The Bachelor folk are not about to let us forget that Sean Lowe's
riveting personality half-naked body looks ah-mazing. While working out and taking a shower, Sean talks about his second chance at love… on this amazing journey… to meet his future wife. The Bachelor needs a new script.
Sean and his bachelorettes go on dates this week! Chris Harrison explains the dating process to the 19 remaining ladies – First Rose Tierra, Wishing Well Desiree, OCD AshLee, Sexy Selma, Back Flips Robyn, Tries Too Hard Brooke, Lipstick Jackie, Kurly Katie, Sweet Sarah, Single Mom Diana, Mean Mugging Catherine, Poker Dealer Leslie, Awkward Pause Amanda, Desperate in D.C. Lesley, Ben Reject Kacie, Model Kristy, Handshake Daniella, Tears Taryn, and Drunk Bride Lindsay – and adds that Sean is the most sincere Bachelor ever.
Chris places the first date card on the coffee table, raises his hands in the air, and slowly backs out of the room… BRING ON THE CRAZY!
Kristy grabs the card, hoping to see her name on it, but it goes to Sarah. The date card reads, "Are you ready to fall in love today?" Everyone goes awwww and then wishes they, too, had only one arm. Oh, come on… you know the thought seeped into their catty heads. In all seriousness, I loved Sarah last week, so I'm excited about Sean's choice.
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Sean wants to wear a shirt and impress the ladies, so he borrows Kalon's helicopter. It works. The ladies squeal with delight. They're all like, oh my gosh, Sean brought a helicopter and he's so handsome, I want to eat him alive, and I'm all like, remember that time when ER's Dr. Romano lost him arm to a helicopter? Sarah better keep her hand in her pocket. Clearly, I'm going to Hell.
Sarah talks incessantly about her disability, adding, "All I really want is to find somebody to spend my life with … My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have … Everything is happening the way I imagined it … I'm going to start to fall in love, and it's going to be amazing." It's only, like, 7 minutes into the season, right? I just can't with the love talk yet.
If the Fear Factor prize were a rose: Sean and Sarah free fall off the side of a skyscraper – oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh – falling 360 feet at the rate of 40 feet a second. I realize for the first time that Sarah talks like a Kardashian. This could be a deal-breaker (for me). Later, Sarah shared with Sean that she once tried to go zip lining with her dad but was told no because of her disability, and she was crushed. Daddy's answer to Sarah was to find a man (really?) strong enough to go through the tough times with, to which Sean says, "I do consider myself a man."
Sean gives Sarah a rose, saying, "It's been a long time since I have gone on a first date and have connected with somebody like this… I loved it." Sarah says she's already falling in love with Sean. Of course she is. Congratulations, Sarah, you're now The Bachelor Season 17 first date train wreck. You and Sean shared the first date – the leap of faith date, even – and the first real kiss and an amazing connection. You won't see another date for a few weeks and it'll crush your spirit. Enjoy.
The bachelorettes open the group date card, which goes to Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley, Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie, and Tierra. The date card reads, "Let's capture the romance." Tierra is this season's "I'm not here to make friends" chick. Katie is not digging the group date. As the ladies drive up to Sean, Selma says, "I see this castle… and literally a prince charming is standing right there… " Um, no, that's just Sean.
Unpopular opinion alert: I'm not that fond of Kacie. Her voice, laugh, and self-proclaimed expert status annoy me. Multiple runs on the Bachelor doesn't make you all-knowing… it kind of makes you pathetic.
If Next Top Model had tacky hos and Sean Lowe: Sean and the ladies pose for Harlequin romance novel covers. The bachelorette who provides the hottest cover (with Sean) wins a three-book cover deal. Model Kristy screams! Katie says, "Did you see Kristy's reaction? Uh, home girl is a little excited to do a photo shoot." Tierra turns her nose up at Kristy's hair extensions. Tierra boasts that she's all real… except the eyelashes and tan and possibly the boobs. Robyn complains about Tierra, prompting her make-up artist to say, "Tacky hos are a dime a dozen."
The bachelorettes are divided into four genres: cowgirls, vampires, sexy, and historical. Some looks are better than others, but I feel most sorry for the horse in the country shoot. He is clearly embarrassed to be there. The claws really come out when Sean and Lesley share a kiss. Lesley braces herself for the 'Cat 5 Hurricane' that is Tierra. Sure enough, there's a storm brewing, and she has a dent in her forehead. Was that there last week?
Lesley can relax, though, because Hurricane Tierra quickly moves on to new target. Her name is Kristy, and, I don't know if you've heard, but she's a model. Tierra goes on, I'm here for Sean. I get right to the point. I have to win this. I feel like this isn't a competition. No girl is going to stop me from getting the rose. Kristy goes on, Modeling is what I do. I'm going to show Sean how to run in front of the camera. I want that
happily ever after with the man photo shoot prize. Kristy takes charge and rocks the shoot. Tierra chews the inside of her mouth. Kristy wins the book cover deal. Can she leave the show now? Tierra whines, "I don't want to play dress up. I'm here for Sean, and I want Sean to see what Tierra really wants." Referring to herself in the third person? She can also leave the show.
After the shoot, Sean and Lesley are awkward, Kacie secures a place in Sean's girlfriend zone, Catherine tells Sean she likes beef (i.e., his man meat) despite being a vegan, Selma is super cute, Tierra eats (there's food at these things?) and whines, and Amanda looks miserable. Katie isn't feeling the whole Bachelor thing – and definitely pissed that someone obviously replaced her Frizz Ease with shoes – so she chooses to leave. At the end of the date, Sean gives the rose to Kacie, and Tierra wants to punch her.
The next one-on-one date goes to
Katie Holmes Desiree, and the date card reads, "Love is priceless." This means AshLee, Lindsay, Jackie, and Leslie will not date Sean this week. Bummer.
If Punk'd had Chris Harrison: Desiree gets punk'd by Sean and Chris. It's lame.
Let's move on to the wine and hot tub portion of their date. Sean wants to marry his best friend; Desiree wants to marry her best friend. Both Sean and Desiree look ridiculously hot in a bathing suit and have parents who are still hopelessly in love. Too cool! Sean gives Desiree a rose, saying, "You've seen every side of me, like, this is me, you've seen 100% me, and no one else has brought that out of me yet. We're a pretty good match." Thank goodness he's shirtless when he says all that nonsense.
If a Cocktail Party had a catatonic fruitcake: Amanda comes to the rose ceremony with unkempt hair and an unflattering bright yellow rose-shouldered dress.She sits in a catatonic state and refuses to engage in any conversation even when directly addressed. Amanda is cray cray.
Lindsay apologizes for playing the role of the drunk bride on the first night, Catherine has an "infectious personality," Leslie needs style help, Robyn asks Sean if he digs black girls, and Selma teaches Sean how to say "you are very beautiful" in Arabic. Amanda comes to life when Sean calls her name, and the wine-soaked bachelorettes are in an uproar over her about-face.
If a Rose Ceremony had, um, roses: Going into the rose ceremony, Sarah, Kacie, and Desiree already have roses. Sean thinks he's standing in the room with his future wife. Of course he does. Sean gives roses to OCD AshLee and Drunk Bride Lindsay. Amanda manages to turn her head. Back Flips Robyn, Lipstick Jackie, Desperate in DC Lesley, Sexy Selma, and Mean Mugging Catherine accept roses. Amanda shakes her head in disgust. When Model Kristy gets a rose, the dent in Tierra's forehead grows deeper. Sean offers roses to Poker Dealer Leslie, First Rose Tierra, Tears Taryn, and Handshake Daniella. There is only one rose left on the tray (thanks, Chris) and it goes to Awkward
Pause Everything Amanda.
Brooke and Diana leave the Cray Cray Mansion without roses. Naturally, now that their Bachelor journey has come to an end, they have lost all hope and prepare to die alone. Good times.
TELL US – WHO DO YOU THINK ARE THE FRONT RUNNERS? DRAMA QUEENS? CATTY BITCHES?
Photo credit: ABC