Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Model Deckhands

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Last night, it was all too much for resident horn dog Danny Zurelkat, who decided to break rank and get his smooch on with a charter guest. Danny and his trusty sidekick, Bobby Giancola, also though it was a good idea to bring girls on board after their inebriated night out on the town! It’s time for this week’s installment of Below Deck Mediterranean, Jersey Shore style. 

Despite the desperate pleas of Julia D’Albert-Pusey to think twice on an idiotic move, the Danny and Bobby manage to drag a few falling down drunk women back to the hot tub of shame for a nightcap. But Captain Mark Howard doesn’t take too kindly to this crew-on-civilian canoodling, laying blame squarely on the shoulders of their superior, First Mate Bryan Kattenburg. Bryan’s in charge of the whole boat, remember? It’s HIS fault! 

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After the crew make their way back to the Ionian Princess, Julia heads to bed. While Danny and Bobby show their ladies around the ship’s upper deck, attempting their feeble hands at romance (look, a hot tub! it fizzes!), Ben Robinson starts cooking octopus in the galley. Because…why not? Tiffany Copeland, who I can’t believe is still standing upright, and Hannah Ferrier have put their issues aside for the moment to hide out with Ben below deck. Jen Riservato is also hiding out with them, teasing Hannah about the rules being broken literally above their heads. It works. 

Asserting her delusions of power for Round #2 of the evening, Hannah finally heads upstairs to tell Danny and Bobby they need to usher these gals off “her” boat ASAP. As buzzed as he is, Danny wisely listens. He doesn’t want to put his career – “the most important thing in his life” – in jeopardy over a couple of afterbar girls. Bryan is just freaking out that it’s his crew on the sh*t list for this once the captain finds out, but he assures the boys that he’ll take care of it. Tri-pod forever! Uh. Okay. 

The next morning, Tiffany is so over Hannah’s damage. But Hannah, who is still complaining to Julia about Tiffany’s ineptitude, is not. As Tiffany attempts to do her job, Hannah micromanages her within an inch of her life. Tiffany is a-okay with Hanna’s constant bitchiness as long as they can never, ever again have the conversation they had (well, that Hannah had) at the bar last night. 

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Meanwhile, Bryan puts his big boy shorts on to tell Captain Mark about Danny and Bobby’s lady friends coming on board. “What are those guys thinking?” demands Captain Mark. Bryan wants to deliver consequences to his guys, but Captain Mark would rather handle it himself. This is not what Bryan, who looks like he’s sharting his pants, wants to hear. 

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As the guys gather together for their spanking, Captain Mark relays the importance of following his rules – or else. This is strike one for Danny and Bobby. They only get three, then it’s a plane ticket home. They’ll have to serve an extra watch shift as punishment, which they seem fine with. Uh, this is definitely no Captain Lee Stud of The Sea Smackdown! Mark asks Bryan to stay behind afterward, asking him to keep tighter control over his crew. Relieved to have narrowly escaped punishment himself, Bryan bows and scrapes and promises “total transparency!” in the future. 

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Captain Mark then calls Hannah, Ben, and Bryan to the bridge to discuss their next charter. As if it were special ordered from porn star heaven for Danny and Bobby, the guests are all waitresses from the Hooters-esque restaurant The Tilted Kilt. As a cherry on top of this man gift, the women will be on board to do a photo shoot. What could go wrong…? Hannah and Ben are excited for the lowbrow clientele, as they don’t know a sushi roll from a tootsie roll. Plus, they’re all waitresses themselves, so maybe they’ll be kindred spirits? Nahhhh. 

On cue, Bobby and Danny drool over the charter guests’ photos, placing dibs on their picks for which chick is DTF. A nervous Bryan warns them to be professional! But he’s no fool. These yahoos are ’bout to get they freak on, strikes or no strikes. Danny also proclaims his advanced maturity, as evidenced by crying while on the phone with his mom later that night. So, he’s homesick and horny. Dangerous combo!

Hannah preps the stews for the charter ahead. They’re going with simple, straightforward, no frills service. Meanwhile, Bryan talks to Jen about her attitude, which stinks like rotten fish. Jen just laughs off his remarks, noting that she’s been on over 30 boats and can see that “Bryan is just trying to compensate for his lack of abilities.” She considers herself the MVP. And she should make herself a t-shirt announcing that fact. It would be just about at subtle as her badittude. 

The guests arrive in tank tops and hula hoops, much to the delight of Bobby and Danny. Hannah gives them the requisite tour, trying to ensure their 100 pounds of hair extensions won’t sink the yacht right where it’s docked. As lunch is served, Captain Mark instructs the crew on departure, which goes smoothly. Even though Jen isn’t standing up straight for it, much to the constant chagrin of Bryan. He pushes, she pulls. Their dynamic is already exhausting.

The charter guests are thrilled with their first Chef Ben lunch, and are now ready for their first photo shoot. As they head up on the sun deck in their bikinis, Danny chats them up like a butt-sniffing Labrador. And he’s already sniffed out his poodle: the hapless (but not topless!) Morgan from Kentucky. Once the photographer arrives, it’s all business. The ladies also instruct Hannah that they’d like a cake made for their friend Katie’s birthday. Ben is never a fan of cake making, but he’s willing to do the deed for the good of the order.

Panos, the Greek photographer, gets the girls lit, oiled, and posed. It’s all too much for Danny and Bobby, who are sharing a brain (and a penis?) at this tender moment, ogling the girls from afar. Danny gets a little closer to the fire though, actually offering a robe to Morgan and spitting pickup lines from 1983. As in: What’s your sign? Coooool, baby! #NoShameInHisDustyGame

Jen is not impressed with this array of scantily-thonged women, though, claiming she’s more into a women’s lacrosse team chartering this yacht than these hussies. She’s also pouting over how much harder she has to work now that her fellow deckhands have been sucked into the vagina vortex that is this charter. As the crew prepare for dinner, Bryan reiterates the professionalism! he’s counting on from Danny and Bobby – Dobby! – although he looks like he’s trying to convince himself of the same mantra. Basically, all the dudes – minus Ben – are losing their f’ing minds on this trip. #TiltedKiltTakeover! 

As the charter guests indulge in a midnight snack, courtesy of a woken-from-sleep Ben, Danny cuddles up to Morgan on the couch. He’s made a deep connection! He’s in luuuuuuuv! But he’s gotta get his job done, which Bobby reminds him of, so he finally drags his inappropriate ass out on deck to get swabbing. As much as Ben’s tried to school Danny in the fine art of secret boat hookups, Danny prefers to publicly canoodle. He keeps the ladies up deep into the night chatting, which forces Hannah to stay up all night serving them. Interesting that Hannah doesn’t call Danny out on this behavior with more strident force (she just sort of smiles and encourages him to cut it short). If this were Tiffany, I believe Hannah would cut a bitch!  

The next day, the crew head to the beach with their guests for photo shoot #2 and lunch. Before they go, Bobby rats out Danny to Bryan, who’s looking more nervous than ever about the thin ice his deckhands are skating on. Infuriatingly, Danny then wakes up late and takes selfies with the guests while Bryan and Bobby get the tender ready for their beach jaunt. Snapping, Bryan demands that he doesn’t want to see Danny’s phone or wagging tongue out anymore! Also, he’s not cool with Danny chatting up the guests last night when he was supposed to be on watch! Danny doesn’t care; he claims all of his tactics get tips. 

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Julia and Tiffany set up a beach lunch while the photo shoot gets underway. Hannah is starting to trust Tiffany more, much to both women’s satisfaction. Not to be trusted is…who else? Danny! Who’s over with Morgan encouraging her to stick close to him rather than join the PG game of ultimate football Bryan is desperately trying to organize. 

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Desperate in a totally different way, Danny then makes off with Morgan to the TOTAL TRANSPARENCY of the rocks nearby, where he kisses her, then giggles like a school girl as he rocks her back and forth in his arms. He is brokedown Leonardo Dicaprio to her wedgied Kate Winslet! Their love shall survive this ship’s tragic sinking! But it will not survive the keen eyes of the crew, who see Danny and Morgan in plain sight. Duh. 

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Jen, in particular, laughs the maniacal laugh of someone who’s about to earn that deckhand MVP title after all. Even if it’s just for not snogging the clientele.

Previews for next week suggest that Danny of the totally-obvious-hookup is “found out,” thus causing Captain Mark to lay the actual smackdown upon him. Stay tuned!  

TELL US: IS DANNY THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE DECKHAND EVER? IS BRYAN NOT ABLE TO CONTROL HIS CREW? 

Photo Credit: Bravo