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Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills - Teddi & Dorit

I started this season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills planning to keep an open mind, but the plotting is just so sloppy and transparent. And not the plotting Lisa Vanderpump is doing!

Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave has, by now, told about 15 renditions of her involvement/non-involvement in DogGate. In each version, she becomes increasingly naive and played for a fool. Also each time one of her versions doesn’t coincide with the revision, the other women conveniently brush it aside and double-down on the narrative that Teddi is the victim. Or Dorit Kemsley is. Really?

For instance tonight Teddi told her therapist she never spoke directly to Lisa about Doggate (Why are we still talking about this?!), then told Dorit and the other women that she was on a three-way call with Lisa and John Sessa which proves LVP is directly involved. Isn’t the  whole point of Teddi’s argument that LVP isn’t owning her part and wants to frame Teddi? Well, it sounds like Teddi is doing the same exact thing!

Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave On Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Tonight the axis of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills officially shifts when Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave, a turtle of accountability, cements her very misplaced alliance with the rest of the cast against Lisa Vanderpump. All this over Dorit Kemsley (who has a deflated bank account to go with her droopy ethics and very drooping bikini tops) mistreating a dog and a friend.

I mean, when you (Teddi) are basing your rejection of a friendship based on said friend’s (LVP) possible collaboration in exposing a really shitty, contract violating, grifting, lying animal mistreating, a-hole, you probably need to reexamine your priorities in life and your version of morality. Just my opinion! But there goes Teddi throwing accountability to the wolves of Erika Girardi, Lisa Rinna, and Dorit. Girl… have fun with that til they turn back on you. 

Lala Kent & Billie Lee

So much happened on last night’s Vanderpump Rules but the only things we really need to talk about are Brittany Cartwright being told by her doctor that she can’t drink on the cast trip to Mexico(!) and Lala Kent turning into James Kennedy by unleashing an unholy fury of meanness on James and Raquel Leviss (again), which finally had James seeing the light about the changes he needs to make in his own life.

I personally think all Brittany’s sudden health problems are a psychosomatic response to realizing she’s engaged to Jax Taylor!

Other things happened, though. Like I cannot look at Beau Clark without seeing a grubby, truck stop dirtbag. His pasty, grimy pits and flabby arms hanging out of that dirty tank top as he swung around a handle of tequila Stassi Schroeder was bedazzling for Scheana Marie as a peace offering was… well all the karma Stassi has ever deserved. Beau seems sweet and very nice, but he joins the unhygienic mass of menfolk on this show who look like walking staph infections and probably need their own file at the CDC.

Lala Kent - Vanderpump Rules

On tonight’s Vanderpump Rules things get super wild at SUR when Lala Kent takes out her grief and aggression on Raquel Leviss after Lala accuses Raquel of talking about her deceased father.

This comes after James Kennedy was cruelly uninvited from the cast trip to Mexico, which was supposed to be about Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz celebrating the opening of TomTom. Then while James is at SUR DJing Billie Lee‘s boozy brunch, he and Raquel have a run-in with Lala that goes all kinds of wrong. This has Tom 1 questioning why Lisa Vanderpump isn’t pulling out her pink slips to fire the future Mrs. Randall Emmett. 

Eva Marcille Wedding - Real Housewives Of Atlanta

It was a wedding and practically a funeral on last night’s Real Housewives Of AtlantaEva Marcille said “I Do” to Michael Sterling in a super lavish ceremony and reception that was completely upstaged by NeNe Leakes‘ drama with everyone.

Eva’s wedding gown consisted of a 400 foot train (length and width) with these weird insect leg things that propelled out from her bust like rings of Saturn. Essentially the bottom part was Princess Diana. Meanwhile, the top was Alien Queen. I really didn’t get the effect.

Especially when coupled with Eva’s hair, which featured an ENORMOUS crown thingy that looked like it belonged with a Frozen costume and frizzy hair underneath her veil. Also, super long pointy matte white nails like she painted them with White-Out. You know you did that in middle school too! Anyway, I felt like the whole look was stiff, overdone, and not particularly flattering. Very costume-like. Just me? 

Eva Marcille - Real Housewives Of Atlanta

On tonight’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta Eva Marcille finally walks down the aisle with her 3 dresses and giant outstanding checks in tow.

I assume Eva also managed to find time to buy a dress for her daughter to walk down the aisle in?

Luann de Lesseps - Real Housewives Of New York

Last night the Real Housewives Of New York dragged all their dysfunction to the Hamptons where they split into two teams: Team Ramona Singer & Team Luann de Lesseps. Just like the old days… Usually Sonja Morgan likes being in the middle of some sweaty, howling, grunting, insane situations, and this time was no exception!

Sonja arrives at Ramona’s house after being driven by Tinsley Mortimer. After all Tinsley’s whining that she might crash before she even gets into the driver’s seat, she turned out to be a good driver. Which, according to Sonja, also naturally means Tinsley will be a good mother. Because… ?

For some reason Sonja has long extensions – from a photoshoot maybe. They look so ratty I assume she found them in a box in a the Townhouse basement labeled JP – Mother’s Victorian Wigs. Anyway, this inspires Dorinda Medley to whip out the mermaid costumes she brought so they all can do something besides eat, drink, go to restaurants and fight. Dorinda believes their mermaid photos will “go viral.” Which is usually what they’re saying about Sonja’s vagina.

Lisa Vanderpump, Kyle Richards, Dorit Kemsley - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills the dissecting of doggate and what LISA VANDERPUMP knows continued in full-force. I am just so over this storyline and this same old nonsense. Already I am Loosy Loosey Losty Attention for Lucy Lucy Apple Juice!

In other news Kyle Richards, the eight circle of hell, dropped another daughter off at college. Also Denise Richards decided to get married to Aaron Phypers approximately 10 minutes after his divorce from Nicollette Sheridan was finalized. Why is she not on this show?