Vanderpump Rules

scheana-marie

Watch What Happens Live was a love fest last night. Scheana Marie gushed over her misunderstood mean girl BFFs, explaining that we only see a small snippet of her friends and they are really good people! But do not expect any straight answers about her new boyfriend. Only Lala Kent is not allowed to keep things hush-hush. Marissa Hermer weighed in on all things Ladies of London and so much more!

Marissa, who now lives in the L.A. area, says she’s going to SUR next week and hopes to meet Lisa Vanderpump one of these days.

Vanderpump Rules season 5 cast

I love Vanderpump Rules, but there are just some plot points that don’t really add up to me. Maybe that’s just because I’m a naive purist who’s looking for way too much reality in my reality TV shows. I really do need to accept that a lot of what we get to see is not completely factual, but until then, I still have so many unanswered questions about Vanderpump Rules.

There is just so much going on with this show that drifts away from the show’s initial premise. To be honest, most of it has to deal with these restaurant workers having the funds for their shenanigans and/or the weird web of romance and friendship that everyone seems to be way too accepting of.

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James

Today I come to tell a tale about the World’s Greatest DJ, who was persecuted and stalked, mercilessly harassed, and run out of clubs, all because the world wanted to possess his art and his talent. Naturally, I speak of James Kennedy, The White Kanye, and the rapper on the run from his tormentor Jax Taylor. Such are songs of sorrow played out on Vanderpump Rules.

Oh, last night was a doozy, filled with Ariana Madix‘s infamous sulk and the slow emancipation of Scheana Marie as she suddenly blinked into the light as it dawned on her that Stassi Schroeder‘s power and possession was an elaborate ruse. If only Katie Maloney would see such signs, but alas she’s too busy painting squiggly black lines over the sunrise of truth.

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stassi-schroeder-scheana-marie-wwhl

As naive as this sounds, I was actually pretty surprised when Scheana Marie Shay and Mike Shay announced that they were getting divorced after just two years of marriage. Sure, they weren’t the strongest reality TV couple, but Scheana was always all about her marriage, so I figured it would last longer. Scheana’s off-again-on-again friend Stassi Schroeder claims that she did see the split coming and that she noticed a “red flag” before they officially broke up.

I’m not sure if Stassi noticed the “red flag” at the time, or if it was more of a “hindsight is 20/20” situation. Either way, as a complete outsider, I have to say that I noticed the same thing while I watched this season of Vanderpump Rules. Still, I can’t tell if it’s something I would have genuinely noticed on my own or if it’s just a case of confirmation bias on part. Either way, these two are dunzo and it was actually pretty obvious.

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james-kennedy

James Kennedy made his return to the clubhouse on Watch What Happens Live last night. Andy Cohen hasn’t had him back on the show since he and Vanderpump Rules co-star Lala Kent were on together, dropping F-Bombs and more in one of the most-bleeped episodes ever. He even opted to not drink at all during the show so that he wouldn’t slip. Andy also had breakaway bottles on hand, telling James that co-guest Bridget Everett will break one over his head every time he swears.

On the altercation with Jax Taylor at the end of last night’s episode, Jax Tweeted to slam James, saying he ran away like a little girl and called him a pussy. James responds, “Honestly what happened was I threw the drink back at him and he came running at me and slipped on the drink before he could get to me. The security guards were holding him down on the floor. I didn’t get kicked out. They were just trying to get me to safety before crazy Jax like killed me or something.”

kristen-doute

Now that Lala Kent isn’t around to be the resident target, Kristen Doute takes aim at  former boyfriend/door-spitter James Kennedy this week. On tonight’s episode of Vanderpump Rules, Kristen rounds up two of James’ rumored flings, Ellie and GG, to crash his big DJ gig and expose him for the cheater she hears he is.

Kristen and the crew sit back and watch the drama unfold as they confront James’ girlfriend, Raquel Leviss, telling her she’s delusional to think he’s loyal. Obviously things do not go well much to Kristen’s glee.  Tom Sandoval looks on in horror, knowing what kind of crazy is about to be unleashed.

Sherry does not approve of some of Jax's past

Aside from being eternally mystified by angel Brittany Cartwright’s ability to put up with Jax Taylor’s antics, another thing that made me question the staying power of their relationship was when Brittany’s mom Sherri Cartwright visited the couple when the Vanderpump Rules cast was roasting Jax for his birthday. Just like her daughter, Mrs. Cartwright let a lot of things slide when it comes to Jax’s behavior, but a lot of fans felt like she had way too strong of a reaction to the male hookup rumors and accused Sherri of being homophobic.

Luckily for Sherri, Brittany’s Pump Rules costars stepped in to defend her reaction and her support of the LGBTQ community. Unfortunately for Sherri, it didn’t seem like Sherri’s (possible) future son-in-law did much to have her back.

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Jax Gets Roasted

Really Vanderpump Rules has come down to a Fund-Rager and a contrived roast of Jax Taylor, which coincidentally happened while Brittany Cartwright‘s extra-crispy mama is in town? It’s so contrived. All of it. And it really frosts my lipstick.

But first, it’s Tom 1‘s party and everyone will cry if they want to, cry if they want to – you would cry too if these friends happened to you! The boys really got the birthday shafts, didn’t they – the girls got trips to Montauk and NASCAR, and they get made fun of and forced to do charity work. HA.

Well, Tom turned an indeterminate shade of 30 and celebrated not by raising awareness for himself or his attuned and wrinkle-free skin, but by inviting all of his friends to donate their easily-earned money to charity. Kristen Doute brought her crisp $20, handed it to the collection emcee and announced that now she has full-license to be bad for all eternity in exchange for this one good deed. Jax didn’t have that luck – his card was declined when he tried to give a measly $100. His karma, as always, remains, in despair.

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