Don't lie. You've missed the crew from Love & Hip Hop. Yeah, I know. I couldn't type that with a straight face any more than you could read it with one. With the Basketball Wives reunion kaput, VH1 treated us to the season premiere of a more yawn-inducing version of the feisty L&HH: ATL. While I'll try to reserve my judgment, I don't think that K. Michelle can save this sinking ship any more than the newbies. It's not that I don't like Yandy Smith and Mendeecees Harris, but they are almost too likeable. I didn't believe Rich Dollaz and Erica Mena's relationship was anything more than camera candy, so I never invested much thought in them, and don't even get me started on the dysfunction that is Tahiry Jose and Joe Budden. So, about that reservation of judgment promise…I'm not doing so well, eh?
With the Medicine Man still incarcerated, Yandy has continued to take Little Mendeecees during his dad's custodial times. Both she and Mendecees have decided to tell the boy that his father is serving time…in the army. I don't even have the chance to type how adorable this child is before Mona Scott Young goes and throws a curveball…she is totally exploiting Little Mendecees by having him share a secret with his soon-to-be stepmom. He reveals that he has known his dad was in jail for months.
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We're introduced to Tara Wallace who is an aspiring actress who has two sons with boyfriend of thirteen years rapper Peter Gunz. He wants to make the transition from rap to music management so he is better able to provide for his family. The couple laughs about how they met, and Peter jokes that she got pregnant to trap him and he wanted to take her on Maury. Hilarious? Suuuurreee…
Rich is trying to navigate the single life without Erica, and he and Yandy are hosting a showcase to promote their new label. Yandy is excited about the prospect of this new endeavor, and Peter is hoping that his artist Amina Buttlerfly will be the perfect match with the new label. Yandy is looking forward to getting to know Tara better, and both women are impressed with Amina's performance. Heck, Yandy's even emotional over the song! Yawn. We're fifteen minutes in and I'm reminded why Atlanta is the only franchise that doesn't make me want to doze. There is a serious flirtation between Amina and Peter that seems to go far deeper than manager and artist, but this pair will never be Stevie J. and Joseline! Not to mention, their googly eyes are probably just for a story line.
Speaking of story lines, Joe and Tahiry are–SURPRISE!–back together! However, she's got him on a strict no-contact rule until the results of his STD tests return. He had too much fun while they were apart. The Professor is convinced that he's as clean as Lysol, but he's willing to wait. Not a proponent of condoms, the couple can't wait to see what the future holds…maybe little Buddens! Heaven help us!
The crazy that is Erica is shopping for lingerie to wear on the cover of her new sex book that is based on sexual fantasies. Um, what? In spite of a dramatic break-up, she and Rich remain good friends, and he feels the need to help her pick out her barely there ensemble. Erica reveals that after the insanity of a relationship with Rich, she is batting for the other team and loving it. Rich fills her in on Peter finding a hot new talent in Amina. Not surprisingly, Erica is rolling her eyes over the mention of Peter as she blames him for their break-up. She warns Rich to be smart with his money when it comes to Gunz.
In the studio, Amina and Peter are making music together, literally…although I have a feeling they will soon be making music of the bowm chicka bowm mouw variety. She certainly has a voice on her, but I want to take a shower to wash off the skeeze I feel every time Peter looks at her. Making out, they channel the Pretty Woman piano scene and I literally just threw up in my mouth a bit. I didn't sign up to recap porn! Poor Tara…surely she knows what she signed up for because she's clearly seen this mess of a show before!
K. Michelle is rolling with private jets, champagne, and personal umbrella holders. I can't even. She and pal Paris dish on K. Michelle's need for some sexual healing as her car is mobbed by three fans at a red light. Could this be any more ridiculous? I guess we're going to find out soon enough!
Peter was a no show for dropping off and picking up his son from school, and he hasn't been answering any of Tara's calls. While he feels badly about flaking on his son, Peter just can't resist Amina. Father of the Year, people! Tara questions how he was too busy to bother with his son yet he had plenty of time to pose for cozy Instagram photos with Amina. He tries to explain it away, and promises on his honor that he's being faithful. Of course, Tara reminds him of the double life he lead the last time she was pregnant when he had another child with someone else. These women are laughable. Is his phone off or was he ignoring my calls? Geez.
During a phone call with Mendeecees, Yandy reveals that Little Medicine knows his father's whereabouts. Yandy gets frustrated that Mendeecees only seems to want to talk about his lawyers and his situation. What about her needs? Can't he just tell her that he loves her and she's pretty? Good luck with this Yandy. Meanwhile, Peter is shacking up with Amina, and she is getting impatient with the fact that he hasn't told Tara about the two of them. Peter wants Amina to stop making him choose between her and his kids.
Joe surprises Tahiry with a romantic date. It's all about bonding and relishing in their newfound relationship status. The pair shares a celebratory high-five over the fact that Joe's STD results came back clean. Score!
In need of some girl time, Tara and Yandy are getting together. Yandy shares that she is terrified that Mendeecees may go to jail for twenty years minimum if convicted. What if Amir has to grow up without a father? It isn't fair given the fact that there are much worse criminals roaming the streets. Um, I'm pretty sure that's not quite how our justice system works. Across town, Peter is treating Rich to another private Amina performance. Rich questions their manager/artist relationship, and he laughs about the double standard given the fact Peter had such a problem with him messing with Erica. Peter is falling in love with Amina which shocks Rich. He's always thought of his friend as Mr. Daddy Daycare. It's too messy for Rich's taste, and we all know that's saying a lot. When Rich expresses his concerns to Amina, she basically tells him to mind his own business when it comes to her husband while flashing him a Mrs. Pankey (Peter's real last name) tattoo. I can't tell if she's crazy or brilliant…
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[Photo Credit: VH1]