Dear Bravo, allow me to introduce myself. I watch virtually every reality show you have to offer, whether it’s Top Chef or Flipping Out. I don’t require much, but I would appreciate if you didn’t insult my intelligence. On last night’s “episode” of Real Housewives of New York, I saw Luann bond with Kelly and teach her daughter to drive. I witnessed Ramona compete with Avery over who was busier. Jill also got to visit her daughter in college (coincidence?). Sonja hosted another party she could attend scantily clad, and Cindy? Well, Cindy was present to make one gross comment. This was not an episode…this was a bunch of scenes from the cutting room floor mixed in with Sonja’s party. You normally have a name for this…it’s called Lost Footage, and I don’t like being falsely lured into an episode. Thank you and take care.

Sonja is hosting a burlesque party where she will also be performing. Ramona and Avery join her shopping, and poor Avery admits that she doesn’t want to attend a party where “adults are dressed like that.” She clearly wants to be invisible as her mother brings out a rhinestoned corset and dresses as an over-sexed pelican. The sixteen-year-old in me wants to disappear with her. There is a sales person, and I’m thrilled there is a unisex term for retailers. The sales person was either a man, a woman, or a woMan, but regardless, everyone is in agreement that said person is Sonja’s twin.


Jill goes to visit Ally at college, and I’m guessing that after this visit Ally will be transferring to a school on the West Coast. Jill questions her daughter’s decision to take a Spanish film class and may have had a mild coronary when Ally says that she’s taking a class on sexual theory and would love to be a photographer and sex columnist. Jill might combust…oh the ratings that would bring! The mother-daughter duo go shopping, and Jill reveals she’s a better mirror for Ally than an actual mirror. And maybe she is…she didn’t let Ally come out of the dressing room long enough for me to determine that for myself. I like Ally a lot, and she’s a much stronger person than I am. After that bout of retail therapy, I’d literally be in…therapy.

Luann is teaching Victoria how to drive (in an iced over parking lot, no less) and Luann pulls a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do moment where she makes Victoria buckle up but acknowledges she always forgets to wear a seatbelt. Victoria obliges her mother because she’s “responsible” although I am guessing her former prep school would beg to differ.

Avery meets her mom after school, and complains that the following week will be a hell week for her due to five tests. Not one to be one-upped by her sixteen-year-old (you remember the party competition from the last two weeks), Ramona basically tells Avery that her mini-me has no clue what constitutes a hell week. In fact, because she’s going to be so busy, Ramona has planned ahead and created an Avery file in preparation of Avery’s upcoming PSATs, because that test is important. Seriously, as in, Ramona will make Avery a really healthy breakfast that morning and usher her out the door with a brand new box of No. 2 pencils…oh wait. One, kids these days probably take that test on computers, and two, duh, mom, Avery’s already taken the PSATs and gotten back her results. Oops. Well, at least Ramona can save that folder for SATs and college applications. Ramona also finds it funny that Avery is such a parent…wondering when she and Mario will be home, eating dinners alone while her parents are out at parties. It’s so cute!

Luann is proud of her friendship with daughter Victoria because she doesn’t think it crosses the line of “buddy-buddy.” She has found a good balance with their relationship, and Victoria totally respects her. Yes, the same Victoria who is screeching at breakneck speeds through the ice laden parking lot as her mother yells in fear. Mad respect.

Avery reads a paper she has written about her mother being a role model, and it brings tears to Ramona’s crazy eyes. Avery seems to have a good head on her shoulders and the pair clearly, beyond the normal teenage bickering, have a good relationship.

Chris March visits Sonja and quickly points out that she is wearing her tutu backwards. He seems confused by the concept of the show, and I can’t say I blame him, as it’s all Eminem and Gaga with a piano boy. Okey doke. Sonja admits she originally tried on her corset upside down which left her girls hanging out in the great wide open…which isn’t good as her nipples point east-west. Tee. Em. EYE! Ramona arrives bearing pinot grigio and after that last revelation, I’d like a glass or three please. Sonja rehearses the burlesque act with her assistant (um, I gathered from last week she’d scaled back on her “help”), and now it’s Ramona’s turn to look confused. Sonja is clearly poking fun at the other ladies, but it’s neither malicious or overt–I can’t wait to see how this plays out in its entirety.

Kelly and Luann meet for drinks and girl talk. Kelly could talk to Luann about boys for HOURS and Luann is convinced that Kelly will find her Prince Jacques next time she heads to Central Perk for some coffee and banter with Gunther. This entire scene is awkward, in my opinion. Kelly is giggly and reminds me of Kristin Wiig’s Gilly character on SNL. Luann ignores the oddness and basks in the adoration coming from her companion. Kelly wants to know a few things…”like you were so not wife-like with your jet-setting and traveling with Count Chocula, while I was at home, being an actual wife. (DIG). I can’t relate.” “Dahling, that’s not being a wife, that’s being a housewife.” (DOUBLE DIG). And ironically it’s what they all claim to be given, oh, I don’t know, the TITLE OF THE SHOW. The second thing Kelly needs to know: as Luann is always so cool and unaffected (cough, cough), has she ever been rattled? Hmmm…perhaps when her daughter got kicked out of school? Maybe when her cast mate tweeted a picture of Victoria with some weed? Surely when refereeing the recent Moroccan vacay? Um, no…Luann has been rattled, but it was when she was attending the baptism of the King of Greece’s grandson and she had to meet the lovely Prince William. Are you kidding me? So, Lauren, what is your most embarrassing moment? Well readers, it’s when I won the lottery and I couldn’t decide whether to have dinner with Matthew McConaughey or Brian Williams. Totes embarrassing. Give me a break, lady!

Sonja is preparing for her party dressed as a tampon the white swan while her pal Tina is a slutty female Popeye. Some poor kid (I could be wrong, but I think it’s the foreign houseguest from several episodes back whose parents sacrificed his innocence for a free trip to the States) is forced to clean up after Sonja’s incontinent pooch.

Luann meets with her music producer, and Jill arrives to give her advice on the track…as she deserves the credit for the popularity of Money Can’t Buy You Class. Jill pretends to like what she hears, and I want to shake her. How could you not be loving what you hear??? I had to listen multiple times to get the lyrics right, but I guarantee you that William Shakespeare is wishing he were here to collaborate with the Countess. Enjoy: “Attention: Jill bring your jewelry, Cindy bring those crystals. Ramona bring that Pinot. Sonja, her man. Kelly, the jelly beans, Alex and Simon. And I’ll bring the diamonds.” Make sure you read it in a breathy voice to get the full effect. Grammy guaranteed.

It’s time for Sonja’s salute to the arts, and Jill states that she’ll be there for her friend who’s going through a tough time…even though Jill is confused by the many costume parties thrown by Sonja and (given her current situation–BANKRUPTCY, PEOPLE!) wonders where she gets the money to throw such shindigs. That Jill, such a supporter. Ramona arrives dressed like the girl who gets cut in half during magic shows, and Jill can’t believe Avery let her out of the house. She’s a nice friend. After giving Simon the cold shoulder a few times, Jill finally agrees to talk to him, with Bawby as chaperon. As much as his wardrobe gives me the heebie jeebies, Simon seems sincere, although Jill won’t let him get a word in edgewise. Simon apologizes and says he’s “ending all transgressions” and Jill is big enough to “accept it and let it go” while continuing to tell Simon she wants no more of Simon’s “internet sh*t.” Because that is letting it go. Just a sidebar, but during this scene, Simon tweeted, “So watch this scene and compare the person I sat down with versus the person whose interviews are cut into it. Are they the same person???” I, by no means, think that is mean tweeting, but geez, just don’t even give Jill the ammunition!

The show begins, and it had better be good because there are French families and royalty in attendance. Sonja’s boytoy artist Brian plays a coat rack for the opening act as the performer strip teases down to her pasties. Sonja and Tina take the stage, and I now get the Gaga-Eminem thing…they are pseudo rapping back and forth while dressed like a Little Monster. Jill and Cindy (oh, she’s on this episode?) are beyond rude at Sonja’s performance. When Sonja references the “snitches” Jill is quick to think Sonja’s referring to her. Cindy, likewise, makes a super classy comment that Sonja sucking golden hot dogs (I won’t even type her crude meanness) didn’t work out so well, as you know, she’s filed Chapter 11. What grown women talk this way?? Shame on you, Jill and Cindy. With friends like these… I will say Ramona, Alex, and Luann seem very supportive of Sonja’s dramatic interpretation, and so does Jill–in her interview–when she talks about how fun Sonja is and what a great spirit she is and how she’s going through such a hard time and JILL’S HERE FOR YOU, SONJA!!–clearly Jill has forgotten that she is being filmed all the time. That’s what that crew was doing at the burlesque show, Jill. 🙂

Next week, Luann films her video (YES!), and Cindy takes a conference call over lunch in Sonja’s home…not good. Luann and Ramona have a confrontation that ends in Luann storming out after Ramona brings up the Count’s rumored infidelities.

On WWHL, Alex McCord and Carson Kressley join Andy in the Clubhouse. The drinking game word is Simon. The poll question is which NYC housewife needs medication now? Last time it was Jill, could she be a two-time winner in this category? Alex tells a caller she’s seen no evidence of Simon’s mean tweeting, and Carson agrees to give Simon some fashion advice, but it will have to wait till after the show, as it could take a while. Andy does a telanovela of Alex’s facial expressions this season, and I must admit she’s a better sport than I can imagine most of the women being.

Angel, the pole dancing, super fan Granny from Louisiana calls in and asks Alex if she ever strips for Simon. Let me file that under “Things I Don’t Care to Know.” Angel may or may not have been shooting doubles during the drinking game. The game is CarsIN or CarsOUT and Carson must critique outfits with blurred out faces, while Alex must guess who wore the outfit. Awkward! Carson rails on both outfits (and I use that term loosely) worn by Alex. Poll results are in and 28 percent think Kelly needs meds, with Alex not far behind at 26 percent. Alex is stunned, but it’s kind of funny. Mazel!


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