On Vanderpump Rules last night Jax Taylor decided that, for once, he was gonna work the rumor-mill to his favor, and play a game of telephone with the story of Katie Maloney “motorboating the crotch region of a gentleman.” Yes, I just typed that. And yes, that is a direct quote. And yes, we will be using that phrase many more times through this recap. You’ve been warned!
Jax is recovering from his nose job, and as he deals with the debilitating pain of a deviated septum he realizes there’s been just one person who hasn’t reached out, who hasn’t checked in on his recovery: Katie. He broods over muddled ginger at the SUR bar, and every time he feels the bandage tape creating friction across his oily pores, his anger increases just a little bit: it goes from beer, to wine, to whiskey, finally distilling into pure moonshine. And then he snaps: how dare she! How dare Katie not only ignore him in his time of need, but how dare she choose Stassi Schroeder‘s side over his. And even worse, how dare she attempt to keep Tom 2 away from him, dammit! Besides, Tom 2 wants to be away from Katie – not Jax.
“A lot of things are going to come out that people are going to very shocked about. I’m really tired of being called a liar and a cheater,” Jax reveals. “I don’t mind being called the villain, because everything I do on the show is me, but there are other villains on the show who I start to call out. It’s going to get really dirty.”
Last night on Vanderpump Rules it was the the Grownups VS. Real Grownups. The latter, a cult led by Stassi Schroeder. Immediately upon entering your fashion IQ drops at least 20 points. On the other hand, the Grownups is led by Scheana Marie Almost Famous and you basically need to be brain-dead (or Jax Taylor) to gain entry at all. But they are friendship tattoos!
Straddling the middle is Tom Schwartz. He so badly wants to be a Grownup, but Katie Maloney has him trapped in an invisible net – no one believes him when he reports himself as missing and kidnapped to the police.
Here’s what Grownups do: they have panic attacks at their bartending job and flee the scene, sobbing. Here’s what Real Grownups do: they sit in a corner hate-watching a group of people and passive-aggressively snarking on them behind-their-backs, but never actually say anything to their faces. You know, kind of what I do while I watch this show! The grownup is real, the grownup struggle is realer.
While some people are hanging out on twitter hate-tweeting, Lisa Vanderpump is hanging out at one of her three restaurants with A-listers! Jennifer Laurence swung by PUMP this weekend where she had drinks and dinner with friends and then re-enacted Vanderpump Rules to awesomeness!
Jennifer, a longtime Real Housewives fan, strolled into the restaurant and was seated at a regular table. When Lisa, who was dining there for her birthday, spotted J.Law she immediately moved Jennifer to her personal table at the center of the garden.
Jennifer and pals drank Pumptinis and LVP Sangria all night and then posted a hilarious instagram spoof of the Vanderpump Rules cast. Let’s hope the newly single Jennifer took one for the team and hit on Peter Madrigal!
Scheana Marie just always hopes things will different. She just always hopes that her lovely co-stars on Vanderpump Rules will be better people than they are … you know sort of like she is! And Scheana is great – so great Stassi Schroeder is jealous of all the amazing things happening in her life. Definitely jealous of her singing career!
Stassi has outgrown everyone now, but Scheana, bless her heart, doesn’t understand what happened – Stassi used like her, right?! Wrong – what happened was that Stassi never liked Scheana or cared about her – but Scheana just doesn’t get it. She just wonders if Stassi wants her life?!
“I would never want to say that someone’s jealous of me and sound conceited but I think that everything I’m getting in my life right now is what she’s looking for,” Scheana explains. “So I think she’s maybe jealous of where my life’s going because she wants nothing more than to get married and have babies and have that happy life.” I think Stassi is just jealous of Shay, that magical, majestical manlump.
Last night on Vanderpump Rules, some people could not move on. There they were, frozen in time, unable to let go, as they swam through the Cocktail Of Denial.™ Somehow I think that should be SUR’s signature drink.
Oh Lisa Vanderpump – so kind, so forgiving, so understanding… WHY?! Stop That! Do not let them grovel in their Jax Taylor knitwear, bearing letters they begged their mothers to write in elegant calligraphy – you fired that Sangria-theiving James Kennedy, now stick to it! In the reoccurring theme of SUR, no one who is fired stays fired. Kinda like no one that has broken up stays separated for long. Case in point, Kristen Doute groveling to Tom Sandoval over a cable box and some ratty old clothes she got from Stassi Schroeder‘s goodwill box labeled: The Thin Days (Stassi looks great – I’m only joking about her referring to her “love pounds”).