Let's jump right in and get the absolute worst of it out of the way. Andy insisted on rehashing the stripper drama. Of course. We saw it all play out on TV – a penis (not Eddie's) in Tamra's ear and a boob (not Tamra's) in Eddie's mouth – and my eyeballs will never be the same.
Andy begged for all the tacky(Tamra's specialty) details.
Eddie said he was "blown away" over the penis to his wife-to-be's ear. Tamra shrugged it off, saying she certainly didn't enjoy it, unlike Eddie in Vegas. I refuse to talk about Eddie's boner again. Let's just say that Tamra's opinion of the incident definitely has not changed.
Melissa tries to convince us that bumping into Penny at dinner was a total shock, "The talk with Penny. Joe and I thought we were going out to a nice dinner. I had no idea she’d be there. We were just as surprised as you were to see her sitting at the bar." Biting.My.Tongue.
Katie's nervous about walking the runway in a wedding dress and – gasp! – lingerie. She feels self-conscious about her post-baby body and wonders if Joey Maes still finds her attractive. A friend tries to boost Katie's self-esteem, adding, "You're the mother of his child, I'm sure that's a thousand times sexier than just being his girlfriend."
Sticking to the same formula as last season, Vanderpump Rules will premiere on the same night immediately following RHOBH. "Yes pump rules is back….run for cover," Lisatweeted. It appears from the brief VPR preview that the same cast of characters are returning. All hail yummy Peter.
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Miami was all about mama drama. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team and go to an evil haunted mansion filled with the ghosts of friendship's (kitchen's) past. Or a Russian grocery store with the living embodiment of Julia Child's voice.
Things began last night with Lisa Hochstein's everlasting nightmare; an unpleasant reminder of the things we do for money… errrrr… I mean love. And boobs! Lisa's inlaws are in town and her mother-in-law, Marina, lives to torture her.
Marina doesn't appreciate Fembot's fully constructed fabulosity. If only she had read that instruction manual Lenny faxed over, but Marina doesn't do new-fangled. She also doesn't understand what exactly Fembot does. I mean she doesn't work and she just swans around advertising her son's reconstruction prowess. Was anyone else aware that Lenny was the best plastic surgeon in the world?!
Anyway, Lisa's other major drawback is that she doesn't cook and she's not Russian. Score 0 for the daughter-in-law from Canada! Among the many ways Marina tries to destroy Fembot is by force feeding her fried fish. The horror had Lisa needing Xanax and colonics for weeks. Fembot wonders if Marina will ever like her, but you can tell she really doesn't care! Nor does Marina for that matter, who still believes she runs the show. All shows. Maybe she should take over Bravo.
Teresa starts out explaining that Joe Gorga and Melissa need to learn the right approach to dealing with rumors when you're on TV. "Unfortunately when you're on TV, people want what you have. They want to be on TV too and they'll do anything to make it happen or they just want to take you down because they're sick of watching you. I get it. I've seen it happen now on every season of every Housewives show in every city. It's not fun to be the target, but it comes with the territory. The problem is when newer cast members join and get attacked, they can freak out like Melissa and Joey were. You have to stay united and refuse to let any strangers break you down. But I get that it's hard. It shouldn't be hard for family to believe family over strangers, but…"
I bet y'all didn't think Bravo could effectively squish all of Tamra Barney and Eddie Judge's wedding insanity into three hours worth of Bravo fluff. Heck, if you're like me, you may be wondering how they managed to draw out Tamra's OC Wedding into three long episodes. Well, whatever your thoughts, I hope you soaked in all the Disney princess magic of last night's "limited series finale." I love what this network tries to make "a thing." Stop trying to make fetch happen, Bravo! Sorry, I thought a Mean Girls reference was the perfect wedding gift for Tamra, as she's the original Housewives version!
Tamra's poor wedding planner Diann Valentine is getting frustrated and freaked out by the bride-to-be. First of all, Tamra doesn't have the place settings finalized, and she informs Diann that her wedding dresses won't be delivered until the morning of the big day…which is in 72 hours. Tamra can't be bothered by Diann's worries because she's got an appointment at the Pretty Kitty to get her Britney waxed. She's a Brazilian virgin, y'all! I'm shocked! Accompanying Tamra on her big day are her mom and two gay friends. While her mom waits with a rented bridesmaid in the lobby, Ricky and Julius are in the waxing room helping contort Tamra's legs for the hair ripping festivities.
That evening, Tamra and Eddie's family and friends are gathering for an outdoor rehearsal dinner. True to form, Tamra's brother is in attendance with his Mason of moonshine. Heather Dubrow doesn't do "communal booze in a jar" but Terry and Vicki Gunvalson find it super tasty. Tamra corners her brother about a moonshine ban for the wedding day, and he reveals that they will be partying to celebrate her big day with Eddie. A tearful Kenny shares that Eddie brings out the best in Tamra, and she apologizes for torturing him during their childhood. After they hug and make amends, Vicki feels the need to make a teary toast which is thankfully interrupted by a drunken Terry's inappropriateness. "Tongue!" he cries as Vicki goes fawns over Tamra mere centimeters from her friend's face.
Last night's episode had all of these attributes and more. Evelyn wants to placate her daughter's fears that her mother is reconciling with Chad. She reveals that she did text Chad that day for his birthday. She just wanted him to have a blessed day, but that's the extent of their chatting. Sure. Evelyn wants to know if her daughter was worried about her during the photo debacle. Her daughter basically calls her out and says she wasn't worried, and she reminds Evelyn that she totally put herself in that situation. Preach. Am I so much on auto-pilot with this crew that I missed the fact that Shaunie was producing a play about Basketball Wives? She thinks it will be a much needed positive spin for the brand. She's looking forward to seeing some scene run-throughs while she's in New York City.
Evelyn and Tasha go shopping and discuss Tasha's peace talk with Tami. Evelyn still isn't totally convinced that her friend has changed. She's knows Tami will always be one to cut a b!tch. For her part, Tami is meeting with a life coach in hopes of getting rid of her anger issues. She knows she won't turn into Mother Teresa overnight, but it's worth a try. Tami shares with her life coach Shaunie's "it could go really good or really bad" comment regarding Tami meeting Tasha a bazillion episodes ago. Really, VH1? This statement is now what constitutes an entire story line?