Real Housewives of Potomac: Error on the High Seas

After last week’s Real Housewives of Potomac, I had renewed hope that this franchise had beaten all of it could out of its overplayed etiquette theme and was ready to set sail in deeper waters. Perhaps the first season kinks, which are inevitable in a new franchise with a virtually unknown cast, are just getting worked out? I remain cautiously optimistic!    

Karen Huger and her daughter Rayvin are taking a self defense class together in preparation for Rayvin’s days on the mean streets of State College, PA. Karen was mugged last year on her way out of the mall, and she lost her cubic zirconia diamond necklace in the ordeal. But the perp didn’t snatch her diamond ring. Why? She slid it down into “never never land.” (Can we never never hear that reference again, please!?) In order that Rayvin not meet the same fate of shoving rings into coochie cracks, Karen helps her practice her punches and pummels. She is not ready to send Rayvin out into the world yet, though, and chokes up when they talk of college being just around the corner. Karen knows her daughter is strong and will thrive, but she reminds her to kick anyone’s a$$ who threatens her safety. And just in case, she bought her a pink stun gun.


In a conference room elsewhere, Ashley Darby and hubby Michael are preparing to interview an assistant for Ashley. She claims she doesn’t want to ride on Michael’s coattails; she wants to be an equal contributor to their new restaurant business venture so she can help her family and rise in the business world. The interviewees get chatted up about Taylor Swift and bunions by Ashley, while they’re grilled about random facts on Australia by Michael. So, when do the actual interviews start? There is also a dance-along and much talk about the didgeridoo. Because: professionalism. Ashley chooses Jasmine, the first interviewee, in the end. And Michael promises her a ride on his didgeridoo after lunch as a reward. (Excuse me while I dry heave for a moment….) 


At Charrisse Jackson-Jordan’s house, Robyn Dixon is visiting to chat poolside. They’ve been friendly since 2003 and Robyn says she has a closer bond with Charrisse than the other women due to their shared NBA-wife history. Robyn confesses that Juan is still looking for work, which may take him out of town. Charrisse can relate. Does Robyn still love Juan? Yes. And she still lives with him, sleeps with him, and has sex with him. But, she argues, they are NOT in a relationship! Huh? Robyn is hanging on to something here, because it’s not the money. 


On the other hand, Charrisse IS in a relationship with her current husband, Eddie, but ain’t no sleeping or sexing going on. Since Eddie’s out of state coaching job took hold, they’ve been living separate lives for three years, as Charrisse admitted last week. And she’s ready to take “drastic measures” at this point. Robyn seems shocked to hear this, and even more shocked to read the TEXT Charrisse sent Eddie to alert him about her divorce plans. Eddie just got #Porsha’d! Ouch.  


Gizelle Bryant is paying a social call to Karen to gossip about other people instead of each other. They recap Ashley’s birthday party and b*tch about the low brow cash bar she served up. Gizelle stiffed her bill that night, claiming not to understand she was actually expected to throw coins down on the bar for the event (an event which ended in a gifted Porsche, let’s recall!). Gizelle is still not feeling Ashley – on any level. Karen remains open to getting to know her though. Is she hoping to sniff the youth out of her hair? 

In order to get the group together trapped on a venue with no escape Karen announces she’s hosting a yacht party on the Potomac River. Let’s just let that sink in. Yacht? River? Okay…moving on!  Oh, wait – they’re sailing from Annapolis. So, a smidge of ocean will be involved! Karen notes that she will not force anyone to bring their wallet along, as a good hostess takes care of her guests.

Thunder booms outside as the ladies dish about the guest list. They’re concerned about Katie Rost, who acted like a $2 call girl at Ashley’s birthday party, practically humping her boyfriend Andrew, then jumping in Ashley’s Porsche, capped off by a double-bird “F*ck you!” as Ashley drove away at the end of the night. Gizelle has never seen Katie behave like this. Karen is not doing to say the “D” word, but it rhymes with MUGS. And Katie seems like she’s doing lots of them if this is the way she’s suddenly decided to act in public. As if on cue, the electricity cuts out just as the ladies decide to confront Katie about her behavior – out of “concern” of course <side eye> – the next time they see her.


Ashley is at home cutting fruit when her mom, Sheila, and brother, Zachary, show up. Ashley respects her Mom for doing a lot with a little when she raised her, and sees her as both a mom and a dad since she did it all as a single mother. Sheila’s hard times aren’t exactly behind her though. Over drinks, she tells Ashley she’s just filed for bankruptcy. (Maybe Robyn should Google that dirt and spread it all over town, eh?) Ashley tears up talking to her mom about the future. She wants to help her mom, but her mom doesn’t want a handout. Sheila promises that if she “really, really” needs help, she’ll ask. But she doesn’t want her daughter taking on her problems. 

Striking a pose at a local cafe, Katie is talking to Andrew on the phone while she waits for her tea date with Karen. Katie apologizes immediately to Karen about the PDA at Ashley’s birthday, and says she had to “rehab” from the party. Moving forward, Katie wants to act like a proper lady in front of Karen, so she changes the subject to the Rost Foundation. She’d like to do a casino night for charity and wants Karen’s help, Karen’s connections, and Karen’s blessing. She only has a month to put it together. Oh, and she wants to reach a goal of $100K in donations! So, can Karen help her? No. She cannot. #ShotDown


While Katie is scraping her dignity off of the booth, Gizelle is getting her single girl swag on! She’s back in the dating game, but the guy she’s meeting for date #2 has no game. Herman ain’t no scrub, but he’s also not edgy enough to keep up with Gizelle. While he thrills in feeding Gizelle a raw oyster, she muses that he’s a “good on paper” type of dude. Gizelle breaks down her criteria in men: “Just tell me you spent one night in jail, and I’m good.” Methinks Herman doesn’t meet this lone requirement. 


Since Herman does fit the bill for Plus One On A Yacht, Gizelle goes ahead and invites him to Karen’s party. She snarks that this will be date two and a half. If Herman makes it to date 4, it will be because #JesusFixedHim.

In an effort to appear more wifey, Katie is going golfing with Andrew. They meet up with Ashley and Michael, who are good sports about Katie forcing Andrew to grab her from behind to “coach” her. Neither woman is interested in golf, but they are interested in men who golf marrying them.

After the painful round is done, Katie tells Ashley about Karen’s rejection of her charity request. She also brings up Karen’s comments about Katie’s PDA, which Ashley just laughs off. Karen also told Katie that she and Ashley’s events cater to a “younger crowd.” Why is she so ageist? wonders Ashley, which sets Katie off on a tirade like, “Yeah! Why IS she ageist!?” It’s as if Ashley just delivered the exact line of bullsh*t excuse with which Katie can go forth and whine. And, out of the ashes of someone’s offhanded comment, another housewife drama is born!  

Meanwhile, Karen is back home laying out suits for her hubby Raymond and calling him on the intercom to come hither. The Black Bill Gates comes when he’s called, showing up promptly to check out the Garanimals ensemble assembled for his grown man play date tonight. As for Karen, she’ll be wearing a dress with lots of holes. Because that’s how the matriarchs of Potomac do it. 

Robyn, Juan, and their boys are playing basketball at their house, taking bets on who’ll win and cook breakfast in bed for each other. She’s not taking Juan to Karen’s event because it’s for couples, and they’re technically not a couple. The kids don’t even know they’re divorced, says Robyn. Whaaaaaaaaa? I’m loving Robyn so far, but her situation is just getting weirder and shadier with every new piece of information she lets drop. 


At the yacht, Karen’s guests arrive, including Michael who is sporting a Long John Silver’s pirate hat. He’s also brought along his .2 blood alcohol level for the evening. Karen says she loves this about him. Mmmmkay. Charrisse is bitter about being invited to a couples’ party, as everyone knows her other half is MIA. Gizelle schleps Herman along, who is promptly grilled by Katie about his intentions. Gizelle shuts that sh*t down faster than Katie can renovate her boyfriend’s house, because Herman is not here to spill the dirt. He’s here to provide Gizelle with the other half of the requisite couple needed for this evening’s soiree. 


After Karen and Ray toast their guests, Michael starts fishing around for accomplices to jump overboard with him. He’s ready to drop trow now, but is held back for the moment. Poor Herman is put on blast again, this time by Karen, who asks if he’s “Mr. Miami?” insinuating Gizelle’s got a man down south in contention for the ring. Gizelle understandably takes offense to Karen’s poop-stirring, but it’s Herman who has questions now. Who’s in Miami? Gizelle brushes it off, refusing to elaborate on her dating life with Herman. But she wants us to know she’s international, baby! Karen’s not just shady, notes Gizelle. She’s “full blown eclipse.” 

Katie takes Gizelle aside to discuss her charity prospects, and tells her about Karen shutting her down. Gizelle agrees that Katie was a hot mess at Ashley’s “teeny bopper birthday party,” and schools her that she cannot do that. Katie apologizes, saying she drank too much and acted a fool. Gizelle wonders if there’s more going on though. She does agree to help Katie with her charity though, provided Katie keeps her mess well contained in the future.  


In another corner of the yacht, Michael’s pants are now at half mast as he announces “I’m going swimming.” Ashley is decidedly not able to contain the mess that is her husband despite Karen’s strict instructions that she do so. Now. Gizelle’s all, “We black, Ashley. Black people don’t do this!” But Michael is feeling no pain at the moment, and he’s ready to climb that railing to #FREEDOM! Karen expresses shock that Michael doesn’t understand the basic rule of keeping one’s pants on at a Karen Huger Event. And I’m kind of loving him for not giving a rip! 

Before he can jump off this ship of fools, Michael concedes to zip up and stay on board. Karen doesn’t fault Ashley for her husband’s party foul. She does see it as an opportunity to mentor Ashley in the fakery of Potomac Etiquette, however. So…we can look forward to that! 

Ashley doesn’t seem disturbed one iota about Michael’s disappearing pants act, so she keeps it moving with a group invite to their Delaware beach house. This trip will be girls only or, as Ashley puts it, not for those with protrusions in their pants.

“What about a really big clit?” asks Katie. And the boat explodes. Roll credits.   


Photo Credit: Bravo