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Real Housewives Of New York Halloween

Well, Real Housewives Of New York is back with a vengeance! Did you guys miss them? More importantly did you miss me? Cause I haven’t written a Housewives recap in about a month and I’m worried I’ve lost my touch. Be kind, be gentle — love me. Treat me like production treated Jill Zarin last night.

Anyway, I don’t know if I like the choppy editing and zoom confessionals with bad audio, although I did love how Leah McSweeney just went full quarantine vibes by wearing a sweatsuit.

Speaking of Leah she goes out to dinner in China Town with her baby daddy Rob and their daughter Kier. This is so Leah can emphatically prove over and over again that she’s a real legit New Yorker, not some uptight upper east side wannabe maven.

Vanderpump Rules Andy Cohen Jax Taylor

Honestly what is left to say about Vanderpump Rules? Is there any point in discussing this? Can I bow out now with just a sayonara to the OG’s. We know that at least a 1/3 of the cast won’t return. Bravo hasn’t announced it yet, but I doubt we’ll see Lala Kent, Brittany Cartwright, or Jax Taylor next season. Well, not if they expect me to watch anyway. And we alllll know Bravo is catering things to my specific wants!

With sponsors and D-list celebrities cutting ties with Jax in response to his not-so-secret Twitter behavior, it’s only a matter of time. Like Ariana Madix pointed out during the season, Brittany is collateral damage.

But truly, after Jax got on national television, smugly insulted his boss and tried to call Andy Cohen out, I think it’s time for ‘his show’ to end. Jax’s ego is out of fucking control! He’s gross, slimy, a liar, a racist, a homophobe, and emotionally abusive to his wife. He’s also emotionally abusive to his castmates. Stassi Schroeder, who really has no room to talk, said at this point everyone is afraid to confront Jax because he’s so vicious. 

Real Housewives Of New York Tinsley Mortimer

Well, everything stayed the same on Real Housewives Of New York except for one little fairy, who reclaimed her light, and flew away to the hope of a giant walk-in closet with a promising sparkle in her eye. That’s right, Tinsley Mortimer has left the building. Specifically, she’s left the long-term hotel she was living in.

In secret Tinsley went on an overnight rendezvous to visit Scott Kluth. Then she decided, on a whim, to return to NY, pack her stuff and move to Chicago! It was now or never. It was that or be looking down the barrel of turning into either Ramona Singer or Dorinda Medley. Tinsley does not need to learn her lesson twice as to what happens when you choose Real Housewives Of New York over being a real and actual housewife. She doesn’t want to be crying over eggs for the rest of her life!

Vanderpump Rules Kristen Doute

It almost seems pointless to write this in light of the latest news that Stassi Schroeder, Kristen Doute, Max Boyens, and Brett Caprioni were fired from Vanderpump Rules for racist remarks and behaviors.

Honestly watching part 2 of the Vanderpump Rules reunion was like watching a zoom full of ghosts.

This firing is long overdue in the case of Stassi who has a history of awful statements. I also think it’s time for Jax Taylor to face those same consequences for his rampant misogyny and disgusting homophobic and transphobic statements. Statements he has made in front of Andy Cohen on WWHL. While Vanderpump Rules may be ‘Jax’s show’ (in his own hubristic mind!), WWHL is Andy’s show. And Andy, like Lisa Vanderpump, has let this crap go completely unchecked for way too long. 

Below deck Mediterranean Hannah Ferrier

Wow. Lara Flumani has set a new record for the worst stews in the history of Below Deck Mediterranean. And that is a show that has no shortage of emotionally challenging stewardesses! It’s almost like the editors wanted to give Hannah Ferrier a redemption send-off so they hired a person who would definitely make Hannah look good, no matter what.

Lara and Hannah just can’t seem to find any common ground. I blame Lara who views the entire world as being made of extra sharp knives she has to walk over. I refuse to believe she was some sort of super stew, as she claimed on her CV.

Lara has decided that Hannah is not her boss because she doesn’t like to be bossed, whereas Hannah has decided that Lara definitely needs to be bossed. And sassed. Honey. While the guests are playing an after-dinner drinking game, Lara and Hannah are arguing while clearing the table. This all came about because Lara feels condescended to by Hannah requesting she do 3rd stew responsibilities because she has a bad attitude. So hat does Lara do but fight bad attitude with a bad attitude.

Real Housewives Of New York Ramona Singer Sonja Morgan

If Dorit Kemsley were designing a dining room for the women of Real Housewives Of New York it would require padded walls (and floors), plus a vacuum that descended from the ceiling to pick loose clumps of food and spilled drinks. It would also need each table to come equipped with a megaphone and tissue dispensers. And possibly, if we’re being really ambitious it would need men, of any ilk and sort, schlubby, stuffy, dad bod, inappropriately clad, drunk, dull, droids – whatever as look as they seem convincing male-ish, they’ll pass. And never get between a Real Housewife of New York and a man!

In Newport, Rhode Island where Ramona Singer is pretending to be of the puritanical Mayfair class that Tinsley Mortimer hails from, no one can behave. Leah McSweeney is throwing anything she can pick up, and now they’re in yet another bar having yet another emotional meltdown. Honestly — someone just put hormones in their drinks because it’s like everyone in this cast is constantly PMSing.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Lisa Rinna

Sheesh, the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills are a bunch of hypocritical shrews, but Lisa Rinna is quickly emerging as the leader of that pack.

There is something going on here where these women are attempting to gaslight Denise Richards, who won’t allow it. Somehow a conversation where Denise, almost jokingly, revealed to Erika Jayne that her daughter, Sami, overheard them talking about three-ways, has turned these women into a teeming frothing mob shrieking that Denise is mom-shaming and accusing them of being unfit parents. I’m sorry… I missed when that happened? Actually, Denise is right – they are mom-shaming her!

They are repeatedly and constantly bringing up irrelevant things that, in their minds, implicates Denise as a hypocritical slut who set a skanky bad example for her children, but is now projecting her own deep loathing shame onto them. At least that’s what Dr. Lipsa, consumer of self-help books from the 90’s, believes.

Elyse Slaine RHONY Real Housewives of New York

Elyse Slaine may not be doing much on Real Housewives Of New York, but it’s a shame because there are so many skeletons in her closet. Dorinda Medley hinted at them on last week’s’ episode, and since I am oh-so-nosy it prompted me to do some digging.

After all, Bravo doesn’t hire the saintly types. Even if Elyse hasn’t officially been hired, you know Bravo wouldn’t give her the time of day if there wasn’t something nefarious to dig into!

Let’s just say the Elyse in the history books of Page Six (once called one of Wall Street’s “most fascinating first wives,”) is far more interesting than the Elyse who is lecturing Leah McSweeney on propriety and alcohol consumption (although to be fairness Tiki Torches McStabby probably does need a good talking-to).