Real Housewives of Miami Recap: So I Married An Axe Murderer…


Last night on Real Housewives of Miami we were witness to the slooooowest wedding ever. I mean it took over five years and then some hours to finally get that thing officially off the ground, right?! 

Adriana de Moura was hours upon hours late to her own affair because she confused wedding with fashion show and was holed up in a suite getting dressed. Meanwhile downstairs the guests were sweating to death before passing out from hunger and finally giving up and leaving. Hopefully they all swung by McDonald's on their way out. 

Twenty-four hours before the big day, the drama begins. Adriana is having a stress attack and is so sick she's talking about skipping the whole thing to sleep. She pretty much did skip the whole thing but that's cause she was grooming. Speaking of grooming, despite just getting an IV of vitamins she needs Frederic Marq to give her a B-12 shot in the butt for more vitamins. Is it possible to be addicted to them?


Adriana is freaking out over a busy day of bikini waxing. She's got an amazon but wants a Sahara – Is the amazon like the Brazilian or is the amazon like the jungle? Whatever it is – I don't want to know. I want to be a Sahara of information. 




It's the day of the wedding, what exactly is Adriana wearing to prepare to prepare for her wedding? A golf cap, a backless top, and some mail-lady shorts. With gold wedges. Um… I'll chalk it up to pre-wedding frenzy.

None of Adriana's family attends. Since she's already been married before I guess they decided a vow renewal wasn't worth the trip. One sister did come and she looks so much like Adriana! The bridesmaids are all required to wear massive donut rings on their heads. Or as Marysol Patton describes them, "elephantitis of the testicle bun". By the time Lisa Hochstein shows up – an hour before the wedding – Adriana hasn't even gotten in the shower. The more they prompt her the more she procrastinates. Camera time seeking?

Things only get worse when Adriana decides it's time for a Jason from Friday the 13th facial mask. So I Married An Axe Murderer, anyone? I'm pretty sure she cut holes in a bunch of pieces of toilet paper and slapped them on her face. Frederic, unable to find a tux or something, barges into the room just in time for that sight.

Lisa leaps into action by shielding Frederic's view – "It's bad luck!" she shrieks. I doubt after all the drama and nonsense Adriana has put him through a little thing like that is scaring him away. Poor man. Maybe the bridesmaids were actually wearing Frederic's engorged testicles on their heads as buns. 

Adriana then proceeds to have an hours-long meltdown about how overwhelmed she is. She's laying down, whining, crying, complaining to Frederic that she has responsibilities, nothing is right, she won't get ready, everyone is waiting. Meanwhile, in what appears to be an un-air conditioned church, everyone's makeup is sweating off and their dresses are wilting while Adriana is ripping tulle and truly turning into Bride of Frankenstein.

Perhaps it was worth the wait cause Adriana looked STUNNING. Her dress, the hair, all of it was absolutely gorgeous. The ceremony was beautiful and they seem to truly love each other. Frederic's parents looked less than thrilled, however. Pretty much admitting she was married before, Adriana says the ceremony makes it valid what the paper (marriage license) has been saying for years. OK then… 

"She looks like something out of a fairy tale," Fembot gushes. And she acts like something out of a nightmare!


And for the guests, the nightmare is juuuust beginning! Everyone scrambles around looking for places to change. People are throwing on designer in the parking lot, the bathroom, a gift shop. What happened to that suite she was supposedly renting for their convenience? Although the reception looked fabulous the bride and the bridal party was quarantined in a suite getting dressed. Again! Seriously as Lisa said Adriana spent her wedding getting dressed. 


I thought the reception was supposed to be Great Gatsby themed but everyone was basically wearing over-the-hill prom dresses with plunge slits down the front. The only thing flapping was Fembot's dress strap which unable to contain "Lenny's creations" burst open. She was holding the 20-lb sequined Mrs. Pageant Queen gown up all night. 


Even worse the reception started at 9 and at 10:30 Adriana was still upstairs. Finally as the guests were fleeing in droves, perished and exhausted, Frederic stormed upstairs to demand Adriana put on her stupid headdress already and get down there. Marysol is embarrassed for Adriana that the guests she hired were fleeing the coop before she made her grand entrance. 


In the midst of a two-hour costume change into the least Great Gatsby themed costumes ever, when the reception was already beyond late, Alexia Echevarria chooses this time to encourage an argument between Marysol and Fembot! They have unresolved issues over the incident with Lea Black at Alexia's birthday party. Fembot says she felt Marysol behaved out of character. Marysol says there's just too much history for Lisa to comprehend. Lea thinks if Marysol cares about her mom so much she'd stop making her illness a storyline all about her. 




By the time the reception officially starts it's 11PM and Dr. Fakenstein has had it. After the super fake wedding, the only real moment of the show came between Fembot and her Creator as he announced he was over Adriana's crap and leaving. Lenny basically says he's just too exhausted, but Lisa is furious that he's leaving her. She feels "like a widow" because he's never around. 


Lenny stomps out but Lisa begs him to come back while he's waiting for the valet. He relents and agrees to stay for dinner, but isn't happy. Lisa admits they're having problems in their marriage and that she's embarrassed to be fighting in public. Look, I see Lenny's point. The man is a doctor, he works hellish hours, and then some reality star is hijacking his day off and forcing him to be in the wedding when they're not even close. Did I mention at 11pm dinner had not been served? Alexia says being late is a Latin thing, but um… just no. 




Everyone in Miami was invited to Adriana's wedding except for truth-teller Lea and broom-swinging blonde Joanna Krupa. Lucky broads. Instead they hung out in Lea's apartment-sized closet with a telescope and some wine spying on The Biltmore and snickering from a couple blocks away. Amen to serendipity, Lea guffaws her laugh permeating the harp and ringing like an alarm bell in Adriana's ear. Perhaps that's why she needed to put on that mask and go lie down… The truth can be like an axe murderer coming for you in the night, so be careful who you trust in your darkest moments. 

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