The third episode of the Real Housewives of Miami aired last night, and in case you’re wondering, it wasn’t much better than the two previous episodes. However, if there’s one thing to be learned from last night, it is that Elsa Patton is the real star of the show. Psychic witch readings? Drinking? Glamorous bedspread attires? Yes, I’ll take another shot of Elsa please!

The episode begins with Lea, Lea’s #1 Fan, and Marysol going over the successful charity gala Lea put together. So what are the ladies dishing about? If you guessed discussing how successful the event was and how it helped some poor kids from going to jail, you guessed wrong. Cristy is the topic of conversation as Lea can’t understand the audacity of anyone crashing one of her events. She runs Miami darn it! Lea decides the best way to deal with the issue is to make Cristy pay… Literally… As in via an invoice… That Lea will mail to her. A bit surprising considering Cristy has stated in her Bravo blogs that she and Lea were friends before the whole gala fiasco. But that doesn’t matter now as Lea’s verdict is final.


Next, it’s Cristy‘s turn to rehash the gala event as she meets up with fellow mean girl Larsa and some friends. As if it wasn’t bad enough that Cristy crashed the charity gala, but she goes on to trash the event. “She should pay me for what I suffered that night,” states Cristy. Perhaps Cristy needs to learn some party crashing manners from professional crashers the Salahis, who at least make certain to always speak highly of the events they crash. Cristy adds that she showed up to the event in “good faith.” Uh? What? Don’t get it either. The ladies then proceed to dance the night away. And is it just me or is there something uber annoying and very unlikeable about Cristy? I felt this way just minutes into seeing her on the premiere episode. Me thinks she has major unlikeability.

Adriana continues her habit of habitual tardiness by being 1 hour and 30 minutes late to the lunching she invited Lea, Alexia and Larsa to. Interesting because I specifically recall a Dr. Phil quote from years ago in which he stated that people who are habitually late to events tend to be attention whores. Okay, maybe that wasn’t verbatim but it was something along those lines. And yes, I might or might not have been a Dr. Phil show fanatic in the past. Adriana eventually shows up, gives a lame excuse, and all is well.

Next up, mommy dearest aka Lynn Curtin aka Alexia decides to wake her 17-year-old son Peter up for some breakfast. The special occasion you ask? Nothing really, just for being mommy’s precious baby. While eating outside, Alexia even goes on to cut Peter’s food for him. The two then proceed to have a convo that went something like this –

  • Peter: Mom, why do I talk like a douche?
  • Alexia: I don’t know baby but you are perfect the way you are my little model. But can we please talk about the ring you bought Priscilla?
  • Peter: Right, I bought her a $300 charm. But it was really a $600 ring. I used my money to buy it. But I really used your credit card.
  • Alexia: Hahaha so you lied to me? So precious.
  • Peter: Okay. Right I lied and?
  • Alexia: Well, I just hope Priscilla realizes what a great boyfriend she has. You know you are perfect right? And neither Priscilla nor any other woman will ever be able to live up to your mommy. You know this don’t you? Right? Right?
  • Peter: Eww, shut up mom. You’re sooo stupid. You suck. I need $10,000 for a DJ.
  • Alexia: Hehehehe, you’re so precious Peter. Whatever you want. Mommy loves you.

And next we embark on our first RPP – Rich People Problem of the episode. Larsa needs her hubby Scottie to set a budget for her lil brother Sammy, who just turned 16 and now needs a car from his rich NBA bro-in-law. Larsa throws out some subtle suggestions to Scottie. “A Lexus, Mercedes, Range Rover, Honda?” asks Larsa, as Scottie decides on a Toyota truck and an under 30k budget. Must be nice. Scottie then gives his wife some good news – he is going into the basketball hall of fame. Larsa is happy and wants to know if this means she gets a shiny new gift, you know, a puppy or jewelry or something, while the kids can’t wait to ride to school in a limo! Though I’m not quite sure I see the correlation.

Adriana continues to butt heads with her artist Marcos Marin, whom she accuses of just farting around instead of working hard to produce the 37 pieces she asked for. “Marcos and I have worked with the Prince Albert of Monaco and he was able to deliver that,” brags Adriana of working with Marcos, who’s signature painting style seems to be portraits of famous/rich people with design lines scribbled through them (though the paintings are kinda nice no?). Adriana is super pissed because Marcos has yet to complete the paintings of her VIP guests, though as we’ll find out later, there might be a method to Adriana’s madness or business strategy after all.

And finally, it is time for the star of the show to make her grande arrival on our TV screens. Please welcome witch Elsa! Marysol takes her beau Phillipe to meet her hungover mom, and you know what they say, a woman’s mother is a reflection of how she will look when she gets older. Though for some odd reason, Phillipe doesn’t run for the hills as I expected. So I’m guessing he truly loves Marysol, or perhaps he just needs a green card. But what the hay! Phillipe appears to be sweet and even compliments Elsa’s mublank attire ( a combination of a mumu and a blanket).

“You know what, I hate to tell you but most things look good on me,” replies Elsa. And yes they do! Okay, maybe not those things injected into your face, but everything else is a for awesome! The great Elsa quotes don’t end there as she later states, “I’m not much of a drinker, but once I start drinking, I feel gooood.” Phillipe continues to do an excellent job at hiding his fear, minus that bathroom break to let out a quiet scream. We also discover Elsa’s a part time psychic/witch who doesn’t do fake flowers.

Larsa and her baby bro go car shopping as Sammy tries to land himself a babe magnet. They go out for a test drive, as ‘Lars’ quickly discovers her baby bro cannot drive. But who cares? They head back to the dealership and Sammy becomes the proud owner of a $24,800 Toyota FJ cruiser, as I discover that rich people do not believe in negotiating. Sighs – must be nice indeed.

It is now time for the gallery opening event as the guests begin to arrive. Larsa and Cristy show up, and Larsa jokingly wants to know why her portrait is not up on the wall, you know, since she’s like super duper cute, though I’m not really sure she was joking. Lea arrives in a lace vomit inducing Lady Gaga reject attire to go with her rhinestone studded glasses. Though in Lea’s defense, an art gallery show with people drinking heavily is probably the only ideal event for her outfit. Back home, Adriana is still getting ready while her event is well underway. Adriana arrives eventually and is very pleased with all the art work despite the fact that the artist only completed about half of the 37 pieces.

Lea comes across her art portrait and pretends to be surprised. In her interview, Lea reveals she was the one who advised Adriana to do more portraits of the people that will be attending the show. “So now, I have to buy it don’t I?” laughs Lea. Perhaps Adriana isn’t so stupid after all. Underneath that groupie exterior is a smart business woman. The party continues as Cristy and Larsa proceed to exit early due to Larsa being bored at not being able to look at a portrait of herself on the wall. On the way home, the mean girls poke fun at Lea’s outfit, the art show, world hunger and probably anything else they could make fun of.

It is now time for the surprise! Some art guy steps up to draw some gibberish drawings on a floor canvas, while I continue to await the real surprise. Oh, that was the surprise? Okay, allrighty then. While Yves is painting, Marcos’s friend Tommy gets his panties in a bunch and begins to fume, stating Adriana shouldn’t have had another artist at his friend’s show. Perhaps a valid point but Tommy gets out of hand and out of control as he proceeds to confront Adriana at her event, making an unnecessary scene in front of a crowd.

While Adriana could have handled the drama better, I don’t blame her for reacting the way she did. This guy was simply out of line, I mean is he Marcos‘s lover or something? He was way too dramatic. Wow. Adriana’s partner Raphael scolds her, Lea feels she overreacted, someone steps on the gibberish canvas painting, and the episode ends.


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