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Tanya Sam Real Housewives Of Atlanta

Well, knock me over with a strand of fake hair because Kenya Moore finally got ousted for wearing a wig on last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta. And no thanks to Tanya Sam, who will not be taking thinly veiled insinuations that her fiancé Paul Judge is cheating lying down!

Back from Tanada everyone had a great trip – especially Porsha Williams who is now re-engaged to Dennis McKinley. Is that a good idea? Not if you ask Porsha’s sister Lauren! Porsha decides the thing to do is organize a dinner where Dennis will apologize to Mama Diane and Lauren, then they can all act like nothing bad ever happened!

After traveling Eva Marcille is exhausted. Eva’s also stressed because she’s days away from petitioning the court to allow a name change for Marley, which will pave the way for Mike Sterling to formally adopt her. Mike is the only father Marley has ever known, but Eva still worries that the abusive ‘donor daddy’ might make a sudden trip down to Atlanta, violating restraining orders, to contest the proceedings. Mike is not worried. I guess as a prosecutor he’s come up against plenty of hardened criminals so one little Instagram model with a temper – however horrendous and evil – isn’t quite as scary?

Kristen Doute Vanderpump Rules

Vanderpump Rules has found itself at a crosshairs. Last night I witnessed Jax Taylor and Katie Maloney behave like mature-ish adults as they attempted to set some reasonable boundaries with Kristen Doute and Brian Carter about how their toxic codependency is affecting everyone else’s lives.

I mean I know Jax was just cosplaying the dad from Family Ties because he’s about to be a married adulterer adulter soon, but this show is not supposed to be about capable adults acting accordingly. Vanderpump Rules is supposed to be about drunken, unhinged twenty-somethings who screw, scheme, and cry their way through terrible choices and still emerge with flawless skin.

On that vein, absolutely nobody cares about Jax’s wedding to Brittany Cartwright. Brittany sincerely believes everyone is as invested in her bridal registry and knot.com page as she is. Also this wedding that she’s planning has absolutely nothing to do with Jax, who might as well be a rent-a-fiance from some Hallmark Movie about proving to your judgmental small town relatives that you’re not an unmarriageable career woman, repugnant to blandly attractive men in tight sweaters. This wedding is about Brittany living out her fantasy, and her friends would rather let her merry hijack them than Kristen’s misery. I don’t blame them!

Alexis Bellino Below Deck Real Housewives Of Orange County

On last night’s Below Deck there was a blast from the past when former Real Housewives of Orange County star Alexis Bellino was the charter guest. Guess who was nowhere to be found? JimBlob Bellino! Because Alexis was in Thailand to celebrate her divorce with new boyfriend Drew. Jesus Barbie take the wheel.

Also Rhylee Gerber did not get sacked! Despite Ashton Pienaar‘s attempted mutiny to have her fired, Captain Lee Rosbach saw through the BS to realize that Ashton needs to do his job as boson and work with his team.

Sadly for Rhylee not all victors get the spoils. Even though she kept her position the entire deck crew is now barely acknowledging her and keeping it at minimum civil. Plus Rhylee knows they all conspired to try and have her fired so even when they try to joke with her later she isn’t sure if it’s a dig or sincere sarcasm. But it has been well-established that all the men on this boat (except for Captain Lee) are complete and utter asses, and last night definitely reinforced it!

Cynthia Bailey Real Housewives Of Atlanta

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta was a trip to the insane asylum rather than carnival. Or maybe they thought they were visiting LeeAnne Locken‘s carnival of crazy? The fighting and attempted snake baiting went so completely off the rails that Kenya Moore‘s elusive SECURITY! appeared out of nowhere to drag Nene Leakes away. Does Kenya summon them by flicking her maxi dress?!

It’s hard to believe the mess all started with Porsha Williams getting re-engaged in a surprise re-proposal. Dennis McKinley showed up Tanya Sam‘s party, and crept through the crowd like a gopher, until he popped up right at Porsha’s feet holding a ring.

All it took was Dennis publicly admitting that he betrayed Porsha’s trust and embarrassed their family for her to immediately re-accept and start calling him “husband,” but something is not right because Porsha was all excited to take Dennis back to the hotel for some peen, yet he had to fly home to his hot dogs instead… Like Kandi Burruss I too have my suspicions. However if I were Kandi I’d be more worried about what Todd Tucker is doing with his time all day with all these unfinished properties he spent her money on! 

Kary Brittingham D'Andra Simmons Real Housewives Of Dallas

Real Housewives Of Dallas came to an end last night in a dramatic and intense reunion focused on whether or not LeeAnne Locken is racist.

We all knew that the bulk of Part 2 was going to be spent on this subject. So after D’Andra Simmons was given a platform to gush about turning around Hard Night Good Morning and salvaging her relationship with Mama Dee, Andy Cohen got right into the matter of LeeAnne’s behavior in Thailand and the racially charged comments she made about Kary Brittingham.

First of all, Andy is FED. UP! I’ve never seen him so combative or out and out confrontational towards a Real Housewife as he was with LeeAnne last night. Of course, LeeAnne was trying to blame production for everything she did, and if there’s one thing Andy despises it’s a Housewife who tries to blame Bravo for her actions. I’m surprised LeeAnne didn’t accuse editing of dubbing the phrase “chirpy Mexican” into her mouth.

Vanderpump Rules Season 8 Premiere Lisa Vanderpump

Last night was the season 8 premiere of Vanderpump Rules, and honestly EIGHT YEARS. EIGHT YEARS! You’d think these people would’ve grown up some, but alas here they are, still filling squirt guns with tequila and fighting about who’s a bad friend.

For many a’seasons I’ve been saying it’s high time for a cast change; one which acknowledges and reflects that the OGs are, well, missing the natural collagen in their faces and therefore no longer eligible to play the role of struggling bartender straight off the bus from St. Louis. Last night Vanderpump Rules finally paid credence to that, and it almost felt as if we were going into this season with the realization that it would be the last for the original crew. I’ll wear sequins to their funeral, play Solid Gold in downtempo, and drink PumpTinis with the rims salted with dehydrated tears.

Ashton Pienaar Below Deck

This season of Below Deck is toxic in the extreme. Every single episode is like Game Of Thrones — with shammies and champagne. I need Xanax to even get through an episode of trying to figure out who’s the double-agent villain or the actual heroine.

I love Kate Chastain, and I cannot imagine enduring what’s happening on that boat with such a stiff upper lip, let alone rising above it, but I think we can all agree it was out of line for Kate to repeat to Rhylee Gerber that Ashton Pienaar blamed her for the fishing episode. Should Kate have spoken to Captain Lee Rosbach to disavow Ashton’s claims? Absolutely, but sharing it with Rhylee directly, when the situation is already so irascible, smacked of Kate wanting to enact some revenge. Ashton deserved it, but the fall guy (or girl) here is now Rhylee.

Porsha Williams Real Housewives Of Atlanta

Last night the Real Housewives Of Atlanta continued their trip to Canada to celebrate Carnival. Maybe soon we’ll actually get to see this famous Carnival?!

Tanya Sam is full of surprise guests (and other unwelcome surprises) on this trip to Canada, isn’t she? First Nene Leakes crashes the rooftop happy hour for a 24-hour wham, bam, no-thank you, ma’am drama causing. Then Tanya hides Dennis McKinley in her suitcase so he can re-propose to Porsha Williams against their counselor’s advice.