Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Charter From Heaven, Charter From Hell?

Thanks to Karen for writing the recaps these past two weeks while I was on vacation! As my family and I enjoyed the sun and sea of the Caribbean, I tried to avoid the incessant forced fun that our resort staff was serving up. I’ll admit though, as I heard the strained shrieks from staff to “shake that booty!” by the pool bar, I wondered if Danny Zureikat was on the microphone? Because he would have been the MVP of that scene, FO SHO.

After catching up on these last weeks’ shows, it looks like Danny has been sent to his room without phone privileges. And he is running a fever. How…fitting. Meanwhile, it looks like Hannah Ferrier is clinging to any port in a storm – namely, Julia D’ Albert-Pusey’s castoff, the eternally goofy Bobby Giancola – after being summarily rejected by Ben Robinson. I also gather that Bryan Kattenburg is still in First Place for Most Obnoxious Human (a close race, with this bunch!). So, for the motley crew of Below Deck Mediterranean, all is as it should be! 

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After discovering that Danny’s fever has reached over 103 degrees (again), Captain Mark Howard finally decides it’s time to have him committed hospitalized. Bryan, Bobby, and Jen Riservato can handle the deck without Danny’s help because that’s what they’ve been doing since day 1! Wait – not so fast. Jen is actually being thrown under the bus by Bryan, as he suggests that she accompany Danny to the hospital!!! Jen’s like, ermmmm, “does he have the bird flu?” Which, good question. Also, will he be Instagramming this sh*t!? Something tells me that Jen will study nothing but YouTube knot-tying on this little field trip, if only to avoid a fate such as this in the future. 

The lovely, well mannered charter guests – who have been unfairly and mysoginistically dubbed “The Golden Girls” – are still giving the crew no migraines. Hannah is also announcing dinner properly, which bodes well for her relationship with Ben. They are coworkers now, not friends, per Ben’s wise request.

After a bit of jewelry shopping, the charter guests sit down to their last dinner aboard the Ionian Princess. As they champagne toast and fist bump their enormous jewels together, Julia jokes below that “the primary is a bit sloshed!” If this is sloshed, then Julia will be shocked to see the next charter’s version of sloshery! Previews suggest this next bunch arrives straight from MTV’s Spring Break 2005.

In the galley, Tiffany Copeland is getting her flirt on with Ben, who also fancies her. Because “she’s smart and weird.” (Words every girl longs to hear!) 

Captain Mark awkwardly joins the charter guests for dinner, regaling them with extremely clipped tales of interesting factoids like being married. At least he’s trying! After dinner, the guests retire early again, much to the satisfaction of the crew.

Early the next morning, the crew has only minutes to relish their Danny-less vessel, when suddenly a speed boat appears on the horizon ferrying Danny and Jen back to the yacht. He’s got gastroenteritis and will be bed-ridden with antibiotics and plain foods for a bit longer. Ben jokes, “I’ll make him a curry!” But perhaps Danny just needs a poem.

Jen is back on deck for like 3 seconds before Bryan pulls her aside for knot tying 101 again. Jen may need to learn some basic skills, and she may be lacking in some workplace humility, but Bryan’s boorish management style ain’t gonna fix her attitude.

Meanwhile, Ben is visiting Danny in his sickbed to tell him the crew is debating whether Danny deserves a share of this charter tip. Ben suggests that Danny offer to forfeit his tip before it’s taken away from him by force, both to save face and endear his coworkers. Danny immediately follows orders, telling Captain Mark he’d like to forfeit. Captain Mark mumbles – through chewing an entire sandwich in his mouth? – that he’ll take it under advisement.

Tip meeting! The charter guests left happy, even with the crew a man down. Captain Mark reveals that Danny forfeited his tip (Ben’s face during this announcement looks much like a father witnessing his son’s pre-K graduation), and that they’ve earned their biggest tip yet: 20K! Since it’s split 11 ways, they’ll each get an even bigger chunk of change. But will they like Danny better because of his “noble” action? Hmm. Magic Eight Ball reads: Unlikely.

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After their tip windfall, Bobby is riding high on his dual flirting with Julia and Hannah. Julia claims he’s been friend-zoned, but Bobby’s not so sure.

Captain Mark briefs Hannah, Bryan, and Ben on the next charter guests: hard partiers who want a costume party. Hannah suggests a Venetian theme. But she might want to check if those costumes are dry clean only! Under the Captain’s questioning, Ben and Hannah mumble that their communication with one another is improving. Like “I got a D instead of a D- on my math test” improving? To appease Hannah, Ben has even acquiesced to Hannah’s request for printed menus before dinner. If only to cover his own arse.

Feeling better, Danny is up and ready to (kinda) work again. But before he can get swabbing, he’s got to turn his iPhone in to Captain Mark. Can he have just 15 more minutes? he whines. No. Can he have it at night? Or to Instagram “something cool” the boat may pass? No. Why do I find this absolutely hilarious!? Ahahahahaha! <wipes tear> Because it is.

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In the galley, Julia and Ben get to know each other better. Julia determines that Ben is from an elite background, while she is not. She finds him self righteous; he thinks she’s good at cleaning. And says so, which further adds to her opinion of him.  So, he’s the private schoolboy to her scullery maid? This may lead somewhere dangerous…

As the crew turn the boat around for the next charter, Bryan checks in with Danny. He reminds him of The List. But Danny doesn’t want to hear about The List! Or about his phone being taken away! He wants to be loooooooved. After Bobby and Bryan scold him (which was uncalled for, but I get it after all they’ve put up with from this man child), Danny skulks away to complain to his only confidant: Ben. Ben advises Danny to keep his head down and do his work. The love may follow, the love may not follow. But he’s got to let go of his ego if he’s got any chance in this gig. Good advice. 

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The guest board, and Hannah immediately assesses them as high maintenance. She wants the Golden Girls back. Even taking them on the boat tour take 100 times longer than it should, as the guests are #OVERIT. They are here to party, not listen to Hannah’s description of muster stations and life jackets. Hannah sees a dark cloud of drunken doom descend over the yacht. She doesn’t like to serve people not worthy of her, and as we’ve seen, that’s just about everybody.

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The guests get their drinks on right away, warming up to Tiffany and her quiet, mousy smiles. Sensing Hannah’s attitude, they rib Hannah about her service, which she does not take kindly to. But ribbing Hannah is not the most pressing matter, for there are already drunk chicks falling down at the bar! Should’ve listened to those safety speeches after all. 

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Have we entered some strange Bravo editing, or has this woman actually become totally inebriated in what seems like less than an hour? She is G-O-N-E. Picking her limp carcass up off the floor, her friends plant her on a deck chair, where she slurs to Tiffany (who’s nobly trying to force a bottle of water on her) that she wants to get her bikini on. Tiffany accompanies her to her cabin, depositing her there for safekeeping. 

Beer cans are floating in the Jacuzzi, the guests are passed out drunk in their cabins, and Hannah is concerned with only one thing: her imaginary relationship with Ben. She sheepishly tells him that the guests might sleep through dinner, but Ben just laughs it off. He couldn’t care less. 

Up on deck, Jen and Bobby are on break, and on their phones. Which makes Danny crazy and whiny (is there any other version of Danny?). Stomping below deck, Danny asks Bryan if maybe can he sort of have a jet ski perhaps? Just to go check out those cool caves, man. Because he’s still on break and has no phone! Whaaaaaa! Bryan is all: NO. Where do you think you are, Club Med? Oh Danny, thou hast the self awareness of a toenail. 

Ben forges ahead planning dinner, despite the guests slumber. He also enlists Tiffany’s help in writing his menu out. All but two of the guests do rally and make it to dinner in the end, so good call on the menu prep! Hannah has arranged Venetian masks, and tries to act friendly. But one of the primaries sees her disdain and barks at her to “smile!” to which she responds through gritted teeth, “I’m. Smiling.” Perhaps she should channel Kate Chastain and get started on that penis towel right now?

Dinner mostly consists of vodka shot after vodka shot, interspersed with a morsel of food now and then. The primaries hate Hannah, Hannah hates the primaries. Her stankitude is obvious to even the drunkest among them – case in point, they even manage stop chanting “I love Trump!” to talk sh*t about her as soon as her back is turned. Hannah notices the sh*t talking, and becomes slightly scared of what this might mean for their tip.

On another deck, what could be the most frightening image I’ve ever seen is taking place right now: Bryan swinging a rope around with a twisted frat boy smirk on his face. He’s taunting Jen with it, telling her she can only leave once she’s tied a bowl know (bowl? bow?) three times correctly. Ugh. BRYAN IS SUCH A D*CK! Sure, he wants Jen to learn the correct way to tie a knot, but this creepy/threatening vibe says something more like “I will assault you and hide your body in a ditch” than “I’m here to help you learn on the job!” Ugggghhhhh. Jen is grossed out/pissed at these tactics, snarking that she’d rather read a book on knot tying, thank you. “I’m not the best deck hand you’ve ever had, and you’re not the best First Mate I’ve ever had,” she summarizes. Word. 

Body shots!? Yes, body shots. As the charter guests wind down from their debauchery, Hannah stands in defeat in the galley. She’s let her attitude interfere with her work, which seems like the story of her life.

The next morning, Jen complains to Danny while Bryan complains to Bobby. Jen hashtag hates Bryan, but Bryan delusionally thinks he’s the nicest guy he’s ever met! Team Jen/Danny versus Team Bryan/Bobby rages on. Danny respects Jen for telling Bryan off the night before, knowing he’s in no position to do so. His napkin folding will have to speak for itself.

In the galley, Ben is correcting Julia’s English, which is not going over well. His tone and manner are condescending, thinks Julia. But Ben seems oblivious to this.     

Outside, the guests await their breakfast impatiently. When it arrives, they snark that 90 minutes of prep for waffles seems like a joke. Julia deems the guests “d*ckwads,” which yes indeed, they are. But it’s Hannah who’s really their arch nemesis, as one of the primary notes.

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As Hannah slumbers in bed, the guests shout “The service is horrible!” This spurs them to take further action, both telling the Captain they’d like to stay two nights longer (huh?) and that some of them are “not getting along with Hannah too well.” They’d like Tiffany to step in more on her behalf. Oh my.

Captain Mark summons Bryan, Hannah, and Ben to the bridge, informing them of the guests’ extended stay. Hannah is nonplussed. Captain Mark then asks her to stay behind as Ben and Bryan leave, informing her of the guests’ perception that she’s “not real happy about their presence” on this boat. Taken aback, Hannah defends that she is always smiling and professional, but these guests have driven her over the edge. Asked if she wants Julia and Tiffany to take the lead for the remainder of this charter, Hannah’s voice breaks saying, “I can only be pushed so far before it becomes apparent that I’m getting sick of being treated like sh*t.” 

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Well, Hannah may be sick of being treated like sh*t, but that’s all part of the service industry, as those of us who’ve worked in it know. Are these guests douche bags on par with the likes of Bryan? Yes, and more. Are they taunting Hannah to the point of exhaustion? Yip. But given her bravado about professionalism and “experience in the industry,” I’d think she would know how to mask her anger a bit better. Then again, this is the girl who’s trying to hump Bobby to get back at Ben. Rational thought may not be her strong suit!

TELL US: WILL DANNY BE ABLE TO REDEEM HIMSELF WITH THIS CREW? ARE YOU TEAM BRYAN OR JEN? WAS HANNAH’S ATTITUDE WITH THE GUESTS JUSTIFIED? 

Photo Credit: Bravo