Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: My Big Fat Greek Threesome

After last week’s poetry slam (party of one), lovesick Danny Zureikat is on strike 2 of 3 with Captain Mark Howard, not to mention everyone else. Not ready to “go be a Walmart greeter,” just yet as Captain Mark suggested, Danny figures he’ll stick around and try to screw up his life a little more! Thus begins another week of Below Deck Mediterranean, A Young Man’s Journey Toward A Restraining Order. But first! A possible beat down on the high seas, courtesy of deckhand Bobby Giancola? Yes, please!

Last seen, Tiffany Copeland was getting her drunken hookup on with Bryan Kattenburg. At the same time, Ben Robinson (who secretly likes Tiffany) was trying to squirm out of Hannah Ferrier’s cringe-inducing clutches. Just as Ben made his escape, he was faced with another conundrum when he walked into Bryan’s bunk only to witness the Tiffany/Bryan hookup in full swing! I don’t know about you, but I AM LOVING THIS! 

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After Ben initially reacts, um, not so gentlemanly to seeing his beloved Tiffany in the arms of Bryan the Toolbox, he rethinks things later. The next morning Bryan and Tiffany continue their flirt as Ben apologizes for tossing them out of the room the night before. He admits he overreacted, but if anyone’s going to get it on with Tiffany, it’s going to be him! 

Captain Mark briefs Hannah, Ben, and Bryan on the new charter guests – millionaire business partners from Oklahoma who Hannah will have to throw a hoedown for. Outside, Danny is warned to watch his step on this next trip. He’s on thin ice. Bryan then tries to whip his team into action by assigning them menial prep tasks, which Danny sees as penance for his bad behavior. Uh, no. That’s called YOUR JOB.

Hay bales? Yes, hay bales are delivered to the boat for the country themed dance party later on. Danny takes a moment to lay all over them, which is strike 100,000,000 for Bobby, who has literally zero patience with this clown. He’s got endless patience for Julia D’Albert Pusey though, who doesn’t even know what hay bales are, because she’s cute and has a fun accent. #Priorities

Hannah snarks that she’s only experienced in serving the elite in the south of France, but Tiffany seems like a country bumpkin. So Tiffany will be her go-to girl for the hoedown. Hmm. I’ll see your GED and raise you Tiffany’s marine biology degree, Hannah. But whatever! Tiffany is a good sport about it. But when Hannah mandates that they’ll all be wearing Daisy Dukes for their hoedown uniform, Julia is all, ThanksButNoThanks! She may be forced to though. 

The guests arrive, the tour is taken, and the Ionian Princess is ready to head out to sea. Bobby is pissed at the mess of ropes that Danny’s left behind, and we can see his anger building with each small Danny annoyance into a Perfect Storm. Inside, Julia is letting Bobby flirt with her because he’s “like a brother.” Not sure Bobby is catching this drift.

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As the crew gets the boat anchored, Danny decides he’ll chat it up with the primary guest, telling him his tale of woe. He got in trouble with the Tilted Kilt girls. A single tear drips down my cheek over Danny’s sad story. While he shares his story of shame and pooh-etry, Danny’s unresponsiveness to Bryan’s radio summons is not boding well. Meanwhile, Jen Riservato is working like mad, carrying jet skis up and down steps. All while Bryan panders to her: “You got it? You SURE!?” Her annoyance is palpable, and justified.   

Beach party! No one on crew likes to hear these words because it means transporting a trillion items from boat to beach, then back again. Everyone is pitching in and, since Danny is actually attempting to do work now, he decides to call out Bobby as “lazy.” Okaaay. Bobby’s like, “WHAT!? You want to give ME a lecture about TEAMWORK!?” Nah, brah. (Is Danny possibly the least self aware person ever to grace our screens? Next to Sonja Morgan, of course!) 

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Bobby can’t believe what he’s hearing. Out at the tender, Bobby tries to school Danny about knowing what teamwork is before spouting off about it. But Danny, man-boy that he is, doesn’t know when to sit down and shut up. He keeps whining, “I’m working my ass off!” like a petulant child. He tells Bobby to give him constructive criticism, not yell at him, if he wants to get his point across. Bobby, irate now, finally says he HAS to yell at Danny like a child because he IS a child! Danny then strikes below the belt, both literally and figuratively.

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“Man, you got your tampon up your p***y right now!” snarks Danny. And that’s it. Bobby pops up, towering over Danny, looking like he wants to beat him hard with a buoy. Bryan, who’s been conveniently ignoring this little tiff (probably hoping Bobby can manage his staff better than he can), finally steps in, pulling Danny back then chastising him for pushing Bobby. “What are you thinking, Daniel?” This is the question on everyone’s mind, no? And the title of the children’s book about to come out that teaches 4-year olds how to make “Good Choices.”

Bobby demands, “Get off this boat, boy!” to Danny, after which Bryan does indeed kick him off. Will he be sent to his room again!? No, but he can’t come to the beach party. He needs a time out. Jen climbs aboard the tender to fill in.

Because the worst crew member knows Ben will always take the underdog’s side (WHY Ben, WHY!!!??), Danny pulls him aside to complain. After Danny tells his version of events, Ben advises him to stroke Bobby’s ego a bit, especially because he let everyone down last charter by being an unhinged hormone crazed teenager. Danny appreciates Ben’s advice. It’s constructive criticism, Danny style!

As Jen and Julia host the guests on the beach for lunch, Tiffany is trying to fix a broken dryer fuse back on board. When she radios Hannah about the fuse, Hannah gets immediately annoyed, sniping back that she needs to just “stop mucking around and do your job!” Tiffany, who did not cut up limes or lemons earlier this morning for cocktail service is paying a heavy price for it right now. But Hannah just sees her as inept. 

After the beach lunch is cleaned up and the guests are back on board, Bryan decides not to fill Captain Mark in on the Danny/Bobby drama because, in his words, “That’s weaksauce, and I’m not about weaksauce.” No, Bryan is more along the lines of #wacksauce in terms of his management acumen. But I think he knows this already. He postures with the guys that they need to make things right. So Bobby and Danny apologize to one another, then Danny ruins it by laughing and reiterating his earlier threat that “A big tree will fall hard.” Bobby shakes hands with Danny, but doesn’t have a doubt in his mind that Danny will screw up his own life in the end. It’s just a matter of time before this dumb ass sinks the entire ship.

Inside, Hannah’s annoyance with Tiffany is building over the list not being completed. So she does what any mature manager would do – she complains about it to her other stew, Julia! Hannah’s anger causes her to break a glass tray right in half. Then she runs screaming toward Tiffany and slices her head off with it. Kidding! But homegirl is definitely unraveling.

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Ben needs some extra help in the galley, so he calls Danny boy down to be his sous chef. He also claims to want Danny to be in a “safe place” so he sees himself rescuing him in some demented way. Bobby is just thrilled to have Danny out of his hair. 

In a stew turn of events, Tiffany is taking charge with setting the scene for the guests’ hoedown, which Julia praises. But of course, Hannah does not. Hannah’s too busy agreeing to force the crew to join a dance party with the guests later, for which the primary will award a measly $200 to the winner. But the Daisy Dukes will be worn for free! As the stews squeeze into their getups for the night, Julia quips that this might be among the top 10 most ridiculous things she’s ever done. (I wonder what would be on Danny’s list?) 

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Ben thinks Hannah looks “ridiculously hot” in her Dukes, while Bobby ogles Julia from afar. For his part, Danny wisely keeps his eye on the slaw he’s fryin’. Head down, young man. Head DOWN! The hay is spread, the drinks are served, and so is dinner. Ben’s Asian inspired dishes wow the guests, despite their departure from the country theme.

Dance party! Growing up, Bobby’s parents owned a dance studio, so he claims to have some sweet moves. Besides the Running Man my husband busts out at weddings and some lame hot tub twerking, I’m not seeing the #MadSkillz though. No matter, for Hannah is next, and she works the railing like she’s working the pole. Her moves earn her the big cash prize, while Julia eschews the entire dance contest altogether, claiming she’s here to serve guests, not perform like a monkey for their amusement. PREACH!  

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As the crew head to bed, a handful of charter guests climb in the hot tub for some after party…sex? Ewwwwww. As the drunken phrases, “I love boobies! I want to suck on your boobies!” and “What happens in Greece stays in Greece!” sound from the hot tub, Danny decides it’s a good time to check in on the guests. While they’re naked in the tub. Oh, Danny. You is not smart, you is not important. You is a MORON. 

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Down in the galley, Hannah sees Danny crawl down from the hot tub scene and is incredulous about his amazing lack of boundaries. “He’s like dumb and dumber in one person,” laments Hannah, who can frankly not believe Danny is pushing it after crossing every conceivable crew/guest boundary on the last charter. Ben butts in that Hannah doesn’t need to “ream the guy out” in this way, which is asinine commentary. Danny needs to be reamed out repeatedly, then fired. Hannah takes Ben’s backing of Danny as a personal insult. And she tells him so later. Ben just doesn’t get it.  

The next morning, Ben debriefs with Danny about the “threesome” that Hannah said was going down last night, which Danny denies. Yeah, sure, they were all butt naked (and weren’t there four of them, not three?), but it was all cool man! As the guests eat their breakfast of shame, Julia fills Tiffany in on the madness. Then Julia goes to wake Hannah up, who’s still steamed about Ben taking “the junior deckhand’s” side over hers. Bryan also catches wind of Danny’s bizarre behavior, but can’t address it until later.  

Back in the galley, Ben tries to mend fences with Hannah, but she shuts him down. “Let’s talk about it after,” she snaps. Translation: I Hate You For Rejecting Me. 

But Hannah does have to face a discussion with Danny, who pulls her aside to defend himself. He was just being friendly to butt ass naked people! He’s doing it for the tip! It would have been rude to walk away! Hannah slows down her speech so that Danny can understand her in preschool-appropriate language. “It’s. Not. Professional,” she seethes before walking away. Perhaps a picture book is needed here? Or a felt board with cartoon body parts? It’s okay to chat with the guests when this (points to elbow) is showing, but not this (points to nipple). See, Danny? Good boy!

Tip meeting! Captain Mark, blissfully unaware of the drama among his crew, calls this the best charter ever! “Nothing happened on this charter that was negative!” he cheers. Hannah thinks this is a smart move, leaving the children to fight among themselves. True dat. The crew are just happy about their good tip: $20K.

So, they head out to celebrate! Nothing could go wrong, right? Until Danny – oh this is RICH – actually complains to Bryan that he’s under appreciated on the crew. Smoking his cig, Bryan refrains from stabbing it into Danny’s delusional eyes as he stops him in his tracks.

Bryan tells Danny his boundary crossing with guests is insane and totally detracts from the 5-star service they’re trying to offer. He then drunkenly threatens Danny that he will from this day forth be all over his butt like a cheap suit. “You have to take a piss? You ask ME!” he slurs. “You’re gonna work for ME!” Oh, the rage is strong in this one. But will Danny listen to threats? He hasn’t so far. 

TELL US: DID DANNY CROSS THE LINE AGAIN? IS HANNAH RIGHT TO BE UPSET WITH BEN? CAN BRYAN MANAGE CREW – OR DANNY?

Photo Credit: Bravo