Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Breast Friends Forever


Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Miami hit up Vegas for Joanna Krupa's bachelorette party. Lets just say some people took the cock-tails a leeeetle too far! Ahem… Lisa Hochstein

Since Joanna is trying to be nice she invited the entire RHOM crew, including Adriana de Moura. There were strict instructions that Adriana had to be on sedatives. Adriana's half-hearted apology to Lea Black didn't really patch things up, so they too still have an awkward tension. 

Lisa is thrilled to be getting away form Lenny 'cause they're having issues and she needs to let loose and get drunk. Fembot's adventures in Vegas are a recipe for disaster! First of all, Joanna makes all the ladies fly coach, which is hilarious. Lea is scrambling to stuff one of her 6000 purses in the carry-on hold and seems on the brink of meltdown. I swear Lisa probably almost missed the flight sprinting through the airport looking for an ATM when she realized you had to pay for booze in coach! 


Things get even more destitute when the girls have to travel from the airport to their hotel in an SUV. They're staying at The Palms. Maybe since Adrienne is only a 2% owner she doesn't get access to the limo…  In the Real World suite (that tired old room again), Lisa throws a temper tantrum over getting the best room and tries to outfox everyone by sprinting around laying claim. She gets stuck sharing a room with Lea. Adriana warns Fembot that Lea's "Christmas tree jewelry will scratch you in your sleep." 


The ladies head down to the pool for Joanna's bachelorette where they meet up with her real friends who are presumably paying for their own accommodations. Immediately Fembot starts guzzling the booze, like shots and drinks and drinks some more until she gets belligerent. Lea clings onto a pool umbrella for dear life because she doesn't fit in. Of course not – everyone else there is like 25 and looks like a swimsuit model. She feels like a "mom on springbreak". 

Then a little person named 5 Cent comes over and asks Lea to dance while Lisa shrieks about what a closet freak Lea is. Lea may not be the youngest or have the best fake boobs, but she certainly has the most fabulous poolside accessories. And jewelry! In a drunken stupor, Fembot says Lea is "twerking for a Birkin." Joanna signals to the bartender to cut Lisa off. Which sets Lisa off. Basically she was a mess, a very designer-dressed, gussied up mess. Lenny better sort out that malfunction before she really hurts herself! 


Back at the suite, Joanna and Alexia Echevarria are crawling on all fours and Lisa jumps on Joanna's back to ride her like a "work horse." Then the ladies decide to go swimming topless! Adriana is wearing the weirdest swimsuit ever, it was like completely sheer in the back so I couldn't tell if it was panties or a really racy bikini bottom. Lea of course does not partake but instead stands by the sidelines tut-tuting and having "the vapors" Dowager Countess Grantham style. She threatens to tell Herman if Alexia doesn't behave. Lisa kept her top on interestingly…

Whatever the case, instead of bitchslapping each other, Joanna and Adriana are bonding over boob jobs – apparently they have the same one. Lenny's work?

Later they do dinner complete with the normal bachelorette penis paraphernalia. Does Bravo have a deal with the Party City 18+ section because every franchise has had a penis straw this year! Lea doesn't want to partake in "panty dropper" shots or anything fun and instead is fanning herself over the audacity of everyone's behavior. That's a bit rich coming from Joe Francis' BFF. If Lea was gonna be such a party pooper and penis deflator, she should've stayed home – or at least left those silly fishnets there! 


Next it's a party bus where there are male strippers! Deja Housewives. Of course, they all start grinding on Lea and giving her a double-team lap dance. Lea's face while she was screaming and freaking out was the most her face has moved since after her S1 facelift! "I don't know why they're all over me. I guess they just have exquisite f–king taste," she laughs.


Then it's Lisa's turn to give Joanna a peep show! She and Adriana take turns werking it on the pole, because apparently when Adriana sees a pole she can't resist – similarly to how Fembot feels when she sees a cocktail! At some point Adriana ends up on top of Lisa grinding her crotch into her face and slapping her boobs. I was very worried she'd pop the Boob God's work and Adriana would have a lawsuit on her hands. Then she mounts a less willing Joanna, prompting Lea to scoff that she's trying too hard to be Joanna's BFF. 

There's dancing at a club and then it's back to the party bus where things really implode. I guess Lisa feels like everyone had been picking on her, and they were when Joanna joked that she could get a job working the stripper pole when Lenny leaves her. I think they were mostly annoyed that she was so trashed all day. She's humping the bars on the bus and jumping all over the place like a "monkey". Lea thinks she could get $8 + tips for that gig. Or at the very least $10! 

Out of nowhere Joanna and Lisa get into an argument about how Lisa doesn't work, stays in bed all day and that Joanna may or may nor be a whore. Not a famewhore, but a for realz whore. Joanna throws in Lisa's face that she's the one who married for money. Listen girls, we're all #TwerkingForABirkin at the end of the day!


Finally Alexia steps in and tells Lisa to get over herself, stop with the drinks and stop being such a dick or something. Fembot calls her boring and old. Eventually Lisa storms off the bus and leaves everyone shocked.

Last night needed an NC-17 rating – what was that raunchy crapfest?!

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