This week’s 90-Day Fiance should be titled: I’m Marrying a Weird Guy. Which is, verbatim, what 19-year old Nikki says when asked about her 58-year old fiance Mark. Should we just end the recap there? It says it all, really. Nah. Let’s go ahead and hop on this crazy train and see where it heads! 

Feeling alone and adrift, Nikki needs to get out of Mark’s 1980s shrine to his first wife house, so she calls the only other person she knows in the US: Mark’s 21-year old daughter, Elise. Being a good sport is what Elise does best, apparently, because she agrees to go shopping with Nikki for some girl time, and some girl talk. They are, after all, the same age. And they both think Dad is possibly a few fruit loops short of a full bowl. After the gals giggle over a tragic macrame dress in a local shop that could pass for beach wedding dress, a clerk asks Nikki if she plans on a beach wedding? Stumped, Nikki plays possum while Elise jumps in: “They’re not quite sure…yet.” The innocent clerk asks Nikki if she’s marrying her best friend? Nikki’s facial expression is like, please b*tch. Followed by the most honest answer we’ve heard from any of these couples yet. “I’m marrying a weird guy,” she deadpans. Three cheers for Nikki! 


The fact that Elise laughs at Nikki’s answer speaks volumes. She is aware of the absurdity of the situation: i.e., that Nikki will be her stepmom if all goes as planned. The girls later sit on a bench to chat about how things are going between Nikki and Mark. Nikki admits they didn’t speak for an entire day, and things have been rocky in general. Elise is disappointed to hear how her dad is acting, noting he should make Nikki feel loved and appreciated since she did fly all the way over here to be with him and his rickety OCD carcass. If Elise were in the same situation, she’d bolt. I like Elise as Nikki’s confidante! Please, girl, talk some sense into Nikki before we see her face on the side of a milk carton! Dayum! 


Fernando has been waiting a year for Carolina’s K1 Visa to be approved, and that day has finally come. It’s the best news he’s ever gotten in his life…but perhaps his mother feels differently? More to come on that later, I presume. Fernando Skypes with Carolina to celebrate, but she seems kind of nonplussed yet happy-ish. She’s nervous. Philandering Fernando can’t hope for better than that now, I guess. He’s well aware he’s got a lot to prove, and now has only 90 days to do it.  


Over in Idaho, Aleksandra and Josh are anticipating their wedding, which is only a week away. Holy smokes! Aleksandra’s parents are flying in for the big day. They still have concerns about their daughter becoming a Mormon and living a life of 6am scripture readings and social shunning. At the airport, Aleksandra is overjoyed to see her mom, who she bear-hugs before greeting her dad. Mom and Dad admit they are still very concerned about Aleksandra entering this new, strange lifestyle. They seem sweet and affectionate, much like Aleksandra. I wonder what they’ll make of suit-and-tie-Dirk and his brood? 


With 47 days to wed, Kyle is trying to make Noon feel more comfortable in New Orleans. Leaving behind the roaches was merely a beginning for this Romeo! (Is Kyle actually an evil genius? He started Noon off in such a vile living scenario, perhaps he thought she’d be pleased with anything that came afterward!? I see you, Kyle…) He managed to find a Thai Buddhist temple in New Orleans that he and Noon tour, hoping to hold their wedding there. The temple is beautiful, but being there makes Noon miss her family – who can’t come to the wedding because of visa issues.

Without her own family there for support, Noon wants Kyle’s family involved somehow. But he’s been estranged from his parents for years. Kyle hasn’t seen his mom in 10 years, nor his dad in 5-6 years. He tells Noon 13-14 years ago, he and his mom were close, then “some things changed with her” and they haven’t talked since. Kyle admits in an interview that his mom has a “problem” – leading the viewer to believe perhaps it’s a substance abuse issue – but he doesn’t like to talk about it openly. This is so tragic. My heart goes out to Kyle, truly. Noon encourages Kyle, telling him Thai families are very tight, no matter what. If she marries him without knowing his parents, it’s just weird. She wants Kyle to at the very least tell his mom he’s getting married. Kyle’s not so sure.


Uh-oh. What’s that smell? It’s something DELICIOUS! Well, at least in Loren’s nostrils. In Florida, Loren and Alexei are debriefing on the Most Awkward Modeling Shoot Ever since my own 1988 Olan Mills family photo in which I sported a hot look that can only be described as “brokedown Farrah Fawcett with a home perm.” Alexei wants Loren to understand that, while he may be simple man candy in her eyes, he’s got deeper ambitions. She still thinks he’s the “perfect model,” he just needs to “want it.” He answers flatly, “but I don’t.”

Loren pushes and pushes, but Alexei is not wavering from his position. He doesn’t want to be pushed into something just because it’s Loren’s world…and he’s just living in it. In a shocking twist, Loren finally agrees that she won’t nag him about it anymore. (Can he get that in writing?) They agree to focus on the wedding instead of shaving Alexei’s chest hair for shoots.

In Miami, Fernando and his parents (who live with him) are prepping for Carolina’s arrival the next day. Fernando’s mom is described as having a “strong personality,” which is code for: Monster In Law. She’s scared she won’t be the HBIC anymore when Carolina hits the scene. Instead of comforting his mom, thereby easing her fears, Fernando brushes her off. Mom doesn’t even know what she’s going to say when she meets Carolina the next day. How about: “Please tell your family I’m sorry in advance about my sketchy son.”


Speaking of sketchy, we return to PA to check up on Melanie and Devar, who have 32 days to wed. After a run, they sit down to chat about – what else? – finances! Because that is sexy. Yes indeed. Melanie has to pay for everything wedding-related and life-related. Except for their rings, which were paid for by Melanie’s parents. Between the wedding and flights back and forth to Jamaica, Melanie’s bank account is dry. So, what does one do when one’s last meager funds are slipping through one’s fingers? Go wedding dress shopping, of course!

Melanie enlist her friends to help with the task – the same three gals who were along on the fateful trip when she met Devar. After trying on a variety of styles, she says yes to the halter dress. Her mom is there also and seems happy to snap photos while a deluded Melanie puts the grim state of her finances out of her mind. Maybe she’s not so delusional though, because she does admit (ironically while still in the wedding dress, yo!) that she’s still not convinced that the fairy tale will happen. She frankly doesn’t know if their relationship will stand the test of time. No one does, after all.      


With his decades of quality time left, Mark has decided to spare a moment for his teenage fiance. He’s taking Nikki to Ocean City, MD, for a few days to kick back, relax, and talk incessantly about his ex-wife. In an effort to play along, Nikki asks what Ocean City is like. Cue Mark’s response: My ex wife and I used to go there all of the time until I locked her in the basement! (Do you feel like Mark is going to bust out his ex-wife’s wedding gown at some point and force Nikki to wear it? Then replace all of his current creepy photos with new creepy ones?) Nikki, along with the rest of the viewing audience, rolls her eyes in total disgust.

Mark, being Mark, then launches into a tale of bygone days in which he met a “BEAUTIFUL Hawaiian woman!” in Hawaii…blah, blah, blah. Nikki is Not.Having.It. She cuts Mark’s story off, telling him to stop pissing her off with his beautiful woman stories. He’s like a “broken machine” with this ex-wife/women-of-my-past sh*t and it’s gotta stop. Like that hideous guidance counselor you remember from high school, Mark then obnoxiously tells Nikki she needs to “smile more.” Just smile! No bueno, Mark. Nikki says she can’t fake her emotions; she’d rather he know how she’s really feeling. Mark does not comprehend this. Then Nikki licks his car window. (I wish.)

Once they arrive at the beach, Nikki is still raw about their fight in the car. And she’s not impressed by the beach scene OCMD is serving up. “Why is she frustrated?” Mark wonders. “It’s a hard read for me.” Yes, it’s tough for sociopaths to mimic and empathize with human emotion, but you’ll get there Mark! (I kid!! Kinda…)

In Miami, Fernando is at the airport welcoming Carolina (finally!) to the US. Carolina is thrilled to be here and thinks the drive home so far is beautiful. She’s about to meet Fernando’s family and she’s scared. Fernando claims his mom is not scary, but she does talk a lot. They joke about opening lines: “I’m here for the green card and the money!” sounds good. Ha!

Meanwhile in Rexburg, Aleksandra’s parents are being subjected to an American flag-waving welcome from Josh’s family. Dirk has busted out a SHORT sleeved dress shirt for the occasion, and seems friendly enough at the outset. As the families gather around the fire pit to make cabbage, meat, and onions in various stews/soups (“because we thought that’s something Russians would like!”), Aleksandra’s parents talk about their preconceived notions of Mormons.

They hear Mormons have multiple wives, nyet? That’s what it says on the interwebs! Josh’s mom of the ever-present scowl says “that was a different time,” but it’s not like that anymore. She admits her great-grandfather had four wives though. Too soon, Josh’s mom. Tooooo soon. Aleksandra’s parents look like…they just ate cabbage soup. A little bit sick, a little bit confused. 

Life is not a beach in Ocean City, MD, as things continue to go down the toilet for Mark. He’s wondering how happy Nikki is today? 10%? Nikki says she’s sick of hearing about Mark’s past. Apparently, he brings up the ex-wife off camera as much or more (is that possible?) than he does on camera, according to Nikki. Mark admits that the history of his past marriage “unfortunately plays into” his current relationship. He promises Nikki he’ll be more careful in the future. If he’s not willing to work on things, Nikki says she’ll go home to the Philippines.

For his part, Mark still doesn’t seem to get it though. He claims, “I’m damned if I do, and I’m damned if I don’t” – like he’s the victim of an overbearing partner. Things are not looking good for this couple. But something tells me Nikki is the feisty heroine of this horror movie. She’s not gonna get stabbed down by the dock without throwing the killer in the lake first.

Fernando and Carolina arrive home, poised to walk into the lion’s den. They are, at first, greeted warmly by Fernando’s parents and brothers, but conversation stalls around talks of immigration. Fernando sees his mom and Carolina as “frenemies” which is a sad way to begin. Mom seems more set on being enemies than frenemies, though, as she tells Carolina that she basically hates Colombians. The neighbor she doesn’t talk to? Colombian. The other lady from the grocery store who’s no good? Colombian. The stuff that Fernando snorts (allegedly!) when he’s out cheating on his current girlfriend? Colombian.

As Carolina sits in silent shock as Fernando’s mom wonders whether the drug-sniffing dogs found her out at the airport, Fernando doesn’t even try to come to his fiance’s defense. Wow. Good guy! Ugh, 90-Day Fiance! Where did you find this season’s couples!? Are any of them destined for happiness? 


Photo Credit: TLC

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