Real Housewives of Miami Recap: She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not…


Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Miami was brought to us by Lea Black's boobs. Was it me or were they borderline popping out in every scene? Did she pay a visit to Dr. Boob God recently?

Other than that, Joanna Krupa had a meltdown and threw a soap opera bitchfit which included kicking Lisa Hochstein out of her wedding party. And Lisa cried and whined and meddled and stirred the pot. Really, Lisa needs a hobby. Maybe crochet? 

Lea is creating The World of Lea Black which includes patenting that laugh and every time you open a Lea Black box it bursts out. She's creating handbags and writing books and skin care crap. I really don't know, but I guess it's a full-fledged industry in fabulosity. More power to her because at least she was doing this pre-Housewives so it's not just some schleppy storyline to give her a purpose on the show. Apparently it's a "movement". 


Lea has a purse launch where she invites all the ladies she likes (aka Fembot and Joanna) and Alexia Echevarria because they have a friendship of convenience and she has been nominated to represent the We Hate Lea Black club as a spy. Lemme just say I've seen the type of purses Lea makes at the Goodwill in areas populated by a lot of old people. Sorry – it had to be said but they looked dated and generic.

The launch is going well until Lisa decides to give herself a purpose besides flaunting Dr. Fakenstein's creations so she shuffles over to Lea, boobs leading the way, sits her down and through a champagne doozy tells her she needs to make amends with Adriana de Moura because it's destroying her inside. Lea coolly tells her if she wanted a therapist she'd hire one and this was neither the time nor the place. She goes on showing a purse to some person, I swear had a nipslip, and meanwhile Lisa complains to Joanna that Lea is mad at her over the exchange. 

Joanna, who guzzled like 19 bottles of champagne because she's stressed over wedding planning, calls Lea over to investigate. Long story short, Lea simply wants Fembot and everyone else to stop meddling in her Adriana mess and be her friend without an agenda. She also doesn't want her professional event ruined by immature behavior. And she also wants everyone to stop acting like Adriana is this sweet little Brazilian spitfire who didn't like LIE MANIPULATE AND GRIFT to get her way. Anyone remember all that ish? Joanna does! Oh Joanna certainly does and she has the bitchslap scars to prove it. 


Joanna calls Lisa out on being an instigator and being blinded by Brazil. Those two start shrieking and yelling at each other like two petulant teenaged girls and then Joanna kicks Lisa out of her wedding for being fake. Which is hilarious considering Lisa looks as if she's made entirely of high-grade silicon and robotic parts. She scares my husband who swears she used to look like a real person and doesn't understand how we are the same age. 

"I don't want to be in her G-D wedding," Lisa shrieks. "I mean it's six hours away and on a Thursday! Who has a wedding on a Thursday?!" Good point… and the answer: people trying to save money. Joanna loves a discount – we've seen given her wardrobe. 

Joanna also tries to eject Fembot from the purse launch but to prove a point she goes and sulks in the corner while cuddling her champagne glass and shooting laser eyes at Joanna. Be careful they may activate and that would be worse than getting shot! Eventually Lea and Alexia try to assuage the situation which ends up in another argument between two people who took 13 going on 30 literally. Lisa storms out, whines on a street corner about how obnoxious Joanna is and how no one understand that she just wants to help. Then she gets in her Ferrari and speeds off telling us she should have run Joanna over. 

Joanna thinks Fembot's hormone therapy is making her crazy and that she just needs to be a mom already and leave everyone alone. At home Joanna has changed into a Flashdance costume and cry-whines (crywhinies) to Romain about the wedding is a disaster. Ironically a vulnerable non-ball busting Romain is turned on by Joanna's neediness and suddenly he wants to have sex for like the first time ever. And Joanna is not in the mood. Oops!


With all of this happening Lea decides to unveil her newly redecorated mansion. Her ballroom, which is larger than my entire house, features some distracting floors which I'm sure are marble and travertine and some rare and precious stone I've never heard of. Perhaps crushed diamond inlay with rubies? Whatever, they were ugly. I also thought the kitchen was standard. Hillary on Love It or List It does a better job and with The Black's budget they could have gotten a helluva remodel! 

Lea's thrilled and ecstatic and doing her Lea-isms and high-pitched shriekies all over the place. Joanna shows up in a ballgown since she thought unveiling the ballroom actually meant ball and her hair looked like she forgot to take the curlers out and it was inspired by Betty White. Lisa shows up in day-glo clown shoe Louboutins that cost more than my mortgage and my car, but not worth it. And guess who else made an appearance?! Adriana. See Lea invited allllll the ladies – even the ones she hates because that's good drama and it's also good manners. 


Fembot and Alexia meddle some more and force Lea and Adriana to talk about how much they love, miss and need each other. And how Lea puts up a wall and ices everyone out except when she's writing them a fat check. Both ladies sniffle as much as their surgically annotated faces will allow and agree to put this behind them and attempt to mend the friendship. Shockingly they both admitted to some fault and bad behaviors in the whole mess. Which was nice. 


Meanwhile, Joanna apologizes to Fembot and admits she overreacted and was taking her wedding/Marta stress out on Lisa. Joanna says she "adores" Lisa and wants her back in the wedding party. Then she shares that Marta won't even show up for her bachelorette party cause she's too busy being in love or something in BFE Pennsylvania. Joanna is hurt by this and Fembot realizes through her plastic brain that Joanna's erratic behavior had nothing to do with her – and everything to do with alcohol and bad behavior. She agrees to be in Joanna's wedding. I wouldn't have re-accepted unless Joanna got on anti-psychotics, but that's just me! 

Then Joanna invites everyone – even Adriana – to Vegas to celebrate her bachelorette and Adriana seems genuinely surprised and happy. Maybe the producers didn't make Joanna do it… 

Best line of the episode: Lea on Joanna and Lisa fighting at her purse launch and ruining it: "Why not pick up a bag and bitchslap someone with it?!" It's good advertising after all! 

Photo Credits:


Please get to know our commenting policy!