Mob Wives Finale Recap: Uncivilized Discussions and Rooftop Beatdowns!

It’s the bleeping finale of Mob Wives, and I know you’re all just as excited as I am! Carla is worried about what will happen now that Joe is out of prison, and Renee revels in her new-found Junior-free freedom. But who cares about that? Drita and Karen Throw. It. Down. in a scene that makes Tamra Barney throwing her sis and desist letter in Jeana Keogh’s face look like two pals hugging after a picnic with unicorns and kittens. It’s fabulous.

Karen Gravano calls her ex-boyfriend and baby daddy Dave to talk about her recent time in Staten Island. He tells her not to get caught up in the drama and to keep doing what she’s doing in regard to her book because, you know, “haters gonna hate.” Is Dave an alias for The Situation? Because he sounds a lot like Mike Sorrentino. Karen expresses regret that her daughter is still in Arizona and asks Dave if he’d ever consider coming back to New York. The pair seems to be positively working on their relationship.

Renee Graziano heads to her therapist, and she seems genuinely happy that Junior is out of her house and out of her life. Her therapist looks a tad skeptical…can you blame her? Therapy has taught Renee how to manage her temper and pick her battles. She feels very “centered.” Perhaps she should pass her therapist’s contact information on to Drita.


Carla speaks on the phone with just sprung from the slammer husband Joe about his recent weekend with their kids. He got a hall pass from the halfway house and was able to spend time with the twins while staying with a friend for a few days. He says he had a great time, but the children definitely outlasted him. Joe knows that Carla has been and continues to be concerned about his ability to rebuild a relationship with his kids. She doesn’t argue, and says that on a concerned scale of one to ten, she’s about a nine and a half.

Drita‘s friend Nicole comes over to have coffee with Drita. Drita fills her in on the latest drama with Karen and how Karen gave Drita the first chapter of her book to read. Like every other normal, level-headed person, Nicole thinks Drita must be so worked up because of the awful stuff she read in Karen’s book. Nope. Drita tells Nicole that she hasn’t even read it and goes on an expletive-filled tirade as to why she refuses to read it. Nicole nervously nods, clearly not wanting to show that Drita is could be mad over nothing. Drita also accuses Karen of sleeping with an ex-boyfriend while she was still dating him. Drita admits, “I don’t know what she’s planning on writing about, but…” Geez Louise! I realize that Drita doesn’t trust Karen, and I get that. But seriously lady, grab a glass of wine, draw a bubble bath, and take 10 minutes out of your evening to skim the damn chapter figure out if your anger is even warranted!

Renee and Karen meet for lunch where Karen reveals that she gave Drita a copy of the first chapter of her book. Renee basically thinks that Karen and Drita’s friendship was already irreparable and Karen shouldn’t continue to be the only one making an effort. Yes, I got all of that information from Renee saying, “Karen and Drita’s friendship is bleep,” and “Either you’re friends or you were never friends…if this is a friendship, figure it the bleep out or move the bleep on. And get the bleep out of my circle!” Preach it, girl! I should be a mafia translator. Karen has gone from “I just wanted her to read my chapter so she’d know there’s nothing bad in it” to “If Lee wants to bleep in my bleeping skull then I’ll…” and “I’ll bleeping kick in her bleeping window to get back my chapter” in a mere 2.5 seconds. That has to be some kind of record. Irrelevant observation: I love that every time Renee uses “you” to refer to multiple people, she says, “yous.”

So I’m sure I’ve seen the outside of Drita‘s house this season, but I don’t really remember it. It looks like a very lovely suburban home in any quiet neighborhood of Pleasantville, U.S.A. My question: why in the world does she need the extensive video surveillance system she was checking a few scenes earlier when Nicole rang her doorbell? An upset Drita calls Carla and the two plan to meet for drinks ASAP. Drita is on the verge of tears as she informs Carla that she’s learned something about Lee that will change her life.

Apparently, Drita took her daughter Aleeya for the first time to a hair salon that Drita sometimes frequents. Upon arriving, one of the employees tells Drita that Aleeya is welcome to watch television in another section of the salon while Drita is getting her hair done. WHAT? How does this bleep know her daughter’s name, especially since her daughter had never been to this salon before?? When confronted, the employee makes a dreaded “pause motion” before admitting she met Drita’s daughter once because she had dated a good friend of Lee’s. Because that story wasn’t good enough, Drita later phoned the salon’s owner to inquire about the worker’s dating history. The owner confirmed that a few years back, the salon employee had dated a man with a tribal tattoo (strike one, Lee) and…a new baby. Strike two! Drita breaks down in tears. Lee is a convict and a cheater? I’m shocked. Strike three, Lee…and you are (potentially) out. As Drita says, it’s a good thing that Lee’s bleeping bleep was in jail when she found out this news. Carla can relate because she was in a similar situation with Joe, hence why he spends his down time from the halfway house at a friend’s place instead of his wife’s home.

Drita consults with an attorney, and I could have sworn he called her “Dorito” when he shook her hand. The lawyer is a human Huckleberry Hound as he listens to Drita’s relationship woes and offers options as to what she could do next. Drita is worried that Lee could be spiteful if she served him papers and she leaves the office to try to figure out her next move.

Carla meets up with her friend Eleanor and explains her current situation with Joe. She expresses concern over a joke he made. Joe told Carla that if he couldn’t find his own place after his time at the halfway house, she shouldn’t be surprised if he showed up on her doorstep. Eleanor doesn’t think that sounds like the worst thing ever, but Carla in no way wants to be roommates with her ex.

Drita can’t handle her recent revelation, especially not in addition to her (re)brewing feud with Karen. She calls Karen and invites her to a girls’ night with all the ladies. Hopefully, from Drita’s tone, Karen realizes she’s going to get more smackdown and fewer cocktails. Drita proceeds to call the other women, and Renee, the veteran smackdown queen of her day, I’m guessing, immediately asks if she should wear heels or sneakers. Smart lady. Drita assures her that heels are definitely appropriate as “that bleep will be taken off anyway.” Fight club fashion advice at its finest. Renee responds a big hells yes to the event as she “loves the bleeping drama.”

Drita heads out to the pow-wow wearing sensible flat sandals. Renee is approaching the evening much like a WWF fan would approach a wrestling match. The ladies nervously banter while waiting for Drita. Karen (really, is she that clueless??) wonders if it’s a celebration in her honor for finishing chapter one of her tell-all. Renee says it best. She hopes “one of these bleeps is bleeping Mary Poppins with a bleeping umbrella” because it’s a long way down from this rooftop bar.

Drita arrives and wants to hash out some issues with Karen, mainly of the Lee variety and how Drita didn’t date Lee until long after he and Karen were done. Karen states that while she never thought Drita did anything like hook up with Lee while he was with Karen, she did think that, as a friend, Drita should have told her when the pair first got together. And therein lies the issue…Drita didn’t think she and Karen were friends anymore once she started dating Lee. Drita relates to the group that when she and Karen were friends, Karen wasn’t even with Lee anymore, she was with Bleep. Finally a bleep that isn’t masking an expletive, but rather the name of some dude who doesn’t want his name involved in this mess. No, no, no….Karen corrects Drita. She was still in a relationship with Lee, she was just cheating on him with Bleep. I hope Bleep makes an appearance at the reunion.

The main point of the contention seems to be that Drita believed Lee and Karen had broken up earlier because she knew Karen was with other men. Karen maintains that she was still with Lee, she was just cheating on him constantly. So, and not to bleeping side with Drita, but why would Karen care how long after the Karen/Lee break-up Drita waited to date Lee? Karen didn’t seem to want to be with him at the end of their bleeping relationship anyway. I get my answer from Karen…it’s about friendship, you bleeping moron. Renee points out that she could give a bleep about this timeline argument…right back at ya, sister.

Carla makes an excellent point, perhaps Karen thought she and Drita were better friends than they actually were. And being such a smart girl, Carla knows better than to say this to Karen, but instead saves the insight for her interview. Karen wants everyone to know, it’s not about bleeping Lee, it’s about friendship (see above). She doesn’t give a bleep about Lee. In fact, you could bleep, bleep, bleep, and bleep Lee and she couldn’t bleeping care less. Wow. I don’t even know what words some of those bleeps were supposed to be! Well bleeped, Karen! Bottom line, Drita was Karen’s girl even though Drita didn’t talk to Karen anymore because she’d moved to Arizona. Karen is consumed with Drita’s “betrayal” while Drita is obsessed in establishing her timeline so she’s not viewed as a boyfriend stealer. Drita then pulls out the big guns…not only did Karen cheat on Lee with Bleep and Dave, she also bleeped Drita’s then-boyfriend while with Lee. No bleeping way! Karen takes great offense to this statement, as she claims she did NOT bleep Drita’s boyfriend at the time…she only made out with him. Of course, she denies the bleeping accusation while charging Drita for “calling her out.” Oh no she didn’t!

Renee is the queen of facial expressions while Carla calmly moves her head back and forth as if she’s watching an intense tennis match. Karen lunges at Drita who retaliates by throwing some candles? Drinks? Something. Stuck between the two women, poor Renee and her Spanx are put front and center (literally) in the ensuing brawl. Drita “blacked out” and once poor Renee is freed from the hair-pulling sandwich, there is a great deal of swearing and violent death threats hurled between Drita and Karen. Scene. With that, the season draws to a close. Thank you ladies. Here’s looking forward to a bleeping awesome reunion!