Ladies Of London Recap: Tarts And Tartans

Ladies Of London Recap: Tarts And Tartans


It’s time for the Ladies Of London to head to Scotland this week, as Caroline Stanbury hosts a trip – with NO house rules and (gasp!) a RENTED castle – for her friends and enemies before moving to Dubai. Julie Montagu, of course, feels preyed upon by Caroline’s digs about rules and such, but finds that her former ally, Sophie Stanbury, is not interested in gossiping with her anymore about Caroline. What’s a future Lady Of The Manor to do?! Cry in her kitchen. That’s what.

Testing her loyalty right off the bat, Julie has Sophie over for wine – and whining. She’s pissed about Caroline telling her she’s going to show her “how to have a good time” in Scotland, versus the crap time she had at Mapperton. Julie snarked back that she’ll try to not walk out of Caroline’s dinner. Touche! But then she sobs about Caroline picking on her again, and Sophie draws the line. She’s extracting herself from this mess, pronto, advising Julie to fix her sh*t with Caroline all by herself.


Seems like Sophie is learning how to survive in this circle – finally. Let’s see how long that lasts, shall we?


As the rest of the ladies pack up for their trip, Caroline Fleming takes a moment to meditate next to a lit candle, breathing herself into some sort of trance. Because she’s gonna need her happy place to get through this trip! Adela King and Sophie share a car, also sharing their wish for a drama-free weekend. Meanwhile, Marissa Hermer and Julie are in their own car, discussing Julie’s “really low expectations” that she plans to exceed. Hmm. Marissa also whines about leaving hubby Matt behind, which is rich coming from the woman who leaves behind newborns without a backward glance. (Harsh! Sorry, but it is what it is.) Juliet Angus and Caroline F spend their car trip pushing their breasts together on video. Okay – their car wins!


Ah, but the groups will actually meld together in vans of doom for the longer trip. Julie climbs aboard Caroline S’s van, in an effort to do the “bigger person” shtick, while Marissa tortures the driver – and all riders – in the other van with her questions about Scottish drinks. Julie, Caroline F, Juliet, and Caroline S travel in their van without much incident – that is, until Caroline comments on Marissa and Matt’s plans to sell all of their businesses and move to LA. A move that seems like running away – something Caroline thinks Marissa has been accusing her of for months. The plot thickens!

When the ladies arrive at the gorgeous Dundas Castle, all are impressed. Well, all but Lady Julie, who grossly comments, “Caroline did a great job finding this castle. But she did have to rent it.” Because, remember, she’s the bigger person, right? But who really cares about who rented what or who wears what dusty crown? Because, yet again, Ladies Of London is serving up CASTLES!!! I’m sorry, but it simply cannot be overstated: This show has THE best landscapes, estates, luxe billings, and straight up eye candy on Bravo. Plus, there are bagpipes. Rent away, ladies! RENT AWAY! #MoreCastlePornPlease

For Caroline F, she’s right at home in a castle, having grown up in one. But this is Caroline S’s temporary castle now, so she’s making the rules – which means there are no rules. Want to sleep through breakfast? Go for it! Plan to ditch the planned outings? No problem! Need a smoke on the front lawn? Be her damn guest! Caroline F notes the jab at both Julie and her for their attempt to enforce house rules at each of their estates.

But apparently, there are also no rules about throwing the host under the bus, which Julie is currently doing upstairs as she tells Marissa that Caroline has an issue with her about the Dubai rumors. Though Luke tells Julie to quit while she’s ahead, any dolt can see that Julie never lets go of a problem until it has her claw marks all over it.

After a castle tour – squeeeeee!! decadence! tapestries! brocade! – Marissa complains that Caroline is “literally the worst host ever!” for giving her a perfectly acceptable room, but not the best room. #BasicDigsForBasicB*tches She then confronts Caroline in her sub-par room, asking what her issue is? Caroline expresses disappointment in Marissa for spreading dirt about running from “financial ruin,” which Marissa denies spreading. Caroline says it’s fine, she’s not upset, but was disappointed. Marissa basically insinuates that Caroline’s life is such a minuscule pimple on the butt of her world, that she doesn’t even have time to think about it.

But now Caroline S is fired up that Julie spread rumors about her being upset with Marissa, so she goes to confront her next. Marissa follows, still simpering that she’s done nothing wrong! Julie sidesteps that she just told Marissa to go talk to Caroline. But now Caroline’s hot button has been pushed, which is the breakdown of perceived “loyalties” among friends. (Really? In Sophie’s case, yes. But Marissa and Julie? They are loyal only to each other. And possibly, Nordstrom Rack online.) In any case, Caroline just reiterates that she’s moving to Dubai as a new chapter in her family’s life, period. And she doesn’t want to have a month of animosity among her friends during her time left in London. Marissa, of course, doesn’t care. She’s all, “Just move already! MOVE!”

Before their casual dinner, for which Caroline F is decked out in metallic body armor (looking FAB!), Marissa confesses to Julie that she’s homesick. Whah! She misses her family! She’s pumping and lonely! She is also, in my humble opinion, full of sh*t. But Julie coos that she totally understands Marissa’s very special feelings. Their chat turns to trashing Sophie – which Julie feels free to do now that Sophie won’t badmouth Caroline S with her anymore. She’s lost her co-conspirator, and Marissa doesn’t care to talk to Julie about all of this played-out drivel either. So, Julie will just have to ponder her pain whilst standing on her head somewhere.


At dinner, Caroline S offers a toast, hoping they can all reconnect and bond during this trip, enjoying the next three days without incident. Adela knows their friendship will stand the test of time, no matter what. Sophie also admits she’ll miss Caroline deeply, which Julie interprets as ass-kissing – totally missing the point that these two women are in each other’s lives for the long haul as sisters-in-law (divorce or not), and share a bond that Sophie and Julie never will.

Adela tries to lighten the mood by talking about her sexual dry spell, which try-hard Marissa attempts to one up, dishing about the bruises all over her body from last weekend. Purportedly from hot postpartum sexxx with Matt? <dry heave> But things get deeper when Adela opens up about her drinking history, which turned into addiction, and now into an attempt at long-term sobriety. Adela admits she was always looking for a way to “numb out,” which alcohol provided for a time – until the alcohol became her main problem in the end.

Adela says she hit rock bottom when she tried to commit suicide, in an attempt to make the pain go away. Her story makes Juliet uncomfortable, who stupidly asks, “Is that not selfish?” Caroline F, dumbstruck by Juliet’s lack of empathy and understanding (about addiction – or anything else, frankly), defends Adela as likely being in a major amount of pain to attempt such a drastic, misguided end. Juliet, sitting at the table like a mouth-breathing moron after an offended Adela walks out, defends her point of view. But no one at the table can believe her inane, aggressive comments. Even ride-or-die Caroline S looks like she wants to be wearing the “I’m With Stupid” shirt right now.

“Is it bad to stab myself at my own dinner party?” muses Caroline S. But, somehow, everyone makes it out alive in the end. But barely, as the ladies continue their mutiny in their vans (albeit, good naturedly) as they argue over heat levels and faux furs.

The next morning, Marissa checks in on her family via #CreepyNanny, who comforts a crying Marissa, assuring her that the kiddos are fine and Matt will be joining her soon. Um. Why is #CreepyNanny comforting Marissa – not Matt?

At breakfast, Caroline F is told the kitchen would be happy to whip up some kedgeree (boiled fish and rice) if she’s unwilling to eat the sausages everyone else has ordered. She’s like…um, can I just hop in the kitchen and whip up some eggs? But there are no eggs, Baroness! No chickens either! So, she’ll have to eat a healthy helping of air with her coffee and non-skim milk this fine morning.

Pretty much done with Marissa and her giant back of bullsh*t, Caroline S snarks in front of the entire breakfast table – at which Marissa is now seated – that everyone basically wants to defect from the country whenever Marissa approaches them for a little “chat.” Caroline F interviews that she nearly jumped out of a window to avoid a Marissa chat that very morning, but doesn’t pile on at the table. Astounded that Caroline S is now full-frontal gossiping about her (not saving it for behind her back like the noble Marissa does), Marissa defends herself as an up-front kind of gal. HA! Is that why Marissa invited Juliet to her home last week, only to trash her behind her back the ENTIRE time?


Juliet, misguided as she is in ever so many ways, does have Marissa’s number. She calls her out as wanting to appear perfect and sweet, but is in actuality an entirely different person behind the scenes. “My life is not perfect!” whines Marissa, whose ally, Julie, is now perked up, ready to defend all rumpled feelings in the room! (Well, all rumpled feelings that belong to Marissa or Julie.)

After Marissa wanders out of breakfast, crying, Sophie tries to smooth the waters by professing her love for everyone in the room – except Juliet. Har! Now Juliet’s feelings are hurt. As she warms up to attack Sophie, we cut to next week’s previews. Thus, their inevitable dogfight is to be continued.


Photo Credit: Bravo