Big Rich Texas Recap: Keep Your Vagina Away From My Booger!

Reality Tea is new to Big Rich Texas. Actually, so am I, so please be kind. There are way too many blondes and annoying voices to keep all of the characters straight. And they're all either holding or throwing wine glasses. Good thing the Hollywood Exes aren't the "Dallas Exes"… one little glass throwing incident sent those women into a tailspin. Their heads would explode over here.

Tuning in for the first time, I didn't know what to expect. I did not anticipate using "vagina" and "booger" in the recap title, that's for sure. Big Rich Texas sure knows how to keep it classy up in their fancy community. I also did not expect… I freaking love this show… in a trashy reality TV/guilty pleasure sort of way. Thank you, Reality Tea readers, for being so vocal about this hidden gem. My life will never be the same. Coincidentally, neither will my liver, because I have a feeling the Big Rich Texas shenanigans are much more fun to watch when paired with a glass of wine or a flask of vodka. Let's get this party started, shall we? 

For season three we have Bonnie Blossman, Leslie Birkland, Melissa Poe, Connie DiebDeAynni Hatley, and newcomer Cindy Davis. And, of course, their lovely daughters and borrowed pageant girl. Already this season, the ladies have had a botox party, where Melissa and Leslie fought, a casino party, where Melissa and Leslie fought, and a crab boil, where DeAynni slapped her daughter Shaye Hatley. Apparently, it's not the first time this has happened, either. Also, worth mentioning, Bonnie's daughter Whitney Whatley moved in with her boyfriend Booger and Leslie's been bragging about her never-before-seen billionaire boyfriend Kip.

Episode three starts with Leslie's borrowed pageant girl Kalyn Braun lounging by the pool with Tyler and new-on-the-scene Terry. Terry is a jockey at the ranch where Kalyn dresses like a Texan hooker to shovel horse poop. Maddie obsessively plays with her hair and makes fun of Kalyn's new occupation. Why anyone would leave a cupcake shop for a ranch is beyond me. On the couch, Kalyn says there's one big perk to scooping poop, "On my days off, I get to bring the hot boys to the country club. Job with benefits." 


Kalyn and Maddie discuss the aftermath of the crab boil, which went sour courtesy of Nikki Walker snitching, "the kids were asking about alcohol." Right on cue, Nikki, Whitney, and Alex slither out. A fresh-faced Whitney tells Nikki, "That's the beauty queen." Kalyn responds, "I'm not a beauty queen anymore." Whitney retorts, "You never were." Kalyn is like, bitch, please, have you seen my crowns and trophies? Whitney is like, whatever, baby beauty pageant queen. Then, Whitney asks Kalyn if Terry is also a relative that she's sleeping with. Kalyn, her Godbrother/sometimes boyfriend, and her new boy toy walk out. Whitney yells, "Bye, skank!"

Bonnie and Connie meet up with DeAynni, who is super excited about a new company she started, called Texas Diva Remodeling and Construction. DeAynni adds, "No guys allowed." You know, except for the guys who are doing all the "remodeling and construction" work, which leaves DeAynni to fill the "Texas diva" part of the title.

After DeAynni shows off her brilliant idea to remove wallpaper and paint walls white, she tells Bonnie and Connie that the failing economy made her Big Broke Texas. She reveals she and her family rent their big house, Shaye worries (hopes?) the electric company takes people's kids when they don't pay their bills, and her husband Dan questions his worth. DeAynni shares, "I was scared sometimes when Dan would go out drinking … I was worried that I would lose him." On the couch, DeAynni explains, "I need this company to do well for my family, for my girls to see what a strong role model I am, and how much I love them. I'm not just talking and yelling at them all the time, I'm also a doer." 

Next up, DeAynni announces a high tea at the country club, complete with big hats, beautiful dresses, and down-pointing pinkies. First of all, DeAynni's hat is bright pink, obnoxious, and bigger than Kim Kardashian's ass. Bonnie's fuzzy pale pink hat, on the other hand, is adorable. Cindy, Bonnie, and Leslie enjoy their tea a little bit more after Cindy pulls a flask full of vodka out of her purse. On the couch, Bonnie says, "Anybody who has a pink blinged-out flask is okay in my book. And.. she shares." 

Cindy complains, "I bought 30 pairs of shoes this week because I was bored." Rich people's problems. Bonnie digests this information and asks Cindy, "What do you do?" Cindy answers "shop." Bonnie is like, no, what's your career… Cindy is like, yeah, I've heard of those things, I think I encountered someone once who had a one, but I just shop. Cindy says, "I'm always around the same groups of women, and you don't want to show up in the same thing!" (horrors!) Bonnie asks Cindy if she ever feels guilty about her excessive shopping. Cindy explains, she donates what she never wears, which makes her feel better about herself, and Bonnie and Leslie share a look

DeAynni approaches the table, and says "long time no see" to Cindy. On the couch, DeAynni explains, "I'm not bothered by seeing Cindy at the tea. She is going to have to learn that I parent Shaye the way that I do, and she's just going to have to mind her own business." DeAynni tries to make a dig by pointing out that Cindy's daughter Alex is sitting at a different table… it totally falls flat. 

Cindy plays nice, but Melissa confronts DeAynni. Melissa starts off with… it's not my business… but when has that little fact ever stopped Melissa? So, she continues, "I grew up and lived in an abusive home and sometimes when I get around you and Shaye, it feels like that." DeAynni says she isn't going to beat her, but she will manhandle, or mommy handle, her a little bit. DeAynni adds, "I don't tell you how to parent Maddie…" Melissa raises her voice, then, and berates DeAynni. DeAynni says Shaye is a "smart mouth who need to learn when to open her mouth and when to close it." Melissa tells DeAynni that she's borderline abusive, DeAynni tells Melissa that she needs to mind her own business, and then DeAynni thanks everyone for attending her tea and leaves.

Next up, Melissa and Bonnie play tennis against Cindy and Leslie. As if that isn't weird enough, Cindy invites everyone to a doggie party. Back to tennis, Bonnie and Melissa win the match. Bonnie high fives Leslie, Melissa high fives Cindy, Cindy high fives Bonnie, and Leslie ignores Melissa's high five. Cindy says to Leslie, "I say, let's go get a drink." Leslie says, "I'm in!" Bonnie, unsure, asks Melissa, "So, we're going to go get a drink?" Melissa says she thinks so, and then they look at the other two, waiting for confirmation… wait for it… wait for it… nothing. Leslie and Cindy walk away, saying, "See y'all later!"

Still no Rip in the flesh, but Leslie invites DeAynni to Rip's fabulous apartment to discuss a closet renovation. Isn't Leslie just so lucky? OMG, so lucky I want to shove pencils in my ears every time she talks to the camera. She gushes, "I have been spending so much time at Rip's lately that he suggested I take one of the closets – or EVEN his office – and turn it into my personal closet." Wow. Rip's apartment has a lovely view, and it's, like, 3000 square feet. Excuse me while I fan myself.

Enough gushing says DeAynni, let's get to work. Leslie skips over the other closets and goes right to Rip's office, which is bigger than my two-car garage. For a fleeting moment, Leslie worries about taking advantage of Rip, but she's distracted by thoughts of a shiny makeup vanity. Leslie, seeing dollar signs, adds more and more to the plans. In the end, Leslie says, "Let's do it! I think it's perfect." 

Kalyn and Tyler stop by Love – n – Hate, Booger's place of employment. Booger kind of greets them and asks why they're there. Tyler asks, "Is that how you treat all of your customers?" Booger is like, nope, just you guys. Kalyn brings up Whitney. Booger tells them Whitney is his dream girl… Tyler says she was his once too… Booger is like, well, thanks for letting her go. Umm, why are you guys here? Kalyn tells Booger she wants "something in the vagina region" pierced. It's awkward… and slutty.

In the season premiere, Leslie told Connie that she's no longer interested in her dead people clothing, because, in order to be the best dressed woman in Dallas, she needs to be buy new clothes. Now, Leslie hires Connie to be her personal stylist. When they go shopping, Leslie invites Bonnie and Cindy to join them. While Connie is busy choosing outfits for Leslie, Cindy asks her to fetch more champagne. What, Reality Tea? You don't shop with champagne? Bonnie doesn't appreciate Cindy asking Connie to refill the champagne. Cindy mumbles, "I don't know why she'd have a problem with it, it's part of her job." Then, Cindy goes off to look for clothes, and Connie looks like she's thinking, run along now, you wench. 

Booger tells Whitney about his (almost) run in with Kalyn's vagina. Whitney is pissed. On the couch, she says about Kalyn, "I can't believe that immature psycho disgusting bitch tried to flash her vagina to my boyfriend. She is a whore."

After DeAynni and Shaye argue about which is more apporpriate to be on a kitchen counter, a glass of orange juice or a smush-faced cat, DeAynni calls Leslie to finalize the plans for closet reno. DeAynni goes on and on about the office space, but Leslie tells DeAynni that she has decided to take over a closet instead. Basically, they're starting from scratch. DeAynni is annoyed. She says, "That little C U Next Tuesday kind of screwed me, didn't she? I appreciate the work, but I don't appreciate the double work."

Reality TV Stars’ Twitter Pictures Roundup – October 20th

EEK! It's time for the dog birthday party. How exciting weird. I guess the ladies need a reason to drink and it's too soon for another botox party. Bonnie shows up to the dog party dressed like a cat. Naturally. When Cindy sees Bonnie's doberman, she says, "Whoa. I'm sorry. I thought you knew this a party for small dogs." Cindy recovers from her shock and asks Bonnie, how could you not know that dog parties are for small dogs? Geesh.

Poor Ozzy. He's patiently sitting at the door, smiling and ready to party. Meanwhile, all the little dogs are out of control, yapping away. Bonnie says about Ozzy, "But he's nicer than I am." Hahaha. Still, Cindy sends them to the backyard. Shortly after, Whitney, also dressed like a cat, shows up with her own big dog, and Cindy says, "Oh no. The little ones are already traumatized because your mother brought that big beast-looking dog." Pandemonium ensues when one of the yappy dogs starts running towards the open door and Whitney's beast… dun, dun, dun… the party guests scream. As if Whitney's dog is licking his lips in anticipation of an afternoon snack, Cindy vows to save the little dog. Cindy tries her best to keep the dog inside whilst holding onto her glass of alcohol. I mean, a Dallas socialite has priorities. I'm happy to report, no small dogs were eaten and, more importantly, no alcohol was spilled. But..

Whitney, too, is sent to the back yard, where big dogs and their owners must sit in shame. Whitney shares, "I hate yappy dogs!" Bonnie agrees, "Dude, I know! Who wants little bitch dogs?" 

Next up, DeAynni agrees to meet Leslie to go over the closet reno. Again. Leslie whines about everything. Surely, Dee has confused Leslie with another client, because she hates everything. DeAynni takes offense. Leslie says, "This is the thing … I really feel like I really need to be wowed!"

DeAynni asks, "And I'm not wowing you?"

Leslie answers, "Not at all!" 

DeAynni throws down the paint samples and says, "I don't think you can be wowed, Leslie." Leslie isn't happy, and she informs DeAynni that she only hired her because she heard she needs the money.

Cut to Leslie and Cindy taking a seat at a restaurant. Obviously, they aren't aware Cindy has entered the building, because there's no drink in front of her. Good thing Cindy carries her own flask of vodka… she fills up her tank while she waits for service. On the couch, Leslie says, "I've been spending a lot of time with Cindy lately. So what if she drinks. That's what she does. That's her thing." Shopping and drinking… that's just what Cindy does… 

Anxious to dish, Leslie tells Cindy about the closet disaster. She's like, OMG, DeAynni fired me. Can you believe it? Annoyed, Leslie complains how she could have hired any closet designer, and Cindy is like, OMG, I know, everyone does that. Leslie says, "You know what? I'm just glad she didn't hit me." Cindy laughs, "I didn't even think of that! Or, is it just children she abuses?" Cindy comes back with, "If she hits me, I will send Kayln on her…." to what? To attack her with her vagina? Cindy changes the subject to the dog party. I can't even bring myself to talk about the discussion between the "small pony" dogs and the little dogs fear factor and whatnot. It's just too ridiculous. But, wow, it's crazy how stuff like this brought Leslie and Cindy together, isn't it? They declare their BFF status and leave. So sweet. 

It's a new day in Texas, so there's a new reason for the moms to get their drink on. Today's event is the annual Texas BBQ for the club. DeAynni says, "I'm excited! We have a lot of things for the kids to do and a lot of moonshine for the ladies to drink." Here comes Whitney, Booger, Bonnie, and Jason. Whitney and Booger are dressed as Native Americans. Did you expect any less? Cindy arrives and immediately sniffs out the drinks. 

Leslie shares, "It's awkward seeing Dee so soon after the closet blowup, but I'm going to smile until it hurts because I'm the bigger person. But… I'm not going to apologize." Leslie tries to make amends with DeAnnyi by basically reminding her that her fabulous billionaire boyfriend has countess billionare friends who might need someone to paint their walls white, so she best not piss her off again. DeAnnyi eats it up like a horse eats up an ear of corn. On the couch, she flashes a big toothy smile and gushes, "Some of Leslie's billionaire buddies might become some of my billionaire clients."  

Enough of those people, Whitney and Kalyn are getting ready to exchange words. Everyone at the BBQ now knows that Kalyn's vagina wants a piece of Booger. Whitney is like, bitch, please, you'll never get Booger. Kalyn is like, I don't want him, I just went there to get a rise out of you. Whitney, totally acting her age, says to Kalyn, "By the way… the whales called, and they want their blubber back." Booger loves the show. I find it incredibly disturbing that a character named Booger is my favorite person on this show. Kalyn goes back to her younger friends, rolls her eyes, and says, "It's funny how some people can't grow up, right?" 

Pot, Kettle. Kettle, Pot.

Pretty boy Tyler isn't sitting at the bar, so Cindy puts the moves on Bonnie's husband Jason, who clearly thinks he's in a boy band. In all fairness, there's a big red target on Jason's shirt… he's just begging for the drunken cougars to be hypnotized by his irresistible… something. Cindy informs him that she's "very" and "extremely" single, and thens she plays with his hair. Cindy comes to the conclusion that she needs to get to know Bonnie better, to get to Jason, I assume. Watching from afar, Bonnie has had enough and storms over to Cindy, who is talking about the dog party. Bonnie's over the dog party, but she's not over the post-tennis snub. Cindy slurs, "I was there with Leslie and you guys were kind of insignificant." Bonnie screams, "What the f**k is your problem?" Melissa can't let anyone steal her "making scenes at parties" thunder, so she comes between Bonnie and Cindy. Cindy leaves.

Melissa concludes, "We have a new bitch in town and apparently her name is Cindy."


Photo credit: Style Network