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Joe Exotic Tiger King

There are lessons to be learned from Tiger King and the brief explosive reign of Joe Exotic. Live by the code of the jungle, metaphorically die by it too. In the series finale Joe goes down for orchestrating a murder for hire plot to once and for all stop Carole Baskin from stealing his zoo. The zoo Joe does not in fact even own anymore.

Joe caged wild animals and took away their freedoms and finds himself in a cage after being nabbed by the FEDS on what appears to be some trumped up charges. Working behind his back to seize the zoo was a collection of barely contained beasts: Carole Fucking Baskin, Jeff Lowe, and Joe’s former friend “businessman,” James Garretson.

There is no more humanity left in Joe Exotic, as he is completely ruled by his animal instincts to self-preserve. 

Joe Exotic Tiger King

Hey there cool cats and kittens, Mary here to describe to you in great furry detail how totally fucked up and deranged Tiger King is.

First things first, we can all agree that Carole Baskin made minced tiger food, all organic (unless Don Lewis smoked) out of hubby no 2. Howard Baskin, who is hubby no 3, better stay tightly tethered to her pussy patrol — or else. Accidents around big cats are a regular thing. Just ask Joe Exotic who was trying to film a very enlightening reality show about living on the edge of nature.

Before Joe decided to run for president, he was trying to become a reality star. Joe running for president is only marginally less bizarre than Donald Trump running for president. As far as exotic, one has tigers and gay/straight husbands who are only using him for his tigers money. The other has gold toilets and wives who are only using him for his money. Both have thrones. Although Joe’s is in the middle of an Oklahoma mud pit surrounded by chain link cages. Joe has Carole; Donald has Hillary. And Joe is ready to take on the world! The episode opens with his ‘hit’ country single “Bring It On” — one of his many odes to despising Carole. Fucking. Baskin. 

Katie Maloney Vanderpump Rules

Things are happening on Vanderpump Rules. Dramatic things! Jax Taylor turned 40. We do not need to celebrate any more milestones for him though. Raquel Leviss is suddenly finding herself included in things. I can’t tell if that’s because Kristen Doute is finally finding herself EXcluded for not making Carter her official ex, or if it’s because Lala Kent wants to eviscerate Raquel in public. Or because James Kennedy has finally sobered up and everyone wants to experience the potential shit-show that is Sober James?

Lisa Vanderpump meets Ariana Madix for a little horseplay. Lisa has taught her horse to talk, likes to make-out with him, and can conjure his wiener on demand. Lisa is one step away from Carole Baskin, and Ken better watch out before he finds himself fed to a pen full of tiny ponies. You know Lisa’s next wedding will feature a slavish weirdo wearing a pink tasseled horse saddle while she holds him by the literal reigns.

(Please watch Tiger King. I will be recapping a couple episodes, and we need to discuss.)

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Madison Stalker

Ahhhh… we are midway through the charter season on Below Deck Sailing Yacht. As well known from previous iterations of Below Deck, this means a time of shifting loyalties, relationships beginning to either fray or cement, and crew-wide fatigue.

Over on the rockiest beach in the world, Jenna MacGillivray and Adam Glick arrive prepared to host a beach BBQ for the guests only to find what looks like a hoarder emptied their storage shed on the shore. What reality show is this?!

Ciara Duggan and Madison Stalker have been there for 4 hours but it might as well have been 4 years. They look like they just escaped a shipwreck and were required to use Madison’s bra as a fishing net. They are sweaty, burnt, hobbling around creatures surprised to recognize other forms of human life (or perhaps disappointed that those human lives were Adam and Jenna?). This is what being off the boat unsupervised does for a yachtie!

Now it’s T-30 minutes until the guests, dressed for dinner at the country club, arrive and nary an umbrella is unfolded. Jenna is in overdrive, panic mode. OK, seriously, what the eff was going on that island all day? 

Vanderpump Rules Lala Kent

We celebrated Tom Sandoval‘s birthday on last night’s Vanderpump Rules and the theme was being extra. As if this group even has to try! Hey, at least it wasn’t more wedding nonsense.

Ugh – every time I reach a place where I kinda like Lala Kent, she goes and acts like a horrific ego-consuming monster whose such a bitch that I’m right back to wanting to smash cupcakes in her face. Super fattening, gluten-y, sugary cupcakes. Lala is a wench. A worse wench than Stassi Schroeder ever was in her Stasstrocious heyday. Lala is Jax Taylor bad. She’s also a dry drunk. Someone who has treated the symptom, not the disease. Lala reminds me of Kim Richards, formerly of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, now of never-to-be-published salacious memoir because Kyle Richards will tie your ass up in cord for ad infinitum. Which is also how long it will take Lala to realize that she’s a horrible human being who is still secretly in love with James Kennedy.

Anyway, these are my preliminary thoughts on last night’s Vanderpump Rules.

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Parker McCown

I have so many conflicting feelings about what’s going on with Below Deck Sailing Yacht. Like is everyone conspiring against Madison Stalker? Are Jenna MacGillivray and Adam Glick both psychotics who deserve each other? Is Parker McCown a secret serial killer, ala Patrick Bateman. I know it’s not popular but you guys — I just get a bad feeling about him. I mean, I basically get a bad feeling about everyone except for Captain Glenn Shephard and Byron Hissey. So maybe that’s the problem?

I definitely DO NOT have good feelings about the new Below Deck Sailing charter guest Yana, and her, um… diet and cat noises? Is her brain so deprived from lack of food she can’t form complete thoughts which is why she just says “meow”?

Jenna is crying on a dock after begging Adam to sleep with her. They’ve been ‘dating,’ in the loose manor of yacht dating, for the equivalency of 2 charters. Possibly 2 and a half. It is not. that. serious. Adam turns her down because he’s trying to retain some small vestige of professionalism (GO ADAM), and Jenna freaks out that he’s icing her out by putting up emotional walls. Jenna claims she just wants to get closer to him — so how about asking about his childhood, instead of using bumping uglies as a bandaid for actual intimacy. Seems a little… immature, no?

Real Housewives Of Atlanta In Greece

What an epic fail that we had the Real Housewives Of Atlanta visit Lindsay Lohan‘s beach club and we don’t get a Lohan sighting or any of the requisite drama?! Instead, we had to pretend that Dina Lohan is some famous friend of Kandi Burruss‘ and the ladies were doing Dina a favor by visiting her daughter’s little beachside bar. But a Lohan was not present. Nor was there a mention of Lindsay’s failed reality show.

So the women are in Greece trying to figure out how goddesses behave. In fairness to NeNe Leakes and Kenya Moore, the original Greek goddesses were a pretty vengeful and petty bunch, ergo probably not above spitting or questioning the moistness level of one’s kitty. Still Nene Leakes is no goddess, and as a mortal her behavior was APPALLING.

Yes, Kenya is a shady bitch who’s nasty-nice and pushes buttons that are way below the belt, but spitting on someone and threatening to assault them as NeNe was doing – NEWP, NEWP, NEWP!

Brittany Cartwright Vanderpump Rules

Jax Taylor finally got married on last night’s Vanderpump Rules, metamorphosing from Jax to Jason. Even so Tom Sandoval was the true knight in shining armor. Tom had tampons, tissues, White Claw, vodka, an endless supply of giving and support. What did Jax have besides patchy sideburns and a mistaken understanding that getting married does not allow one legal ownership over your spouses breast implants.

Although how fantastic would it be if Brittany Cartwright threw the removed implants on the table at their inevitable divorce trial?! Which from the mid-season preview seems like it’s coming sooner rather than later. The shelf life of an implant is what – max, 10 years? The shelf life of a marriage to Jax Taylor has to be more like 2.2 years. Maybe 2.4 if there’s an extended separation. And probably more like 1.4 if Vanderpump Rules cameras turn off. Marriage Bootcamp only films for 5 weeks.

Anyhoodle, yes, Jax and Brittany finally finally finally made it down the aisle in the unrelenting sun of a Kentucky summer, leaving their guests to wilt and melt in 96 degree weather without any shade. Except for Tom 1 running around holding out parasols. Add that to his list of positives! After all this Jax only gives Tom 1 a B- or C in the best man performance grade.