Basketball Wives Recap: Phallic Fun in Miami, Battles Brewing Abroad

On last night’s Basketball Wives, Royce’s relationship is questioned by Suzie, and Jen and Evelyn channel their inner Jenna Jamesons while planning a divorce party for Jen. Shaunie decides to surprise her friends (that would be “everyone except Royce”) with a trip to Italy where Tami puts Meeka in the hot seat. First Jersey Shore, then Basketball Wives? I’m sure Italy HATES us.

Meeka and Jen meet up to discuss Jen’s blind date in New York. Jen admits that she was nervous at first, but overall she had a really good time. They relive the statement when Jen accidentally said she doesn’t like big things in her mouth, and Meeka thinks it’s the quiet ones you have to watch, because, you know that whole “lady in the streets” mantra.

Jen and Evelyn have a wine night to catch up on Evelyn’s reunion with her father and Jen’s date. Evelyn is very surprised that Meeka set up Jen, and feels her attempt at matchmaking proves that Meeka “tries too hard to be down.” She doesn’t think that Meeka knows Jen well enough to know what type of guy would be well-suited for her…and who sets up their (barely) friend up on a date with someone with the same name as said friend’s husband? Evelyn wants to know if Jen’s hit him yet..?? Does she mean doing the dirty diddle or physical assault? My bad, she means has Jen called him. No, she hasn’t, so I’m guessing it’s a negative to sex and violence as well.


Royce tags along with Meeka and Suzie luxury car shopping (seriously?), and she feels the ladies (I’ll use that term loosely) have an ulterior motive for including her. But first things first, what in the tacky heck is Royce wearing? No really? WTH did she have on??? Suzie ambushes Royce about how quickly her new relationship with Brian is progressing. Royce stands up for herself and her new man of the season…she’s big girl and can handle herself, thanks for the concern. After all she’s not getting any younger so she needs to speed up the process. Poor car salesman. He knows he’s not getting any commission out of this motley crew, perhaps because Royce is dressed like a slutty aerobics instructor (oxymoron?), complete with Larry Byrd style socks…keeping the “basketball” in “Basketball Wives” and I respect that.

Shaunie, Evelyn, and Jen pool it up, ironically at the pool she shares with her soon to be ex-husband. For process service purposes she got his address, and he lives in the building next door, although he has no idea they are neighbors. Jen requests a divorce party complete with hot single men and lots of liquor. Sounds like par for the course. Jen wants to hook up, and so what if the party happens before her actual divorce is final. Shaunie isn’t sure Jen needs a “wham bam thank you ma’am” but perhaps “a little boo boo” couldn’t hurt. Evelyn suggests grab bags filled with penises for party favors. Sounds like there’s a field trip to the porn store in the not so distant future!

Brian and Royce are on a date, but Suzie calls Royce saying she and Meeka are nearby and want to come by and interrogate meet Brian. Brian owns an entertainment company which organically begs the question, “Do you sell drugs?” No, he’s a business man. “How many times have you been in jail?” Just once…it was a misunderstanding. Aren’t all prison stints? “Are you married?” Nope and never have been. “Why are you with Royce?” Good gracious, Suzie! Give it a rest. Brian excuses himself, and Suzie says her concern stems from the fact that Brian focuses more on Royce’s vagina rather than her face. It makes Suzie think “he’s thirsty.” Um, ew and ew. And ewewewewewewewew.

Pleasure Emporium! I called that one. Jen and Evelyn are playing with the merchandise which creeps me out for the person who will actually buy it. But not so much, because I’m guessing the person buying the giant, pink, smiling vibrator isn’t too concerned with who has been man-handling (literally) the device pre-purchase. Evelyn is like a kid in a candy store–nipple clamps for the goodie bags! Evelyn schools Jen in all things erotica. Jen says it best, “In the world of dildos, I’m in preschool, and Evelyn has graduated college cum laude.” The two decide the party will be co-ed (um, wasn’t that decided at the pool?), and they discuss invitations. Royce won’t be getting one. Shocker! (porn store pun–woohoo!) Evelyn suggests they get both male and female strippers so everyone’s entertained. Jen admits she’s more excited to see the girls disrobe. Don’t judge.

Evelyn and Shaunie discuss a girls’ trip, not to an island though because that’s so typical. Shaunie is set on Italy for fashion and food, and again Royce doesn’t make the guest list. Evelyn is cool with inviting Suzie. Suzie’s “good times”, but she doesn’t need to know if Jen finds a dude and manages to hook up–Suzie’s still a gossip. Evelyn tells Shaunie to get prepared as the girls will be getting white boy wasted ever night of the vacay. That will definitely be worth watching.

Brian takes Royce mini-golfing and right off the bat she’s disappointed. Doesn’t he know she’s more adventurous that this? I may start drinking every time Royce says the date is “boring.” On second thought, I don’t want to be hungover tomorrow. Royce tells Brian the date is so boring she’s going to start whining. Start? She lets him know that ski-diving would have been way better. Brain leads her to a bench where he has wine and roses. Royce’s father’s voice is ringing in her ears, and she starts to think that maybe she should be playing the field and not the mini-golf course. She relays this revelation to Brian who doesn’t seem the least bit upset or worried. Brian is confident she’ll want to be with him…and I know that for certain because I read his sub-titles.

Evelyn is drinking champagne at the shop with Noe. Evelyn has learned from a friend that Jen did a radio interview in Cleveland. In the interview, Jen dished that Chad’s not to be trusted, he’s a media whore, and Jen can’t believe Evelyn would want to get back into the same situation she’s been in with men in the past. Yikes. Evelyn is worried about talking to Jen about it, since Jen isn’t very talkative…I think pulling teeth would be more accurate. Noe is excited that Jen’s been bumped from the a spot as a bridebitch, making room for him. He believes Jen is clearly jealous, and Evelyn reveals that Jen never called to congratulate her on her engagement, and even Tami did that. Evelyn wants to get her hands on that interview to see if what she’s heard is true. She will wait to confront Jen about it in Italy, because that will make for a more fun trip, and of course VH1 wants to make sure there is enough drahmz for next week’s episode.

Shaunie calls her minions friends together, and Jen, Evelyn, and Suzie meet her for dinner. She reveals the surprise trip to Italy with a cake in the shape of Italy, or a penis, if you think like Suzie. Shaunie reveals it will be a Royce-free time, and Suzie’s mute. Evelyn doesn’t have a problem with Meeka going, even though Meeka’s a “li-ah.” Jen is excited about getting some Italian sausage on the trip, and the girls really want to learn how to say “f**k” in Italian to make meeting nice young gentlemen easier. Classy. Jen is pumped about going to Rome as there is something so hot about the Colosseum and gladiators. While Jen has never been with an Italian, Suzie announces she went to high school in New Jersey, so you do the math.

Tami and Jen go on a walk, and Jen fills in Tami on the Italy plans. Tami feels badly about not inviting Royce, as everyone in their group has drama. In fact, if she had to choose, Tami would much rather be stuck with Royce than Meeka. Jen thinks, given her recent altercation with Royce, that it would be easier if Royce stayed back in the States. Tami is skeptical, but she wants to go. However, she has one warning: if Shaunie tries to stir the pot by seating Tami next to Meeka on the plane, the trip will be over before it starts.

Suzie and Royce meet for coffee. Suzie feels she owes it to Royce to tell her about the trip. “I do need to let her know she wasn’t invited.” Um, why? It won’t be hard for her to figure out when she’s not filming with you for a week or so. Royce doesn’t seem to mind and offers to help Suzie pack. She’s been to Rome. Royce does get rattled when Suzie reveals that Evelyn and Tami have put T-Shirtgate in the past and have let frenemies be frenemies. Her eyes begin to water and Suzie worries Royce may be on the verge of tears. Fear not, Royce assures her, although she’ll be crying tears of joy for her drama-free week when the ladies are in Italy. Royce is convinced the trip will be one big drama-fest. Royce: half dancer, half clairvoyant.

The ladies arrive in Italy. On the ride to the hotel, Meeka is surprisingly quiet, and Tami starts getting in some digs regarding Jen’s blind date. After toasting their arrival, the women head to dinner, and I am very distracted by Jen’s fringed pants. Tami confronts Meeka about her behavior at the polo match. She thinks that the only reason Meeka is on the trip and Royce is not, is because Meeka is a big ol’ two-faced sh*t stirrer. Meeka tries to defend herself but digs herself into a deeper hole as far Evelyn is concerned. Meeka claims to be cool with Royce, and the ladies who had originally urged Meeka to form her own opinions, are now questioning her motives. It’s a lot of fog as far as Shaunie’s concerned. Meeka’s no angel but why are the ladies trying to pin Royce’s non invite on her? Royce wasn’t invited because Sneaky Shaunie refused to invite her. And Shaunie refused to invite Royce because Shaunie doesn’t like Royce. Trying to pin this on Meeka was a bit unfair. Around the world, Royce is thanking her lucky stars the women have found a new target.

Next week continues in Italy. Evelyn tells Shaunie and Tami about the radio interview. Evelyn plays the interview for Shaunie, Evelyn, and Jen, and blows up at Jen about talking so disrespectfully about her fiance.