who has just renovated a new house. The women are ready for a girls’ night out, and they plan to include Natalie Guercio now that she’s a respectful and reformed Philadelphian. Because of Ang and Drita’s willingness to hang out with Natalie, Renee has turned on her two most loyal friends. They reveal that she’s been talking smack about them all over Staten Island just because they refuse to freeze out her nemesis. Wait, why is Natalie Renee’s most hated rival? Oh, that right, because Natalie once told Renee’s date he smelled delicious.
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Some things never change, and Renee refuses to let down her bravado enough to admit that she may be a bit dramatic when it comes to her disdain for Natalie. Renee states that she no longer speaks to long time bestie Drita, and Ang, who was once like fam-ah-lee to her, is no longer a friend. I’ve never seen Frozen in its entirety (I know, I know, I’m a horrible person), but my advice to Renee is let it go, let it go. Speaking of Renee’s most hated rival, Natalie is dividing her time between Philadelphia and New York, and she has grand plans of taking the funeral home biz to the next level. She’s dressed in a more demure number (for her…for me it would be the sluttiest thing in my wardrobe times fifty) in preparation for Drita’s Albanian party. Natalie can’t wait to hang out with Drita and Ang, but she hopes to steer clear of Renee. She informs us that Alicia diMichele Garofalo is still laying low in anticipation of sentencing.
Drita is happy to get back to her roots at the Albanian Balkan ball, and Ang and Natalie are always happy to drink to dance. The women cheers to a drama free night while gossiping about Renee. Ang is cussing and pointing her scarily long acrylic nails in her friends faces, daring Renee to talk the crap to her face that she’s talking behind her back. Not wanting Drita to feel left out, Natalie informs Drita that Renee spread just as much smack about her…Natalie just didn’t mention until now. Drita is wound up about the comments Natalie shares, including that Renee has called her a rat and made fun of the mid-level crimes that Lee committed. It’s not like he was a respectable murderer or bank robber! Ang warns Natalie that no one likes a rat or a pot stirrer (I’m so glad to see that Ang is still the voice of reason), but Drita is already off the rails. She plans to make Renee suck bleep in front of her on her bleeping knees. Provided I deciphered that correctly, what the hell? An enraged Drita storms off, and Ang reprimands a naive Natalie that she has no clue of the can of worms she’s opened.
Hoping to escape the craziness of Staten Island, Renee travels to Arizona to surprise Karen. Karen is totally shocked to see her friend. I’m sure the VH1 camera crew didn’t tip her off at all. A very blond and svelte(ish) Karen is still dating that guy Storm (was that two seasons ago?), and she’s devoting her time to her daughter. Renee unloads her issues with her friends, and she shares her disappointment that Ang refuses to pick sides. Karen has always had beef with Drita due to Lee, and Karen tells Renee that Natalie threatened to get an Order of Protection against her after a Twitter feud. Renee is not surprised by Natalie’s childish shenanigans, but she becomes incensed when Karen announces that Natalie also called her father a rat. What is it about that word? These ladies take tattling to an entirely different level!
Back in Philly, Natalie is in work mode, which means she’s preparing for a visitation. Eat your heart out, Phaedra Parks! Natalie is introducing boyfriend London to the world of funeral homes as he wants to learn the business. In the casket sales room, Natalie admits that she may have sent Drita into a tailspin over her gossip. London urges his girlfriend to stay out of the women’s craziness. They’ve all known each other “4 eva” (sorry, that will be my only Mark Wahlberg Fear reference), and Natalie is the newbie. He also reminds her that sometimes she takes things out of context. Natalie can’t stay outside the fray when everyone is ganging up on Renee, and I wonder how she landed such a level-headed guy.
Despite all the drama, Ang is focused on her future granddaughter and she hopes this baby will be the push AJ needs to get his life on track. AJ is motivated to work hard and stay sober for the newest addition to his family. If he screws up any more, he is gong to land in jail…like seriously, he has a court date approaching. Across town, Drita is overwhelmed by her multiple business ventures. At her make-up store, she’s bombarded by calls from her bored and hungry family wondering when she’ll be home to cook roast beef for them.
Upon her return from Arizona, Renee decides to take a stroll through her neighborhood sporting a tight gray maxi dress. Um, did she spill a drink in her lap? Is that sweat or is she a walking Depends advertisement? Not a good look. Just typing that I’m fearful for my kneecaps. Renee chats with Karen on the phone, and she reveals that she plans to see the girls at an upcoming annual summer party. She doesn’t want to go, but she’s not NOT going to go just to avoid them. Renee can handle herself, and she can be on her best behavior. Karen supports this decision wholeheartedly, and she hopes that Renee will roll with the punches…literally. When someone punches her, she better roll out with an ass whooping of her own.
Ang and Drita arrive at the party, and both are relieved that they aren’t hanging out with their toxic former friend Renee. Instead, she’s been traded out for Natalie. An angrier than ever Renee (with her boobs hiked up to her ears) arrives with a grand plan to totally ignore her friends while telling everyone within earshot that she is totally ignoring her friends. When Drita spots Renee, she starts chain smoking and pacing like a caged animal. Hasn’t VH1 learned not allow these ladies to have parties on rooftops? Against Ang’s urging not to, Natalie approaches Renee to
see why she isn’t confronting the ladies say hello, and an enraged Renee decides to bounce instead of engaging in an all out brawl. She storms off as Natalie yells obscenities. Yes, Natalie, that makes your “I just went over to be nice” claim totally plausible.
Drita is beyond upset that Renee left without giving her the opportunity for a confrontation. Ang is equally pissed, and Natalie seems to walking the fine line of securing her loyalty to her new friends and realizing just how intense and scary they can be. These are the big leagues, sweetie. It’s not hair pulling and boob tweaking. People lose teeth and leave venues in legit ambulances bleeding from the head…none of this amateur open hand slapping! Not one to allow her haters to control her evening, Renee returns to the party only to be surprised by Karen dressed in a bondage style dress so tight it would make Christian Grey lock up his red room for good and join a monastery. Excited to see her ride or die, Renee recaps the evening, and Karen goes to avenge her friend. Ang’s mouth falls to the ground, while Drita gives her former punching bag a half hug. Totally out of her element, Natalie retreats, and Renee laughs in victory. I guess it’s true that people are much braver with their words when they’re behind a computer screen as opposed to face-to-face. Case in point, this recap. 🙂
TELL US-WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE SEASON FIVE OPENER OF MOB WIVES? IS THIS GOING TO BE THE CRAZIEST INSTALLMENT YET?
[Photo Credit: VH1]