Bethenny Ever After Recap: The Villain And The Saint

Last night’s season premiere of Bethenny Ever After focused on Bethenny‘s business growing, while her marriage struggled. Heading into their second year of marriage, Bethenny and Jason seem to be going in disparate directions and have trouble understanding each other. Bethenny is still whining about how nothing in her life is working, despite her many blessings and success. Hey, at least she scored a fabulous apartment!

Ahhh… Bethenny – new season, same problems! The show begins at the launch of Skinnygirl Sangria. Bethenny looks cute, and I love that color on her. Bethenny tells us that she has made it at 40, and truly that is amazing – good for her! Jason is supportive, but admits he’s a little over the twenty-four hour Bethenny show.


Bethenny reassures us that she hasn’t gotten a huge ego, (eye roll) by explaining she needs to go to celebrity school to learn how to be famous, deal with the paparazzi, and because she can’t stop pulling a Paris Hilton when she gets out of a limo. Like we all don’t know she doesn’t do it on purpose. I wonder if celebrity school will help Bethenny stop with the inappropriate jokes she thinks are amusing, like comparing her SG sangria bottle cake to a penis, and harassing poor Nick. Oh, hahahahaha… she’s so witty.

Bethenny expresses her concern about dealing with the second year of marriage, which has proven to be more difficult than the first, with all the things her family is juggling. We find out Bethenny found Hoda Kotb her boyfriend. Which is a neat story. Bethenny then tells us she never cared about being in gossip magazines, which is why she made her life into a reality show and talks about her personal issues constantly. Cause that’s totally how Martha Stewart and other business people roll. She should just admit she wanted fame, success, and fortune – which is a great goal – but admit it.

Bethenny is planning to buy her dream apartment because her old apartment is too small for all her assistants and her lease is up. Correct me if I’m wrong, but did she not lease this apartment with Jason and live there with Jason and their daughter. Planning to buy their fancy new digs is proving problematic, because it’s real estate and real estate is always obnoxious. Jason is handling all the legalese and contracts, while Bethenny earns the money to buy the spread.

While Jason is negotiating the deal for the apartment, Bethenny is making fun of him and joking around on Bryn‘s toy cell phone. Bethenny then starts dry humping the air, because she doesn’t want her marriage to get in the way of a funny joke. Too bad she’s not humping Jason, which might help said troubled marriage.

Bethenny is itching to spend all her Skinnygirl dollarz, but sadly she can’t buy anything because of that pesky little lawsuit she calls a joke. Maybe it is. Just in case she’s avoiding dealing with it, while Jason looks like he wants to have an aneurysm.

To demonstrate how chaotic her life is despite having a Director of Chaos in the form of Julie, we get a shot of a zillion girls all smashed together in Bethenny’s teeny office. Apparently her staff has tripled in size since last year and poor Bethenny is running an empire with nary enough chairs. So… get an office space outside the home? Or buy more chairs…

Getting ready for a photoshoot, Bethenny is in hair and make-up with Bryn on her lap. Bryn with the curler is totally adorable! Awwww… We meet Bethenny’s newest sycophant in the form of an assistant trapped in the hallway, but she loves Bethie so much she’d peruse photos in the dumpster.

Proving she is promoting living A Place of Yes, Bethenny dispenses some advice to her staff and confesses she is feeling the pressure of being married to a perfect husband while she is the villain and a lunatic. Bethenny is stressed about never being good enough despite all the work she’s done on herself.

Back at the too small, crappy, leased apartment, Bethenny and Jason are feeding Bryn. I really like the domestic aspects of Bethenny’s show; I love seeing her and Jason parenting and going through the normal, dealing with a toddler stuff. It seems authentic and natural. Bethenny is right that parenting is a team sport as well as a full-time job. Parenting has taken the place of intimacy in their relationship and guess what Jason’s penis has on it? If you guessed cobwebs, you guessed right!

Bethenny meets her friend Jake to discuss decorating her new apartment under the tutelage of a celebrity design team. Apparently, they will be managing her Ziplock vag collection in her new luxury closet. Ick – that sounds so Silence of the Lambs. Bethenny and Jake discuss being forty, selfish, and alone, and then finding a relationship; Bethenny is still working on being a partner vs. being alone. Which, she admits, is a lifelong struggle for her. Bethenny spends her weekends with Bryn. Jason does a lot of church going, to deal with things. That makes sense since we know Jason is a saint.

Bethenny should just accept she is married to Skinnygirl and Jason is, like one of those annoying red and white tote bags she hauls around, an accessory. Actually, I’m sure she loves him, she just really has difficulty prioritizing togetherness.

And cue the therapy session, where Bethenny reveals she is suffering from panic attacks when dealing with Jason. Bethenny admits that perhaps she rushed into things, and they have trust issues because in the process of merging her successful business with marriage, people made them sign a prenup. Jason is resentful over that and worries that Bethenny will screw him over. Bethenny wants to take care of Jason, so she embarrasses him on television by telling everyone she doesn’t want to have sex with him, then wonders why they fight. He knew what he was getting into!

To deal with the constant anxiety of being Bethenny, she does yoga. In the middle of her busy living room. While yelling out a slew of things Julie needs to do. Um… right. Remember, she just can’t get to the gym!

The Queen of Neurosis meets the Queen of Mean for lunch. Lisa Lampanelli certainly doesn’t eat three bites and dump salt on her plate, she’s too fun for that! They are discussing making a marriage work – Lisa’s approach: who cares, let it go, and leave it alone, have fun. Meanwhile Bethenny obsesses about every nuance, so she and Jason fight constantly. Maybe she should just eat some brownies and relax. Lisa changes the subject to her husband’s balls. Apparently they’re huge – like huge, huge!

Bethenny and Jason find out they are officially home owners! It’s Bethenny’s first time owning anything. Touring the new apartment, Bethenny loves everything but the ‘you’ve gone no where and done nothing’ closet and the ‘hospital bathroom’. Bethenny is already predicting the zillions of meltdowns associated with renovating. Oh gawd. These two seem completely shell shocked and it’s cute. I wish Bethenny would stop thinking so negatively and obsessing over everything being perfect. Be happy!

Over champagne, Bethenny is relieved that she is no longer hooking or hawking for rent. With two bedrooms in the new pad, Jason is already talking about two babies. Bethenny’s approach is, if it happens it happens, but she doesn’t want a repeat of their excessive sex days like in the time before Bryn. Excessive being like maybe three times per week. Because having sex with your husband is awful? Bethenny comments that even if Jason were shooting diamonds out of his penis, she wouldn’t be having sex everyday, and poor Jason resigns himself to once a week, if he’s lucky.

Coming up this season: The Skinnygirl drama continues, Bethenny and Jason try to reconnect and juggle marriage, a baby, and a business.