Now that we’ve had a week to let the
tragic stylings and whack accusations of The Real Housewives of Potomac Reunion, Part 1 sink in, I’d say we’re ready for the “mute” points to keep flyin’ on Part 2! The ladies are joined this week by two husbands who have a beef of their own over Karen Huger’s lady bits, and who does and does not want to see them (hint: no one. The answer is…NO one.).
Before we get to the hubby drama, Andy Cohen reintroduces the ladies of Potomac. Last seen, Robyn Dixon was calling for “SECURRRRRITY!” to stop her from beating Katie Rost’s petulant behind with her bedazzled shoe. Still heated as Katie continually cuts her off, Robyn shrugs, “F-k it!” then offers a “This b*tch” under her breath before continuing.
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Having gathered herself a bit while Charrisse Jackson-Jordan drones on, Robyn addresses Katie about race again. Why is Katie so offended by Robyn’s question about what “box” her children will check? Katie explains that it was insensitive, period. Robyn doesn’t see a simple question “to educate” her as offensive, and claims she didn’t mean any harm in asking it. Katie simmers down, offering an apology for cutting Robyn off earlier, and says she understands now. Alrighty then! Plus, Katie would rather be screaming at her real nemesis, Gizelle Bryant, than at her nemesis-by-proxy, Robyn. (Oh, Katie, thou art a Housewives Reunion Newbie! It matters not who you scream at! Just as long as you’re losing your mind on a couch dweller, it’s allllllllll good!)
Gizelle defends that she’s proud of who she is. Katie brings up Gizelle’s comment saying “they [white people] don’t like you” in reference to Katie wanting to claim her white heritage. Confused about how, where, and why the comment was spliced into the footage (is Gizelle using the classic editing excuse here?), Gizelle wonders how this show became all about race relations. Uh, because you constantly talk about it, accuses Katie. Gizelle explains her comment: if Katie is arrested, she’s black, not mixed. The world sees her as physically black, says Gizelle, and Katie agrees with this. Even the DMV checked the black box for her, apparently, without her input.
Katie defends having to pick a box for her kids though, who she says “don’t look black…right now.” Wow. This conversation is spiraling into weird and dangerous territory, and I can’t even begin to navigate the very rocky waters Katie is steering her ship into. Robyn and Gizelle, who have probably defended being black (not mixed) their entire lives, given their complexions and eye color, visibly bristle at Katie’s statements. They give each other a very pointed look.
Ashley Darby chimes in that “the two women who have the most European features” seem to be the most obsessed with identifying as black. Ashley references Robyn and Gizelle’s light hair color as further ammo, but Robyn is not having this argument. Ashley’s gonna have to come at her with something harder than hair if she wants to make a point, snipes Robyn.
So Ashley obliges, bringing up Robyn’s question about Michael Darby’s butt-grab felt round the world! “Is that a white thing?” was an ignorant question, insinuates Ashley (and Robyn has already admitted as much on the season finale). But was it also racist? Robyn’s like, no, no, and NO. She explains that black guys may give each other a tap-tap on the court, but “Jaun Dixon would knock Michael out cold on the floor if he would have grabbed his butt!” Ashley defends that Andrew (the grabee) and Michael (the grabber) are friends, so it’s no biggie. As for Andy Cohen, he jokes that he’d like a little grab-ass to come his way now and again.
Ah, it’s time for Charrisse to take the hot seat! Before the reunion, I would have definitely voted Charrisse Most Improved Housewife. She started the season out on one long mean-mug, but seemed to come around as the calm voice of reason by the finale. But now, she’s sadly back to her grouchy ass ways as they all face off on the couches. Maybe that $80k birthday bash high wore off? #80thousandproblems
We review Charrisse’s fabulous life, followed by her not so fabulous reality. Her husband Eddie has been out of the picture for a long time, and they’re headed for divorce. An update on Eddie: he’s been let go at Rutgers, and is now – according to Charrrrrriiiiissssse – “probably looking for whatever job he can get.” #Burn! Will that job be near Potomac? Nope. Are they discussing divorce? Nope. Does she still love him? Yeah, sure, and she wants to stay committed to her vows. Ashley (and the rest of the TV viewing audience) is like, huh? But Charrisse just plays off her “I WANT A DIVORCE!” text as part and parcel of her schizophrenic nature.
Gizelle asks Charrisse if she’ll be sending any more of those “stank messages” about her marriage, like the text she sent everyone about people snooping around. Charrisse acts like she doesn’t know what Gizelle is talking about, but she warns that no one better spread rumors that put her kids on blast. She doesn’t go around saying Gizelle’s a whore, after all!
Like she did just now. Then they go round and round in circles about who said what about Eddie, and it’s all just one giant deflection from the issue at hand. Charrisse’s husband is MISSING. Put his picture on the side of a milk carton. #WhereIsEddie? #1800FINDEDDIE!
So, who’s close now? Charrisse says she’s surprisingly close with Katie, but finds the delusional Karen of the Farm, Burger King, and Taco Bell – who’s been calling herself the “star of the show!” – a bit hard to take. Everybody laughs their sequins off at Charrisse’s impression of the Great and Delusional Karen, who apparently feels too famous to even be seen walking around like a mere mortal on the strip mall sidewalks of Potomac these days. Charrisse has no problem showing her flaws though, admitting that she has no regrets about exposing her vulnerability on the show. So why is she acting so weird about the divorce drama now?
As promised last week, Andy returns to his line of questioning about Katie and Andrew’s engagement. Is it on or off? And why is he not here? Katie tears up explaining that they were on their way to NY for the reunion, had a fight, and Katie gave him her ring back. She admits that they’ve been off and on for months though, and that Andrew’s been gone all of the time. Katie also admits she was sort of on a campaign to get that ring in an attempt to fix the hot mess of her failed 14-month marriage that produced three children.
Andy asks how Katie’s kids have been affected? They’re confused, she says. And now I’m confused too because we suddenly shift to Katie talking about being bisexual! Ashley admits she’s taken a dip in the lady pond, and actually had a girlfriend for awhile. The other women are adamantly anti-lady pond, especially The Grand Dame! But Katie would totally hook up with Charrisse and Ashley – and have hate sex with Gizelle!
Speaking of other unrealistic fantasies, Katie claims her charity bash is still in the works. She’s not delusional, she’s just not…ready. To raise money. Or throw events. Or stay engaged to her heterosexual partner. But delusional? Nah!
Moving on to Ashley, we revisit the strange and winding road of Karen’s role as mentor to defender to arch enemy of RHOP’s newbie. Michael Darby and Black Bill Gates Raymond Huger join the ladies to weigh in. Why did Karen look down on Ashley and Michael all season? Karen says she likes them, but the age difference keeps them distant. Ashley sees that as irrelevant. Karen brings up Michael crashing their girls’ trip at Bethany Beach, which grown-up BBG would have never done!
Michael is not trifling with Karen over who’s grown and who’s not, telling her straight up “I’m older than you” and didn’t deserve to be treated like #TheHelp in his own home – no matter the circumstances. BBG inanely accuses Michael of wanting to have a “male fantasy situation” at his beach house with seven women surrounding him in varying states of undress. Ashley is squeaky-screamy trying to defend her hubby against such an asinine, laughable claim. But it’s Michael who finally says what most of us have been thinking: in what universe would Michael, who’s married to hot young thang Ashley, want to see Karen running around in her underthings!?!?!?!?!?!?
Karen still thinks Michael is a freak, and will never be coming to his house again. Good, because she’s not invited, snaps Ashley. Does Karen think Michael is gay, though? For Ashley’s sake, she hopes not. Michael defends his butt-grab: it’s an Australian thing! Andy wants to move there, then! But Raymond needs to steer clear.
Regarding Karen’s vile comment about Michael ejaculating in Ashley, Karen says she just wants Ashley to procreate so she stays out of her kids’ business. She also thinks Ashley needs to adjust her meds! Then why did she have Ashley trying on bathing suits for her daughter at the beginning of the season? Because she didn’t know how low class and sex depraved she was! Karen argues. Yeah, Andy concedes, but wasn’t it Mrs. Huger who was going on about “Ray filling her holes”
and practically letting a nip slip out of her pink dress in her interview segments? Karen’s all, “Whatever!”
Moving on to Gizelle’s
lack of a storyline dating life, she says she’s getting more offers since appearing on the show. She’s not dating anyone in particular now though. Andy asks if the ladies think Gizelle gets involved in others’ business too much. Yeah. But Karen is the worst. And narcissistic, which Charrisse – the walking brokedown dictionary – defines as “taking pride in tearing down the lives of others to make themselves feel good.” Robyn doesn’t trust Charrisse.com, so she consults Dictionary.com on her phone to discover the actual definition of narcissism (which, okay, Karen does actually have!), which has little to do with Charrisse’s philosophizing. #NiceTry. The point is mute! It’s a fraudulent slip! (Can we get this hilarious sh*t on RHOP t-shirts, please!?)
Well, Ashley and Michael may be freaks to the likes of Karen Huger. But it’s Katie and Andrew who blew right through the roof of their freak meters the night they made out at Ashley’s birthday party. But was she “on” something, as Gizelle accused? No, says Katie. She just drank to much. Mmmmmmkay. The rest of the ladies were also concerned, though. Gizelle puts Katie on blast: she couldn’t stand up that night, nor could she string sentences together. “Drunk, high, pill-poppin’, whatever! Just don’t do it!” barks Gizelle, who also claims Katie peed on a couch during a promotional shoot! (Does Katie need to transfer franchises? RHOC, perhaps? #WooHoo!)
Despite their similarities as divorced women with twins, Gizelle and Katie just didn’t bond. Katie blames Gizelle’s narcissism (it’s the Peewee Playhouse word of the day!), and Gizelle blames Katie’s fakery. Whatever their reasons, there’s no love connection here, period.
So, are these women glad they signed up for this RHOP carny ride? Charrisse and Ashley say yes. For Robyn, it’s shined a light on her messy relationship. “I realized I’ve gotta figure that out,” she confesses. Katie is ending the season single after thirsting for a ring so hard, she needs IV fluids. Gizelle says season one of RHOP is “the best thing anyone’s ever seen.” And she’s also the cool mom in her house now, so it’s a win-win in Gizelle’s world!
Before they can toast to that, Charrisse abruptly halts the action to make a deathbed confession: since doing the show, Eddie isn’t talking to her AT ALL. Andy is stunned silent, but Karen comforts her and tries to redirect the toast toward toward a more positive vibe. She’s hurting for Charrisse, she says, and hopes Charrisse will call her anytime she needs to talk (as long as she doesn’t repeat anything Karen says – like, ever).
And with that, we’re done! Season one of The Real Housewives of Potomac is boiled like a crab and DONE! Already renewed for season two, it’s tough to say what new direction the producers might take it in. Cast shakeups? Kitchen upgrades? Fewer etiquette lessons? It’s too soon to tell. But I’ll admit, I grew to like these ladies mixing it up on Bravo each week with their own brand of insanity. And it’s worth noting that no matter how loony they got, not one glass of wine was tossed in anyone’s face, not one wig was pulled, nor was anyone physically assaulted the entire season. Maybe these housewives do have manners, after all?
TELL US: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF KATIE AND ANDREW’S ON-AGAIN-OFF-AGAIN RELATIONSHIP? IS KAREN THE STAR OF THE SHOW? WERE YOU SURPRISED BY CHARRISSE’S CONFESSION? WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO SEE MORE OR LESS OF FOR SEASON 2?
Photo Credit: Bravo