Last night was Jersday for all you Jersey Shore fanatics (no shame in that game!). Mike is slightly immobile, Rawn and Sam get back together (no I’m not re-recapping last week), Pauly and Vin make fun of juiceheads who are juicier than themselves, and Snooki’s relationship with Jionni leaves the house up at arms.

So Mike will be sporting the neck brace for ten days, and it’s quite a situation as it’s rendered him unable to GTL. The horror! After Ronnie tore the house apart and shattered what (if any) was left of Sammi’s self-esteem and dignity the night before, he goes to her in the morning to profess his love. He hopes she’ll let him talk to her later. I am overwhelmed at his maturity…this relationship just may make it after all. They are so cute together and when it’s good, it’s great! In other news, I wish there was a sarcasm font.


Vinny and Pauly are using Mike’s neck brace for entertainment, and it ah-MAZE-ing! I wish I was slutty and tan with big hair so I could be friends with them. Mike is milking his injury for all it’s worth, because, you know, it’s Mike. The girls have the L of GTL down pat and head out to lunch drink. Jenni doesn’t understand why Mike expects sympathy on such a silly, self-inflicted injury. Jury’s in, and the ladies still think the Situation is not to be trusted. Back at the house, Mike has found someone to pity him…Rawn of all people! Mike wants to go home. He hurts because he is so helpless due to the neck brace. Um, wha? He’s not paralyzed, dude just has to move his entire body to look both ways to cross the street. Geez. Ronnie has his back, and during their heartfelt guido dialog, it almost seems like Rawn is hoping for a teary cry fest between the two frenemies. So sensitive, that Rawn.

The girls are bringing home their laundry home in their leopard print rolling suitcases (duh), when a priest tells Snooki to have some respect and put on some clothes when walking in front of his church. Oh no he di-int! Snooki is not happy and goes off on a rant. Heaven forbid she’s called out for dressing like a ho. No seriously, heaven forbid…because he’s a priest and he shouldn’t judge. Too much of a stretch? Snooki is all, so my boobs are hanging out, God made them, so they must be okay! JWoww deadpans, He didn’t make mine. I love this show. Love.

Snooki calls Jionni to tell him he’s the best guy she’s ever met before burping into his ear. The pair gets into a tiff with a stealth Rawn eavesdropping in the next room. Shockingly, Jionni gets embarrassed when Snooki does silly things, like soils herself or talks about humping him in public. What a prude! Snooki‘s boobs seeks out the advice of Ronnie because he’s clearly a relationship guru. Wise Ronnie tells her she doesn’t need to change for anyone…she is who she is, and that is what makes her Snooks. Brillz, Rawn…Dr. Phil should consult with you.

Pauly D does the unthinkable and lets Deena do his hair. She gives him a faux hawk, and suddenly he’s Joey D. He and Vinny start dressing like the ultimate juicehead douches, and I find it odd that they are basically making fun of themselves. Then I have an epiphany! Are there actual levels to guido-cheesiness? There has to be! It’s like I just finished my first New York Times crossword because of how intelligent I feel to have come to this conclusion. Vinny begs Pauly to dress him in a track suit, mirrored shades and a sweat band (they laugh about them, but it seems they packed several), and Vinny reveals, “We are dressing like total guidos right now. And who knows better about guido tool bags than us?” I am glad to see the irony of this situation is not lost on my guy Vin. He’s the smartest of the group, you know. Pauly and Vinny put on excessive amounts of chapstick and fist pump until they dislocate their shoulders. They have literally become caricatures of themselves, and I kind of feel like one (or both) of them deserves an Emmy for their performances. And with this moment of sheer genius, FPC is born. Fist pump. Push up. Chapstick. Live it. Learn it. Love it. Eat. Pray. Love. Just. Do. It. I have chills.

Sam and Rawn decide to discuss what their situation is, and Sammi is beyond disgusted that he brought a girl, scratch that, a girl’s number into this house. She is beyond jealous and grossed out that he was talking to a girl on the phone. Seriously? Did she not watch the season where he made out with two grenades at once and then came home and smushed her? But some chick’s phone number…gag. The rest of the gang thinks Mike had the right idea banging his head into the wall, as it’s what they all want to do listening to the (un)couple bicker. Ronnie tells Sam if she wants to walk away, he won’t chase her. You know who will? Vinny. He interrupts their argument as the voice of the house. They all hate the negativity and want to have fun in Italy. Vinny “kindly asks” that if they want to fight, could they do it away from the house. Rawn and Sam appreciate his openness and shockingly are able to mend fences after Vinny’s intervention. And they’re back together. What a healthy, healthy situation.

Ronnie talks with JWoww about his conversation with Snooki regarding her relationship with Jionni. Both Rawn and Jenni are upset with how Jionni talks to Snooks and think she deserves better. Back at the house, Snooki confronts a neck brace free Mike about his rumors. She wants him to apologize for spreading the lie that they hooked up, and he says he’s sorry for betraying her trust by telling the others what happened between the two of them. So they are clearly on the same page. It’s a minor exchange, but I died laughing when Snooki tells Mike, “You apologized, but you still haven’t said you’re sorry.” Please someone send her a Thesaurus stat. Mike blows his chance at an apology, and has MTV given him some kind of drug test? He’s not normal, and I mean normal for Mike standards. After Snooki storms off, he continues the conversation with himself…not to mention he looks a decade older than he did last season.

At the clerb, Sammi and Rawn start making out on the dance floor. It’s just the opening act, as Ronnie quickly turns into Micheal Flatley, Lord of the Dance, who then quickly turns into Nancy Kerrigan, post hammer to the knee. He’s injured, but he keeps dancing on the sidelines as Sam scolds him. Match made in heaven? I think so! Across the bar, Deena and Snooki are avoiding girl fights left and right, if by avoiding, I mean instigating. Someone throws a drink in Deena’s face and Snooki goes squirrel monkey and meat ball on her ass. The best part occurs when Deena and Snooks realize they are actually fighting. Each. Other. Yes, you read that right. Once they figure out what is going on, Snooki and Deena find it as hilarious as I do.

A wasted Snooki decides to call Jionni once home from the club. She attempts phone sex, so he assumes that she feels guilty for bad actions earlier in the evening. Rawn takes the phone away from her to assure Jionni that she loves him and he needs to stop acting like a jack leg. Jionni and Snooki get into a fight and he hangs up because he thinks she’s being so ridiculous. True. However, he’s being jealous and mean for no reason, so I’m going to side with Snooki on this one. Rawn comes in to tell her that she doesn’t deserve a guy who gets so caught up in jealousy that he can’t be a good boyfriend. Also true, but coming from Ronnie, I want to scream, Are you kidding me? Jionni is to Snooks as Rawn is to Sam. It’s an SAT analogy at its finest. An upset Snooki heads to bed to snuggle with her stuffed alligator, bear, crusty pink bedroom slippers, [insert dirty stuffed animal here].

The roommates are way over Jionni and his effect on Snooki’s time in Italy. Of course, not to let her friend’s situation deter her fun, Deena invites over the waiter who speaks decent English…the guy she may have made out with before switching teams for the “pure twin.” Sam is the first to say he must really like Deena since he comes over at 4am to see her. That statement made me realize a little bit more why Sam is the way she is. The waiter has a hickey/bite mark, but don’t worry Deena. It’s from his sister. Because that makes it better. And ciao to the waiter.

Jenni calls her boyfriend Roger who will be visiting her the following week. JWoww expresses her disdain for Jionni to Roger. The whole house is in agreement…Jionni sucks. He’s turned Snooks into a depressed mess who won’t have any juicehead fun with the gang. The next day, Snooki doesn’t remember talking to Jionni the prior night. When JWoww fills her in on their conversation, Snooki believes he was just pissed because she was drunk. Jenni agrees but reminds her that his behavior is not okay, regardless of whether she was wasted or sober. Snooki is not down with the intervention that Sam and Jenni are waging. It’s not like she’s addicted to heroine, she’s just addicted to her boyfriend’s penis. That last sentence is pretty close to being a direct quote. Rawn comes in to remind her of his conversation with Jionni, and again he tells her that she deserves better than an over jealous boyfriend who throws insignificant things back in his partner’s face. Really Ronnie? Are you listening to yourself? Because you are both pot and kettle. As with most interventions, the object of the intervention is not on board. At. All. Snooki can’t figure out why her friends are being so hard on the love of her life, and she doesn’t want to hear any more of it. And Fin.

Next week, the group goes on a road trip where Deena dances so hard that her underwear pops off…no, seriously. Deena and Snooki hook up, and again, seriously? Finally, Snooki gets into a wreck with a police car. I’d say that’s pretty much par for the course.