Big Brother is baaaa-aaack!!  It’s officially summer!

Big Brother 14 features 12 new houseguests, each hoping to be the next big reality TV star and $500,000 richer, and 4 returning “epic” Big Brother players. CBS explains why we can’t just have new blood, “In a series first, four of the most successful players to ever enter the Big Brother house, will return to play their own game and for their own separate prize.”  Whatever, CBS, this better not suck!

As always, Big Brother is hosted by the lovely Julie Chen. She’s really working the camera tonight – stage left, stage right, wiggle your shoulders, back to stage right, descend the stairs, flawlessly sit down. Tough gig.

Big Brother is finally here. Let’s get on with it.


Meet the Hamsters

Frank works out and reads to prepare. Why not? He doesn’t have anything else to do since he’s unemployed. He’s channeling his inner Richard Simmons with his work out attire. He has a lot of hair.

Danielle is a nurse from the south. She’s a self-proclaimed girly girl. She’s SO toast if she doesn’t form an alliance.

Shane is filling the “hottie” role this season. He flips houses for a living. Well, he flips houses for a hobby. The houses have to actually sell to consider it making a living. Cute necklace. I wore a similar shell necklace at the beach when I was 12. He’ll be the first one to have sex on camera. Probably with Kara.

Jodi recently married a man who has five kids. Craaazzzy.

Ian is a chemical engineering student. His “high-q” is going to give him an edge in the competition, he says. He looks like he’s 13 1/2. Nerdy but nice.

Wil (with one L) wants us to know he’s not your typical southern gay. He’s tough and going to kick some “booty.” Yeah, okay, rock on with your bad self.  But could you please never assault my eyes with that green speedo again?  His hair is fabulous.

Just checking, if there’s a double letter at the end of your name, is it expendable? Wil joins Jef from Bachelorette in starting a new trend among reality TV stars, I guess. Also like Jef, I was quick to prejudge him. He just might end up being one of my favorite players this season.

Willie is Survivor villian Russell Hantz‘s brother. Willie’s favorite past time is dry humping his fridge. He will do anything it takes to win. I also like him much more than I was expecting to.

JoJo, future star of Real Housewives of New York, is born and raised “Brooklyn.” She has gold digger written all over her. She’s going to annoy. She’s one bottle of wine away from a hot mess.

Kara is a model. She forgets to mention the Playboy part. She has the uncanny ability to do handstands and cartwheels in a string bikini without losing her top. In fact, her boobs don’t even move. This will help her game, for sure.

Joe is a chef. He’s either going to feed the houseguests or burn down the house.

Jenn is a tattooed Puerto Rican lesbian rock star. That’s a mouthful! She seems super cool, down to earth, and ready to play!

Ashley is a spray tan technician. Nothing else to see here.

Dude, Where’s My Key?

“What’s with the card?  I want a key!” is a common complaint from the new houseguests.

And… They’re Off!

Julie lets them into the house.

Wil thinks he and Frank will bond over their excessive amounts of hair. Danielle has never seen anyone like Jenn in person. Oh boy.

JoJo – annoys.  Told you.

Ashley wants to turn JoJo into a My Little Pony and Kara into a Barbie doll, and then she wants to carry them around in her pocket. What the hell?! Too many tanning fumes.

Joe thinks Wil is one of the prettiest chicks in the house. Joe and Wil are one bottle of wine away from a showmance. Wil’s career is “flash mob coordinator.”

Ian immediately sniffs out Willie‘s “Hantz” connection.

Danielle is the first one to lie about her career. Instead of being a “super intimidating” nurse, she plays the part of a “dumbed down” kindergarten teacher. Seriously? She is so sheltered, naive, and clueless.

Ashley, “I’m a mobile spray tanner.” <crickets>

Ian cannot hide his genius. I mean, look at those glasses, so he just fesses up to studying engineering. Ashley has the hots for Ian. Sorry, Ashley, Ian thinks Kara is the cutest thing on the face of the planet. Wait until he sees Kara’s boobs do a handstand. He’s going to pee his pants!

Frank says he’s looking for work.  Jodi thinks he’s lying.


First Twist – Welcoming Back Four of the Best Players, Ever!

Says who, exactly?

In one of the worst kept secrets ever, returning to the house are Mike Boogie Malin, Janelle Pierzina, Dan Gheesling, and Britney Haynes.

Mike Boogie played in season 2 and season 7 all stars. He won season 7. In season 2, Boogie and Will Kirby paired up and formed the alliance Chilltown. Will won that season after manipulating everyone. Chilltown reunited for the All-Star season. Mike Boogie won. Chilltown is one of the most kick ass and entertaining reality TV alliances ever. Boogie is a dad now – weird – didn’t think he had it in him!

Dan played and won the game in season 10. He was the first player to ever win by an unanimous vote. Dan temporarily served as America’s Player. One of his tasks was to hug Jessie Godderz, a narcissistic bodybuilder, for ten seconds. The awkward hug, especially Jesse’s facial expressions during the hug, is easily one of my favorite Big Brother moments ever. Dan is a football coach, who talks like a football coach, 24/7.

Janelle played the game in season 6 and season 7 all stars. She’s a fan favorite. She’s smart, pretty, and likable. She’s a fierce competitor – holding the record for the most competition wins (9) in a single season. She coined the popular Big Brother phrase, “Bye Bye, Bitches!” Janelle cast the vote to evict Boogie’s BFF Will in Big Brother All Stars. In return, Boogie evicted Janelle at final three. Are there any lingering hard feelings?!? Let’s hope so! Janelle is now married with a baby.

Britney showed up for season 12. I hesitate to say she actually played the game. Really, she GOT PLAYED by the Brigade. She’s back, I assume, as a fan favorite. She masterfully blends snarky mean girl and funny as hell. Britney‘s diary room confessions are must-see TV. She’s married now, but not to her then-fiance Nick.

When Chenbot announces that past players are coming into the house, the new houseguests about die. They look horrified. Understandable after the disaster that was last season. They lighten up a little bit after the “as coaches and not competitors” explanation. Each coach will choose 3 hamsters to mold and guide through the game. The coach who gets one of their hamsters to the end will win $100,000.

Everyone is happy, happy right now. But, sooner or later, the newbies are going to say “F- you!” to their coach and play their own game.

Dan, Janelle, and Boogie all figure out who Willie is.

Ian is definitely the super fan of the season. He’s star struck. By the time the last of the four walks through the door, he looks like he’s about to hyperventilate. He says to Boogie, “I was 10 when you won!” HILARIOUS.


Coaches Pick Teams 

The coaches pick their teams based on first impressions. They pick ’em elementary school gym class “if you’re last, you’re a loser!” style.

Team Britney

Team Mike Boogie

Team Janelle

Team Dan

Joe is picked second to last as Jodi is begging, “Please don’t let me be picked last!”

She jinxed herself. Sad for Jodi, this isn’t the only time tonight she’ll be a loser.

Dude, Earn Your Key!

Sad news.  There are 12 new houseguests but only 11 keys.  There will be an elimination TONIGHT.

HoH and – Second Twist – Elimination

I never knew how badly I wanted to see Mike Boogie in pink jammies until I saw Mike Boogie in pink jammies. It was worth the wait, my friends. Worth. the. wait.

They’re competing in this competition as teams. The coach of the winning team picks the first HoH. The coach of the losing team has to evict one of his or her own teammates.

The task involves moving from the starting bed, onto a bouncy bed, onto a spinning bed, onto a tilting bed, grab a teddy bear, carry said bear back across the crazy beds to the static bed, and place teddy bear on a shelf. The first team to move three bears over and turn off their night light wins.

Shane moves the first bear for Team Britney.

Wil moves the first bear for Team Janelle.

Shane and Wil are teddy bear challenge ninjas! Wil is going to be a force to be reckoned with, I think. I’m completely shocked.

Frank gets the first bear for Team Boogie.

Dan‘s team is a nightmare.  Jodi face plants into the tilting bed.

Will says, “It’s like WW3 up in this house. People are flying and flopping like flapjacks.”

JoJo moves the last bear for the win for Team Britney. Never in a million years did I expect that much commitment to the game from her. She fell, like, 132 times, but she never gave up or cried.

Janelle’s team finishes second, followed by Boogie’s team.

Team Dan loses the challenge.

I’ve seen enough of Ashley and Danielle’s ass cheeks for the rest of the season.

Britney chooses Willie for HoH.  Willie now knows what it’s like to “win a Super Bowl.”

Dan evicts Jodi from the Big Brother house.

Final Thoughts

Not too bad!  I’m SO PUMPED. Granted that could be the two large frappes and three large diet cokes I’ve consumed in the past 5 hours on little to no sleep with a stomach full of the most scrumptious lettuce ever (freaking diet). Maybe?

Nah! It’s Big Brother.

Not just that, it’s Big Brother without Rachel, Brendon, Brendon and Rachel, Jeff, Jordan, Jeff and Jordan. Thank you, CBS!

Until… Rachel walks through the front door. (Gah, it’s bound to happen!) If any of them do, I’m putting my money on her, as most of the houseguests said they hate her in their preseason interviews.

Honestly, we’re down to 11 players on night one on the season with the “most houseguests ever.” You know something is brewing.  Either more people are coming in or we’ll lose the “coaches” facade, and the four will flip to competitors.

Next time on Big Brother, nominations for eviction and we’ll learn about a NEW POWER! The live feeds are, ummm, live and Big Brother: After Dark will air every night on Showtime 2. Check back here throughout the week for spoilers leading into next Thursday’s live show.


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