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Bethenny Frankel

Oh Real Housewives Of New York don’t ever change. Do I open ever recap with this sentence? But seriously Real Housewives Of New York spirals through cycles of emotions faster than a Cathy cartoon about dating and PMS, and I don’t want it any other way.

Anytime you take these ladies anywhere – even to the doctor; even to the nail salon; even to Luann de Lesseps‘ yardsale in the Hamptons, they exist in their own self-contained orbit of revolving arguments, makeups, friendships, feuds, hurt feelings, men… Like a drunken comet hurtling towards church here they come, slathered in statement necklaces and macrame, and shedding skin from laser facials, and shedding tears from all the people who have wronged them first leading them hear to a sky-high tolerance for emotional instability and pain. And hell hath no fury like a group of middle-aged women scorned, with nothing else to lose. Amen, sistas. A-MEN, but you don’t need ’em cause you have each other. (And cheesecake on the lanai, of course). 

Luann de Lesseps

Tonight the Real Housewives Of New York continue to spin in circles at Luann de Lesseps round house in a dry county. Dry, my ass because they’re all playing a cabaret drinking game and these ladies are three sheets to the wind under the wings of the endangered wildlife flowing past Luann’s rounded windows!

Luann and Bethenny Frankel are still arguing, with Luann doubling down on her reasons for expelling Bethenny to ignore Bryn and stay out all night watching her perform cabaret in a nurses costume from Target.

Kyle Richards

Congratulations Camille Grammer – you’ve officially broken free of Kelsey and restarted your life with a new man by getting married on last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Gorgeous wedding! Too bad you dragged your way back Kelsey personality along with you for the ride in the clown car to David C. Meyer.

Oh, a lie detector test. Is that what we’re doing now instead of printing out 99 point font textestessss to prove our innocence? I feel like I need to write this portion of the recap in Comic Sans font, because surely this must be some British Humor! Now I’m still team Lisa Vanderpump, but lady – I cannot sit back and allow John Sessa to carry the Pom-Shield and become the defacto Kyle Richards: professional sidekick, stand-in kitchen remodel viewer, and mouthpiece of menace. John Sessa (and his barely buttoned shirt) needs to stick to training puppies to bite PK and leave the Housewives stuff to the big dogs. 

Kyle Richards & Camille Grammer

Tonight the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills travel to Hawaii to celebrate Camille Grammer‘s marriage. For an episode about Camille’s wedding, Kyle Richards is sure getting a lot of attention. Unfortunately.

Lisa Rinna and Dorit Kemsley are dateless and have only each other to worry about. Which is probably a welcome reprieve! Meanwhile, Kyle is stuck babysitting Mauricio Umansky. Since she doesn’t have any of her daughters to hover over Kyle probably loves this. And basking in the sun and the booze certainly brings out the Maurice in Mauricio!

Tom Sandoval & Ariana Madix

Whew – we have crossed the finish line with season 7 of Vanderpump Rules and I am here to report that this reunion did not need to be 3 parts. There – recap done!

OK, kidding. I actually felt there were some illuminating moments. Like the glimpse of Katie Maloney‘s hubris. Wowee-wow-WOW. Katie literally always sees herself as the victim. She blames James Kennedy for the internet hating her but the internet rightfully hated Katie long before her antics this season! As Tom 1 never really got a chance to say courtesy of James’ interrupitis – a germ passed from Kristen Doute – Katie has been a rancid bottle of ranch dressing since season 1. Katie’s OWN putrid behavior is the reason the Twitterverse rails on her – it has nothing to do with James or her weight (or her husband’s manhood – how is that not also body shaming?). Let’s just say Katie is giving marriage, ranch dressing, the internet, and humanity a bad name. Oh, and also clothing.

Beau Clark & Stassi Schroeder

Tonight is the finale segment of the Vanderpump Rules reunion and after James Kennedy fled the stage there’s nothing else for them to do but discuss all the boring stuff none of us care about.

I’m totally over this season (and this cast). Subsequently, I am thrilled that this is the final episode of a long (and largely pointless season). So, I say pull the curtain on this mess and flip the script.

Real Housewives Of New York

On last night’s Real Housewives Of New York, the women traveled upstate – like way upstate – to have another intervention with Luann de Lesseps. This time about how her cabaret has become unmanageable and out of control.

Sonja Morgan rides to Luann’s Catskills home in the equivalent of a private jet on wheels. Basically, a camper van repurposed into a luxury hotel room. It still has more amenities than the townhouse, though, because it features a working toilet!

Luann de Lesseps - Real Housewives Of New York

Tonight the Real Housewives Of New York travel to Kingston, NY to visit Luann de Lesseps‘ “round house,” you know cause round things don’t have sharp edges, but they do have CABARET STARS. Which is worse: rooming with dead fish or feathers?

I am really hoping Round & Round & Round We Go Cottage is going to become The Berkshires Round 2! At the very least I’m excited to check out the subject of Luann’s lawsuit