So, I'm not sure if you're aware, but the big gossip surrounding Princesses: Long Island is Joey Lauren's "persecution" of Ashlee White. HAHA. Ashlee is delusional – with a capital D – and her take on her ongoing feud with Joey is hilarious. Did you know Joey went after Ashlee at Amanda Bertoncini's white party?  For no reason, Joey angrily screamed at Ashlee,  "Nobody's on your side!" Is this bish for real? Her little recap leaves out the part where she tells Joey that none of "her" friends like her just to hurt her feelings.

"Love your enemies," advises the little wise one troll. "Just in case your friends turn out to be schmucks." 

Am I sleeping? Is this a nightmare? I need a break from Ashlee – who's next? Ah, obnoxious Amanda and her speech challenged sister Taylor, of course. Bravo clearly has a mean spirited sense of humor. Amanda and Taylor are shopping. And talking. Amanda asks, "Want some Froooyooo?" and Taylor responds, "Froyo makes you lose weight, right?" Sure, it also boosts brain power, so eat up!



Next, despite the fact that neither of them are engaged to be married, Amanda and Taylor stop at a jewelry store that specializes in engagement and wedding rings. They talk about Babs, who doesn't want to lose Amanda to Jeff. "For you, Jeff is, like, literally perfect," says Taylor. "Your personalities just flow together. Like, he's funny, and he's funny." OMG. Will someone please get this girl some FroYo!?! Amanda thinks she deserves to be married – soon – and hopes Babs comes around. If she doesn't, Amanda says she will resent her mother, as well as block her on Facebook. They lives in the same house but okay.

Meanwhile, Ashlee invites Erica Gimbel to her house, solely to confront her about Joey. The bottom line is, catty little Ashlee texted all her friends, telling them not to be friends with big bad Joey, and Erica (and Amanda) told Joey. Erica looks constipated. I'm not sure if this is a side effect of being in the same room as Ashlee or if she really does need to poop. Ashlee puts Erica on the spot. Erica denies everything.  The more she lies, the more she shakes. The convo goes like, "I never said that you said, blah, blah, she totally threw me under the bus because I never said that you said that." My head explodes. How old are these people? 

Ashlee uses this conversation to further her anti-Joey campaign. She tells Erica that Joey clearly provoked her – Joey has the power! She could have ruined their friendship!  "You're so innocent," Ashlee says to Erica. "I don't think you want more toxic. That's why I'm trying so hard to help you where I can." Ashlee even tells Erica that she's willing to throw herself under the bus (what bus?) to protect her. Oh please. They're both stupid. First, Ashlee thinks Joey manipulated her, while she just fell for Erica's lies. Second, Erica is so dim, she forgets that she lied and now believes Ashlee's nonsense.

Meanwhile, Babs hosts dinner, which includes Jeff's parents. Amanda tells Babs how she can and cannot act, suggesting, "Be Mother Teresa of the Jews." Jeff's parents are Charlie and Gail. Dinner is going well – as long as you tune out Taylor – until Jeff declares his love for Amanda. Bonus points – Jeff does not lick Amanda's face (for once) in front of their parents. Jeff's parents are elated. Babs is pissed. Amanda announces, "I'm leaving the nest soon," to which Babs says, "You're not leaving!" Gail thinks Babs is joking – she's not. 

Casey Cohen has drinks and dinner with her non-Princess friend, Leila, to bitch about her Princess friends, Erica, Ashlee, Joey, Amanda, and Chanel Omari. Casey makes good points, especially about their desperation to be married, but I can't listen to her say "like" every two seconds. Also, if she can't stand these people, why is she on the show? In other news, Leila is gorgeous, she reminds me of Olivia Wilde. 

Finally, Erica, Ashlee, Joey, Chanel, and Amanda are off to a vineyard, and then they plan to enjoy a night cruise on Erica's dad's boat. The girls – minus Joey – freak out over a bee. I mean, shrieking, sobbing, you name it, and I demand to see proof of their ages. My six-year-old daughter handles a bee better than they do. Oh, so the camera close ups on Ashlee's face, and that's all the proof I need. These 30- and 40-something-year-old women are simply mentally stuck at 12. 

Ashlee and Joey ignore one another. "She is evil," Ashlee says about Joey. "I can't even look at her right now." Then Ashlee praises God for giving her a cute outfit to wear. Later, in one car, Ashlee tells Chanel and Erica that she didn't say hi to Joey because she shows no remorse, adding, "She's an ant." In the other car Joey admits to Amanda that the crap with Ashlee makes her feel uncomfortable. 


The owner of the winery gives the Princesses a tour. This poor guy! Ashlee is scared to walk up a flight of stairs because she is afraid of anything over five feet tall. Joey rolls her eyes over Ashlee's "look at me" scene. Ashlee says, "I don't know how I'm actually going to get down," and I say, "I can think of a few ways." A winery employee suggests Ashlee take off her ridiculously high shoes to navigate the staircase. No one offers up a piggy back ride so that's not happening. "She's like a child that's having a tantrum," says Joey. "You can't pay it no mind because it just gets worse." Ashlee hobbles down the stairs, the winery owner chugs a glass of wine behind her back.

Chanel, Erica, Joey, Amanda, and Ashlee are alone in the middle of the vineyard with copious amounts of wine. Cheers! So, Erica pees on the grapes, and then she brings attention to the elephant in the vineyard. Ashlee needs an explanation. Joey says to Ashlee, "I don't want to talk to you, you're not on my radar," to which Ashlee says, "You are saying I did not matter?" Joey pretty much confirms that Ashlee does NOT matter to her. Pandemonium ensues. "You are a bad person," Ashlee says to Joey. "Look at what you've done." Once again, Ashlee calls Joey a bad person, and Amanda tells her to zip it. Now Ashlee is mad at Amanda for getting involved, saying, "Do not tell me what I can say." 

Ashlee talks out of her ass. Joey yells over her. This is crazy. Next, Ashlee demands Joey to leave HER friends alone, and Joey points out that they're HER friends too. Ashlee tells the camera that Joey is trying to turn her friends against her. They're all yelling now and Chanel calls for a time out. Ashlee eventually learns that Erica lied about showing the texts to Joey. "Joey, Amanda, and Erica are trying to rip me apart," says Ashlee. "I feel like three bulldogs were attacking this little teacup Yorkie." Ashlee starts to cry and decides to leave. First, she tells Erica that she's heart broken, and she tells Joey that her mom was right about her. 

Woah. Joey and Amanda both call Ashlee disgusting for bringing Joey's rocky relationship with her mom into the fight. Chanel defends Ashlee. I mean, really, Chanel? Meanwhile, off in another part of the vineyard, Ashlee calls her mom. "They were so mean to me," she sobs. "I did not do anything. They were yelling. Please… help… me…." Ashlee hyperventilates – Mom tells her that her friends are jealous of her – and then Dad suggest she hire a car service to bring her home. Ashlee asks for a private jet. She's insane.

Chanel continues to defend Ashlee – ad nauseam. Joey, Amanda, and Erica pretty much tell her to go find her precious Ashlee because they're done with her too. Chanel finds Ashlee, who is crying and covered in mascara and waiting for a private jet to appear in the middle of the vineyard, and then Chanel calls Casey on the phone. Um, why? Chanel tells Casey that Amanda, Erica, and Joey attacked Ashlee. Ashlee keeps up with the Joey is a bad person because she called me funny looking story. "Personally, I am the hottest funny looking person that I've ever seen," she says. "She should look in the mirror." 

Erica, Amanda, and Joey decide to enjoy the rest of their evening on Erica's dad's boat. Ashlee spies them walking toward her – she storms off, screaming how dare everyone, and disappears. Um. Do we really care where she is? Chanel freaks out and begs the others to help her look for Ashlee. They're all like, we have a boat to catch, peace out! #myheroes On the way out, Erica says, "Ashlee is such a f-ing stupid little baby bitch! Grow the f-k up!" 


Photo credit: Bravo

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