Little Women: LA Recap: Name Game

On last night’s Little Women: LA, Joe Gnoffo and Terra Jole went 32 rounds over the naming of their newborn son while Briana Renee went to buy a gun! Because, you know how it goes when your husband acts like a toolbox on national TV, causing otherwise balanced people everywhere to feel rather murdery toward him? Yeah, that’s what happened. Thus, the many “death threats” coming Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer]‘s way of late aren’t making Briana feel too secure about her safety. Just another day in the life of this Ride or Die Tryin’ couple.

But of course, Briana blames Christy McGinity for the death threats. Cause… why not?! Meanwhile, Elena Gant tries to talk sense into Christy’s head about smoothing things over with the ladies. But an utterly exhausted Christy is not up for another beat down by the ladies. Yes, she’s (sort of) ready to apologize, but her heart’s not in it.

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As Terra comes out of her C-section haze, she and Joe marvel at their new healthy baby boy. They won’t have genetics testing results for a few weeks, but do notice how different he already is from his sister Penny, who was born with achondroplasia (Terra’s form of dwarfism).

Cut to Briana at a gun shop. Because that transition makes total sense! Sporting her “Bonnie and Clyde, Ride Or Die Kind Of Girl” tank top, she tells the salesman she’s in the market for a concealed weapon. And she’s brought Elena along to practice firing off some rounds at the shooting range with her.

Elena‘s not so sure it’s a wise move to bring a gun into a home with small children – and a small mother who is basically mind-controlled by her husband, Kylo Ren. She reflects that in Russia, you just whomp someone in the face with your trusty baseball bat and call it square!

Briana claims that Matt has been receiving death threats ever since her time in the hospital. Briana says people want to “come steal my children away.” She blames Christy, who gave Briana’s family information while Briana was in the hospital.

Alright – let’s actually break this down a bit more. It’s important to note that Briana was in the hospital at the exact same time as her hideous and very troubling Matt & Briana: Ride Or Die special aired on Lifetime. I can safely say that this 2-part series – more than any other episode of LWLA – really pounded ALL of the nails into Matt’s coffin as an abusive, creepy sociopath who took no responsibility for his actions.

The series also highlighted how controlled Briana was by Matt, and more troubling, how carelessly she passed on her twisted norms to her child, Leiana. Those of you who watched it may understand why Briana and Matt received a certain amount of hate during this time, and afterward. (Those of you who didn’t watch the special – congrats! You were spared two hours of torture, and your TV screen likely remains uncracked.)

In any case, Briana is seeing none of these connections. She’d rather blame Christy because that’s the easy way out. She also doesn’t want to invite Christy to her upcoming “Sip and See” with Elena, but Elena argues that Christy deserves another chance. She’s been friends with this group for a long time (longer than Elena or Jasmine Sorge have, in any case), so they need to give her a chance. Briana disagrees. She only likes to give endless chances to people who serial cheat on her, like her husband. She has no time to be forgiving friends. Pffffffft.

Back at the hospital, Baby Boy Gnoffo is still nameless, as Terra and Joe can’t come to terms with the original name they’d chosen for him. Which is, I regret to inform you…D’Artanyan. If one googles this name, one comes up with the following top hits: Monster Hunter, Third Musketeer, and Future Therapy Patient For Life. Seriously – D’Artanyan?! I know baby naming is sacred and very, very personal. But thank the baby Jesus that Joe pumped the breaks on this name before it was too late!

Even when Tonya Banks comes to visit Terra in the hospital later, she’s like “Say WHAT?” (at least in her facial expression) when Terra sobs that she is not allowed to give her son this name. Blame it on hormones or a love for Game of Thrones – I don’t know which – but Terra is very attached to the name D’Artanyan, and can’t seem to come to grips with letting it go. But she’ll have to because Joe is putting the kibosh on it, STAT. He came up with the name initially, but sees sense now. On a sweet note, Terra does ask Tonya to be a godmother to her new son. Tonya is thrilled to accept.

At the pet store later, Tonya and Kerwin get a psychic reading on their dog (huh?), then question Angelique on her recent dating habits. Is she back with her ex-boyfriend? They know she is, but Angelique is staying tight lipped about it for now. She’s just as stubborn as her mother, and Tonya doesn’t like it!

Big sister Penny comes to meet her new baby brother at the hospital and, though she can’t speak yet, seems enthralled with the tiny little being before her. Awww. Terra hopes Penny and her brother, No Name, share as tight of a bond as she shares with her own brother. Terra and Joe discuss names again, but can’t get past Terra’s love of D’Artanyan. She’s been calling this baby D’Artanyan in her womb for nine months! Joe is like: This is a no, full stop. #ItAintHappening

At the florist, Briana and Jasmine arrange flowers for the Sip and See. After Briana reveals her plans to get a gun, Jasmine also expresses her concern. It seems like a drastic measure, no? But Briana is adamant that she’s getting a gun, and that’s that. Ugh. Briana also reiterates that she doesn’t want Christy at the Sip and See, which Jasmine understands, but encourages Briana to reconsider. She thinks Christy is cray-cray too, but deserves a chance to fix her relationships with the women.

It’s time for Terra and Joe to take their baby home, but he’ll have to go home without a name. Terra is pissed that Joe won’t let her have the name they originally agreed upon. Joe’s like “We can’t DO that to him!” He knows that D’Artanyan will be forever and always a no, no matter how much Terra whines. They finally discuss the name Grayson, which both of them agree fits. Thus, Grayson he shall be! Terra would like to sneak in D’Artanyan as Grayson’s second middle name, but that’s even a no-go in Joe’s book. Hey, Terra: Stop trying to make D’Artanyan happen! D’Artanyan is never going to happen.

At the Sip and See, Elena tells Tonya about Briana’s plans to get a gun. Tonya’s like, Oh hell no! “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people,” says Tonya, “And a dysfunctional family does not need a gun!” Little Boss is 100% on point here, and I am virtually high fiving her brass knuckled palm through the TV screen. Word.

Jasmine and Briana arrive with their families, and the ladies have fun passing the adorable babies around and, for once, calmly enjoying their time together. Briana thinks this peace is possible because Christy isn’t present. What she fails to realize is that Terra isn’t present either – which changes the level of sh*t stirring dramatically.

As the ladies sit down to tea, Tonya confronts Briana about her plans to buy a gun. She thinks it’s too scary around the kids. And putting a gun somewhere kids can’t reach means Briana can’t reach it either. Tonya thinks Briana should go for an alarm system and a taser. Briana is adamant that she needs “protection” due to the death threats against Matt, though. Um, here’s a thought: Maybe Matt can worry about protecting his own damn a$$?

Briana tells the ladies that Christy is to blame for the death threats. Not the crazy people making them, not Matt for inspiring crazy people everywhere to unite. Nope. Christy. She is Patient Zero. Elena and Jasmine wonder if Christy can ever get back in the good graces of the group? Tonya agrees. Briana doesn’t think these ladies understand her hatred of Christy because they’ve never been burned by her on the same level. She doesn’t have any forgiveness left for Christy. She also wishes Terra was here for backup! But she is willing to hear Christy out, which is perhaps a start?

Elena meets Christy out for lunch later that week to play peacemaker. Hmm. Sending out a postpartum mom of twins as the voice of patience and reason might be a bad move! They discuss the situation. Elena tells Christy she needs to apologize for bringing Plastic Martyr to Tonya’s photo shoot, for claiming “contusions” as the result of her bar fight with Terra, and for spreading gossip to Briana’s family while she was hospitalized. “I get it!” barks Christy, but she’s adamant about her contusions. She even plans to share her medical records with the group if that’s what it takes.

An exasperated Elena thinks Christy is acting like a child. Christy delusionally chirps, “I’m a peacemaker!” Elena, barely able to stop from laughing in her face, retorts, “No you’re not. You’re a troublemaker.” Christy sarcastically says she’ll apologize to everyone, but she’s not conceding on the contusions bit.

For her part, Christy is feeling bullied. Does Elena stop the other girls from calling her “Crusty?” No? Christy says Elena would have a total meltdown if she were called names by this group. Crying, Christy can’t quite believe the level of bullying that Terra (and now Briana) have sunk to. She doesn’t deserve this kind of mean spirited abuse, no matter what mistakes she’s made. Agreed.

But Elena has no time for Christy’s sarcasm, or her messiness anymore. She’s got two damn newborns at home, yo! She just hopes Christy doesn’t make another mistake by acting holier than thou whilst apologizing to the ladies. But she can’t control the delivery, or the outcome, of Christy’s apology in the end. She’ll just have to hope for the best…but expect the worst.

TELL US: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF TERRA AND JOE’S NAME BATTLE? IS CHRISTY CAPABLE OF SMOOTHING THINGS OVER WITH THE LADIES? OR HAVE THINGS JUST GONE TOO FAR? 

Photo Credit: Lifetime