Weeks after bumping the Real Housewives of NYC, Bravo premiered the Real Housewives of Miami last night and so far, the reviews today have pretty much panned the show, but more on this later. The Miami franchise definitely felt like a mix between Basketball Wives and the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Is this a good mix you ask? Well, let’s find out!

On to the recap – the premiere episodes of the Bravo housewives are usually a bit ADD and all over the place but something about the RHMIA just seemed slightly more all over the place.

In the first scene, we are introduced to snob #1 Lea, a “people collector” who finds joy in collecting crazy people, as I breathe a sigh of relief that Lea wasn’t around pre-Lincoln days. Some of the people collected by Lea include rapper Rick Ross and former NBA hot mess star Dennis Rodman. In this scene, we also get a glimpse of drag queen Elaine Lancaster in the background. Elaine was rumored to have been a cast member back when the show was still titled ‘Miami Social Club.’ It will be interesting to see if Elaine is in a lot of scenes through out the season. So okay, not a big fan of Lea but what the hey! There are 5 more ladies left so let’s go!


Next up is snob #2 Larsa Pippen, who is Assyrian-Lebanese so please don’t bother speaking Spanish to her. No habla espanol! Larsa then channels her inner Camille Grammer by letting us know just how accomplished her hubby of over 12 years, former NBA star Scott Pippen, is. “My husband Scottie is a retired NBA player. He’s only won like six championships, all-star team like seven times, so he’s a pretty good basketball player,” says the humble lady. I’m guessing any minute now Larsa will let us know she doesn’t want to be in her husband’s shadow or shell or something.

Larsa has three boys and one girl, including four year old Justin, who might or might not be mommy’s favorite, you know, because he looks just like mommy. “I basically take care of Scottie Pippen and my kids,” states Larsa, not hesitating to use the first and last name in referring to her husband. “I have a really tough job,” she adds, going on to detail what 99.99% of mothers around the world do. But Larsa isn’t just any old mom, she also has to tackle shopping, working out, hanging with her friends and of course “look cute” at the same time. Later on, Lisa threatens to shoot her nanny so we can at least assume she has one nanny in addition to the maid that was shown working in the background of her home scene.

Next up is woo girl Adriana, a art dealer. Adriana has a 10-year-old son Alex from a previous marriage and a new fiance who had been lusting after her during her married years, and pounced on her 3 weeks after her divorce. How romantical. Adriana feels at home in Miami, where her beauty and assets are better appreciated. Okay, so now Bravo is 0 for 3 in the likability department but no need to panic yet, there are 3 more to go!

Cristy is the next housewife to grace the screen as the very proud Cuban American hits the beach with her sister and friend. Cristy has 3 kids with ex-husband of 11 years — former NBA player Glen Rice, and no this is not the Basketball Wives you’re watching. Cristy is single and reveals she and her ex hubby are no longer on the greatest of terms.

The three amigas – Larsa, Cristy and Adriana – decide to hit up Miami fashion week and Adriana is a) not happy to be one of the first ones to arrive and b) is surprised at the lack of a big crowd. Cristy doesn’t get why the wild one doesn’t realize this is Miami and not New York city. After sitting through the “engaged” Adriana drooling and making cat calls at the male models, the ladies head backstage where Adriana tries to get some models for the night. The fashion designer kindly lets her know he doesn’t run an escort service and out of the blue, Adriana decides to take the runway. Adriana goes on to give the best quote of the night when she states — “They were trying to make me look stupid. Like make me like the crazy one. You know, like the trainwreck so I showed them how it’s done.” Uh uh, you showed them Adriana! You showed them something all right. Adriana continues to strut her stuff on the runway while the other ladies point and laugh at the trainwreck in the making.

Alexia, aka “Cuban Barbie” is up next as she lets us know she is more than just a beautiful face. “There’s a lot more to me than just the physical beauty on the outside,” states Cuban Barbie. And these Miami ladies are definitely not lacking in the confidence department! Alexia has two kids from a previous marriage – 17-year-old Peter and 13-year-old Frankie. Alexia reveals her kids are going to need her forever, you know, because they can’t even decide on what to eat and darn it, Mama likes it that way! A quick silent prayer for those poor poor souls that will end up marrying Alexia’s sons, and spending a good portion of their lives trying to live up to their mama, though I still don’t think Alexia has anything on Caroline Manzo. Okay, so now 0 for 5. Feel free to start panicking Bravo.

Perhaps Marysol will end this losing streak. We are introduced to Marysol at her company The Patton Group. I’m guessing this scene is to show us just how busy Marysol is and she’s so busy yall, that she cannot even remember the day of the week. Marysol proceeds to do lunch with her male pals and she lets us in on a little secret. “I’m anti plastic surgery,” says the lady with the bloated face and inflated lips after her friend suggests she get a boob job. Uh uh. Marysol has no kids and has been divorced for 11 years. She does however have a younger beau in the form of Phillipe.

Move over Regina‘s mom from the movie Mean Girls! There is a cooler, hipper mom on the scene! We see Alexia campaigning for the coolest mom award while bonding with son Peter over breakfast. We find out 17-year-old Peter is getting ready to go solo on a cruise with his girlfriend, and mommy’s #1 worry? His diet. “I’m a little bit nervous about that cause I know he’s going to be stuffing his face,” states Alexia. He will be stuffing his face alright, with some Priscilla! The topic turns to underage drinking as Peter admits to his mom that he went to the club, bought a table and some bottles. Alexia doesn’t scold her son because it’s err a cultural thing. Alexia goes on to admit she does let her baby Peter get away with a lot at times. Ya think?

It is now time to meet the star of the show, and I don’t mean a person. I mean the face of Elsa, aka Marysol’s mom. I mean wowzers! What in the injectables hell is going on here? At this point, I’m pretty certain Elsa is my anti-plastic surgery. Marysol reveals her mom is a part time witch or was it spiritual advisor to the stars? I don’t recall. The ladies discuss Marysol’s love life and I just can’t with this scene. That face is too distracting.

Lea decides to take a break from collecting people to put together a dinner party for the ladies. Marysol is the first to arrive and describes Lea as a “queen bee” due to her bitchy leadership skills. All the other ladies arrive as the night begins with a cooking lesson. “The cooking lesson’s poker night for women – We get together, we drink, we talk a lot of sh*t and we learn how to cook,” says Larsa channeling her inner Lisa Vanderpump. The lessons begin with the ladies donning some chef hats and Marysol is not satisfied with the camera time her company has received as she proceeds to do the most shameless business promotional plugging in Bravo housewives history. Marysol writes the name of her company – ‘The Patton Group‘ on her chef hat. Keep it classy Mary, keep it classy.

The ladies head outside to eat during which Adriana, who might or might not be an attention whore, decides to tell a novela story about her first husband. But first, Adriana reveals she’s a runaway bride bringing back some flashbacks of that other runaway bride on that other franchise. Let’s hope “the runaway bride” isn’t Adriana’s only storyline this season. Back to the story as Adriana reveals her first husband not only cheated on her, but actually married a 17-year-old girl in Brazil who birthed him a child. Yikes.

Thoughts on the franchise – I truly don’t think any of these ladies very likable and don’t have any favorites yet but perhaps Marysol, Alexia and Larsa aren’t that awful. Marysol and Alexia do seem like nice people while Larsa does have a good sense of humor. Something about Adriana kissing up to Lea and even calling Lea her maid of honor was giving social climbing Taylor Armstrong. Larsa is like a perfect mix of Lisa & Camille. I’m not surprised she got the “favorite” award on Watch What Happens Live last night as she had some funny zingers all through the show. Fingers crossed that she will stray far far away from being Miami’s Camille. And speaking of WWHL, what the heck was that with Charo and Andy Cohen? Andy definitely looked taken back. And how old is Charo? Surely she has to be like 100 by now no?

Overall, I was a tad disappointed with the season premiere. It was just lackluster and all over the place. The ladies seemed more like parodies of housewives than the Bravo housewives I am used too. The show had too many over the top characters who seemed cartoonish at times and not relatable. I mean, not one character was very likable. Some were okay, but they were all pretty blah and somewhat annoying. And the reviews? They have all been pretty negative. There seems to be a general consensus that the show was definitely lacking.

For the first time, I think Bravo might have gotten it wrong with this cast. Just not the best mix. Bravo has admitted the show was originally called ‘Miami Social Club’ and wasn’t meant to be a housewives franchise. Well it definitely shows. Something was just off. Something was missing. But in the show’s defense, the debut episodes are usually a bit weird, so perhaps there is still hope for this franchise.


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