All aboard! Last week’s debut of Below Deck Mediterranean introduced us to a brand new cast (with the exception of chef Ben Robinson), and set the stage for semi-rough waters ahead. Last seen, chief stew Hannah Ferrier was schlepping all over the stunning Greek isle of Paros searching in vain for a Pittsburgh Steelers game. No, that is not a Mad Libs sentence – that is the sad, sad truth. Why is she on this fool’s errand? Because the trashy yacht guests demand it!
The question these charter guests may want to ask themselves is: selves, why have we traveled to the Greek Isles in the midst of football season? Especially if we’re swearing that we’ve “never missed a Steelers game” in our itty bitty lives? Alas, these questions aren’t the ones being asked. Instead, the guests turn their wrath on Hannah, who tells them they have no chance of finding a Steelers game on this island. Her last hope lies with Captain Mark Howard, who is still trying to get the game to stream on the ship. (This is literally what the guests/staff/captain are obsessed with? THEY ARE IN PARADISE!!! Pfffffffffftt…Steelers.)
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While Captain Mark is questioning his life troubleshooting the ship’s network connection, former-marine-biologist-now-third-stew Tiffany Copeland is below deck questioning her life too washing towels. Which is monotonous and, apparently, beneath her. She wants to get her Captain’s license…so she can troubleshoot wifi? Not sure if Captain Mark or Laundry Wench Tiffany has the tougher gig right now. Although Captain Mark does get the live stream working, so at least his efforts weren’t all in vain!
Ben is in the galley making red scorpion fish. Last night’s dinner went over like a hamburger helper casserole, which is basically how Hannah described it to the guests, so Ben is heading in a lighter direction for dinner #2. Bobby Giancola is also in the galley flirting with his main crush (who has a boyfriend back home) Julia D’Albert-Pusey.
Meanwhile, Hannah climbs back on board, thrilled to hear that the streaming is working. Tiffany is also thrilled that the Steelers game is a GO, as she’s from Pittsburgh.
All is not well in deck hand world, though, Jen Riservato, takes umbrage to her superior, Bryan Kattenburg, asking where she is. If she’s changing her tampon, she doesn’t want to broadcast it to the world! Bryan reminds her that in civilized circles, she can simply say “I’m in the restroom” if he radios her. Jen would rather disappear when and where she wants to, although she might not have much luck with that given the tight ship (har har!) Bryan is running.
As the stews prepare for dinner, Ben swats everyone out of his galley except Hannah and Captain Mark, who prefer to socialize there. Ben can’t think – or plate – with chatting going, but apparently he does okay because the guests are ready to sleep with him over their meal.
It’s bedtime for some of the crew, but not for Bobby and Julia. Julia loves Bobby because he’s goofy. Bobby loves Julia because she’s hot. Cue romantic comedy music…without the perfect ending, methinks. Hannah stays up with the guests to cue up their damn Steelers game, which she considers part and parcel of their “7 star service.” All is not well though, as the game doesn’t stream as much as buffer, for like forever. To make matters worse, it’s 4am. Captain Mark and Hannah are still troubleshooting the TV, but Hannah decides to trade off with Tiffany – who’s none too happy about this 4am gig. The game does work in fits and starts, but overall is not going well. Tiffany’s plan to get the primary’s husband drunk seems to be tanking too, but when the game starts streaming as the sun comes up, he demands Tiffany watch the rest with him.
Drunken primary hubby finally finishes the game, then heads outside to tell deck hand Danny Zurelkat about his plans to steal the yacht’s tender. Danny is so good natured, he just plays along, but we all know Danny’s moral compass is not one to be f-ked with! Bryan thinks Danny is too chatty with the guests though (really!?), and tells him to cool it with befriending them. Danny takes the advice well, but doesn’t agree with the tactic. Happy guests mean good tips, after all.
The crew prepare for the day’s activities while Hannah catches wind of Tiffany watching the football game last night. Already feeling like they’re doing the lion’s share of the stew work, Hannah and Julia have no time for Tiffany watching games…or sleeping…or blinking. Hannah confronts Tiffany about “The List” which Tiffany is taking too long to complete. Ben tells Tiffany he’ll protect her though, which means what exactly? Hmmmm…
Down in the mess, Bryan asks Danny and Jen to unload a box up on deck. Danny grew up with an alcoholic father, learning very early on how to help out the family when needed. (Danny, my love, get to Al Anon!) In contrast, Jen resents anyone who needs her help. She also hates Greece. Thus begging the question: Why is she in customer service!?!?!? In the GREEK ISLES!?!?
I guess we’ll see how good everyone is at “helping out” (and listening to orders) as the ship docks, skills that Bryan points out are critical in these moments. He briefs Jen and Danny on the docking process, which Danny appreciates, but Jen smirks at. She can tie this entire boat up by herself, she says. I say: let’s see it Jen of the Permasmirk! Gauntlet thrown!
As the Ionian Princess approaches the pier (with traffic ahead), Captain Mark starts to sweat the small stuff – you know, like having a brand new crew docking this multi-million dollar ship in a tight spot. The crew all work well together and docks the boat like a charm, though, causing Ben to note how good Captain Mark really is. Which he seems shocked by!
While the crew get ready for the guests to depart, Jen and Tiffany discuss whether Hannah could end up being a real b*tch. Their assessment: YES. Speaking of Hannah, she’s upstairs doing her job unlike Jen and Tiffany saying farewell to the guests, who are thrilled with the trip overall. They tell the entire crew at formal farewell that they enjoyed everything, despite “a couple of hiccups.” After their last request is fulfilled in the form of Bobby dropping and giving them 20 push ups, the crew gather below deck to check out the tip situation.
And it’s good news! 15,000 Euros, to be exact! Ben is relieved, considering his #MoussakaMess. Hannah is just glad she only had to handle wifi, not push ups. Celebration is in order, but Captain Mark says sloppy ass drunkenness alcohol overuse is prohibited. He advises caution to the crew on their night off. Let’s see who follows this sage advice! My money is on Tiffany, Jen, and Julia being the biggest messes of the group, but I could be wrong! Speaking of Julia, she tells Hannah about her boyfriend, Matthew, back home who has a big beard and big muscles. So she’s keeping him.
Up on deck, Jen is building her case against Bryan as she seethes at his request to bring soda to the crew. She is too important for this mere soda fetching! She also doesn’t want to be lumped in with Danny, who she considers the inexperienced, clueless deck hand on board. She wants to do important things…um, like swab decks? Danny can get the damn sodas! She vows to be “polite for this trip,” but all bets may be off going forward. Not caring about Jen and her damage, Bryan is Face Timing with his parents about his new promotion and how well the trip went. Awww! #TenderMoments
Everyone toasts to a job well done. Most toast with a beer, with the exception of Tiffany, who drinks straight from her wine bottle – which she bogarts during the entire walk to the restaurant. Hannah doesn’t think this is a good look on a 31-year old woman; she also doesn’t want to be seen anywhere near this look. They sit down to dinner, where Tiffany gets more wine, then gets into a tipsy argument over the meaning of “entrée” and why she doesn’t like seafood. Hint: it’s about whales ejaculating in the ocean or some such bullsh*t.
Chat about significant others ensues. Julia has one, Ben does not. Hannah seems verrrrrry interested in single Ben, while Bryan is loving the “I don’t give a f*ck” attitude Tiffany is spitting tonight. Hannah is side-eyeing Tiffany’s every slur, though, seemingly not so impressed. When they head to the bar after dinner, Bryan asks Hannah which stew she’d trade for which deckhand. If they can go topless, she’d pick Bobby. But Bryan would take Tiffany in exchange for sourpuss Jen in a heartbeat.
When Hannah joins another group, she asks how “Trashbag” is doing, which is her new name for Tiffany in response to Tiffany calling her “Mom” at dinner. Danny isn’t so keen on Tiff’s new nickname, and calls the title out as mean spirited, but Hannah claims it’s just a joke. Mmmm hmmm. Sure. After laughing off Danny’s concern, Hannah goes over to the bar to join Tiffany to berate her in person join her for another drink.
“I feel like you don’t have any awareness, honey,” laughs Hannah, as Tiffany wonders how she’s even awake at this point, given that she spent the entire night watching a lousy Steelers’ game with the primary’s hubby. Hannah doesn’t understand Tiffany’s complaining, or her work ethic. So what if she wants to work on the deck? She’s a stew right now, so she better get to work on what’s in front of her. The clearly wasted Tiffany sort of head bobs an acknowledgment of this bossypants speech. The irony of Hannah preaching “awareness” while she clearly doesn’t understand she’s lecturing a blackout drunk isn’t lost here.
Tiffany gives zero f*cks right now, but does her best not to puke start an argument. “I want to learn,” says Tiffany. But no sooner can she slur out her defense than Bryan makes an attempt to intervene. He’s quickly shoved away by Hannah though, who keeps harping on Tiffany about getting her sh*t together. When she finishes the job, she leaves Tiffany in a watery haze, wondering if she’s ever been anywhere else than on this Greek beach getting yelled at.
Having more fun elsewhere is Danny, who’s getting numbers from pretty girls and smiling his carefree smile. Ben has come over to comfort Tiffany, who’s crying over her recent stew-on-stew beat down. Ben thinks Tiffany has a good attitude, and that Tiffany is weird, but smart – like him! Tiffany swears she’s not quitting anytime soon, no matter how many Chief Stew lectures she has to drunkenly endure!
Meanwhile, Hannah is confiding in Bryan about her “chat” with Tiffany, which he doesn’t think was the most well timed conversation that’s ever gone down. “This is not the best time for constructive criticism,” he argues, “this is a time to let loooooose.” Hannah’s all, “Oh really! Have YOU been dealing with her!?” She reminds him that his department is the deck, not the interior. As First Mate, Bryan thinks his department is actually the entire boat, though. As Julia comes to Hannah’s defense, Bryan seems to take note of what – and who – he’s dealing with here. And it’s looking a little drama-queeny. So, alliances are forming, it seems! But…will they last?
TELL US: WAS HANNAH’S CONFRONTATION OF TIFFANY ILL-TIMED? ARE TEAMS STARTING TO FORM?
Photo Credit: Bravo