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Below Deck - Josiah Carter Gold Speedo

On last night’s Below Deck Josiah Carter‘s childhood insecurities were triggered by demanding and flamboyant guests, and Rhylee Gerber and Tyler Rowland took their relationship next level!

After an entire season of Josiah flying under the radar, it was kinda nice to learn more about him.

Morning Afters on this show are always a shammy of shame. Except if you’re Rhylee and Tyler! I don’t know how anyone who spends like 2 hours a day cleaning and 8 hours a day screaming about how she’s being rejected from manual labor has any energy leftover to be sexing down Tyler, but Rhylee does. She has fought flounder with her barehands so clearly she is superhuman. After 3 solid days of hooking up, Rhylee and Tyler are basically levitating on the after-sex glow as they flirt through their chores.

Josiah Carter Below Deck

Tonight the person having the crisis on Below Deck is Josiah Carter. I mean it’s about time he did something besides simmer and sulk behind the scenes, snipe under his breath, and slither about under the protective glare of Kate Chastain! (I kid – I find Josiah hilarious).

After a crazy crew night out Tyler Rowland and Rhylee Gerber went through the five stages of lust, dating, fighting, breaking up, and rekindling. In contrast, Ashton Pienaar and Laura Betancourt have found themselves officially flung out

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Bad Mutha

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was the collision of past and future as Stassi Schroeder’s mother demonstrated that the rotten apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!

The morning after her birthday meltdown, Stassi has some amends to make with Beau Clark. Stassi’s hangover face, puffy and red, has aged her 15 years yet she’s still drinking a beer for breakfast! It’s like one of those aging apps that shows what you’ll look like on your 50th birthday.

Apparently Stassi’s telephone harassment of Beau escalated to in-person harassment. She stormed back into the party to demand he come to bed with her immediately. And in response Beau cried. The next morning he whines that when Stassi yelled it felt like getting “dick punched” in the heart. Do dicks punch? I hadn’t known. Oh, maybe Beau means like being punched by an actual dick. Someone like Jax Taylor, perhaps.

Stassi Schroeder & Her Mom

On tonight’s all new Vanderpump Rules the fallout from Stassi Schroeder and Ariana Madix‘s joint birthday proves to have long-term drama in Stassi’s life.

First Stassi has to make amends with Beau Clark after drunkenly calling him, texting him, and screaming at him during her party. Thankfully, Beau loves Stassi but he is not willing to put up with her antics. 

RHOA-Porsha-Williams

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta episode, Porsha Williams‘ relationship with Dennis McKinley was tested. Then, she turned to the professionals for help. In happier news, the women also learned they’re going to Japan to sightsee, enjoy amazing cuisine, and take in all the local culture… HA!

We pick up at Tanya Sam‘s house. Tanya is obviously in denial. She pretends she’s hosting a real dinner party, with her real friends. However, this is a Real Housewives Of Atlanta party with fake friends who are paid to hate each other. In this case, Kandi Burruss is threatening to leave before dinner is even served (and the trip to Japan announced) because Porsha called her fake. 

Kyle Richards 13 Most Memorable Moments On Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

This week we celebrate Kyle Richards‘ birthday, a momentous Bravo occasion if ever there was one, because it is Kyle who brought us kaftans. I cried tears of warm rosé to learn that Kaftans By KyleKantoo closed last year, because how else am I going to satisfy my dream of being shrouded in polyester satin leopard print, weighed down by giant rhinestones and chopped off at the mid-thigh? I guess I’ll have to travel all the way to Beverly Hills to raid Kyle’s closet!

So anyway, follow me as we go on a journey of Kyle’s best (and by ‘best’ I mean WORST!) and most infamous moments on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Most of Kyle’s notable moments are connected to Kim Richards. The  Twisted Sisters Richards have formed the cornerstone of this show’s consistent focus of very real family dysfunction from practically the very first episode.

RHONJ-Teresa-Giudice

Hi there I’m guest recapping Real Housewives Of New Jersey and it has been so long since I’ve written about this show I practically forgot how dysfunctional Teresa Giudice is! (Almost, but not quite!)

Last night was all about family values as Jennifer Aydin returned to Turkey to celebrate her brother’s engagement. THen, Teresa made amends with Jackie Goldschneider.

As Jennifer packs for TWO WHOLE DAYS away from home she worries if she doesn’t schedule Bill Aydin’s quality time with the kids, he’ll forget they exist. She’s probably also worried that he’ll forget she exists! Or worse – won’t miss her presence… 

Laura Betancourt Below Deck

Lord – this is the craziest season of Below Deck ever! It is literally Wham, Bam, Thank you ma’am, next drama! Laura Betancourt and Kate Chastain went from screaming at each other to peaceably getting along as co-workers. In contrast, Laura and Ashton Pineaar transitioned from friends with benefits to, well, I don’t know what. In less than one episode!

Laura is “sore-ry, not sore-ry” that she told Kate to check herself over some towels not being hung up. This is the myopic world of luxury yachting where the placement of a pond frond can make the difference between a $17,000 tip and a $20,000 tip. Basically what I’m saying is that all the escalated drama over towels and toilet paper matters! The little things become the big things, you guys. And Kate’s refusal to see Laura as the top-notch CHIEF STEW wannabe she is, is a big thing, guys.