This week's Shahs of Sunset was insane. Bravo gets the ick – MJ's sex tapes – out of the way first thing. We pay for this later. Mercedes "MJ" Javid seeks professional help to recover the missing files from her computer. She worries the young, hot computer guy will copy her sex tapes. He finds the files – not a cold chance in hell he enjoys it, let alone copies them.
Next, Mike Shouhed meets with old Vegas friends, Big Baller #1 and Big Baller #2. Their office building is nice and shiny but rather empty inside – much like their secretaries. The Ballers, who finance real estate deals, offer Mike a job as their broker. He promises to think about it, adding, "I want to show everybody a big middle finger, to the entire world and say, 'HAHAHA, I'm the richest.'"
Asa Soltan Rahmati meets with a party planner friend to go over details for the Diamond Water launch party. Not much to see here. She complains about the lack of gaudy gold accessories – yet the whiners on House Hunters never stop complaining about gold this, gold that – and requests a Diamond Water bottle ice sculpture. Asa also reveals she's planning a family reunion in Turkey.
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Continuing to go above and beyond, Jessica cooks Shabbat dinner for Mike's parents. I love them. They're always so sweet and welcoming. Mom praises Jessica's food and efforts, and Dad adds, "I didn't have a sister. I didn't have an aunt. I didn't have a daughter. You are everything to me." Later, Mike tells his parents he looked at engagement rings, err, big engagement rings. To blind the haters. #EyeRoll
Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi meets up with Shayan, the guy she made out with at Lilly's birthday party, to see if he's ready for marriage and babies. First, awkward much? Second, can this girl be single for a minute? Apparently not. "No shame in my game," she shares. "I need a man." Well, this particular man isn't interested in all that, but GG's not about to let the hottie go to waste. She invites him to the Diamond Water party so she can rub him in MJ's face.
It's time for the Diamond Water party. Asa says her baby – water, not sure if you've heard of it – is finally coming to life. It's all so glamorous, she brags, as she chomps on a piece of gum. Reza Farahan can't wait to celebrate, but he's nervous about seeing Mike. GG brings Shayan. MJ brings Leila. Game. On.
So, MJ's boobs are ON DISPLAY, and Bravo makes sure to get up close and personal with them. This is the price we pay for the fairly painless resolution to the missing sex tapes. Reza and MJ's panties are in a bunch over Lilly's presence at the party. Reza questions her motives, adding, "I haven't heard from her in months and the first time I'm seeing her is at an event where she's having her picture taken." MJ says she's onto Lilly's game. Um, what? They both sound like bitter fools.
GG's upset with MJ for bringing her sister, but Leila seems to be pleased with herself and goes out of her way to confront GG. And Reza's whispering in MJ's ear about Shayan and GG. This is getting old, no? GG introduces Shayan. MJ disses his age, asking him if he's still in school. GG reacts by asking MJ if she's retired. Reza laughs his obnoxious laugh. GG walks away.
Mike and Jessica arrive last. Mike is tipsyyyy and slurring words already. He blows off Reza, then Adam talks to him about how to approach Reza for the first time. Mike yells, "Reza, you're my bitch! HAHAHA!" He adds, "He can suck my Diamond Water." Meanwhile, Reza and MJ are hiding in a corner, dissing everyone else's outfits. These two obviously do not own mirrors. Reza, with his played out suits and bedazzled shoes. MJ, who designed a bra, ordered one in every color, and decided it works as a shirt. They both need to take a seat.
In the next scene, Reza preaches about manners and acting like a grown up. In the very next scene, Reza announces to the entire party via the DJ's mic, "Mike has lost his mind and his manners and wearing whack-ass beige old-ass Gucci shoes that he should have thrown out long, long ago."
Side Note: either MJ's boobs are growing or her bustier's seams are begging for mercy and beginning to pop.
Reza and Mike sit down to talk. Reza chastises Mike for not reaching out to him after Club Nur. "Why would I reach out to you?" demands Mike. "I'm not MJ; she's a weak bitch. You're a back stabber, a traitor. You're not a true friend." Reza maintains that Mike abandoned and betrayed him. Mike and Reza argue over whom judged whom. Mike eventually gives up, "F–k you!", to which Reza says, "F–k yourself, it's cheaper." Reza thinks Mike's delusional.
Delusional about Reza? No. Drunk as a skunk? Yes. Drunk Mike is my new favorite Bravolebrity. Ever.
Next, completely out of the blue, Asa invites the Shahs to Turkey for her family reunion. Nobody looks super pumped up about it, their happy reactions seem forced. Except for Drunk Mike. He promises to think about it, adding, "I haven't been to Turkey since I had chicken." First, HUH? Second, I DIE.
Mike walks out of the club, declaring he'll never bother with Reza again. When Reza follows him, Mike says, "I didn't do anything to betray you. I love you like my brother. What you did [at Club Nur] – in my heart – I felt was wrong." Mike starts to cry. Jessica drags him away and into the car.
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Photo Credit: Bravo